


Walls

by SneetchesToo



Series: Start Again [4]
Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: AU season 4, Angst, Drama, F/M, Family, Hurt/Comfort, New Relationship, Romance, these two mushes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2019-08-04 20:50:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 130,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16354073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SneetchesToo/pseuds/SneetchesToo
Summary: “He broke down her walls without her even noticing; and when he rebuilt the walls he added windows to let the sunshine in.”Sequel to “Never Letting Go”.*On a temporary hiatus.*





	1. I Love You Everyday

**Author's Note:**

> *This is the sequel to “Never Letting Go” and it takes place roughly 3 months after that ended. I couldn’t help myself once this ideas popped into my head, so here we have it.  
> **This is for Violet! I’m pretty sure she’s the only person still reading anything that I write, so I dedicate this to her!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan’s mom had always had a saying when it came to her relationship with his dad. She used to say “I love him every day of the week, but I don’t always like him, that’s for sure.” He had never felt that statement to be truer than he did right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Jealous!Rox is something I didn’t know I needed until I started writing her, now I need more of her, so here’s entire chapter of her being crazy.  
> **Also, the saying that Ethan’s mother taught him about his father, is exactly what my mom says about my dad, even after 38 years of marriage.

There were many days when Ethan enjoyed the fact that he got to work alongside his girlfriend all day.

In fact, most days he appreciated that they got to spend eight to twelve hours by each other’s side doing what they loved.

However, today was not one of them.

Not in the least bit.

Because as much as he loved Rox.

As much as he adored the woman who had spent the last three months as his girlfriend.

As much as he cherished her and one day hoped to make her truly his.

Today, he wanted to strangle her.

And he was pretty certain that she knew it too.

And to be honest, he was pretty certain, that at this point, she was just intentionally pushing every button that he had.

Because ever since he had climbed on the rig that morning, she had been at his throat.

Over. Every. Single. Thing.

And he was about to lose his ever loving mind.

“What is your problem?” He had finally had enough.

Absolutely enough.

They were supposed to be going to dinner with Emo that evening.

But he would be damned if he was going anywhere with this woman if she kept treating him like dirt.

He honestly didn’t even know what had started it either.

Which made it 1000 times worse.

“My problem?! I’m not the one with the problem?!” He slammed his eyes shut at her words.

She was being ridiculous and he couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Clearly you are!” He slammed the door to the rig shut and stopped in his tracks.

He had replayed every word that he had said to her in the past twenty-four hours and not a single one seemed to warrant this kind of behavior from her.

“I… I can’t believe you!” She was shouting now, and he was pretty certain that the other paramedics in the bay didn’t find their conversation as entertaining as she seemed too.

“Believe me?!” He let out a huff as she moved around to stand in front of him.

Even when angry as hell she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.

“You…” She was shaking she was so angry at him.

He knew he should have been scared of her. Or maybe scared for her. But instead he just thought it was downright adorable.

“What about me Rox?” He crossed his arms over his chest. 

This was their first real fight in three months.

He figured that was probably a record.

So he knew that he should probably be thankful that things hadn’t escalated before now.

“You think you can just walk around here like you own the place. Like you’re Mr. Smooth or something. Like women should just fall at your feet and worship the ground you walk on.” She was red faced and teary eyed and again, he knew he should be mad, but at this point he was just confused.

He had absolutely no idea what in the world she was talking about.

What place did he own? And who were all these women who were supposed to be worshiping him?

He had never met a woman who worshipped the ground he walked on.

Not even Rox.

And he certainly didn’t expect it from anyone either.

“Can we go somewhere else and talk about this?” He let out a sigh when she stomped her foot against the concrete like a toddler.

In reality, he was hoping that she would just agree to go home with him.

Then he could just ravage her in bed until she forgot whatever it was that was driving her crazy for absolutely no reason at all.

“No!” He shook his head as one of the paramedics from the night shift let out a small chuckle from behind them.

He figured that guy had probably dealt with his fair share of temper tantrums in his day. 

But at least his were appropriate, coming from his three year old twin daughters and all.

“Roxane.” He growled out her full name, hoping that would do the trick. “You’re making a scene.”

“I don’t care!” She stepped closer to him and he let out another sigh.

This woman was going to be the death of him.

“Well I do.” He pushed himself away from the rig and walked around her, eyeing her softly as he stopped beside her. “I’m going home. You can come, or not, but I’m not gonna stand here and argue with you in front of all of these people.”

And with that he walked away from her.

He heard her let out a frustrated growl and he just shook his head as he let the doors close behind him.

He may have loved Rox every day of the week.

But he sure as hell didn’t like her all the time.

That was for sure.

—

He had gone home to an empty house. And he had regretfully showered alone. And then he had fallen into bed for a nap, all the while hoping that Rox would let herself in and come crawling into bed beside him.

But she never did.

And when he awoke from his nap at 5:15pm she was still nowhere in sight.

He let out a frustrated sigh as he pushed himself from the bed and made his way to the bathroom.

This was the first time she had never not “come home” to him.

In fact, they had spent 85 out of the past 90 nights together. Sometimes at her place, sometimes at his, but always, together.

He was hoping that she would at least come home with him tonight after dinner.

Or that she’d let him go home with her.

It had only been a few hours, and she was driving him insane, but he missed her nonetheless.

After changing and pulling on his boots he made his way downstairs, sighing when his father shot him a glance from the kitchen table.

He had really started enjoying having his dad around.

But he was kind of getting tired of coming downstairs at random hours of the day and finding the man just sitting in the house.

Ethan was sure that his dad was probably thankful that at least this time, the younger man had on clothes.

“Got a hot date tonight?” His dad didn’t skip a beat, his eyes taking in the fact that Ethan seemed to have actually put on something other than jeans and a t-shirt for once.

“Rox and I are supposed to be taking Emo to dinner for her birthday.” He grabbed his phone from its place on the counter and let out a sigh when he saw that there weren’t any texts or missed calls from the woman in question.

“Supposed to be?” His father raised an eyebrow and he rolled his eyes at the look of confusion on the older man’s face. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Apparently we’re fighting.” He shrugged his shoulders as he sent Rox a quick text.

 _Are we still on for dinner tonight? I can swing by and get you before we head to Emo’s._ He really hoped that she had forgotten about all this drama.

Because they were supposed to all be riding to dinner together.

And he knew that Emo would find it suspicious if they showed up separately.

“You are, are you?” The sarcasm dripping from his father’s voice caused him to chuckle.

“Okay, so Rox is fighting.” He leaned back against the counter and let out a huff. “I, however, am not. Yet.”

“What is she fighting about?” He wished he knew the answer to his father’s question.

“Hell if I know.” He was really, really tired of this bullshit too.

“So she’s angry at you and you don’t know why?” Wasn’t that normally the case though? Ethan felt like he should have anticipated this happening, especially with Rox.

As much as he loved her, she was as complicated as they came.

And while the past three months together had been amazing in more ways than he could count. It had also been stressful as hell.

Especially emotionally.

Mostly emotionally.

For both of them.

“Something about how I expect women to fall at my feet?” He shrugged his shoulders again as he pushed himself up off the counter and toward the refrigerator. “I don’t really know to be honest with you.”

“She’s jealous.” His dad pointed at him with a wary look and he stopped in his tracks.

“Jealous?” Now he really was confused. “What the fuck does she have to be jealous about?”

“I don’t know.” His dad mirrored his shrug from earlier before taking a sip of his coffee. “But that’s what it sounds like.”

“I don’t know who she could possibly be jealous of.” His head was starting to hurt from all this bullshit. “The only person I talk to is her. And you. Occasionally the folks at Angels. None of whom, she should be jealous of.”

He was so done with this whole day. He just wanted to get his shift tomorrow over with and then enjoy his weekend off.

Preferably with Rox by his side.

Preferably somewhere far away from LA.

Preferably somewhere where clothing was optional.

“Don’t ask me.” He got ready to give a snappy comeback when his phone dinged in his hand.

He let out a sigh as he read Rox’s text.

 _Fine._ That was it. One word. One line.

He let out a growl as he threw his head backward.

This woman was going to be the death of him.

 _I’m leaving in five._ He hit send as he shot his dad a look.

“Don’t look at me.” He let out a soft chuckle between his words. “She’s your woman.”

“Damn straight she is.” And with that he took off in the direction of the front door.

She sure as hell was his woman.

And he was going to make damn sure that she realized that she was his only woman.

And that she had absolutely nothing to worry about.

—

He had picked Rox up from her place and she had climbed in the car without so much as a ‘hello’.

They had driven to Emo’s in silence.

And then they had driven to dinner, in even more silence.

He knew that Emo could tell that something was up. The woman wasn’t stupid. She had to know that they were fighting.

They had made small talk at dinner, but again, Rox had avoided him at all costs. And they had barely made it through dessert before she started shooting daggers in his direction.

He honestly had no clue what was going on and he hated it.

He was normally so in tune with Rox and her needs.

Apparently something had gone terribly wrong over the past 48 hours.

After paying for their meal Ethan had followed the two outside and back into the confines of the car. 

It was once again, eerily silent.

They were five minutes from Emo’s house when she had apparently finally had enough.

“What the hell is going on with you two?” She asked from the back seat. 

Ethan locked eyes with her in the rear-view mirror for a split second and he did his best to convey to her that he had no Earthly idea what the hell was going on.

“Nothing Emo.” Rox whispered.

She looked downright exhausted and Ethan hated it.

He knew that she was beating herself up for whatever reason.

He just wanted her to open up to him and tell him what was going on.

“Nothing my ass.” She spat back. “You two haven’t spoken a single word to each other all night.”

“We’re fighting.” Ethan rolled his eyes at Rox’s words and let out a sigh.

“No Emo, we’re not fighting.” He was sure that Rox was going to climb across the front seat and strangle him right then and there. “Rox is fighting.”

“Roxane!” He could hear the frustration in Emo’s voice and it mirrored how he himself was feeling right about now.

“Please Emo.” She let her head fall against the window as the fight left her body. “Leave it be. It is what it is.”

“That’s a whole lot of bullshit Roxane and you know it.” Ethan pulled the car into Emo’s driveway as she spoke and he honestly hoped that she would be able to talk some sense into his girlfriend’s head. “What are you so angry about?”

“Yeah Rox,” He knew he shouldn’t poke the sleeping bear, but he couldn’t help himself, “what are you so angry about?”

“We’re not talking about this here.” She spat back. 

He could practically see the blood boiling in her veins.

They had struck a nerve.

“Why not?” He could feel his own blood starting to boil and he heard Emo let out a sigh from the backseat. “You didn’t seem to have a problem yelling at me about it in front of everyone in the ambulance bay earlier.”

If looks could kill, he would be a dead man.

“Screw you Ethan!” She threw the passenger side door open and exited the vehicle before he could get in another word.

He was so confused that he couldn’t make sense of what was going on.

She was going to be the death of him if it was the last thing she did.

“I’ll talk to her. Go home Ethan.” Emo patted his shoulder gently and offered him a soft smile. “Thank you for dinner.”

And then she was exiting the vehicle as well and he let out a sigh as he watched the older woman wrap an arm around Rox, escorting her up the steps of the house.

He waited a few minutes, hoping that Rox would come back out, and he got ready to put the car in reverse when she stepped out onto the porch.

There were tears in her eyes and he could tell she was tired.

He just wanted to take her home and wrap her up in his arms and never let her go.

“Want a ride home?” He asked softly as he rolled the window down.

She shook her head ‘no’ and he let out a sigh as she made her way toward him.

“I’m gonna stay here tonight.” She whispered as she stopped beside the driver’s side door.

“Okay.” He nodded his head like he understood, but he didn’t, not in the least bit. “Try and get some sleep tonight.”

He reached his left hand out the window and chanced at cupping her cheek.

She leaned into his touch ever so slightly as she nodded her head.

“I’ll see you tomorrow night.” Her voice was so soft that he barely heard it and it broke his heart.

“I get off at 5:00pm.” He let his thumb brush over her cheek, wiping her tears away gently as he offered her a soft smile. “Come over whenever.”

She simply nodded her head as she swallowed.

He really, really hated how screwed up this whole thing had become.

“I love you.” He whispered after a minute.

Her head snapped up and she blinked her eyes as another wave of tears hit her.

“I love you every day.” He pulled her closer to him and leaned forward, pressing his lips against her forehead as she leaned down. “Even when I don’t always like you.”

She chuckled softly and he let his fingers tangle in her hair as he dragged her lips to his.

He was shocked when she kissed him back.

“I love you too.” She whispered when she pulled away. “Even when I don’t always like you either.”

He offered her a soft smile as she stepped back from the vehicle, her hand squeezing his softly before she moved back up the steps.

She waved at him as he backed out the driveway and it took everything in him not to turn around and go back to her and drag her home with him.

Because as much as he didn’t like her right now, he sure did love her a whole lot.

And he really just wanted to spend the night showing her just how much.


	2. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox didn’t understand why Ethan didn’t seem to think that this was a big deal.

Rox wasn’t entirely sure why she went over to Ethan’s the next night.

She was still mad at him. Very, very mad at him.

But she wasn’t used to spending the night alone.

And as much as she loved Emo, her company wasn’t quite as enticing as Ethan’s.

So instead she had gone home the next day and showered and changed. And then she had headed to Ethan’s to wait for him to get off work.

She had been thankful when his father hadn’t been around. The silence of the small house almost comforting to her after the past few days.

She knew she shouldn’t be so angry at Ethan over something like this.

But she couldn’t help it.

Her insecurities were in full swing and they were constantly reminding her of just how amazing Ethan was, and how not amazing she was.

She didn’t deserve him. No matter how many times he tried to tell her that she did.

She would never be good enough for him.

And she knew that the day was coming when he would realize that and he would leave her alone. 

Just like everyone else in her life always did.

She had crawled into his bed after eating lunch and snuggled herself against his pillows. His scent was overwhelming and she felt herself starting to tear up.

She knew she should get a grip. She knew she should stop acting like this was normal.

But then she had faded off to sleep and that had been the end of that thought process.

—

When she awoke a few hours later there was a warm body snuggled against hers.

An arm around her waist, a leg tucked between hers, a nose nuzzled against her neck.

She let out a soft sigh when she felt his lips press against the skin of her shoulder.

She had missed his touch.

"Are you still mad at me?" He whispered into the silence.

"Yes." She whispered back.

She really didn’t know why she was so mad at him.

She knew her reasoning made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

And yet she couldn’t help herself.

"Are you ever going to stop being mad at me?" He let his fingers wander under the material of her t-shirt, running softly over the skin of her stomach and she let out a sigh.

"I don't know." She shrugged her shoulders at her words and she heard him let out a sigh.

"Are you ever going to tell me what I did wrong?" She rolled herself over then, her eyes connecting with his in the dark light of the bedroom. 

She still wasn’t used to it being dark at 6:00pm.

Just like she wasn’t used to it being so chilly outside.

Ethan said it was nice that weather had been seasonally appropriate the last few days.

She thought he was crazy.

"You really don't know?" She raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head.

"No Rox. I have no idea.” He dropped his head against the pillow and eyed her softly. “You're jealous of something, or someone I should say, and I don't get it."

"That patient from Tuesday night..." She could feel herself starting to panic.

This conversation was stupid.

She really should have just been able to let this shit go.

"What patient?" His fingers moved to settle against her hip, daring to run under the waistband of her pajama bottoms.

"The blonde." She spat out.

"The woman with the broken arm and the blood alcohol level of a small liquor store?" The look that came over his face said everything she needed to know.

She was being ridiculous.

"Yes." She whispered.

That had been the one. The woman who had made her suddenly question everything about her relationship with the man beside her.

"What about her?" His question was soft as he moved his hand from her hip, his fingers trailing up her arm as he spoke.

"You were flirting with her." She knew that Ethan was just being nice. It was just the kind of person that he was. But she didn’t have to like it.

"I offered to hold her hair while she puked all over the back of your rig.” She had thought the woman was ridiculous. Getting that drunk in public and then falling down a flight of stairs because her heels were six inches higher than they should have been. “How is that flirting?"

"I saw you with her. At the hospital, after we dropped her off.” She knew she shouldn’t have been spying on him. “You stuck around just to be with her."

"I stuck around because Leanne asked me too Rox.” She was pretty certain there was more to it than that. “They were in Code Black. I figured the least I could do was to put a cast on the woman's arm and keep her out of their way."

"You flirted with her." She really shouldn’t be making such a big deal out of this.

It wasn’t that serious.

"I did not." She could tell that he was getting slightly defensive and she hated herself for it.

"You were smiling an awful lot." He had been smiling at the woman an awful lot. 

More so than he did with most other patients.

"You know why I was smiling Rox? Because she started asking me about you.” That was bullshit and she knew it. “Not because I was flirting with her. Besides, she wasn't the least bit interested in me. It was you who seemed to have caught her eye."

"Whaaaat?" She was confused now.

"She asked if the 'pretty paramedic lady' was seeing anyone.” She rolled her eyes as his hand moved to tangle in her hair, tugging her head so that her eyes were locked with his. “I told her that you were, that you were seeing me. She said she was jealous. That you were beautiful. I couldn't help but agree with her."

"Ethan..." He was really good at filling her head with lies and she hated it.

"True story. She asked me how long we'd been together.” He ran his thumb along her cheekbone and she closed her eyes. “If we had kids, if we were getting married, if our sex life was any good."

"And what did you say?" She was curious as to how he would answer questions like that.

They had never really discussed their relationship status before.

"I told her that we'd been together 3 months.” She couldn’t believe that it had been 3 months already since they had said ‘I love you’ while laying in bed in the mountains. It felt like it was just yesterday and yet, at the same time, it felt like it was years ago. “That we didn't have any kids and that we weren't thinking about marriage, yet."

"And our sex life?" Their sex life was amazing, of that she knew.

"I told her I didn't kiss and tell." He winked at her and offered her a soft smile.

"And what did she say?" She didn’t know why she was so concerned with what this woman had to say about their sex life.

What happened in their bedroom was their business.

"She said she bet it was hot as hell.” That was an understatement if there ever was one. “I told her it was and then I left."

"So she wasn't flirting with you?" She felt like an idiot. A really, really big idiot.

"No Rox, she wasn't flirting with me." He leaned in and pressed a kiss against her cheek then.

She didn’t deserve him.

"Would you have flirted back with her if she had?" She really didn’t understand why she couldn’t just let this go. Surely Ethan had had enough of her.

"Not intentionally." She raised an eyebrow in his direction and he let out a soft sigh that sent her heart into overdrive.

Everything about this man drove her crazy. And everything about this man sent her mind for a spin.

She had never been so in love.

"What does that mean?" Her question was whispered as she closed her eyes. She didn’t even want to imagine what his answer would be.

"Look, Rox, you're the only girl for me okay. That's never gonna change.” He ran his thumb along her cheek and nudged his nose against hers. She reluctantly opened her eyes but all that was staring back at her was a look of love. “Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or next year. You're it for me, you hear?"

"But..." She wanted to argue with him so badly.

"No, no buts, not on this one.” He pressed a soft kiss against her lips then, his fingers tangling themselves back in her hair as he moved to hover over her. “I love you and only you and I'm not looking for another woman. I don't want a side piece or a mistress or any of that shit. I want you and only you for the rest of my life. Do you understand?"

"I guess..." She still didn’t understand.

"You guess?" He looked down at her with soft, yet questioning eyes and she choked back a sob.

"I'll never understand what you see in me." She whispered.

"You're beautiful and funny and smart. You have a huge heart and you're the gentlest person I know.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead as he spoke. 

“You're determined to make yourself better and you never stop trying and you never give up. You make me smile without even trying and I laugh more when I'm with you than I've ever laughed before.” Then a kiss to her nose.

“You keep me grounded and you keep me sane and I thrive off of the constant love and support you offer me. I live for your hugs and your kisses and having you in my arms is the most exotic and real and comforting feeling I've ever known.” Then his lips pressed against her cheek softly.

“I'll never get that with anyone else. And frankly, I don't want to even go looking for it. I want you, and only you.” And then he kissed her lips gently before pulling back and offering her the most genuine smile she had ever seen. 

“And one day I will make you my wife and then you'll be stuck with me for all of eternity." His words sent her heart into a panic.

She couldn’t imagine being anyone’s wife, much less Ethan’s. 

She thought the idea sounded amazing, and yet terrifying all the same.

"You're crazy. None of those things are true." She closed her eyes as another round of tears threatened to fall.

"They're all true. Every last one of them." She felt the fingers of his left hand leave her hip and start to creep upward, pushing her pajama shirt aside as he made a move to cup her breast.

She shook her head then, her mouth unable to speak.

She would never understand what he saw in her.

Or why he seemed to love her so fiercely.

"I love you Roxy." He whispered against her lips.

"I love you too." She whispered back.

She forced her eyes open and locked them with his.

They were full of so much love and passion and she just wanted to get lost in his touch for days.

So that’s exactly what she did.


	3. Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan had an obsession, and it was going to be the death of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***I’m fairly certain no one is actually still reading this story, but since I’be already written the first 12 chapters there’s no reason for me not to post them.**

Ethan had an obsession.

A very, very bad obsession.

Although, he guessed, that it probably could have been much worse.

He was in love with Roxane Valenzuela. 

Downright, obsessively, in love with her.

And he absolutely couldn’t get enough of her.

No matter how hard he tried.

But more than anything, he was obsessed with one certain aspect of her.

And it drove her absolutely mad.

Her hair.

He loved her hair. He loved everything about it. And he would be lying if he said that he felt like he needed to constantly be touching it.

“What are you doing Ethan?” Rox’s voice was soft as she whispered her question to him in the dim light of the bedroom.

They had both rejoiced in a day off, conveniently at the same time, and they hadn’t bothered to put clothes on or leave the bed since collapsing there last night.

He had been laying awake staring at her for the past hour.

His fingers running through her hair obsessively as he watched her sleep.

He knew it was probably creepy, but he didn’t care.

He would never get over how in love with her he was.

“Nothing.” He whispered back.

He nuzzled his face against her neck as he tried to hide himself from her.

He had been busted, once again, and he knew it.

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.” She let her cold fingers dance along his bare hip and he popped his head up from it’s spot in the crook of her neck to shoot her a dirty look.

She knew that it drove him crazy when she did that.

He was constantly getting on her about how cold her fingers and toes were.

She seemed to enjoy using them for evil more often than not.

“I like your hair.” He pressed a kiss against her shoulder as he settled himself against her once more. “So shoot me.”

“You more than like my hair.” She tickled his side softly and he let out a growl, rolling himself on top of her as he fought to pin her hands above her head.

He reluctantly had to let go of her hair to do so though and he instantly felt like something was missing.

“I love your hair.” He dropped a kiss to her nose as he offered her a sly smile. “It’s my favorite part about you.”

She rolled her eyes as she bucked her hips up against him.

She then wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him in as close as possible.

“Why?” Her eyes were full of curiosity and the soft smile on her face told him that she was seriously confused about his obsession.

“Because it’s beautiful and it’s perfect.” He pressed a soft kiss to her lips as he dropped one of his hands down to run along her side.

He felt her squirm under his fingertips as he let them glide over the outside of her breast.

“Just like you.” He settled his hand on her hip as he locked his eyes with her and he watched as she shook her head back and forth.

He knew that she would never see herself the way that he saw her.

That she would never see how beautiful and perfect she truly was.

It killed him to know that she had been denied that pleasure up until now.

“Not true.” She whispered as she freed her hands and let her fingers run down his back softly.

She let one hand settle against his bare butt, the other gripping onto his shoulder as she blinked her eyes repeatedly.

She was fighting off tears and it broke him.

“Very true.” He let his other hand move down to tangle in her brown curls once more and he dropped his lips back against hers.

He was hellbent and determined to make her see just how beautiful and perfect she was to him.

—

They had made love twice before Rox had quietly swatted his hands off of her.

She had whispered something about being exhausted and he just chuckled at her.

He knew she was exhausted. Hell, he was too, but he was attempting to savor every little moment that he had with her.

He had spent the entire time they had been going at it reminding her how much he loved her and how perfect she was to him.

She had spent the entire time denying it and trying to change the subject.

He had reminded her once more how much he loved her hair when he had tugged her head down to his roughly.

He had been worried that she would panic, that he had been a little too forceful with his move.

But then she had smiled against his lips and she had picked up the pace.

He had tugged on the brunette locks a little harder then and she had nipped at his bottom lip before shifting on top of him in just the right way.

He had seen stars when she made him reach the edge before her that time.

Once he had gotten his bearings he had reminded her that her hair was magical.

She had rolled her eyes at him before rolling off of him with a huff and settling herself back against the pillows. 

He had snuggled himself against her bare side almost immediately, and his fingers had sought out her hair once more.

—

When he awoke a few hours later the bed was empty and he let out a sigh at the feeling of cold sheets beneath his fingers instead of her warm body.

“Rox?” He called her name softly but he was met with silence.

He hated waking up without her.

It didn’t matter if they had been together for 24 hours prior or not.

He always, always wanted to wake up with her in his arms.

When he didn’t receive an answer after a few minutes he pulled himself up out of the bed and made his way into the bathroom.

He knew that a warm shower would clear his head, so that’s exactly what he focused on doing.

After exiting the shower and drying off he made his way back into the bedroom, his eyes searching for his companion once more.

“Roxane?” He called a little louder.

Still, he was met with silence.

He let out another huff as he pulled his boxers and sweat pants on and he grabbed the closest shirt he could find before heading toward the bedroom door.

When he exited into the hallway he could make out the sound of movement in the kitchen and he let out a sigh.

He prayed that that was his girlfriend and not his father.

Making his way downstairs he stopped in the entryway to the kitchen and let out a soft sigh.

She was perfect. Downright, fucking perfect, and he was so in love with her in that moment that he couldn’t function.

She was wearing one of his flannel shirts and a pair of fuzzy knee-high socks, and nothing else.

She was making what looked to be brownies and she was humming along softly to the song playing on the radio.

He thought she was the most beautiful and domesticated angel he had ever seen.

But then she turned every so slightly and he noticed that her hair was different.

Instead of it hanging loosely over her shoulders, a slight curl running through it, it was pulled back.

And it was braided.

And as beautiful as she looked, it wasn’t the same.

“What’s that?” He hadn’t intended for his question to come out so abrupt, but he couldn’t help himself.

He was totally confused as to why she would tie those gorgeous locks up.

“What’s what?” Her question was soft as she stopped her mixing and turned toward him.

She still looked amazing. And he still wanted to ravage her against the kitchen counter. But there was something about that braid that was getting to him.

“Your hair?” He moved fully into the kitchen and stopped in front of her, his fingers going out to tug on the braid gently. “What’s this?”

“It’s a braid Ethan.” She looked at him like he had seven heads and he figured that she probably had every right to.

He was acting kind of strange if he was being honest.

“Why is it in your hair?” He stepped closer to her then, his hands moving to settle on her hips as he pinned her gently against the counter.

“I felt like doing something different.” She gave the braid a soft side glance before returning her eyes to him. “You don’t like it?”

She sounded so incredibly disappointed and it broke his heart.

That had certainly never been his intention.

“It’s not that I don’t like it.” He reached up with his right hand to run his fingers along the knotted together pieces of hair. “It’s just…”

Her eyes were getting that far off, hazy look in them and he hated himself for even bringing it up.

“I like being able to run my fingers through it.” He whispered. “That’s all.”

“I can take it out.” She whispered back. He could feel her hand shaking as it left it’s spot on his chest to reach for the braid.

“No.” He dropped his forehead to hers. “Leave it.”

She nodded her head softly and he leaned down to press a kiss against her lips.

They stood that way for a few minutes, their lips dancing softly over each other’s, and he couldn’t help but moan when her fingers tangled in his own hair.

He was itching to get his fingers into her hair, but he meant what he said.

She could leave the braid.

For now.

“Just think,” She whispered against his lips as she broke the kiss, “my hair will be a lot curlier when I take this thing out in a few hours.”

She offered him a soft wink and he felt his insides turn to mush.

This woman was going to be the death of him.

And she was going to start by killing him, using her hair.


	4. Dog Tags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox was slightly obsessed with the silliest little thing about Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***There is smut. You have been warned.**

Rox was slightly obsessed with the silliest little thing about Ethan.

And she knew that she totally shouldn’t be.

But she just couldn’t help herself.

She couldn’t get enough of his dog tags. And as much as she tried to forget about their existence, she couldn’t.

They had become not only an obsession, but also an object of comfort, and she felt like she had to always be touching them.

She understood why he kept them hidden under his clothes.

Why he never wore them on-top of his shirts, regardless if they were at work or not.

But she hated that she didn’t have instant access to them like he did to her hair.

She knew that her obsession wasn’t quite as bad as his, but it was definitely nearing it.

“Roxane…” Ethan’s voice was soft as it echoed through the quiet space of his living room.

They had settled on the couch about an hour ago, him with a book in his hands and her with a magazine she had snagged from Emo’s coffee table.

Something about gardens and landscapes.

She didn’t really know why she was reading it, she had the blackest thumb of anyone she knew.

But there was something about the picture on the front that had grabbed her attention.

However, her attention had wandered about ten pages into the gloss covered book when she caught sight of the chain of Ethan’s dog tags glistening in the soft light of the room.

“Yes?” She answered him softly, her eyes shifting upward to give him a soft look.

He was staring at her curiously and that’s when she realized that she had tugged his dog tags loose from his t-shirt and that she was currently fiddling with them.

“Whatcha doing?” He looked so young and innocent and pure and she was taken aback once more at the fact that he was hers.

“Nothing.” She whispered. She dropped the chain from her hands and let them fall into her lap as she settled against his side once more.

He let out a quiet sigh as he placed his book on the end table and tugged her into his lap.

“Doesn’t look like nothing.” He pressed his lips to her ear and she couldn’t help the shiver that ran through her body.

The temperature at night had started to drop dramatically and she still wasn’t used to how chilly it sometimes got inside the house.

Ethan preferred to keep it cooler, which was fine, but at times, she would catch herself getting the smallest of chills.

“Something about those dog tags huh?” He nudged his nose against hers, doing his best to get her attention.

She tried to avoid him, mostly out of embarrassment, but she was failing.

“Guess so.” She whispered back.

He leaned down then and kissed her softly.

“Kinda like me and your hair?” He let his fingers tangle in her curls as he spoke and she let out a soft sigh at the feeling.

“Kind of.” She wouldn’t say she was quite as bad as him.

She never would have let her fingers run over his tags in public.

Not like he was apt to do with her hair sometimes.

She got ready to respond when he kissed her deeply, his tongue tangling with hers as he moved to lay her back against the couch cushions.

She said a silent prayer that his father didn’t come over and walk in on them again.

He had picked the prime moment of Ethan dropping his head between her breasts to enter the house a few days ago.

Needless to say, he hadn’t returned to the scene of the crime since then.

“Love you.” Ethan’s voice was soft as he pressed his lips against her neck.

She felt his fingers push at the hem of her shirt and she shifted so that he could pull it over her head.

“I know.” She wasn’t nearly as prone to telling him that she loved him.

At first she thought it would be an issue, but it turns out he didn’t seem to mind.

She said it often enough that she supposed it was good enough for him.

“Promise?” He nuzzled his nose against her shoulder blade as he dropped a kiss to her bare chest, his hands pushing gently at the material of her yoga pants.

“Promise.” She whispered back.

She let her hands tug on his shirt then, pulling it over his head effortlessly as he let his fingers wander under the waistband of her underwear.

She felt another shiver come over her as he pulled back just enough to push her bottoms down.

“Your dad’s not gonna walk in again is he?” She really, really hoped not.

“We had a chat.” He pressed his lips against her right breast as he let his hand settle between her legs.

He slid a finger into her effortlessly and she let out a moan as he let his tongue run along her nipple. 

“Good.” She breathed out, her eyes slamming shut as he slid another finger inside her.

She let her hands wander down his back and she shoved at the material of his sweatpants, hoping she had the strength to push them downward enough.

She was successful enough for him to shimmy the rest of the way out of them and she let her fingers trail over his erection as he let his lips kiss a trail across her stomach.

He inhaled deeply at the contact and she couldn’t help but chuckle.

She knew just how to drive him crazy and she was thankful for it.

“You’re beautiful.” He whispered against her stomach.

“Shut up Ethan.” She growled back.

She let out a whimper when he withdrew his fingers from inside her and she threw her head back when he let his lips ghost over her curls.

“Make me.” His voice was lustful and she felt herself snap at his tone.

She wrapped her hand gently around his dog tag chain and yanked just hard enough to get his attention.

“Shut, up, Ethan.” She gave him a look that must have sent him over the edge because the next thing she knew he was pushing himself upward and toward her and the look in his eyes was dark and hungry.

“Make me.” He dragged out, his fingers settling on her hips as he slowly pushed himself into her.

She let out a soft whimper with the contact and she had to force her eyes to stay open.

The things he was able to do to her with such simple movements should be outlawed.

“Is that a challenge?” She kept her fingers wrapped around the chain around his neck tightly as she shot him a dirty look.

“It sure is.” He pulled back from her ever so slightly before pushing himself into her once more.

She couldn’t help the moan of pleasure that left her lips and she rolled her eyes at the cocky smile on his face.

“Challenge accepted.” She whispered.

And then she tugged on his dog tags just hard enough to bring his lips crashing down against hers.

And the rest was history.

—

When she awoke a little while later Ethan was snoring softly, his arm having settled over her shoulders as he slept soundly.

He had tucked her against his side after having brought her over the edge multiple times and while she had wanted to retreat upstairs to the much bigger bed, her legs were shaking so badly that she doubted she would make it.

Instead they had settled on the plush couch and he had thrown a blanket over their bare bodies before dozing off to sleep.

She had fallen asleep a few minutes after him and she was surprised to see that she was awake before him.

But then she remembered that he had just pulled an almost 48 hour shift between the hospital and riding around with her in the ambulance all that morning.

He was probably way more exhausted than he let on.

Letting out a soft sigh she let her fingers dance over his bare chest, seeking out the metal objects she knew were situated somewhere against his cool skin.

She found them and couldn’t help but smile.

She didn’t know why she was feeling particularly antsy in that moment, but she was.

And she could feel her anxiety creeping in ever so slowly.

So she sought out the one thing that seemed to calm her nerves these days.

His dog tags.

She let them lay flat in the palm of her hand for a few minutes before she felt her fingers itching to run across the raised lettering.

She traced her index finger over his name, Willis, Ethan J. and she couldn’t help but smile at the fact.

She didn’t know why she loved his name so much. It wasn’t really unique or special, but it was uniquely him, and he was special, and that was all that mattered to her.

She let her finger wander over his social security number and his blood type next, pausing to try and memorize the information that she hoped she never needed to know.

She prayed that nothing ever happened to him that resulted in her needing to share that kind of information with anyone.

Ever.

The simple thought made her heart start to race.

She felt him stir beneath her arm and she held her breath, waiting to see if he would wake up or not.

He let out a huff as his arm tightened around her shoulders and then his left hand was laying itself on top of her right, his fingers tangling with hers on top of the metal.

“Can’t get enough of them can you?” She could hear the humor in his soft question and she closed her eyes as she tried to snuggle closer to him.

“Just trying to memorize everything I can about you.” She whispered softly.

That part was partially true.

In reality she was just trying to ground herself.

But she didn’t want him to know that she was feeling that way because she knew that he would panic and then smother her with kisses.

Right now she just wanted to relax and be a normal couple for once.

Not a couple that felt like one or both members was falling apart at any given moment.

“Hm… not much to memorize love.” His voice was so sleepy and beautiful and she couldn’t help but smile as he nuzzled his face against the top of her head.

“Just in case I ever need it, ya know?” She prayed that he knew what she was talking about.

She really didn’t want to have to go into detail.

“Pray that you never do.” He whispered.

He dropped a soft kiss to her hair before settling back against the pillow once more.

“I hope not.” She whispered back.

She let her fingers drop the metal tags back against his skin as she let out a soft sigh.

“Something’s bothering you?” She didn’t expect his question and it startled her.

She still wasn’t used to someone caring so much about her and her well-being.

No one had ever cared about her thoughts and feelings so much before.

After three months she really shouldn’t be so surprised though.

“My mind’s going to that place again.” She didn’t really even know where that place was but she knew that he knew exactly what she was talking about.

They had been down this road many times in the past 100 days.

It didn’t always end well for either one of them.

“Don’t let it.” He dropped another kiss to her head as he squeezed her shoulders tightly. “I’m here, and I’ve got you, and everything is okay.”

She let out a shaky breath as she nodded her head against his shoulder.

She knew that she was being ridiculous. She knew that she was safe and that he wouldn’t let anything happen to her.

But ever since the accident. Ever since she had woken up in that hospital room completely alone and begging for him, she had had this dark place in her head.

A dark place that drew her in and did it’s best to destroy her.

“I know you’re still healing Rox. And I know you’re still tired.” Another kiss and another squeeze and she let out a soft whimper at his gentleness. “But you’re okay and I’m okay. Just try and relax some.”

She nodded her head once more as she closed her eyes and settled against his side with a soft sob.

She felt pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

“I love you Roxane.” He pressed his lips against her forehead and she tried to get herself as close to him as humanly possibly. “I love you more today than I did yesterday and I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now.”

She didn’t know why her heart skipped a beat every time he said those words to her, but it did.

It had become their thing. Their saying. He would tell her that almost every night before they went to bed. And he would text it to her during the day.

He always knew when she needed to hear those words and it shocked her how well he seemed to know her.

“I love you too Ethan.” She pressed her lips against his bare shoulder as she let her fingers search out the metal objects she so desperately needed to touch.

She let the chain tangle around her fingers as she ran her thumb along the raised words once more.

She felt him chuckle softly as he pressed another kiss to her forehead and then he was dozing back off to sleep.

She willed herself to sleep then, snuggling closer to his warm body as she let the coolness of the metal beneath her fingertips calm her raging nerves.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan and Rox get started on celebrating their first Christmas together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I apologize for the sparodic updating, I’ve got a lot going on personally and I’m just barely hanging in there. I’ll try and update as often as I can but as of right now I’ll probably be stopping around chapter 11 to take a break (since that’s as far as I’ve written). I figure since there aren’t really any people reading this it doesn’t really matter, but I still figured I give a heads up. Thanks to the two of you who have stuck around. This is for you!

The holidays had snuck up on Ethan. Much, much quicker than they normally did. And before he knew it it was the Thursday before Christmas.

He had never been more shocked to look at a calendar in his entire life.

What had really shocked him had been that Rox had made absolutely no mention to the upcoming holidays.

It both intrigued and worried him.

He wouldn’t say that Christmas was a huge deal for him, but it was definitely something that he celebrated. At least in theory.

He had made mention of that fact to his dad that morning and he had been more than willing to suggest that they invite Rox, and Emo, over for Christmas dinner.

He had been hesitant to say anything in the way of a ‘yes’, but his dad had been pretty persistent.

So he had contemplated the idea and let it mull over in his brain the entire day.

And it had been driving him crazy.

Noa had been the first one to point out that he seemed distracted. 

Leanne had been the last.

And when she told him to snap out of it, that dangerous twinkle in her eye, he had shaken himself back down and apologized profusely.

He had later confessed to her what was plaguing his mind and she had just laughed at him and told him he was being crazy.

She knew damn well that Rox would celebrate with him if that was what he wanted to do.

She had told him as much as he shoved the last of his pizza in his mouth and then she had made a comment about how much of a man child he was.

He had flipped her the bird before swallowing his food and thanking her for her insight.

He knew that she was on to something though, that she knew Rox well enough to know what the woman would want to do.

If she said that he should talk to Rox than he would.

He waited until he got home that evening and after showering and throwing on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and sent her a text.

_Dad asked me this morning if you were spending Christmas with us. And that's when I realized, I don't even know if you celebrate Christmas and I feel like the worst boyfriend ever._ In reality, he should have known the answer to that question already.

_You are far from the worst boyfriend ever._ Her text made him smile. He was thankful that she didn’t think he was a horrible person for not knowing something so simple, yet important.

_Do you celebrate Christmas?_ He didn’t know why he was crossing his fingers so hard. It really wasn’t a big deal if she didn’t.

_Not normally. But it's just something I don't put much thought into._ That told him absolutely nothing.

_So you wouldn't be opposed to celebrating it?_ His mind was racing in a thousand different directions.

_I would be willing to give it some thought._ Progress, good.

_So if I told you that dad wants to have you and Emo over for Christmas dinner you would be on board?_ He figured that throwing out there that Emo was invited too would help soften the blow. 

_Both of us?_ Although, it was kind of an odd request coming from his father.

_Yeah. Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Whichever you want. Or both if you want._ He would love it if she spent the entire weekend with him. Waking up next to her on Christmas morning would be the best gift he could ever receive.

_Will there be a tree????_ He smiled at her use of the Christmas tree emoji followed by a bunch of question marks. If she wanted a tree, he’d give her the best damn tree he could find.

_If you’d like a tree._ He loved putting up a tree. He loved stringing the lights and hanging the ornaments. He loved everything about Christmas.

_I couldn’t tell you the last time I had a Christmas tree. Emo was never big on decorating. I think my parents maybe did it once or twice. When I was real young._ His heart broke in two for her. He understood if her parents didn’t want to celebrate, or if they weren’t religious, or whatever. But he got the feeling it was something deeper than that.

_We could most definitely get a tree then. I’m sure there’s some ornaments in the garage somewhere. Robbie always had a tree up, no matter where he lived._ He had no idea where in the garage those ornaments would be. And he certainly didn’t want to go digging for them. He wondered if his dad would have a clue if there were some hidden in the house somewhere.

_Can we do it this weekend?_ Christmas Eve was Monday night so they’d certainly need to get cracking if they were going to get everything done on time.

_We’ll go tomorrow after work and get a tree._ They both worked until 3 tomorrow, surely they could manage to find a good Christmas tree before it got dark.

_I’d like that._ He felt his heart flutter in his chest. He’d like that as well.

_Me too._ The simple thought of spending his first Christmas with her made his heart swell. He hoped that they had many more Christmas’ together, but the first one was always the best.

_I’ll see you in the morning?_ She must have been tired because that was often a clue that she was heading to bed.

_Of course._ He couldn’t wait to see her. To kiss her and hold her in his arms. It had only been two days, but it felt like longer.

_I love you._ He loved it when she told him that. He was the luckiest man alive.

_I love you more._ And he did, he loved her more than anything in this world, and he was determined to show her that this weekend, Christmas tree and all.

—

He and Rox had headed straight to the Christmas tree place she had found online after work and he had been pleased to see the giant smile on her face when they had pulled into the lot.

He had never seen a grown woman so excited about Christmas trees in his entire life.

They had wandered through the rows for a good hour before she settled on a big, beautiful tree with full branches and a slightly wonky top.

But she said that it was perfect and that had been all he needed to hear.

He had strapped it to the roof of the Jeep and headed toward his house as she rode shot-gun, the biggest smile on her face as she let her fingers tangle with his.

He would never get over how incredibly lucky he was to have her in his life.

When they got to the house his dad was waiting for them on the front porch and he had a raised eyebrow as they exited the vehicle.

“Did you two get the biggest tree you could find?” He really didn’t think the tree was all that big. Especially given that this wasn’t even close to the largest tree in the lot.

“Actually, no, this was on the smaller end.” He watched as Rox gave his dad a sloppy smile and he couldn’t help but chuckle. She knew just what she was doing when she had picked this tree.

“Where did you go, the giant tree farm?” His dad’s question was full of a soft humor and he simply rolled his eyes.

“Hey Rox was the one who looked the place up online.” It reality, she had been the one to suggest getting a tree on the smaller side. She knew just what his dad would do if they pulled up with a massive tree that barely fit in the house.

“I happen to like our rather large tree.” She said softly, a sly smile on her face as she eyed his dad around the green branches.

“I don’t think this one box of ornaments is going to cover that.” His dad nudged his foot against a box that was sitting on the porch and that’s when Ethan realized that it was a box from out of the garage. He was shocked that his dad had been willing to go out there and look. The garage had been off limits to them both since Robbie had passed.

“Then we’ll get some more tomorrow.” He offered them both a smile as he hoisted the tree down from it’s place on the roof and made his way inside. “We can leave the decorating for tomorrow night. We’ll start a fire and play Christmas music.”

“And act like a normal family?” His father’s question caused him to roll his eyes and he imagined that Rox was probably doing the same. “How Hallmark channel of you Ethan.”

“Hush it. My girl wanted a tree, she got a tree.” He stopped just outside the doorway and turned toward the woman in question, offering her the softest of smiles. “My girl wants to be a cheesy, Hallmark channel family, than that’s what we’ll be.”

“You’ve turned him in to a pile of mush, you know that right?” There was nothing but humor in his dad’s eyes and he noticed that he didn’t seem the least bit annoyed with his observation about Ethan’s mushiness.

“I rather like this side of him.” Rox commented softly, her eyes twinkling in the early evening light.

“It’s a shame your brother isn’t here.” It honestly was a shame that Robbie wasn’t around for all of this. “He’d never let you live this down.”

“Robbie would have loved this kind of stuff.” And that was true. His brother had always been one for tradition and for silly little things that made others cringe. “He was always the cheesy one.”

“This is true.” He pushed his way through the door then, dragging the tree into the living room as his dad and Rox trailed behind him. “Well don’t take to long setting that thing up, dinner’s almost ready.” 

“We’ll be done in ten dad.” He really shouldn’t have been surprised that his dad was cooking dinner, again. Ever since the man had started showing up more he had also started hanging around the house more. Bringing with him, a constant source of food.

Ethan had grumbled about how annoying it was.

Rox had found it endearing.

So he hadn’t bothered to tell the older man to get lost.

“Good.” His dad disappeared into the kitchen then and he turned his attention toward the woman standing in the doorway.

“Wanna help me set this up?” Her eyes lit up in a way he had never seen before and he couldn’t help but chuckle at her excitement.

“Yes please!” She practically ran toward him, the smile never leaving her face as she helped him set up the green monster of a tree.

He had never been so thankful for a Christmas tree in his entire life.


	6. Christmas Tree Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox didn’t realize that spending Christmas with Ethan would be wonderful, and yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne.  
> **Also, I may have fudged the timeline slightly and I’m sorry for that. Also, these two mushes are going to be the death of me. That is all.

Rox had been over the moon at Ethan’s proposal to spend Christmas with him and his father.

And when he had told her that they could even get a Christmas tree she had almost lost her mind.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had had a Christmas tree, real or fake. And she was so excited to decorate it and sit and stare at it for hours.

They had had a blast picking out the tree and she had felt her heart melt every time she would catch Ethan looking at her with that twinkle in his eye.

She may have loved him, but he was clearly head over heels for her, and it made her swoon.

She couldn’t believe that she had ever gotten so lucky.

They set the tree up Friday night after getting home but they had decided to wait until Saturday to get decorating.

Martin declared that they needed more decorations and Ethan had been happy to oblige. So much so that she was pretty certain he had bought out what little Target had left in the way of Christmas décor.

They had spent the afternoon decorating around the house a little and then once the sun had set and they had eaten dinner they had tackled the task of decorating the large tree.

Ethan had kept his promise of starting a fire, despite it not quite being necessary in the way of temperature.

And then he had put on Christmas music and his dad had rolled his eyes as he sang along to every song.

Horribly, she might add. Very, very horribly.

But she loved him for it nonetheless.

After they had finished with the tree the three had collapsed onto the couch and admired the view for a bit.

She had started to doze off and she heard Martin say something about turning in for the night.

Ethan hadn’t responded and she wondered if he had fallen asleep.

But then he was shifting positions and pulling her to down onto the couch to lay beside him.

She felt the blanket fall over them just as his arm settled around her shoulders, his face nuzzled against her neck, and she let out a soft sigh as she opened her eyes and took in the scene.

She never in a million years thought that she would be lucky enough to be laying here with Ethan, in front of a Christmas tree, all snuggled up and warm.

“It is a rather large tree.” She whispered into the silence.

“Good thing Robbie liked vaulted ceilings huh?” Ethan simply nuzzled his face into her neck even more and she felt his lips graze over her skin.

“Was he really into all the cheesy stuff?” She could only imagine if he was anything like Ethan that cheesiness was probably how he did everything.

“Totally. He would have loved this tree.” She could hear the sadness in his voice and it broke her heart. He never talked about his brother much and she had often wondered what the younger Willis man had been like. “And he would have loved decorating it by fire light and singing Christmas carols. He probably would have even made hot chocolate and hung mistletoe.”

“He sounds like he was a good guy.” Robbie sounded just like Ethan, and Ethan was as good of a guy as they came, so she could only imagine that he was similar to his brother in that way.

“He was the best.” Ethan’s voice was barely a whisper and she chanced a look at him. His eyes were closed but there was a soft smile on his face.

She was thankful that the memory of his brother brought him some happiness amongst all the sadness his death had ultimately brought.

“You miss him?” She knew that was a silly question. Of course Ethan missed him, how could he not? He was his little brother.

“Everyday.” His lip tilted slightly as he leaned his head against hers with a soft sigh.

“I wish I could have met him.” She wished more than anything that she had gotten to know the younger man. She bet she would have loved him as much as she loved Ethan, and Martin for that matter. Those Willis men sure had wormed their way into her heart these past few months.

“He would have loved you.” The soft smile on his face told her that they would have probably been quite the pair. She bet that they would have given Ethan a run for his money. “You two would have been hell on wheels together, but you would have definitely gotten along.”

“What was he like?” She wanted to know everything about this man, everything that Ethan was willing to share at least.

“Not that much different than me.” She gathered that. “He was a little louder, a little more, out there. He was definitely the rowdy one of the two of us.”

“I can see that.” She could see Robbie being the wild child to Ethan’s relaxed and calming demeanor. “You are very mellow in your old age.”

“Who you calling old?” He shot her a soft look as he chuckled a little.

“I’m just saying.” She shrugged her shoulders as she buried her face against his shoulder.

The age difference between them wasn’t something she ever let bother her before. She had been with men much older before, and while she was in fact much younger.

Nine years was nothing these days. At least not to her.

“You’re the one sleeping with the old man.” He waggled his eyebrows at her and she let out a laugh.

“And the old man has quite the stamina if I do say so myself.” She wouldn’t trade him and his old man ways for nothing. Especially not when she consider how amazing he was in bed.

For an older man, he certainly had some moves.

“You’re rotten.” He dropped a kiss to her forehead as he tightened his grip around her shoulders.

“And you love me.” Of that she was certain.

She may have doubted a lot in this life, but Ethan’s love for her was something that she was starting to come to terms with more and more.

“More and more with every day that passes.” The way his eyes twinkled in the low light from the Christmas tree made her heart burst at the seems and she couldn’t help herself from trying to snuggle even closer to him.

“What did he like to do? I mean, I remember you saying he liked to write. Those poems that he wrote, they were beautiful.” Her mind flashed back to another time when Ethan had held her this close to him. They hadn’t been dating back then, in fact, they hadn’t been anything. But she would never forget the way his arms felt wrapped around her. The way his breath tickled her neck as he recited the words from Robbie’s favorite poem to her. “Was that his only hobby?”

“He liked to travel, which he did a lot with the Army. He’d been everywhere.” She imagined that must have been pretty amazing. She had never been anywhere. In fact, other than a few trips to Seattle to see Emo’s family, she hadn’t been outside of Los Angeles. “Italy, Hong Kong, Australia, Brazil, you name it, Robbie had probably been there.”

“Korea?” She had always wanted to go back to the place her parents were from. They had both immigrated to the states when they were children and she remembered her grandmother telling her stories about how beautiful it was there.

She still had a few aunts there if she wasn’t mistaken. Her mom’s sisters who had gone back after they had gotten old enough to move out on their own.

“Lived there for a year.” His words were soft against her ear and she let out a quiet sigh.

“I’m jealous.” She would have loved to have lived there, even for a little bit of time.

In reality, she would have just loved to have seen something other than LA and it’s tacky, touristy nature.

“I’ll have to see if I can find the pictures he sent me while he was there.” She offered him a soft smile as she turned to face him. She hoped he could find them because she’d love to see them. “He said it was one of his favorite places. We were supposed to go back someday.”

“Maybe we can go together instead?” She knew it was a stretch, but it was worth a shot.

“I’d like that.” The smile he offered her told her that she may not be thinking to far out there though.

“What did he do besides travel?” He offered her a soft hum as he closed his eyes for a minute.

“He loved to rebuild old cars.” Her eyes must have gotten real wide because he offered her a soft chuckle as he let his fingers brush over her cheek. “There’s a Corvette in the garage that we were supposed to restore.” 

“What year?” She was curious, very, very curious.

“’67.” His eyes twinkled once more and she found herself falling even harder.

“Damn.” She loved old cars, antiques really. She remembered being real young, before her father had lost his way, and watching him work on his old Mustang in the garage behind her uncle’s house. It was probably the only fond memory she had of her father.

“You like old cars?” His fingers had fallen to brush over her shoulder then and she let out a sigh as he pushed at the material of her t-shirt.

“Apparently I have a thing for anything old.” She winked at him and he huffed, but his smile never faltered.

“Wicked.” He leaned down and captured her lips in his then and she let out a soft moan when he let his tongue trace over her lips.

“Indeed I am.” She whispered when he finally pulled away. “Are you ever going to restore it?”

“Maybe one day. I haven’t been able to open the garage since Robbie died.” She could see the torment in his eyes and it broke her heart. She had never seen Ethan look so lost before. “All his stuff was put there after the funeral and I haven’t been able to bring myself to go inside.”

“I’ll go with you one day if you’d like.” She reached up and ran her fingers along his cheek as she spoke. “Inside the garage I mean. I’d love to see that car.”

“I’d like that.” He leaned his cheek against her palm and she let her thumb brush over his stubble as she turned her attention back toward the tree.

They laid there for a little while longer, just simply enjoying each other’s company.

Ethan had let his hand fall to her hip and his fingers were dancing softly over the exposed skin above her leggings.

She could tell that he was itching to let his hand reach down further, but she was thankful that he was refraining.

“The tree is leaning.” She whispered softly.

“Don’t say that.” He mumbled against her ear.

“Well it is.” She turned her attention back toward him but his eyes were closed and his face was nuzzled against the pillow.

“Let’s just hope that dad doesn’t notice.” He whispered.

“Oh he’ll notice alright.” It was kind of obvious, though, she thought it was slightly endearing to be honest.

“Well not if you keep your mouth shut he won’t.” He opened one eye and gave her a soft smile before nuzzling his face against her shoulder.

“So what’s for Christmas dinner anyway?” She was still trying to figure out what exactly his dad had meant by that. “Are you guys traditional or do you just make whatever?”

“Don’t know. Last year I worked Christmas Eve and we always get Chinese on Christmas Day.” She could get down with the Chinese food on Christmas Day thing. It sounded like a decent enough tradition to follow. “Year before that I was with Leanne for Christmas. Don’t know that we ate much of anything though.”

She knew that he and Leanne had been a thing at one point. What kind of thing, she wasn’t quite certain. But it was still taking some getting used to when he mentioned his past with the other woman.

She liked Leanne, a lot. In fact, they were really good friends.

But it was still weird to know that she had once shared a relationship with the man that was now hers.

“So you have no idea what your dad’s going to make?” She wondered if he had traditions like that as a child.

“There’s no telling.” But knowing his father, it could be the most random thing ever.

“I don’t even know what a traditional Christmas meal is.” She was pretty certain that she had probably worked every Christmas since she was old enough. She had always been the one who seemed to take other people’s shifts for them so that they could enjoy the holiday with their family. “We’ve never really celebrated, not since I was a child.”

“Emo wasn’t big on it?” His eyes were soft when she turned to face him and she offered him a gentle smile.

“We would have a small tree and she would bake cookies. We’d exchange a few gifts, but that was it.” She shrugged her shoulders before turning her attention back to the tree across from them. She hated thinking about it, absolutely hated it. “We never went all out, not once I got older anyway. She would make it special for me when I was a kid, as much as she could that is. But my parents certainly didn’t care. I don’t think they ever decorated or even got a tree. Maybe once.”

“That sucks.” He dropped a kiss to her ear and then one to her shoulder and she let out a soft whimper when he let his thumb brush over the small scar on her right hip.

“What about you? Did you guys decorate a lot when you were little?” She hoped that he had better Christmas memories than her. He certainly deserved to have some sort of peace of mind about the holiday.

“We did for a while. Dad used to hang lights on the house in North Carolina. We’d get a tree and decorate it.” She wondered if he had pictures somewhere of his Christmas’ as a child. She’d love to have seen him and Robbie opening gifts or standing in front of the tree. She bet they were downright adorable. “Mom would make cookies, Robbie and I would make lists for Santa. Up until mom got real sick we were pretty into the holidays.”

“It must have been hard on you guys. To go from having so much to things being so screwed up.” She couldn’t imagine having such a perfect life and then all of a sudden, not.

“It was… it was an adjustment. Dad, he kind of just shut down. He didn’t want to accept that mom was sick.” She totally believed that. Martin was a tough cookie and he certainly didn’t let his emotions take control. She bet that it had been hard to watch his wife get so sick, especially knowing that there was nothing that he could do about it. “Robbie was still so young, he was only 4 when she was diagnosed. He didn’t understand.”

“And you did?” She turned her head back toward him but his eyes were focused on some far off point across the room, a sad expression on his face as he spoke.

“Not really. But I faked it.” That was totally believable too. Ethan was always one to put on a good front. “I acted like it didn’t bother me, mainly for Robbie’s sake.”

“You were a good big brother.” She had no doubts in her mind about that one.

“I loved that kid more than anything.” There was a small smile on his face at that comment and she let out a chuckle. “He was a royal pain in the ass, but I wouldn’t have traded him for anything.”

“I’m sorry Ethan.” She couldn’t imagine losing a sibling, especially not the way that he had. She had never had any siblings, at least not ones that she knew, but she knew it had to have been hard on him.

“It’s okay. It happened and most days it’s best to just act like it never did.” She hated that he saw things that way. He deserved so much better than the tragic things that had happened to him.

“I get that. Hiding things away is sometimes the easiest way to deal with them.” That’s certainly how she dealt with things, especially things related to her past.

“It’s certainly not the healthiest, but…” He turned his attention back to her then and he offered her a solemn look. He knew exactly what she was referring too and it scared her that he knew her so well.

“Sometimes easy isn’t always healthy.” She knew that statement all to well too.

“You would know huh?” He almost sounded salty and it made her heart hurt a little. She knew that her distance was hard on him, especially given how open of a person he was.

“I never handled my issues Ethan, I just buried them.” She had had Emo, and Emo’s husband Jim, but they hadn’t been prepared to take on an emotionally troubled teen. They had put a roof over her head, and they gave her what support they could, but they weren’t able to fix her like she needed. Instead, she shut down and she closed everyone out. “It worked back then, but look how fucked I am now.”

“You’re not fucked up.” He nuzzled his face into her hair and pressed a kiss against her hair. “You’re perfect and I love you.”

“You are so full of shit.” She mumbled.

“Maybe I am, but when it comes to you, I am nothing but honest.” She had started to get that vibe from him. She knew that while he was gentle and delicate with her, he was also willing to put her in her place when she needed it.

“I’m glad I found you Ethan.” Her words were whispered as she turned her face into his.

“That makes two of us.” He pressed a kiss to her nose before letting his lips fall against hers softly. 

She heard him let out a soft growl in the back of his throat and she smiled into the kiss, her fingers tangling in his hair as she dragged him closer.

She certainly was thankful that she had found him.

And she certainly planned on never letting him go.


	7. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox thought that they should respect Martin’s wishes, Ethan, on the other hand, did not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ** This is pure, unadulterated smut. You have been warned. **

They had stayed snuggled on the couch for a good thirty minutes, their lips dancing softly over each other’s as they made out like a bunch of teenagers.

She had never met a more gentle kisser than Ethan.

And yet, he was strong and rough about it in all the right ways.

“You two gonna stay there all night?” Martin’s voice startled them both and she felt Ethan jump slightly in her arms as she moved to bury her face against his shoulder.

They really needed to stop getting caught in such compromising positions by his father.

At least this time they were fully clothed.

“Maybe.” Ethan mumbled against her forehead. 

She felt his hand flatten itself against her bare back, his fingers tickling her spine as he took a deep breath.

He was trying to calm himself, in more ways than one, and she found it kind of endearing how invested in their kissing he had become.

“So help me God if I come back in here and find you two naked in front of the Christmas tree…” She could practically hear Ethan’s eyes rolling back into his head.

“Don’t give her any ideas dad.” She let out a huff as she looked up at him.

If there was anyone who was going to start disrobing the other it was going to be him doing it to her. He always took matters into his own hands, especially once he got going.

“We’ll behave ourselves Martin, we promise.” She turned her head in his dad’s direction and offered him a soft smile as she let her fingers dance over Ethan’s hip under the blanket.

“You better.” He raised an eyebrow before shaking his head in their direction.

“Goodnight dad.” Ethan growled out.

“Goodnight you two.” And then his dad was retreating down the hallway just as quickly as he appeared and she let out a chuckle as Ethan dropped his head into the crook of her neck and started nipping at the skin.

“Eeettthaaan…” She dragged out his name as his hand snaked it’s way under her leggings and underwear and flattened itself against her bare bottom.

“We’re not really gonna behave ourselves are we?” His teeth dragged across her pulse point as she craned her head to give him better access.

She really shouldn’t be encouraging his nonsense, but dammit if he hadn’t gotten her really hot and bothered by all that fantastic kissing he had been doing a few minutes ago.

“Yes Ethan, we are.” She felt his hand start to make it’s way around the front of her, his fingertips dancing against her curls as he pressed a kiss against the spot on her neck where there would surely be a mark tomorrow.

She would have to make sure she wore something that covered that up before going into work.

The last thing she needed was another snarky comment from Leanne about recognizing Ethan’s handiwork.

“Why?” He sounded so pouty and pitiful and it almost made her willing to let him do whatever he wanted to her.

“Because your father asked us to.” She pulled back slightly then, giving him a look that she knew would have little to no effect on him.

“That’s a horrible excuse.” He leaned down and captured her lips in his just as he let a finger run along her core. She nipped at his lip as he slid his finger inside her and she gripped at his hair when he let out a chuckle.

He thought he was being sneaky, but he wasn’t.

She was on to him.

“Ethan…” She pulled from the kiss and eyed him wearily.

“What?” He looked so innocent and child like and she hated it.

He knew what a sucker she was for that look.

He knew that she couldn’t say ‘no’ to that face.

“What are you doing?” She growled out her question as he added another finger, his thumb brushing along her core as he gave her a soft smile.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” She let her hand fall to his shoulder when his fingers stroked over just the right spot and she couldn’t help the small moan that left her lips.

“It looks like you’re not listening to your father.” She buried her face against his shoulder then, not willing to let her moans be heard by the older man down the hall.

“I never really liked following the rules in case you haven’t noticed.” He was evil, downright evil, and she knew that two could play at that game.

“Ethan… we can’t.” She hoped that one last plea would convince him to at least stop until they made it upstairs.

“Yes we can.” He dragged his thumb along her core a little slower this time and she bit down on the exposed skin of his shoulder to hide her whimper.

“But…” She let her hand wander downward then, grazing it over his obvious erection before she stopped it just above the waistband of his sweats.

“It’s my house.” He whispered. She could tell that he knew that he was in trouble. “Besides, we’re covered, he’s not gonna see anything.”

“You’re insatiable.” She slid her hand inside his pants and boxers then, letting her hand wrap around him gently.

The moan he released was anything but quiet and she was pretty certain that Martin had to have heard that.

She waited for the man to come rushing down the hall but he didn’t.

Probably because he was very well aware of what was going on in the other room.

“And you’re fucking sexy as hell.” His words sent her body into overdrive and she bucked her hips against his hand. “So sue me if I can’t keep my hands to myself.”

“You have a dirty mouth.” She pulled her head out of the crook of his neck then, offering him a dirty look as she began to move her hand up and down his member.

“Just wait a few minutes,” He pressed his forehead against hers as he whispered his next words, “I’ll show you all the good things this dirty mouth can do.”

“We’ll have to be quiet.” She didn’t miss a beat and she knew it threw him off his game. Normally at this point she was a muttering mess, especially given just how good his fingers felt between her legs. But tonight she was determined to hold her own against him. “You know we’re not very good at that.”

“Well then just bite your lip really hard.” He nudged his nose against hers and she let out a whimper as he withdrew his fingers slightly and then pushed them back inside her slowly.

“Me? I’m not the one who makes so much noise.” That was true, she was a quiet lover, Ethan however, was not.

“You know, you’re cranky when you’re tired.” He nipped at her lips as he tugged her closer using the hand that was still against her back.

“And you’re an asshole when your tired.” She growled back. She let her hand tighten around his erection just enough to cause a moan to escape his lips and she couldn’t help but chuckle as he fell back against the couch cushions.

“Bite me.” He was practically shaking in her arms and she loved it.

“Just tell me where.” She let her lips crash against his as she picked up the pace of her hand and he whimpered into the kiss.

“Evil.” He mouthed against her lips. “Pure evil.”

“Maybe.” He picked up his pace as well and she felt herself reaching the edge. “Stoooop Ethan.”

She could feel herself getting close and she stopped her movements as he withdrew his fingers from inside her.

She let out a soft whimper, the loss of contact making her feel very empty.

But then he was rolling them over and he was pinning her down underneath him and she couldn’t help but let out a huff as he looked down at her with dark eyes.

“Do you really want me stop?” He had both hands on her hips then, his fingers preparing to push her bottoms down and she swallowed.

She wanted him to do so many things to her right then and there and stopping surely wasn’t one of them.

“No.” She whispered.

He smiled down at her softly as he pushed her leggings down slightly, then her underwear.

The couch cushion was cold against her bare bottom and she let out a soft whimper when his fingers danced over her thighs and then upward, settling on her hips once more.

“Good.” He dropped his head down to hers and kissed her softly, his tongue tracing over her lips as he pushed his own pants and underwear down.

He slid into her effortlessly and she whimpered into the kiss, her eyes closing tightly as he squeezed her hips.

She felt him pick up his pace pretty quickly and she knew that she must have gotten him pretty close to the edge with her movements from earlier.

“Old man can’t keep up anymore can he?” She growled against his lips.

The look he shot her told her she was a dead woman.

“Old man,” He slid from within her and she let out a soft cry, “can keep up just fine.”

He squeezed her hips roughly as he pushed her further back against the couch cushions, settling himself between her legs once more.

“Ethan…” She didn’t want to beg, but she was so close and she just wanted him to bring her over the edge. “Please…”

He shook his head ‘no’ before dropping his head down to her shoulder.

She felt his fingers push at the material of her sleep shirt as he let his head fall further downward.

The next thing she knew he was running his tongue along her right breast, grazing her nipple just enough to cause her to whimper once more.

She truly was a puddle of mush in his hands.

And she both loved it and hated it.

“Ethan…” She let her head fall back against the arm of the couch as he moved his head down a little further, his lips pressing kisses against her stomach as his fingers ran along her breasts. “I…”

“Hush.” He nipped at the skin of her hip bone and she slammed her eyes shut tight.

She should have known better than to tease him.

She knew exactly what that always did to him.

“This isn’t fair.” She whispered.

But then his head was between her legs and his lips were soft against her center and she lost the ability to think straight.

She bit her lip to keep a moan back when he let his tongue run along her folds and she felt tears spring to her eyes at the pain from the bite.

She expected him to keep going.

She expected him to bring her over the edge right then and there, but he didn’t.

Instead, he kissed his way back up her body before settling himself above her once more.

She didn’t dare open her eyes.

She didn’t dare speak.

She was so far gone that any little movement or sound might ruin the whole thing.

She felt his lips press against the skin of her neck as his hand settled against her hip softly.

“Open your eyes Roxane.” He whispered.

He never called her Roxane. Except for when he was mad at her.

Or when he was really, really into her.

She let her eyes open slowly and she was greeted with a soft smile.

She certainly didn’t except that.

“Still think I’m an old man who can’t keep up?” His question was humorous and she could tell from the twinkle in his eye that he was teasing her.

He wasn’t mad, or upset.

He wasn’t going to hurt her or torture her or do any of the things she was used to experiencing in that kind of situation.

She shook her head slowly as she swallowed, her eyes focusing on everything but him.

“Look at me Roxane.” He whispered again.

The fingers on her hip flexed slightly as he lined himself up with her center, sliding into her slowly as he locked his eyes with hers.

She couldn’t help the soft sob that left her throat.

He certainly was the most gentle lover she had ever had.

“I love you.” He pressed a kiss against her nose as he set a slow but steady pace. “I love you more today than I did yesterday.”

She nodded her head slowly as she let her hands fall flat against his back.

She didn’t know if she was capable of speaking.

She was both physically and emotionally spent after all this.

He nipped at her lips gently and she whimpered, her fingers gripping his shoulder softly as she let her leg wrap around his waist, pulling him as close to her as possible.

She could tell that she was close. Real close. And she just wanted to tumble over the edge and then fall asleep in his arms like she had so many times before.

“And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do today.” She whispered.

She had never used his phrase back at him and it must have shocked him because tears started forming in his eyes.

“You’re perfect.” He pressed a soft kiss to her cheek as he nuzzled his face against hers. “So fucking perfect.”

She shook her head back and forth as she let her hand wander upward, her fingers threading through his hair as she dragged him closer.

He shifted his hips then, thrusting against her with a slightly more forceful pace.

She let out a moan as she felt him hit just the right spot and the next thing she knew she was tumbling over the edge.

“Ethan.” She whimpered out his name as she came and she tightened her fingers around his hair as she tried to hold him as close as possible.

His hand stilled against her hip as he dropped his head to her shoulder, his lips grazing over the sweat covered skin as he tried to compose himself.

But then he was following her over the edge and his teeth sank into the spot on her shoulder where his mouth had settled and she heard him whisper her name over and over again against her shoulder as he came within her.

They laid that way for a minute, both of them doing their best to catch their breath.

They both failed miserably and she could feel Ethan’s tears against her skin.

She didn’t know why he was crying.

It certainly wasn’t the first time they had sex together.

She doubted it would be close to their last.

But then she realized that he must have realized that she trusted him. That she let him in. And she knew that something like that would break him.

“I love you Ethan.” She whispered against his ear, her fingers dragging slowly through his hair in a comforting manner. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

“I know.” He pressed his lips against the spot on her shoulder where his teeth had surely left a mark. “I know you do.”

He pulled his head upward then, offering her a soft smile as he dropped his forehead to hers.

She felt his fingers on her cheek then, brushing back the tears that must have fallen from her own eyes.

“I mean it.” She hoped that he knew just how badly she needed him. How important he was to her, even after everything they had been through, everything that she had been through. “I need you.”

She felt a sob escape her lips with her deceleration and he settled his palm against her cheek as he closed his eyes.

“Oh baby.” He pressed a soft kiss to her nose, and then one to her lips, before whispering back to her. “You have no idea.”


	8. Proposals? Or Not...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan has some explaining to do.

Ethan had relished in the feeling of having Rox in his arms last night.

Even though they had spent many a night together since returning from their trip to the mountains three months ago, last night had been different.

They had made love on the couch in front of the Christmas tree.

And then he had soothed her back down with soft kisses and gentle touches.

He had brought her over the edge twice more, once with his fingers and once with his tongue, before she had let out a whimpering plea for a shower.

He had been happy to oblige and he had been shocked when she had pushed him against the wall of the shower and had her way with him.

Normally he was the one who took control when it came to sex.

It was nice to see her do so for once.

After they had finally cleaned up they had both collapsed into his king sized bed, both completely naked, neither one focused enough to care. And they had drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms once more.

When he awoke the next morning his companion was gone though and he had instantly panicked.

He had called for her a few times before he remembered that she, unlike him, had an early shift that morning, and she must have snuck out to avoid waking him.

He had sighed at the loss of contact, her spot on the bed already turning cold, and he secretly hated their jobs in that very moment.

He just wanted to spend the day in bed with her, naked, and that was all there was too it.

Sighing to himself he pushed himself out of bed and headed to the bathroom. He knew a shower would help, as would a cup of coffee, and he planned to try and at least get something productive done before he headed to work that afternoon.

After showering and dressing he headed downstairs, a low growl leaving his throat when he noticed his dad sitting at the kitchen table, a weary look on his face.

He had completely forgotten that his father had spent the night last night.

For what reason he was still uncertain about.

“You two are not very good at keeping your voices down.” His dad’s words startled him and he had to close his eyes and reopen them in order to focus in on what the older man had said.

Then it hit him.

They had had sex on the couch. They had done many things on the couch.

All while his father had been down the hall.

And they most certainly were not quiet about it.

“Excuse me?” He tried to play dumb but his father shot him a look that said he was failing miserably.

“Last night. I heard everything.” He turned toward the older man and raised an eyebrow. “And I mean, everything.”

“We weren’t that loud.” He let out a soft chuckle when his dad rolled his eyes at him.

“Wanna bet?” Or maybe they were.

“I apologize, but it is my house.” He knew that wasn’t an excuse. They should have had the common decency to gone upstairs to the bedroom at least. “You’re the guest here remember?”

“Never said it wasn’t your house.” He still wasn’t used to the fact that his dad had signed the property over to him. That this place was finally his, just like Robbie would have liked. “I just really didn’t want to walk in on you two, again.”

“Well it’s a good thing you stayed in the back room then isn’t it?” He was hoping to use humor to escape the awkwardness of this conversation, but it wasn’t working.

“You two are insatiable.” His dad didn’t miss a beat though. Typical.

“We’re in love.” And that they were. So very much in love. And it was killing him.

“That’s good to know.” He offered him a smile as he nodded his head in his direction.

The room was silent for a few minutes as Ethan fixed himself a cup of coffee.

His mind was wandering off in a million different directions and it was driving him crazy. He didn’t know what to think or what to feel. He just felt so overwhelmed with it all.

“I mean it dad. This is serious. This isn’t like the other relationships I’ve been in.” And he meant it. Sure he had loved Sarah, but they had just been kids. And he cared about Tara and Megan, but they hadn’t meant the world to him. And Leanne, well Leanne had been his everything, and part of her still was. But she wasn’t his and he wasn’t hers and he was okay with that. But Rox, he loved Rox like he had never loved anyone in his life. “This is, this is special. Rox is special. I love her. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything.”

“I’m glad you found her son.” His dad’s words were soft and genuine and he was thankful that they had finally reached a spot in their relationship where they could talk to each other about these kinds of things.

He used to talk to Robbie about stuff like this.

He missed having that bond with someone.

“I wanna ask her to marry me.” He whispered.

He knew it was insane.

They had only been together three months.

But he wanted her to be his wife more than he had ever wanted anything in his entire life.

“Don’t you think it’s a little soon for that?” Of course it was too soon for that. But he didn’t care.

“Yes. No. I mean… I don’t feel like it’s too soon.” Part of him would have married her three months ago had that been what she wanted. “Is it too soon?”

“It’s only been three months Ethan.” He let out a sigh at his father’s words. The older man had a point. “Don’t you think you should allow for some more time? You guys barely know each other.”

“I know enough to know that I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.” He had known that from day one.

“I think it’s okay to know that at three months son, to act on it though, that’s a different story.” He sighed as he leaned back against the counter.

His father was right. Not that he would ever admit that to the man. But he knew he had a good point.

“I just… I love her so much.” It hurt him how much he loved her. He just wanted to make her happy and to cherish her the way she deserved. After everything she had been through in her life, it’s what she deserved.

“Good.” His father said softly, offering him a look that told him that that was enough.

“I don’t want to ever stop.” And he didn’t. He wanted to marry her and have babies with her and grow old with her.

He wanted to kiss her everyday for the rest of his life and he never wanted to fall asleep without her in his arms.

“Then don’t. But don’t scare her off by taking a step as big as that one.” He knew she would freak out at the simple idea and that was enough to keep him from actually going through with it. “Especially after everything she’s been through. Take some time to get to know each other. Grow in your relationship a little more before you take that kind of step.”

“You think she’d say ‘no’?” He didn’t want her to say ‘no’. He wanted her to say ‘yes’. He wanted to make her his wife.

“I think if you asked her today she would.” He blinked back the tears in his eyes at his father’s words.

“I…” He didn’t know how to respond to that.

“Look Ethan, that girl loves you, of that I’m certain. And it’s obvious that you love her too.” He was glad that it was obvious to others that she loved him back, because there were honestly days where he wondered. “But it’s too soon and you know it.”

“Yeah. Yeah you’re right. It’s stupid.” He pushed himself off the counter as he shook his head back and forth.

“It’s not stupid son, just give it some more time.” His dad reached out and grabbed his arm as he moved to walk past him.

“Yeah… time…” He pulled his arm free though and moved away from the older man as he swallowed back a sob.

Time was something he didn’t know if he would have with Rox.

It had certainly proven to be something they seemed to lack a lot of together lately.

—

Rox had been waiting for him when he got home that night and he had offered her a soft ‘hello’ before making his way upstairs and taking a long shower.

He had only worked a six hour shift, but it had been one of the longest.

Even Mario had commented on how insane it had felt.

He had gotten dressed in silence and when he came downstairs Rox was still curled up on the couch in front of the tree, her eyes skimming over the pages of the magazine she was reading.

He had grabbed himself a beer from the fridge and he honestly contemplated going back upstairs and crawling into bed alone.

But then she was offering him a soft smile from her place on the couch and she looked so warm and inviting that he couldn’t help himself from joining her.

“Thanks for decorating the tree with me.” He didn’t know where those words came from. It wasn’t like it was that big of a deal.

“Thanks for letting me. I had fun.” She sounded genuine in her reply though and he let out a soft sigh.

“Same here.” He leaned back against the couch and he watched as she moved to curl up next to him.

“It really is a beautiful tree.” She let her head fall to his shoulder as she dropped her magazine into the space beside her.

“We did a good job.” He kept his eyes trained forward, taking in the sight of the large object in front of them.

“Yes we did.” She whispered.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both of them focusing on the soft, twinkling lights of the tree.

He felt his heart start to race and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders with a soft sigh.

“I love you. You know that right?” His words were whispered into the darkness and he felt her hand tighten on his thigh.

“I know Ethan.” She whispered back.

“Just making sure.” He sometimes wondered if she knew just how much she meant to him.

He knew that she sometimes had a hard time believing him when he said it.

After everything that she had been through though he didn’t blame her.

“What’s wrong?” Her question startled him and he turned his eyes toward her as he let out a breath.

“Nothing.” That was a lie. There was so much wrong that he couldn’t focus straight. But none of it was her fault and he certainly didn’t want to give her that impression. “Just got a lot on my mind today.”

“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?” He knew that she would blame herself and that’s exactly what he wanted to avoid.

“No love, nothing at all.” He pressed a kiss against her hair in hopes of calming her down. He didn’t want her to blame herself for anything. “I’ve just been doing some thinking and it’s put my head in a weird place.”

“Thinking? About us?” There was a faraway look in her eyes and it broke him.

“Of course my love.” He hoped that she realized that it was all good thinking though.

“Are you breaking up with me?” The look of panic that overcame her shattered him in two.

“Never.” He pressed his lips against her forehead as he ran his fingers over her arm.

“You promise?” There were tears in her eyes and he dropped his forehead down to rest against hers as he squeezed her shoulders tightly.

“I promise Rox. I’m not breaking up with you.” He couldn’t imagine ever doing such a thing. No matter how bad things got. He would love her until the day he died. “I love you, so very, very much.”

“Good.” She whispered. “I love you too.”

He dropped another kiss to her head before tucking her against his side once more and he smiled when she snuggled closer to him, her arm wrapping around his stomach as she curled her legs behind her on the couch.

He loved moments like this.

Moments where they could just be them.

Where they didn’t have to worry about anything else in the world.

He was thankful they had the next three days off and that they could just enjoy being together.

He wanted her to actually celebrate Christmas and enjoy it.

“Maybe by next Christmas you’ll be my wife.” He whispered his words into the darkness after a few minutes of silence and he felt her body tense in his arms at the comment.

He was stupid, that much he knew.

“Your what?” She barely choked her words out as she pulled away from him some.

“My wife.” He offered her a smile as he reached out to brush back some of her hair. “You know, the person you become when you get married to someone.”

“We are not getting married Ethan.” She sounded very adamant about that and it hurt him.

“Well no, not today we’re not.” He chuckled softly as he cupped her cheek gently against his palm. “But maybe by next Christmas we will.”

“What kind of drugs are you on?” Her question made him shake his head.

Why did he have to be on drugs to think that her being his wife would be a good idea?

“No drugs.” He whispered. “Just really, really like the idea of you being my wife.”

“You’re crazy.” She whispered back.

She pulled away from him then, settling back against the other end of the couch with a sigh.

He could see the wheels in her head turning and it made him wonder if he would ever be able to bring up the idea without freaking her out completely.

“Would it really be so bad?” He wanted to know if she would ever be comfortable with the idea.

“Ethan… please…” He saw that anxious look fill her eyes and he moved forward on the couch, putting himself closer to her.

“What?” But she just pushed him away.

“Stop talking about it.” She whispered.

She was crying now, big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around herself with a sob.

“Why?” He wanted to know what was so terrifying about the simple topic.

“Because it’s making me uncomfortable.” He could see that and yet he wouldn’t stop pushing.

He hated himself in that moment for doing this to her.

“Well it shouldn’t. I love you Rox. I know that you love me too.” He didn’t know why he thought his words would offer her any comfort. She was clearly freaked out too much to continue this conversation. “We already make a great team. Imagine what it would be like to be husband and wife? We’d be unstoppable.”

“Please stop.” She sobbed out.

Her body was shaking now and he just wanted to disappear.

“Okay.” He whispered.

He sank back against the couch cushions, his eyes settling on the tree across from them once more.

He felt horrible for breaking her.

For pushing her like all those men had before.

He deserved to be punished for hurting her so bad.

Sighing to himself he pushed himself up off the couch and stopped next to her, his hand reaching out to run down her cheek.

“I’m sorry Rox.” He whispered.

She didn’t say anything back, instead she just nodded her head and leaned back against the couch cushions with a soft whimper.

“I’m gonna go upstairs and give you some space.” She nodded her head again but still didn’t speak. “I love you.”

He dropped a kiss to her head before pulling away from her and heading upstairs.

He let the bedroom door shut behind him before he lost it, big, fat tears of his own falling from his eyes as he leaned back against the wooden object.

He had been a fool to think that she would be okay with the idea.

He should have known better.

And yet, he hadn’t stopped.

He prayed that this wouldn’t ruin their first Christmas together.


	9. Someday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox was terrified that Ethan was going to pull a ring out of his pocket at any given moment, and she knew that she wouldn’t know what to do with herself if he did.

Rox hadn’t been able to wrap her mind around what Ethan had said the other night.

His comment about her being his wife by next Christmas.

She couldn’t get the concept to stick in her head.

It sounded absolutely absurd.

And yet, the more she thought about it, the more she liked the sound of it.

But she knew that it was a long shot and that it would probably never happen.

And she knew that the longer that Ethan spent with her the more he would realize what a crazy idea that was.

She knew that he loved her, but she also knew that there was no way that any man would ever love her enough to make her his wife.

Never in a million years.

And while she had never put much thought into it, the simple fact that she knew that she would never be good enough to be Ethan Willis’ wife, broke her heart.

Because if there was ever a man that she would want to marry.

It was him.

One hundred percent.

—

The two had barely spoken the rest of the night and she had heard him retreat downstairs a little after midnight.

He never returned to bed that evening and when she got up the next morning he was asleep on the couch.

She felt her heart break a little at the sight.

She knew that she had hurt him by the way she had handled the situation but he honestly couldn’t have expected anything different from her.

They had spent the rest of the weekend on eggshells around each other and when Christmas Eve had finally rolled around she had anticipated him kicking her out.

He had wanted to have a relaxing Christmas after all.

But instead he had insisted that she stay for dinner with him and his dad and she had agreed.

They had shared a quiet meal together before settling on the couch in front of the brightly lit tree.

His dad had mumbled something about starting a fire and watching a movie and Ethan had just nodded in agreement.

She had been shocked when Ethan had draped his arm over her shoulder while they watched the movie.

And she had been even more shocked when he had snuggled her against his side.

She certainly hadn’t expected him to show her any attention whatsoever after the way the past 36 hours had gone.

Martin had retreated to bed with a simple ‘goodnight’ as soon as the movie had ended and she and Ethan had been left alone in the quiet room.

His arm had stayed around her shoulders while she stayed tucked to his side and he had dropped a soft kiss to her hair while they sat in silence.

She had wanted to speak so badly, but she had no idea what to say.

At that point, she didn’t know if anything she said would make a difference.

“Love you.” He whispered into the silence, his head falling to rest against hers with a soft sigh.

“Love you too.” She whispered back.

She was shocked that he had uttered those words to her.

She certainly never expected him to say them to her ever again.

“I got you something.” His voice was gentle and low and she felt a chill run down her spine.

They hadn’t talked about exchanging gifts.

Sure, she had gotten him a few things, but they weren’t anything special.

She had a sinking feeling that this gift from him was something really special.

“Oh.” She didn’t know how else to respond. “Okay.”

“I want you to open it now.” He gently pulled away from her and moved toward the tree.

He returned a minute later with a small package, wrapped in simple red paper, a small gold bow placed on top.

She felt her heart stop in her chest.

“That had better not be what I think it is.” She gasped out.

It looked like a ring box.

And after their conversation the other night, she was scared that he may have gone a little to far.

“It’s not.” He almost looked disappointed at those words.

“It’s not a ring?” She wanted clarification before she opened the box because she knew once she opened it that that would be it.

“It’s not a ring.” He whispered. “I promise. Not yet anyway.”

She rolled her eyes at his response.

He could be such a smart ass when he wanted too.

“Ethan…” She tried to use a warning voice, but she didn’t think it worked out that way.

“Rox, I promise,” He offered her a soft look as he sat back down next to her on the couch, “it’s not a ring.”

She eyed him softly as she took the box from his hands and held it up to her face.

“What is it then?” Her curiosity was getting the best of her.

“Open it and you’ll see.” He whispered.

She glanced back down at the package in her hands and she felt herself starting to shake.

The simple thought that whatever was hidden behind that shiny red wrapping paper was something so special was breaking her.

No man had ever given her a gift before.

And no man had certainly ever given her jewelry before.

“I can’t…” She felt the tears prick at her eyes and she hated herself for it.

“Rox…” He reached out then, his hand cupping her cheek softly as he turned to face her. “It’s okay. Just open it. I promise you it’s not a ring.”

She nodded her head softly as she let her eyes shift from his face and then down to the box in her hands and back again.

Letting out a soft breath she gently removed the bow from the top of the box before slowly peeling away the paper.

She was afraid to make a mess of it.

Like she was going to somehow hurt what was inside if she tore the paper off too roughly.

Once she had undone the tape on all four sides she slowly slid the paper off, letting it fall to the space between them.

Left in her hands was a small black box.

A jewelry box.

The exact kind a ring came in.

And she felt her heart seize up in her chest.

“Open it Roxane.” He whispered softly, his hand still pressed against her cheek, his eyes soft in the glow of the Christmas tree light.

She reached out a shaky hand to push the top of the box open and she let out a soft gasp at what she found inside.

He was right, it wasn’t a ring.

It was something just as special though.

“It’s beautiful Ethan.” She barely got the words out before she started to cry.

No one had ever given her something so beautiful before.

Something so perfect and pure.

She didn’t know what to think or what to say, so she just sat there, tears streaming down her face as she eyed the silver object softly.

“You like it?” He sounded hesitant and when she looked up she could see the worry in his eyes.

“I love it.” She whispered.

She reached her hand down then, letting her fingers trace over the simple silver tag softly.

“I figured with as much as you love my dog tags, and as much as you love our saying, that I should put two and two together.” His words were soft as he reached down and gently removed the box from her hands.

She didn’t know what to say so she settled for shaking her head again.

The next thing she knew he was removing the necklace from it’s box and moving to stand.

She thought he was going to leave, but instead he settled himself behind her on the couch.

She instinctively pulled her hair to the side, allowing him to place the object around her neck and clasp it behind her.

“It’s perfect.” She whispered, her fingers reaching down to take the dog tag shaped pendant in her hand.

_I love you more today than I did yesterday. And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now._

The words stared up at her from their place on the small, silver tag, and she felt another round of tears hit her.

It was the most perfect gift she had ever been given and she couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that he had put so much thought into it.

“I love you Roxane.” He pressed his lips against the back of her neck, just above the clasp to her new necklace, and she felt a shiver run through her body.

“I love you too Ethan.” She let her hands fall to her lap as she leaned forward slightly, allowing him to continue his motions, his lips soft against the exposed skin of her neck and shoulders.

“What would you have done if I had gotten you a ring?” His question was soft and she couldn’t help but chuckle as his hands settled against her waist.

He tugged her back between his legs, her back settling against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her from behind.

“I probably would have left.” In reality, she probably wouldn’t have been able to move though.

“One day I’m giving you a ring.” He whispered against her ear.

“No you’re not Ethan.” She really didn’t understand what the big deal was. 

The idea of marrying Ethan both terrified and excited her. 

She wished her heart would make up it’s mind about which one it was.

“Yes I am.” His lips pressed against her shoulder as he yanked the blanket down from the back of the couch and pulled it over them slowly. “Besides, I don’t have to buy one. I already have one.”

She whipped her head around toward him so fast that she was surprised she didn’t whiplash.

“Excuse me?” If he had already gone out and bought a ring she would surely have to hurt him.

“I have my mom’s.” He whispered, the fingers of his left hand pushing their way under her shirt as his right hand cupped her cheek softly. “She would have wanted you to have it.”

“Stop Ethan.” She didn’t know why the topic made her so anxious. But she wanted to stop talking about it as soon as humanly possible.

“Does it really make you that uncomfortable Rox?” His question startled her and she let her body relax back against his a little bit more.

She really didn’t know why it made her so uncomfortable.

Except for the fact that she thought he had to be lying to her about everything.

There was no way that someone as perfect as Ethan would want to spend the rest of their lives with someone as fucked up as her.

“It’s… yes…” She nodded her head softly as she closed her eyes against another onslaught of tears. “I’ve never…”

“It’s okay. I’ll stop.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her neck then, his arms wrapping around her softly as he settled back against the arm of the couch. “Just know that I want that someday, okay? I wanna marry you and make you my wife. It doesn’t have to be next week or next month. And it doesn’t even have to be next year. I just want you to know that I have a ring and when you’re ready, which I hope you one day are, it’s yours and so am I.”

“Okay.” That was all she could manage to get out and she hoped that it was enough.

She hoped that he wouldn’t hate her for it.

That he could understand where she was coming from and that he could respect her wishes to not take this to the next level just yet.

She was happy with what they had and who they were.

She wanted things to stay this way forever.

“Close your eyes and try and rest babe.” He whispered. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She whispered back.

She prayed that things wouldn’t always be like this.

She prayed that someday she would be able to give him the answer that he wanted.

She prayed that someday she would be comfortable enough to be his wife.


	10. The Best Gift of All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan didn’t care about the presents under the tree this year. No, rather, he cared about one present and one present only, and that was the beautiful woman still asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Major smut ahead!**

Ethan had been so thankful that Rox had accepted his gift last night.

And that she had done it with a giant smile on her face.

He knew that she wasn’t used to being spoiled and it killed him.

He wanted to give her the whole world and he hated that he couldn’t.

It was all that she deserved.

They had stayed snuggled on the couch a little while longer, talking softly about a variety of things.

She had told him about the one fond memory she had of her mother. The time she had taken her to the beach when she was maybe seven.

He had told her about the time his parents took him and Robbie to Disney World for a whole week.

She had chuckled as he tried to describe how his mom made them wear matching outfits everyday.

He had held her close when she told him that when they returned home that night her father had gone on a tear and slapped her mother for spoiling her.

He hadn’t bothered to ask her about her childhood anymore after that.

Instead he had soothed her with soft kisses to her neck while he reminded her over and over again just how special she was to him.

And then he had let his hand wander under her pajama bottoms and inside her underwear and she had been putty in his hands from that point forward.

—

They had retreated upstairs after he brought her over the edge with just his fingers and he had taken his sweet and precious time removing her clothes and kissing his way along her body.

They made love more times than he could count, and she clung to him every time she came, her eyes soft yet dark as she whimpered out his name.

Sometime around three in the morning they finally exhausted themselves and he had tucked her trembling, naked body against his as they both dozed off to sleep.

Which is how they were laying now, her head on his shoulder, her arm around his bare waist, their bodies nuzzled together under the comforter he had dragged over them at some point.

Her breathing was soft and even, her eyelids fluttering occasionally as a dream ran through her head.

He could honestly have laid there and watched her sleep all day.

“Merry Christmas Rox.” He whispered softly, his arm tightening around her shoulders as he dropped a kiss to her head.

He doubted that she heard him, he figured that she was probably very much asleep.

But then her lips were turning upward into a soft smile and she was snuggling herself closer.

“Merry Christmas Ethan.” She whispered back.

He couldn’t help but smile brightly as he looked down at her with soft eyes.

“You sleep?” His question was soft as he let his fingers tangle in her hair.

He just wanted to get lost in her and never come back.

“Mhm.” Her eyes were still closed, but she was tracing lazy patterns on his chest with her fingers, so he knew she was very well aware of her surroundings.

“You hungry?” He certainly was.

And as much as he loved the idea of staying in bed with her all day, they had worked up quite the appetite last night and he was certainly feeling it right now.

“Mhm.” She snuggled herself even closer, something he didn’t think was possible, and he shivered when her bare foot came into contact with his calf.

“Do you want to get up and get some breakfast?” He brushed her hair back from her forehead with a gentle push, his fingers lingering over her ear as he stared down at her.

“Uh uh.” She shook her head against his shoulder, her response making her sound like a toddler instead of a grown woman.

“Rox…” He was really hungry. Really, really hungry. And there were cinnamon rolls downstairs calling his name.

“Shhh.” She dropped a kiss to his shoulder as she nuzzled her face against his neck, her fingers trailing lower along his abdomen.

“I’m hungry Rox.” He whispered. “You wore me out last night and now I’m starving.”

“Mhm.” She pressed a kiss against his neck as her hand continued it’s movements.

She stopped her hand just above his groin and he inhaled sharply when she ran a single finger along his erection.

She sure was naughty when she was half-asleep.

“I don’t think I have the energy for any of your shenanigans ma’am.” He reached his hand down and took her wrist gently in his hand, his thumb running along the back of her hand as he let out a soft sigh.

“Then I’ll do all the work.” She whispered.

She pulled her hand free from his grip and let it wrap fully around his member.

He let out a shuttering breath as she began to move her hand up and down slowly.

She was going to be the death of him. 

The absolute death of him.

And he didn’t mind it one bit.

—

Rox’s friskiness hadn’t ended there and after she had gotten him off he had taken it upon himself to return the favor.

She of course had tried to swat him away.

But he was having none of her foolishness this morning.

Instead, he had settled his head between her legs and brought her to the edge and back again three times before finally bringing her over it completely.

She had had tears in her eyes when he had finally kissed his way back up her body.

He had panicked at first, afraid that he done something wrong. 

But then she was smiling up at him with a goofy smile and she was tangling her fingers in his hair as she dragged his lips to hers and he knew that all was right with the world.

He had slid into her slowly, his fingers holding her hip in place as he tangled his tongue with hers.

And when she came she had dragged her nails down his back so roughly he was sure there would be marks there by dinner time.

Not that he minded one bit.

They had settled back into each other’s arms and traded gentle kisses and soft caresses before she had fallen asleep with him spooned behind her.

He had wanted to make a comment about their current predicament but he refrained.

He wondered if she would admit to this being spooning or not.

After all, the last time she didn’t seem to think this counted.

—

They were awoken a few hours later to a soft knock on the door and Ethan had tried to will their pesky visitor away.

But it didn’t work and soon his dad’s booming voice was filling the room.

“We’re gonna be late for dinner you two!” Ethan slammed his eyes shut tight as he nuzzled his face against Rox’s neck.

He was hoping that his dad and Emo would forget about their Christmas Day dinner plans.

“Go away dad!” He felt Rox snuggle against him some more and he let out a growl when her bare bottom pressed against his erection even more.

She was going to kill him before the day was over.

Of that he was certain.

“No can do son!” He rolled his eyes as he let his hand settle against Rox’s stomach.

He wanted to let it inch lower.

He wanted to let his fingers dance over her curls and get lost in her folds.

He wanted to bring her over the edge with just his hand like he had done last night.

Unfortunately though, he wasn’t going to be doing any of that with his dad standing at the door.

“Come on Ethan!” He heard his father let out a sigh. “You two need to stop doing the dirty and get dressed. Emo will be here in twenty minutes.”

He let out a sigh of his own.

He guessed that they weren’t going to be able to get out of this one.

“Fine!” He heard his father retreat down the hallway a second later and he let out a huff.

He didn’t want to get up.

No, rather, he wanted to enjoy a day in bed with the best gift of all.

But he knew his father would just come back up here and raise hell again, so he figured that getting up was in their best interest.

So he decided that he would take it upon himself to wake his sleeping companion in the only way he could think of.

He let his fingers wander lower down her stomach, settling themselves between her legs softly.

She let out a whimper in her sleep and he couldn’t help but chuckle.

Even when she wasn’t fully aware of it, she was aroused by him, and it turned him on in more ways than he could imagine.

“Time to get up Rox.” He whispered against her neck, his fingers running along her folds softly.

She let out another whimper and settled herself back against him even more.

He couldn’t tell if she was waking up or if she was just blissfully unaware of what was going on, so he slowly slid a finger into her.

The soft moan that left her lips told him all he needed to know.

She was awake, and in more ways than one.

“What are you doing Ethan?” She whispered softly, her hand reaching out to grip onto his forearm as she let her leg hike up just enough to give him all the access he needed.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He nipped at the skin of her shoulder as he added another finger and she let out a sound that sent shivers through his body.

“I thought your father said we had to stop.” So she had been awake this whole time.

“Yes, well, I don’t listen to him very well if you haven’t noticed.” He flattened his palm against her curls as he continued to move his fingers in and out of her slowly.

She gripped his arm tighter as she let out another whimper.

“Ethan…” Her breathing was becoming ragged and he picked up his pace, letting his thumb brush along her center as he grazed his teeth along her bare skin. “Please…”

“Please what?” He knew that she wouldn’t beg anymore than a simple please.

But he was certainly willing to give it a try.

“Your dad’s waiting.” She whispered. He could tell that she was melting with every stroke of his fingers and every kiss against her neck. “We… we shouldn’t…”

She was struggling to form words and he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t slightly proud of himself for being able to turn her into complete mush.

“We shouldn’t what?” He wanted to roll her over and crash his lips against hers.

He wanted to settle himself between her legs and slide into her with no warning.

He wanted to watch her come undone as he thrust into her over and over and over again.

But there was something about not being able to see her face that was turning him on even more.

Something about the mysteriousness of the arrangement that was making his heart race.

“We…” She was squeezing his arm so tightly now that it was turning red. “We shouldn’t keep him…”

He dragged his thumb along her core slowly, his fingers dancing along just the right spot, and then she was coming undone right then and there.

The moan that left her lips was anything but quiet and he let out a soft chuckle as she cursed his name under her breath.

He was about 100% certain that his father had to have heard that.

“You okay?” He whispered against her neck.

He let his fingers settle softly against her curls as he held her close, his lips pressing soft kisses against her neck as he tried to calm down his own ragged breathing.

“No.” She whispered back.

He rolled her over gently then, his eyes connecting with hers as he settled his hand against her hip.

Her eyes were half closed and her hair was a wild mess and he thought that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“I’m sorry.” He nipped at her lips softly as he settled himself above her, his legs moving to rest on either side of hers. “Did I hurt you?”

For a second he feared that he had done something wrong.

Normally she was much quicker to recover from their adventures than she seemed to be right now.

She shook her head back and forth slowly as she blinked her eyes a couple of times.

“No.” She let her hands trail down his bare chest, her fingers wrapping softly around the chain of his dog tags. “I’m okay.”

“You wanna shower?” He dropped his forehead down to hers as he let his fingers brush over her stomach softly.

She nodded her head slowly, her eyes closing softly as he pressed a kiss to her nose.

“You wanna shower alone?” He figured that she might need some space from him, especially after all the sex they had just spent the last twelve hours having.

“Not really.” But then her eyes were opening and they were dark and lustful and he felt a chill run through his body.

“We are gonna be so late for dinner aren’t we?” He watched as she let out a chuckle before she dragged his lips down to hers.

He was most certainly okay with being late to Christmas dinner.

Especially since the best gift he had ever received was currently laying in his bed kissing him with all the love and passion she had in her.


	11. Of That I Am Certain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox was worried that Ethan would get over her someday, especially after he found out about the parts of her past that she couldn’t escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***So I’m not even sure if anyone is still reading this, (I honestly don’t think they are ( except for you Violet!), but I’m gonna try and get the next few chapters up soon since I probably won’t be doing a lot of posting during the next month or so. Once I reach a good finishing point I’ll probably just stop posting all together since the fandom is officially dead. Thanks to anyone who’s stuck around, I appreciate it.**

Rox had been beyond exhausted when she and Ethan had finally removed themselves from the shower and the confines of the bedroom.

She had loved spending so much time alone with him last night, but her entire body was sore in all the right ways and she was thankful for the much needed break.

He had tried to tell her that they could skip dinner and fall back into bed, but she knew that Emo and Martin would both never let them live it down if they didn’t go to dinner like planned.

So instead she had swatted his hands away and pulled on her jeans with a soft smile.

He had done the same before pulling her to him by the hips and kissing her softly.

“I love you so much.” He had whispered against her lips and she couldn’t help the shiver that ran through her body.

She would never get used to hearing him say those words.

No matter how long they were together.

No matter how many times he uttered them.

She would always think they sounded foreign when in reference to her.

“I love you too.” She had watched reluctantly as he pulled away from her then, his eyes soft as he made his way toward the closet.

She had watched in awe as he had finished getting dressed and when he had made a comment about how she couldn’t exactly go to dinner in just her jeans and bra she told him that he needed to stop being so damn distracting.

He had chuckled before placing a kiss to her head and leaving the room, the door closing quietly behind him.

It had taken her a few minutes to gather her thoughts and she had pulled on her tank-top and sweater slowly, her brain still focused on the events of the past 24 hours.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had enjoyed celebrating Christmas.

But this was certainly one for the record books.

—

They had enjoyed a nice dinner with Emo and Martin at their favorite Chinese restaurant and then they had returned to Ethan’s to exchange presents.

She hadn’t been expecting much, but the three of them had spoiled her with gifts.

She had been practically in tears by the time they were done and she had thanked them over and over again.

She would never get over how incredible this little family of hers was to her.

She knew she didn’t deserve all the love and attention they were giving her, especially not after everything she had been through.

Martin had shushed her when she made a comment to the liking and he had reminded her that they were family and that’s what family did. They spoiled each other.

—

After exchanging gifts and spending the evening in front of the fire talking she had reluctantly said ‘goodbye’ to both Ethan and Martin and she had driven Emo home in silence.

She knew that it was unrealistic that she would get to spend every night with Ethan.

They hadn’t been together that long.

But she still hated it every time she had to say ‘goodbye’.

She had gone inside with Emo to help her drop off her belongings and she was hoping to escape the house before the older woman started questioning her about how she had spent her holiday.

“So… what did Ethan get you for Christmas?” Dammit. No such luck.

“You were there Emo, you saw.” He had been beyond generous with his gifts and she had been in awe at the amount of thought he had put into each and every one.

She didn’t expect him to get so personal, and yet, he had blown her mind with every gift he gave her.

“I’m sure he got you something that Martin and I didn’t get to see.” She didn’t understand what Emo thought she was going to show her.

Surely she wasn’t going to tell her about how they had spent almost 24 hours making love to each other.

That would have definitely done the older woman in.

“He got me a necklace.” She whispered.

“A necklace?” Emo’s eyes went wide at her words and she couldn’t help but smile as she reached up to run her fingers along the simple silver chain around her neck.

“Yeah.” She never wanted to take the object off. Ever. 

It might have just been a simple piece of metal, but it meant the world to her already.

And the thought that he had put so much thought and effort and love into it made it even more special.

“What kind of necklace?” Emo stepped forward then, her eyes softening as she stopped to stand right in front of her.

“Just a necklace.” She whispered her words and she didn’t understand why she was all of a sudden so self conscious about the silver tag hanging around her neck.

“Can I see it?” She should have known Emo wouldn’t let her off that easy.

She didn’t know what to say so instead she nodded her head softly, her eyes shifting downward as she pulled the metal from behind her sweater.

“Take it off.” Emo said softly. “I wanna get a real good look at it.”

She hesitated at first. She didn’t want to risk anything happening to it.

But then she remembered that this was Emo and that the woman would protect anything of hers with all that she had.

So she undid the clasp at the back slowly before handing the silver chain over to the older woman.

“It’s beautiful Roxane.” She whispered.

She was very well aware of how beautiful it was and it still shocked her that Ethan had been able to peg her style so easily.

“That saying, it’s beautiful.” The older woman glanced up at her and offered her a soft smile. “Is it from a song?”

She felt tears prick at her eyes.

“No.” She choked out.

She really didn’t want to become an emotional wreck over this.

It was just a piece of metal with some words on it.

“What’s it from then?” Her eyes softened just enough to tell Rox that she was very well aware of where it came from.

She just wanted her to admit it.

“It’s what we say to each other.” She whispered. “When we say ‘I love you’.”

Ethan had been the one to say it first.

When he had hovered over her while he made love to her in the big bed at the cabin in the woods.

But then he had started saying it to her all the time.

Especially when she was lost or in a funky place.

Those words always brought her back down from the edge.

She had started to finish the saying for him not that long ago and while it still felt strange to let those words leave her lips, she felt a special connection to him that made her want to say it even more.

“It’s very romantic.” She smiled once more before handing the object back to her.

She quickly clasped it back around her neck, a single tear trailing down her cheek as she did so.

She missed him already and it had only been an hour.

“I’m honestly surprised he didn’t get you a different piece of jewelry.” The mischievous smile on her face made Rox’s stomach turn. “You know, the kind of jewelry you would wear on your hand? On a very specific finger…” 

She didn’t know if it was wise to tell Emo that Ethan had certainly tried.

But the last thing she needed was the older woman getting excited about something that would never happen.

“He would never.” She whispered softly.

He may have joked about it, but he would never actually go through with it.

Of that she was certain.

“I beg to differ young lady.” Emo started walking away from her then, her head shaking back and forth softly as she made her way into her kitchen. “That boy is absolutely smitten with you.”

She let out a sigh at her words.

He most certainly was not smitten.

“I wouldn’t use smitten as a word to describe Ethan, ever.” She followed her aunt into the kitchen, sighing when she saw that she had pulled the tea mugs from the cabinet.

The tea mugs always meant that she was going to get a good talking too.

They also meant that she would probably wind up pouring her heart out to the woman in the next hour or so.

She both loved and hated those damn tea mugs.

“Oh please Roxane.” She watched as Emo placed the tea pot on the stove after filling it with water. “He is so ridiculously in love with you it’s disgusting.”

She rolled her eyes at that statement.

He was not that in love with her.

And it was not disgusting.

It wasn’t real is what it was.

She was just silently waiting for the other shoe to drop.

She knew it would eventually.

“Emo please…” She really didn’t want to do this now.

“No Roxane.” She turned to face her then and the look on her face told her that she needed to get her act together. “Ethan loves you. Probably more than he has ever loved anyone in his entire life.”

She shook her head back and forth as she felt another round of tears hit her.

“And you,” Emo pointed at her softly as she spoke, “need to stop second guessing every aspect of this relationship.”

She choked back a sob as the words hit her like a freight train.

Had that been what she was doing?

Was she really that hellbent on destroying this relationship?

Sure, she never wanted to lose Ethan, but she damn well knew that she didn’t deserve to keep him.

“I’m not…” She felt very emotional all of a sudden.

The simple thought of Ethan making her heart race in her chest.

She really shouldn’t be so obsessed with everything about him.

“Roxane, listen to me and you listen to me good.” Emo stepped forward then, her hands reaching out to rest against her upper arms as she offered her a soft smile. “Ethan loves you. More than life itself. Of that I am certain.” 

She squeezed her arms before continuing and Rox couldn’t help but shake her head at the older woman’s words.

Ethan most certainly did not love her that much.

There was no way he could.

He was too good for her. He deserved so much better.

“He deserves better.” She choked out.

“Bullshit.” Emo wasn’t one to curse, so when she did, Rox knew she meant business.

She closed her eyes shut tight as the tears poured from them.

She wasn’t strong enough for this.

Not after everything she had been through.

“Roxane, honey, look at me.” She reluctantly opened her eyes and let them settle on the older woman’s face. “After everything you have been through, that you have both been through, you deserve to be happy.”

She shook her head back and forth so fast it made her head hurt.

“Yes Roxane.” She pulled her into a hug then, wrapping her arms around her tightly as she held her in place against her chest.

Rox felt like a little kid again.

Emo had been the only person who had comforted her when she was upset.

Until Ethan came along that was.

“He loves you and he adores you and I know you feel the same way about him.” She pulled back just enough to cup her head in her hands and she offered her a soft smile. “You two belong together and everyone knows it.”

“He’ll get bored.” She whispered. “He’ll get fed up with me and he’ll leave me.”

She could barely get the words out, the tears falling down her cheeks faster than she could keep up.

“No he most certainly will not.” Emo pulled her back into her arms as she rubbed her hands over her back soothingly. “It won’t be easy Rox, relationships never are. But I can promise you that it will be worth it.”

She pulled back once again and offered her a soft smile.

“I can’t make him happy Emo.” She sobbed out. “Not like he deserves.”

“You already make him happy Roxane.” She pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead before pulling back once more. “I may not have known Ethan long, but I know that I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you.”

She shook her head once more, the force causing Emo’s hands to fall to her shoulders.

Ethan deserved someone who would love and adore him for the rest of his life.

He didn’t deserve someone as broken as her.

There were things she couldn’t give him.

Things that she knew he would one day want.

And it destroyed her to even think about what would happen when she had to face the truth and tell him about her past.

About the things she doubted were in her medical file.

About the things she doubted were said about her around the water cooler.

She would never be enough for him.

Of that she was certain.

“Stop it Roxane.” Emo shook her gently, her voice raising as she locked her eyes with Rox’s. “Stop it right now! Get out of that place in your head.”

“I can’t Emo…” She took a deep breath as she felt herself starting to shake. “He’s going to find out one day. He’s going to know about the things I’ve done. The things that have been done to me. He’s going to find out and he’s going to leave me out just like the trash that I am.”

“Shut up Roxane.” She could tell that Emo was getting angry with her.

She never did appreciate it when she tore herself apart.

It always took her weeks to put herself back together after she had breakdowns like this.

This would be the first one she had had since she and Ethan had come home from their little getaway.

He had never had to face her after one of these nights.

A night where she would cry herself to sleep in Emo’s arms and then toss and turn until daybreak.

And then she’d spend the next two weeks in a cloudy funk, her mind lost in some far off place that she had been sent to almost twenty years ago.

A place where she had lost the most precious piece of herself.

A piece that she could never get back.

“You need to calm down Rox.” Emo’s voice was soft as she let her hands grip her cheeks once more. “It’s going to be okay.”

“What happens when he finds out?” She choked out her question as her eyes fell shut. “He’s going to leave me Emo, I just know it.”

“He’s not going to leave you.” She whispered. “And if he does. If he can’t love you because of something that happened almost two decades ago. If he can’t love you because of something that was entirely out of your control. Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

She let out a strangled sob as she fell back into Emo’s arms.

“But he won’t do that Roxane.” She felt Emo press a kiss to her head just as the pot on the stove started to hum. “He loves you and he will always love you. I know that much.”

She sniffled against the older woman’s shoulder as she clung to her tightly.

She really hadn’t envisioned her Christmas ending like this.

It was certainly not the best way to wrap up a holiday.

“I love him so much.” She could barely get the words out it hurt so bad.

“And he loves you.” Emo squeezed her tightly. “Of that I am certain.”


	12. Sick Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan was pretty sure he was dying and all he wanted was his girlfriend by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ethan/Leanne friendship and mentions to a Ethan/Leanne past relationship.  
> **Also, my first inclusion of Ariel is in this chapter. I don't really know why it took me so long to include her.

Ethan had thought that Christmas with Rox had gone without a hitch.

He had greatly enjoyed decorating the tree with her.

And then they had laid snuggled on the couch together, their limbs entwined.

He had especially enjoyed spending the rest of Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day making love to her and showering her with kisses.

She was truly the most amazing woman he had ever met.

And he loved her more than he ever thought possible.

They had also had a great evening with Emo and his dad, opening gifts and laughing and sharing stories.

He had never wanted the night to end.

But it had too. And they had kissed ‘goodbye’ softly before she left with Emo in tow.

He really didn’t want to spend the night alone, but he had to be at work nice and early the following morning and he knew that he would be helpless to keep his hands to himself if she were with him.

So he had reluctantly let her go.

\-- 

He had worked a fourteen hour shift the next day, and when he got home he had been beyond exhausted.

His head was pounding and his back was sore and he was pretty certain that he was getting sick.

All he wanted was to curl up in bed with Rox and sleep.

But she had never responded to his text about coming over.

So he had fallen into a fitful sleep all alone that night.

And he had woken up in even worse shape the next morning.

His head was still pounding and his back was still sore and he knew for a fact that he had a fever.

He had texted Campbell without a second thought and told the man that he wouldn’t be in today.

And then he had rolled over and gone back to sleep for another six hours. 

When he woke up around noon he wanted one thing and one thing.

His girlfriend.

So he had shot her another text, praying that she would answer this time.

_Wish you were here._ He had included a crying faced emoji before sending his message and he had closed his eyes shut tight as a wave of complete discomfort came over his body.

He hated being sick more than he hated anything else in the world.

And he really, really just wanted Rox by his side.

He must have dozed off because the next time he woke up it was almost 5:00pm and the sun was starting to set.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever slept the entire day away.

Probably never.

He reached for his phone, hoping that Rox had replied to his message from earlier. But there was nothing.

No missed calls.

No text messages.

Nothing.

Instead there was a message from Leanne asking him if he needed anything.

And another from Ariel asking him the same thing.

And Noa had texted him to let him know that she would cover his shift tomorrow too.

He had quickly replied to all three women before pushing himself out of bed with a huff.

He knew he needed a shower. And he knew he needed to eat something.

He just didn’t know if he had the energy for either one.

He decided that a shower was his best option, knowing that the warm water would help calm his nerves a little and hopefully help make him feel slightly more human.

In reality, he just wanted to wash off the sick feeling that had overtaken his body.

But when he had emerged from the shower a good twenty minutes later he didn’t feel any better.

Instead, his legs were shaky and his pulse was racing and he felt like he was going to throw up.

_I’m pretty sure I’m dying_. He sent the text to Leanne before falling face first into the bed.

He hadn’t even bothered to put pants or a shirt on, just his boxers, and he knew he would regret it later.

But right now his whole body was on fire and everything hurt.

_I’m pretty sure you’re not_. He rolled his eyes at the woman’s reply.

_Everything hurts_. He closed his eyes as a wave of nausea came over him. 

He really, really hated being sick.

_Do you have a fever?_ He probably should have given her more details than he had.

She was a doctor after all, just like him. She would have been able to diagnose him with a simple look he was sure.

_102.2._ He couldn’t remember the last time he had a fever so high.

_The flu’s been going around, that’s probably what it is_. He really hoped it wasn’t that.

But at this point, he was fairly certain it was exactly that.

_Fuck_. He let out a huff. 

It would be just his luck to get the flu right now. Although, in hindsight, he was just glad it had waited until after Christmas to get him.

_Where’s Rox?_ He let out another huff.

_I wish I knew_. He hit send and rolled over onto his side.

He heard the front door open and close downstairs and he prayed that it was the woman in question.

_She’s not with you?_ He knew that Leanne was very well aware of their relationship. And that she was very well aware of the fact that Rox spent more nights than not at his place.

_I’ve tried texting her but there’s been no answer_. He never heard the visitor climb the stairs so he guessed that it was just his dad.

_I’ll call her._ That could end badly.

_It’s fine Lea._ He had tried to get in touch with her and he had failed. 

He doubted she would have any such luck either.

_I’d come over but I have to be at work soon. Want me drop off Ariel?_ He glanced at the clock on the nightstand that read 6:45pm.

As much as he’d love having the teen there, it wasn’t her job to take care of him.

It honestly wasn’t Leanne’s either.

_I don’t want her to get sick_. And he didn’t. The teen was a pill when she wasn’t feeling well, much like he was, and he didn’t want to do that to her, or her mother.

_I’m gonna try Rox then._ He let out a sigh as he pulled the blankets over his shoulders a little more. You shouldn’t be alone.

_I’m okay. I’m just gonna sleep it off_. In reality, he wasn’t okay. 

And he really didn’t wanna be alone.

_I’m still calling her. Get some rest. I’ll stop by in the morning and check on you._ He let out a sneeze that sent his whole body into a spasm.

Dammit, he hated being sick.

_Okay. Thanks_. He closed his eyes as his head fell back against the pillow and he was asleep before he knew it.

—

The next time he woke up the clock read 3:48am and his head was pounding even worse than before. Everything hurt, even his toes, and he let out a whimper as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

He let his eyes search the room, praying that Rox had let herself in at some point, but the bed was empty beside him and the room was dark.

He reached for his phone in hopes that she had contacted him.

Maybe she was working, pulling extra time since he was out.

Maybe she was sick too, it certainly wouldn’t surprise him with as much time as they spent together.

But there were no texts from her and no missed calls.

Only a text from Ariel telling him that she hoped he felt better.

And that was it.

He felt his heart sink in his chest.

He was fairly certain that Leanne had kept up her end of the bargain. That she had contacted Rox, or at least tried.

He didn’t understand why she wouldn’t then make contact with him.

She had to know that he needed her.

_I really hope you’re okay_. He sent the text without another thought.

He doubted she would answer him at almost four in the morning.

But it was worth a shot.

He plopped back down in the bed then and fell asleep almost as soon as he closed his eyes.

The only thing on his mind being Rox and how badly he needed her.

—

When he woke up the following morning it was to the feeling of a cold hand against his forehead and he felt a shiver run through his body at the contrast against his hot skin.

“Rox?” He didn’t bother opening his eyes. He knew it would hurt too much if he did.

“Just me Ethan.” But it wasn’t Rox’s voice that filled the otherwise quiet space. It was Leanne’s. And he felt his heart break a little.

“Time is it?” He mumbled out.

“A little after 8:00am.” She whispered.

She must have known that any loud noise would hurt his head.

“Rox?” He really just wanted to know where his girlfriend was.

He missed her so much that it hurt.

“I tried calling her.” She brushed some hair back from his forehead and he let out a huff. “Four times, no answer.”

“She must be mad at me.” He felt like he was going to cry.

He just wanted her here with him to help comfort him.

He needed her hugs and kisses more than anything else right now.

“Campbell said she called out yesterday.” He cracked an eye at her and she just offered him a soft smile. “She’s probably sick too Ethan.”

“Why won’t she answer my texts?” He sobbed out.

He felt like a giant baby, but he didn’t understand why she was doing this.

If she was sick she should be with him. They should be together, in sickness and in health. That’s what this was wasn’t it?

“I’m sure she’s just resting Ethan.” Her voice was soft as she settled a hand on his cheek.

She hadn’t touched him that gently in months.

It made his heart flutter slightly.

As much as he loved Rox now, he had loved Leanne almost as much back then.

“What did I do wrong?” He felt miserable and he was driving himself crazy worrying over her.

He just wanted her in his arms.

“I don’t know Ethan.” She whispered.

He closed his eyes once more and let his body sink into the mattress even more.

“So tired.” He choked out.

He couldn’t remember a time when he had ever been so exhausted.

“Try and sleep.” She let her hand move back to his forehead where she pushed his hair back once again. “I’ll stay for a bit.”

He simply nodded his head at her statement.

He was so tired that he couldn’t speak.

He was asleep before Leanne could even make it out the bedroom door.

 

—

He awoke a few hours later to a quiet house and a still empty bed.

He let out a huff as he slowly made his way to the bathroom.

The clock told him it was a little after one in the afternoon and he was sure that Leanne had probably already left to go get Ariel from school.

He knew that he needed to venture downstairs and get something to eat and drink.

But he didn’t know if he had it in him.

Instead, he plopped back down onto the bed and reached for his phone once more.

_Rox? Are you okay love?_ He really wanted to give her a call, but his throat hurt so bad that he didn’t know if he would be able to talk.

He waited for a response, but it didn’t come.

He let out a sigh as he pushed himself out of the bed and toward the bathroom, his bladder no longer able to handle it.

After relieving himself and washing his hands, he splashed some water on his face and let out a huff.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had ever felt so miserable.

He heard his phone buzz on the nightstand and he rushed toward it, probably much quicker than he should have, and he felt his body protest his sudden movements.

_How you feeling?_ Stared back at him, but it wasn’t from the person he wanted to hear from.

_I’m okay kid_. He was thankful that he had Ariel in his life. And he loved that girl like she was his own, despite everything that had happened between him and Leanne. _How was school?_

_Fine._ He knew she hated school, even though she loved learning. He often wondered if there was something else going on in her world that she didn’t talk to him or Leanne about.

_How’d your history test go?_ He was surprised that he remembered that little tidbit of information.

_Good. I’m pretty sure I passed._ He couldn’t help but smile at her response. She was a smart cookie, even though she did her best to act like she didn’t give a damn about school.

_I’m sure you did._ He felt a chill come over him and he let out a sigh as he contemplated whether or not he wanted to try and tackle the stairs.

His stomach growling clued him in to the fact that he should probably at least try.

He kept his phone in his hand as he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and toward the stairs. He figured that if something were to happen to him it was best to have his phone close by. At least then he could call for some help.

It took him almost five minutes to make it the kitchen, but when he did, he grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and downed it before he let his eyes scan the downstairs.

The house was silent, indicating that his dad must have finally left.

He let out a sigh as he let the feeling of complete loneliness sink in.

He missed Rox more than he thought possible.

And his heart hurt in ways he didn’t know were possible.

He just wanted her there with him, in his bed, all snuggled up next to him.

He wanted her there to take care of him.

Because as much as he appreciated Leanne’s help, she wasn’t the one he wanted to snuggle with.

Not now, not when he was pretty sure he was dying from whatever was plaguing his body.

He pulled his phone out and checked it, huffing when there was still no sign of any kind from his girlfriend.

_Rox. Please answer me. At least let me know that you’re okay_. He sent the text and closed his eyes against the wave of nausea that overtook him.

Maybe he shouldn’t have left the bed.

He slowly started toward the couch and collapsed back against the cushions just as his phone buzzed in his hands.

He couldn’t help the small smile that came over his face when he saw Rox’s name flash across the screen.

_Busy._ Was all that stared back at him and he felt like crying.

He knew she was lying.

He knew she wasn’t really busy.

Something was going on. Something deeper and much more personal.

And it was breaking his heart that she was shutting him out instead of confiding in him.

Letting out another sigh he let his eyes fall closed as he leaned back against the pillow.

He was asleep before his phone screen had darkened all the way.


	13. We’re Not Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox didn’t understand why everyone seemed so concerned with her relationship with Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Nothing to report here other than Rox being a difficult little bean and Emo being an epic hero.

Rox was frustrated.

No, scratch that, she was angry.

Really, really angry.

And she wasn’t entirely sure why, but it was all Ethan’s fault.

And she wasn’t afraid to take it out on him.

She had gotten word that he was sick from Leanne.

And then Jesse had asked her how he was doing.

And then Campbell had made a comment about how he thought it was odd that she was still working while Ethan was at home with the flu.

She had rolled her eyes at each and every one of them.

But none of them thought she was funny.

They didn’t seem to understand why she was keeping her distance.

Why she wasn’t glued to Ethan’s side while he was sick.

Sure, not getting the flu was a perk, but she had her reasons and she was sticking to them.

He was getting close. Too close. And she was slowly losing her mind knowing that he was so in love with her.

It scared her.

Terrified her even.

And she didn’t know how else to make him see that he needed to slow down.

So instead she had pushed him away and stopped taking his calls and answering his texts.

She knew it was hurting him.

But it was honestly for the best.

For both of them.

“Why are you doing this?” Ethan’s soft voice broke through her thoughts and she snapped her head up from the book she had been reading.

She had been hiding out at Emo’s for the past few days.

Ever since her Christmas Day confession, and subsequent break down, she hadn’t wanted to be alone.

She had wanted to be with Ethan, but she needed space.

She needed to get out from under him before one, or both of them, got hurt.

And she knew that it would be because of her.

It always was. 

“Doing what?” She tried to pretend like she wasn’t phased by his appearance, but that was a lie.

He was exhausted looking. Dark circles under his eyes, the scruff on his face much thicker than normal, his hair unruly.

She could tell that he still felt miserable. 

She didn’t understand why he was wasting his time worrying with her if that was the case.

“Pushing me away like this. I don’t understand.” He sounded so hurt and so tired and part of her heart was breaking for him. “Things were going fine. We had such a nice Christmas together and now it’s like you won’t even look at me.”

“I’m not getting into this with you Ethan.” But the other part of her heart was so guarded and scared that she didn’t know what to think.

She didn’t know what to do or what to say to make him realize that this had to stop.

She couldn’t do this anymore.

She didn’t want to hurt him.

And she knew that the longer they stayed together, the worse it would be when he found out the truth about her.

“Roxane please... if I did something wrong tell me.” He had his hands in the pockets of his jogging pants and he looked so damn child like that it was killing her. “I want to make this better. What happened?”

“Nothing happened.” She said softly, her eyes returning back to her book as she tried to distract herself from how adorable he looked. Despite looking like death warmed over at the same time.

“Then why are we fighting?” He asked softly.

“We’re not fighting.” Truth was, she wasn’t sure what was happening between them.

“Yes we are!” He yelled. She heard his voice crack and when she snapped her eyes up she could tell that he had over done it. He had tears in his eyes and he had reached a hand up to his neck. “I was sick and you ignored me. I needed you and you ignored me. And now you’ll barely talk to me. What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.” She took a deep breath.

This was exactly what she didn’t want to happen.

“Bullshit! Rox please...” He was begging her and to be honest she wouldn’t be surprised if he dropped to his knees and pleaded with her.

She could tell that he desperately wanted to make things right.

Not that anything was specifically wrong.

“Ethan. I’m tired and I’m not in the mood.” She closed her book and then closed her eyes. Her head was pounding just thinking about how poorly this conversation had gone. “Just drop it.”

“No!” He screamed once again and she could hear the roughness of his voice.

He really shouldn’t be yelling like that given the way he had been feeling the past few days.

“Why the hell not?” She didn’t understand why he wouldn’t just drop it. Why he wouldn’t just get back in his car and drive home and leave her alone? “Please Ethan. Just leave it be.”

“I wanna know what I did wrong so I can fix it.” His eyes looked so incredibly sad and it was breaking her.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She whispered.

“Then why are you being like this?” His voice was barely a whisper as well and she could see the fight leaving his body. “Why won’t you answer my calls or texts?”

“I’ve been busy Ethan.” Truth was, she had only made herself busy in order to avoid him.

She hadn’t needed to work as much as she had been.

She was just looking for excuses.

“So busy that you couldn’t check on your sick boyfriend?” He sounded so hurt and it destroyed her.

She didn’t realize that he wanted her there so badly.

“I hear you were just fine. Leanne was there.” She knew that Leanne had been with him, and Ariel, and she was sure that his ‘family’ had taken care of him just fine. “I’m sure she took care of you just fine.”

“Is that what this is about? You’re mad because Leanne was there?” He was angry, really angry, and she could see it in his eyes as he moved toward her.

She was trying not to get emotional.

She was trying not to get scared.

But his yelling was making her nervous.

Normally yelling meant hitting, and she wasn’t prepared to take that kind of beating right now.

“That’s bullshit and you know it Rox. Leanne came over because she was worried about me. So was Ariel. That’s more than I can say about you.” He let his shoulders slump as he spoke and she could see his eyes getting weary. “I needed help. I couldn’t even get out of bed at one point. I’m glad they were there for me. I would have much rather have had you with me but you obviously had better things to do.”

“I’m not arguing with you Ethan.” And with that she stood up and pushed her away around him.

She let the door slam shut behind her and she flipped the lock without another thought.

“Roxane!” He banged his fist against the door outside and she jumped slightly at the sound. “Roxane!”

She felt the tears start to fall but she didn’t dare turn around and open the door.

She didn’t dare let him see her fall apart.

—

Rox had retreated upstairs and fallen into bed as soon as she was certain that Ethan had left.

She heard her phone buzz from its spot on the night stand and she hesitated to check it.

She was sure it was Ethan.

She was sure he was going to lay into her.

She was probably going to get quite the lashing if she ever let him back in.

Instead, the words that stared back at her made her heart break in two and she let out a sob before tossing the phone across the room and burying her head in the pillow.

I’m sorry I yelled at you baby. I know I scared you and I didn’t mean too. I’m just worried about you. I’m worried about us. I just want us to be okay. I miss you so much it hurts and it’s killing me not having you around. I love you. So very very much. Please don’t walk away from this. Please don’t break my heart. I need you. She replayed the words over and over in her mind until she finally fell into a fitful sleep, her eyes red and raw from crying, her cheeks tear-stained and sore.

—

When she awoke a few hours later it was dark outside and she let out a sigh as she checked the clock on the nightstand.

8:49pm stared back at her and she shook her head to clear her thoughts.

She had been asleep for almost five hours.

She must have really been exhausted.

Pushing herself out of the bed she made her way to the bathroom and showered and pulled her pajamas on quietly before making her way downstairs.

Emo was sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of tea in front of her as she flipped through a magazine.

“You never told me that Ethan was sick.” The words left her mouth before Rox had even made it all the way into the room.

She let out a huff.

She should have known he would have run to Emo for help.

“He’s fine.” She said softly.

She knew that wasn’t true.

He looked like death warmed over.

But she didn’t want Emo to know the severity of the situation, so she refrained from going into detail.

“He had the flu Roxane.” But apparently Ethan had been plenty open with her about what was going on in his world. “Why weren’t you there with him? He clearly needed you.”

“You know why.” She had cried her eyes out to Emo every night since that Christmas Day talk.

She knew damn well why she was avoiding the man.

“We’re back on this again?” Emo let out a sigh as she lifted her head, her eyes scanning over her face as she closed her magazine. “You’re pushing him away again over something stupid. I can’t believe you Rox.”

“I can’t believe he ratted me out to my aunt like some kind of child.” She knew that it was petty to be mad at him for such a thing.

“He’s concerned.” She knew that. She knew damn well that he was more worried about her than he was about their relationship. But she still had a hard time believing that. “He doesn’t understand what’s gotten into you and neither do I.”

“He deserves better Emo.” She whispered. “We’ve been over this.”

“So you just ignored him for four days while he was seriously ill?” Emo made it sound like a much worse situation than it really was and she was having a hard time holding on. “What if something had happened to him Rox? You and I both know that the flu is no joke.”

“He was fine. He had Leanne there.” She honestly had no right to be so jealous of the woman. She knew that they weren’t together, that they hadn’t been together in quite a while in fact, and yet, she couldn’t help herself. “That was what he wanted and that’s what he got. End of story.”

“So you’re jealous? That’s what this is about?” Emo raised an eyebrow at her and she knew that she was being stupid.

“I am not jealous! And that’s not what this is about!” At least, it wasn’t entirely what this was about. “He deserves better than me and I know that whatever it is that we have won’t last. He belongs with someone like Leanne. End of story.”

“But he doesn’t want Leanne, he wants you.” She still had a hard time believing that.

She would never be able to compete with Leanne. Ever.

The woman was everything that she would never be.

“No, he will always want Leanne.” She knew that he would always love the woman. She wasn’t stupid. “She’s his best-friend, the mother of his child. He’s always going to want her. And I will never be good enough. I can’t compete with that.”

“Roxane Grace stop this mess right now! Ethan loves you. More than anything in this world. And you know that.” Emo’s use of her full name made her jump slightly. She only did that when she was in serious trouble. “Leanne might be his best-friend and she might be the mother of his child, but you are his girlfriend and he loves you. He wants you and only you.”

“Emo please...” She just wanted this conversation to end.

She wanted to go back upstairs and go back to bed and forget this day ever happened.

“No Roxane! I will not sit by and watch you destroy this relationship over a fear that makes no sense.” Her fears made perfect sense though. Didn’t they? “Ethan has said over and over again that he wants to be with you. He tells you constantly how much he loves you. Look at everything that he’s done for you, he spoils you rotten. He doesn’t deserve to have you treating him like this.”

“I...” She didn’t even know what to say to that.

It was true. All of it.

Ethan told her constantly that he loved her.

He told her everyday how important she was to him.

And he did spoil her. Absolutely rotten.

And yet, here she was, abandoning him for no good reason at all. 

“I know that you’re scared of the future Rox. I know that everything that happened in your past has left countless scars, both real and imaginary. But you can’t let that keep you from being happy.” She couldn’t help it as her eyes filled with tears and she watched as Emo stood from her spot at the table and made her way toward her. “You deserve the love that Ethan has to give you honey. I wish you would see that.”

“It’s not fair to him Emo. He deserves better.” She choked out. “He doesn’t deserve to deal with my issues. No one does.”

“But he wants your issues Rox. He wants to help you through them, more than he wants anything else in this world. He loves you and nothing is going to change that.” She felt her whole body shake as a sob took over. “But if you keep pushing him away he’s going to get tired of it and he’s going to leave. And as much as you may say that it doesn’t hurt, I know it does. And I know that you don’t want that. I know that you don’t want to lose him.”

“I’m afraid that I already have.” She knew that it would take a lot to come back from what had happened earlier.

She knew that it wouldn’t be easy to get him back.

“Nonsense. You need to talk to him though. You need to let him know just why you’re so scared.” She couldn’t tell him the truth. She just couldn’t. “He needs to know that you want to try and work through this. He needs to know you don’t want to lose him.”

“He was so mad. I doubt he’ll talk to me.” She knew that he would talk to her, he always did.

He wasn’t one to run away from his issues with her.

Not like she was.

“He will honey. I promise. Go see him. Spend New Years with him.” She had completely forgotten that tomorrow was New Years Eve. The whole week had been such a shit-storm that she had lost complete track of time. “Talk, cuddle, do whatever else it is that you crazy kids do together. But don’t let him slip away. Not when you both have so much left to give in this relationship.”

“Thank you Emo. For everything.” She offered the woman a smile before she pulled her into her arms, hugging her tightly.

“You’re welcome love.” Emo pressed a gentle kiss to her head before pushing her away from her. “Now go!”

She let out a soft chuckle as she nodded her head and then she was heading upstairs to grab her bag faster than she could process.

She just wanted to be with him now.

She just wanted to make things right.

She just hoped that they could get there without having too big of a fight about it all first.


	14. Still Mad?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan didn’t exactly understand why Rox was so mad at him, but he just wanted to make it all better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne.  
> **I have fudged with the canon aspect of Ethan and Leanne’s relationship, so it’ll probably start to come up as such in future chapters. Just a heads up.  
> ***Also, I gave birth to my daughter last Thursday so I’ve been recovery these past few days, which is why my updating has been sparatic. As of now, I am staying home with her until the end of January (maybe longer) so I’m hoping to be able to continue to update a couple of times a week :)

Ethan had been beyond shocked when Rox had shown up at his place at a little after 9:00pm the night before.

He honestly hadn’t expected her to come around again for quite some time.

Not after the way she had acted earlier.

Not after the way she had blown him off.

And certainly not after the way he had yelled at her.

He had never meant to get so aggressive, especially since he knew how much it scared her.

He knew all about her abusive past.

He should never have stooped so low as to scream at her.

But he had. And she had looked so scared and broken and he had just wanted to take her in his arms and make it all better.

She hadn’t let him though. Not in that moment. And he had felt his heart break in two when she had slammed the door in his face.

But then she had shown up on his front porch a few hours later, her eyes full of tears, her hair a mess as she stood there in her pajamas silently begging him to let her in.

He hadn’t been able to tell her ‘no’ and in typical fashion for them both they had wound up naked on the couch within a matter of minutes.

He had done his best to convince her that having sex probably wasn’t in her best interest.

That she could very easily wind up with the flu just like him.

But then she had had her hands in his hair and her tongue was running along his lips and he had been helpless to stop her.

So instead they had had sex right there on the couch. Twice. Before he had dragged his exhausted body, and hers, up the stairs and into the shower.

They had collapsed into bed a few minutes later, him in nothing but his pajama bottoms, her in nothing but his t-shirt, and they were both asleep before he had even gotten a chance to tell her ‘goodnight’.

—

When Ethan awoke a few hours later Rox was snuggled up next to him, her head buried in the crook of his neck, her arm draped lazily over his chest.

He could tell she was awake because her fingers were tracing lightly over the raised letters of his dog-tags. 

He knew she was anxious. Her fidgeting with the metal objects resting on his bare chest was her tell.

He dropped a kiss to her head as he tugged her closer to his side.

"You still mad at me?" He whispered his question into the darkness of the room and he hoped that he didn’t upset her.

"No." She whispered back.

He was glad to hear that.

He had missed her so much the past few days.

"You still jealous?" He was curious to see what her response to that question would be.

"I wasn't jealous." She said softly.

"I talked to Emo, Rox. I know exactly what happened.” Emo had spared him no details when she had told him what was going on with Rox earlier that night. He knew exactly what was plaguing her mind. Even if she didn’t. “You were jealous of Leanne being there to help me."

"I wasn't jealous." She repeated.

"Roxane..." He knew that she was trying to avoid confrontation, and that was fine. But he couldn’t stand that she was lying to him.

"Look, I'm never gonna be able to compete with Leanne.” Her words made his heart hurt. “I know that. I don't know why I try."

"Rox... it's not like that and you know that." And it wasn’t like that. And it had never been like that.

Sure he still cared about Leanne. He would always care about her.

She was his best-friend. She was the mother of his “child”. She was someone that he had spent 2.5 years of his life with.

But they weren’t together. Not anymore. And they hadn’t been for some time now.

And he didn’t understand why it was such an issue for Rox that they were still friendly.

"You and Leanne..." She dragged out.

"Are friends Rox. That's it.” He dropped another kiss to her head as he did his best to reassure her that her concerns were over nothing. “Yes, we have a history together. Yes, we care about each other. But we're not together and we're never going to be together again."

"You still love her. I'm not stupid." He let out a huff.

"She's my best friend Rox, of course I still love her.” Leanne had once been his entire world, but she wasn’t anymore, and he wished that Rox could see that. He wished that she could see that he didn’t love her like that, not anymore. That she was the only one for him from here on out. “But you have to understand, we've been through a lot together. She was there for me during my darkest hours. I can't take that back and I wouldn't dare want too. But we're just friends."

"She's the mother of your child." Rox’s words made him sigh. He didn’t understand what her being Ariel’s mother had to do with anything.

"She's Ariel's mother, yes, but that doesn't mean anything.” It didn’t change the way he saw their relationship. They were still friends and co-workers and they were doing their damnedest to co-parent their child in a way that made sense for them all. “We're not together Rox. You and I, however, are. And that's all that should matter to you right now."

"I just... it's..." He pulled away from her slightly then, offering her a soft look as he spoke.

"Weird? I get that. I respect that. But please don't let this get into your head. It's nothing okay. Nothing.” Having Leanne around wasn’t going to change. He was stuck with her being a part of his life, at least until Ariel was grown, but even then he knew he wouldn’t be able to get rid of her that easily. And they worked together, quite well he might add. And her and Rox were friends too. It didn’t make sense for him to just cut her off. “I was sick, I needed someone to help me and she was there. She would have done the same for you. It doesn't mean she's gonna run off with you and steal you away."

"I don't know... I..." She was going to that place in her head and it killed him.

He just wanted her to open up to him. To talk to him about things.

They could get through this. He just knew it.

"Rox look at me.” He gripped her chin softly in his hands as he locked his eyes with hers. “I love you. And only you. For the rest of my life. And one day you're gonna have to come to terms with that."

"I can't be that woman.” She whispered. “I can't be what you need Ethan."

"Yes you can Rox. You already are. You're perfect to me in all the ways that matter.” And that was the goddamn truth if there ever was one. “Do you hear me? I love you and that is never going to change."

"You don't know what's been done to me. The things I've been through.” She sobbed out. “You'll run away and hide when you find out. When you... you'll hate me for who I am."

"I could never hate you. And I could only love you more for anything that's plagued you.” He knew there was a darkness in her past, something that haunted her day in and day out. It killed him to know that she had been through so much. “You hear me? You're mine and I'm yours and that's how it's gonna be from here on out. Do you understand?"

"I don't wanna lose you.” She was full on sobbing at this point, her eyes full of tears as she kept her fingers wrapped tightly around the metal tags around his neck. “I don't want you to be disappointed in me."

"Never.” She could never disappoint him. Ever. And he couldn’t imagine a life without her in it. “I love you Rox. End of story."

"I love you too." She whispered back.

He watched as she closed her eyes against the tears, her fingers settling against his chest as she tucked herself back into his arms.

He wrapped her up as tightly as he possibly could and he dropped kiss after kiss against her head.

He would never get over how good it felt to have her in his arms.

And he would never get over how lucky he was to have her in his life.

He loved her, more than he ever loved anyone or anything else before.

And he was hellbent and determined to make her realize just how special she really was to him.


	15. I’ll Be Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox didn’t know how much truth there was to Ethan’s talk about all this marriage stuff, but she was determined to find out.

Rox still hadn’t gotten over how incredibly forgiving Ethan had been toward her after their fight.

She expected him to yell. To kick her out. To tell her he didn’t love her anymore.

But instead, he had taken her in with open arms and had spent the evening showering her with kisses.

And they had made love, multiple times, despite his warning that she would likely get sick too.

But she didn’t care. She just wanted to be back in his arms once again.

She had missed him more than she had thought possible.

And they had talked. Like, really talked. Something she was still getting used to doing with him.

She was used to being able to run from her problems.

Especially when they involved men.

But not with Ethan. Nope. He wouldn’t let her get away with shutting down.

She both loved him and hated him for it.

After their talk about her feelings toward Leanne and the whole situation Ethan had wrapped her up in his arms and snuggled her close and refused to let go.

And she had been perfectly okay with that.

They had spent most of that morning in bed together, forgoing clothing in favor of instant access to each other, and she had had to swat his hands away around noon when her stomach demanded sustenance after all of their love making.

Ethan had laughed at her, but then his stomach had joined in, and he had been helpless to say ‘no’.

Instead he had dragged her toward the shower before getting dressed and ordering them an unhealthy amount of Chinese food.

And then he had tucked her against his side on the couch, a James Bond movie marathon playing in the background while they ate, and he hadn’t let her out of his sight since.

“All that stuff you said the other night…” She didn’t know what possessed her to bring the topic up now.

Surely he had forgotten all about it.

Surely he had figured they were moved on from the issue and it was long gone.

“What stuff?” His voice was groggy and she could tell that he was starting to fade.

He had put on a good front for her yesterday and this morning, but she knew that he still didn’t feel 100%.

She felt bad for taking advantage of him the way that she did.

Not that he seemed to mind.

“That stuff about marriage and me being your wife,” She shifted her gaze from the TV up toward him, hoping to catch his eyes in the soft light of the living room, “did you mean it?” 

“Of course I meant it.” He whispered back.

He locked his eyes with hers and she swallowed at the passion that she saw in them.

She should have known that he meant it.

She knew that he loved her. She knew that she meant a lot to him.

She never should have questioned just how much.

“I like the way that it sounds Ethan. I really do.” She couldn’t help but choke back a small sob at the thought. “I’ve just…”

“I get it Rox. It was silly of me to bring it up.” He let his eyes shift back toward the TV, but she could tell that he wasn’t really focused on what he was watching. “I told you my head was in a weird place.”

“It’s not that. It’s just… this is all so new to me.” And it was. Entirely new to her. She had never spent more than a few nights with a man, ever. And she had never been loved and cherished by one either. Not like she was with Ethan. “Even after three months, it’s still odd to me that someone actually loves and cares about me so much. The fact that you would even contemplate marrying me some day is hard to come to terms with.”

“It’s okay love. I don’t mind.” He dropped a kiss to her forehead as he spoke. “I get it. Consider it forgotten.”

She could tell that she had hit a nerve with bringing the topic up again.

She should have just kept her damn mouth shut.

“I don’t want to forget it Ethan.” And she didn’t want to forget it. She wanted to think about it and talk about it. She just didn’t want to feel pressured to have to say ‘yes’ if he were thinking of asking her any time soon. “I just… I need more time before I’m able to take that kind of step.”

“I know. I’m sorry I brought it up.” He let out a sigh as he sank back against the couch cushions, his legs stretching out onto the table in front of them.

She could tell that she was losing him.

That he was both losing interest in the conversation and in her.

“Don’t be.” She whispered.

She didn’t want him to push her away, but she knew how he was.

He wanted to stop thinking about it and that was fine.

She just hoped that he didn’t stop thinking about it for too long.

—

Later that night, after they had settled in bed and rang in the New Year by making love, once again, the idea of being Ethan’s wife had plagued her mind once more.

She had tried to rid herself of the thoughts.

Tried to push them away and forget about them completely.

She had done her very best to clear her head of the idea.

But she was failing.

So instead she had tossed and turned, right out of his arms and on to the other side of the bed.

And when he woke up and realized that she wasn’t next to him, he had reached for her.

“Rox…” His voice was so soft and sleepy and it did things to her body that it shouldn’t be doing.

“Sorry.” She whispered into the darkness. “I can’t sleep.”

He dragged himself across the bed slowly, his hands reaching out for her as his eyes stayed closed.

“You okay?” He tugged her into his arms once he had her close and he nuzzled his face against her neck with a gentle kiss.

“I’ll be ready someday,” She had no idea where those words came from, “you know that right?”

“Ready for what?” He whispered, his fingers dancing softly over the bare skin of her stomach.

“To be your wife.” There, she had said it. The words that had been plaguing her mind for over a week now.

“I hope so.” He pressed his lips against her shoulder softly before nuzzling his nose against her bare skin.

“I will.” She hoped he understood what she was saying. She hoped that he understood that she was trying to make this work. That she wanted to make this work. “I don’t know when that day will be but I promise you’ll be the first to know.”

“Good.” She could tell that he was barely awake and she hoped that this conversation wouldn’t be forgotten once morning rolled around.

“You promise we’re gonna make it?” She whispered her question into the still air of the room and she felt him tighten his grip on her hip.

“I wouldn’t be here, trying so damn hard to keep you, if I didn’t know this was the real deal.” He had pulled back from her some, his eyes opening to reveal soft gray orbs that were full of love.

“I don’t know how to do this.” And she didn’t, still, after three months. She had no clue what she was doing or if she was doing it right.

“I know love.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek as he reached up and cupped her neck softly, turning her eyes toward him.

“I’m scared I’m going to lose you.” She choked out.

She felt a sob leave her lips and she turned her head away from him to avoid his eyes.

She hated letting him see her cry.

Even after all this time she still expected him to lose his cool with her every time she did it.

“You’re never going to lose me. You hear me? Never.” But he was having none of it and he turned her face back toward him. “I am yours and you are mine and that is that.”

“What if I’m never ready?” She hoped she would be, one day, but she honestly didn’t know if she would ever reach that point.

“Than you’re never ready.” He whispered, his eyes soft and loving, despite the fact that she knew that this was breaking his heart.

“I want to be. Someday.” She really, really did want to be ready too.

She loved the idea of being his wife.

“I know.” He let his fingers tangle in her hair as he kissed her nose.

“It scares me.” She wasn’t sure why she all of a sudden felt the need to just pour her heart out to him like this.

Especially at two in the morning.

Especially after everything they had been through the past few days.

“What? Marriage?” He raised an eyebrow at her and she knew that she was being stupid.

“Yes.” He let out a soft chuckle, his nose nudging against hers softly.

“Don’t be scared by it Rox. It doesn’t have to happen.” He pressed his lips against hers softly, his fingers dragging through her loose curls as he tugged her close.

“But you want it too.” And that was what mattered most to her.

“Yes. I want it to happen. I want a home with you, a place that’s just ours. I want a house full of kids and a yard full of dogs and I want to grow old with you by my side.” Her heart skipped a beat at his words. She couldn’t give him those things, none of those things, and it terrified her. She felt her heart breaking at the simple thought. “But I also want the Dodgers to win a World Series and the Beatles to go on tour and a cure for cancer. I want a lot of things Rox, doesn’t mean I’ll get them all.”

“What if I can’t give you those things?” She whispered her question and she prayed that he didn’t ask her to go into details. Not right now. Not after everything. She couldn’t bare the thought of how badly it would hurt him knowing that he would never have those things happen. “What I can’t give you what you want?”

“Having you in my arms is all that matters.” He didn’t seem to mind though, at least not judging by the soft look in his eyes as he pressed his forehead against hers.

“Ethan…” She hated disappointing him.

“I mean it Roxane. I love you. That’s never going to change. With or without the nice house and the half dozen kids and more puppies than we can count.” He pressed a soft kiss to her lips, his legs tangling with hers as he rolled her over and onto her back, his body hovering over her as he spoke. “I will always love you. The other things, they’re just bonuses. You hear me? If they happen, they happen.”

“And if not?” She didn’t want to know what would happen if she had to deny him those dreams. The half dozen kids, the yard full of puppies, being his wife. She hated knowing that those things may never happen for him.

“Than you and I will grow old together just the two of us.” She may have liked the idea of a bunch of kids and a small army of dogs, but she loved the idea of growing old with just him even more. “We’ll run away to some little cabin in the mountains and we’ll retire. We’ll spend our days fishing and you can grow a garden and I’ll curse at my antique cars. And we’ll spend our nights making love. Even when we’re old and gray.”

“You’re insatiable.” She growled out, her hands settling on his back as he let his fingers dance over her shoulder and down between her breasts.

“Yes I am.” He leaned down and kissed her softly, whispering his words against her lips. “But if you had the hottest girlfriend around you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands to yourself either.”

“Ridiculous.” She nipped at his lip as he let his hand wander further down her body, stopping just above the place where she needed him the most.

“Maybe. But you love me.” He tugged on her lip gently with his teeth, his fingers finally falling down below her curls, dragging over her folds softly.

“More today than I did yesterday.” She let her fingers wander up and into his hair, dragging his lips to hers as he slid a finger inside her.

“And more tomorrow than you do right now?” His eyes were soft and gentle and yet full of a passion she had never seen there before.

She let out a soft sigh as she let her body relax back against the mattress as he started stroking her softly.

She would never get over how gentle and yet perfect he was in bed.

“We’ll see about that.” She whispered with a wink.

He let out a gentle chuckle before crashing his lips back against hers once more.

If this was what being married to Ethan felt like, than she would certainly be ready sooner, rather than later.


	16. Wedding Bells or Wedding Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan sure as hell liked the idea of Rox being his wife. Her name sounded pretty good combined with his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I promise there’s no reason to get too excited, a proposal/wedding is far away for these two (if they even get there right?) but I like the idea of them talking about it.  
> **Also, this is a short one, so I'll try and update again tomorrow or Monday!

It had been a few weeks since Ethan had even dared to bring up the topic of marriage to Rox again.

Even though he knew that she was sort of on board with the idea, she seemed to be so hot and cold with the issue that he never knew what side of her he was going to get.

After they had talked about it New Years Eve he had felt fairly confident that she was heading in the same direction as him on the issue.

That they would one day be taking a trip down the aisle.

Even if it was a few years from now.

They had had three good weeks of peace and quiet. No fights, no blow-ups, no nothing.

They had spent almost every night together since New Years and he had been thrilled.

Then he had surprised her with a mountain getaway for their four month anniversary and she had been over the moon.

That was until they had gotten home from their trip and Leanne had asked if there was anything they needed to share with her.

Ethan had just raised an eyebrow, Rox, on the other hand, had lost it.

Apparently she knew just what Leanne was talking about. A proposal. And she wasn’t too thrilled.

She had stormed away from Center Stage in a huff and it had taken Ethan almost four hours to get her to talk to him.

She had been on edge ever since and Ethan had spent the entire week trying to wrap his head around what was going on with her.

She had been perfectly fine with the concept a month ago, and yet, now, she was infuriated by it.

"Emo asked me again today if we were gonna get married." The words left her mouth before he could wrap his head around the fact that she was even standing next to him.

He let out a sigh as he turned toward her, the patient chart in his hand falling to the desk in front of him.

He really prayed that none of the nurses had heard what she had said.

The rumor mill around this place was already a buzz with excitement. The last thing he needed was to be a part of it.

"And what did you tell her?" He whispered his question as he walked away from the nurses’ station, Rox hot on his heels.

"No." Of course she did.

"Well why'd you go and do that?" He really didn’t understand what the big deal was.

Getting married to him couldn’t possibly be that bad, could it?

"Because we're not getting married Ethan." She huffed out, her long legs doing their best to keep up with him.

He stopped when he got to the parking lot and he let the door slam shut behind them before he continued talking.

"Well, no, not today.” He really didn’t want another fight. He was so tired of fighting. “But someday we are."

"Oh we are, are we?" But apparently she had other plans.

"Yes Rox, we are." He knew that he should just let the topic go. That he should just move on from it.

It was obvious that she didn’t want the same things as him.

It killed him, but he was so over the fighting that he was willing to throw in the towel on this one.

"Were you gonna tell me about this or just wait until the day of the wedding?" She crossed her arms over her chest as she glared at him.

"Oh stop being so dramatic." He was so over her attitude about this whole thing.

"I'm not being dramatic Ethan.” She was definitely being dramatic. Something akin to a toddler throwing a temper tantrum if you asked him. “This isn't something to joke about."

"I'm not joking.” He pointed at her as he spoke, his eyes darkening as he did his best to keep his composure. “Do I look like I'm joking?"

"We're not getting married." He really didn’t want to scream at her, but he also really, really wanted to scream at her.

She was being ridiculous and he hoped she knew it.

"Is that because you don't wanna get married?" He whispered the question as he felt the fight leave his body.

He was so over this.

"Excuse me?" He could tell that she had caught on. That she knew she had pushed him too far.

"Be honest with me Rox.” He let out a sigh as his arms fell to his sides, his hands going to the pockets of his scrubs. “Do you want to get married some day?"

"Like to you? Or in general?" Her questions were soft and he let out another sigh.

This whole conversation was taking years off of his life.

"Either or." He shrugged his shoulders. If she didn’t want to get married at all it certainly wasn’t going to change her mind about marrying him.

"I've never put any thought into it." She was lying to him.

He knew she thought about it.

She had admitted it to him before.

But he also knew that it was one of those issues that she always tried to just skirt around.

"Then how can you say 'no'?" He really wanted to know how she could be so against it.

"Because you don't wanna marry me." She whispered.

"I wanna marry you more than anything in this world." He stepped forward, his hands reaching out for her softly.

He could see that this was breaking her, almost as much as it was breaking him, and he hated that they did this to each other.

"Shut up." She had tears in her eyes and he hated himself for bringing her to this point.

"True story.” He let his hands fall to her hips as he pulled her close. “I wanna marry you and make you my wife and spend the rest of our lives together."

"We don't have to get married to spend the rest of our lives together." Her words were soft and he knew that there was truth to them.

"True... but wouldn't it be more fun if we did?" He could only imagine how amazing it would be to get to call her his wife. 

Almost as amazing as it would be to get to call her the mother of his children.

He prayed that one day he would get to do both.

"Fun? I highly doubt that being married to me would qualify as fun." He rolled his eyes at her statement.

"It would. It would be tons of fun.” He pecked her lips softly, his right hand going to settle against her cheek as he eyed her curiously. “Then I could call you my wife."

"I'm really not that special Ethan." She let her head fall downward, her eyes breaking from his as a shiver ran through her body.

He hated that she still felt that way about herself.

They had been together four and a half months and he hated that she still felt like she wasn’t good enough for him.

"You are to me." He nudged her chin back up, his forehead falling to hers in hopes of keeping her focus on him. "Just imagine how nice it would be to answer to Mrs. Willis?"

"That sounds horrible and incredibly old fashioned.” He rolled his eyes at her statement. He knew that she didn’t mean any harm with it, but still. “Your mother was Mrs. Willis, Ethan, I will not be."

"Hey now." He nipped at her lips this time, his fingers edging their way under her t-shirt as he pulled her closer.

"I'm just saying.” Her eyes were full of a soft humor though and he couldn’t help but laugh. “I don't mean anything bad by it."

"Mrs. Roxanne Grace Willis." He whispered her name, combined with his, and it made his heart burst at the seams.

It sounded even more beautiful when he said it out loud.

"It sounds ridiculous." She whispered.

"It sounds beautiful." He whispered back.

"Are you gonna start writing out our names together in your notebook and drawing hearts around it?" He couldn’t help but chuckle at her question.

He did feel like a schoolboy, crushing on the prettiest girl in class.

Except the girl was his, and he was doing so much more than just crushing on her.

"Maybe." She rolled her eyes at his response and he pressed his lips against her softly.

"You know I'm joking right?" Her question was whispered against his lips after they broke the kiss and he could see the twinkle in her eyes.

"I'm not. I love the way it sounds.” And he did. He loved the way their names sounded together. He couldn’t wait until the day came when he got to hear her introduce herself as that. “Roxane Willis. It's fitting."

"You're crazy." She whispered, her hands finally moving to settle on his chest.

"About you? Yes." He let his fingers move up to tangle in her hair, dragging her lips back to his slowly.

"In general Ethan.” She didn’t let him kiss her though, instead she ducked her head to the side as she spoke. “In general, you're crazy."

"Possibly, but I'm so hopelessly in love with you that I just can't control myself anymore." And that part was so incredibly true.

He was head over heels in love with this beautiful woman.

And he would do whatever he had to to make her see that.

"Shut up Ethan." She let one hand move to his head, her fingers dancing lightly over the hair at the nape of his neck.

He felt a shiver run down his spine at the contact.

She really shouldn’t be doing that here, of all places.

Work was the last place they needed to get busted ‘getting it on’.

His poor father had been privy to enough of that lately.

"Or what?" He nipped at her lips as he tried to pull her closer.

He knew it wasn’t possible, and yet, he couldn’t help himself.

"Or I'm leaving." She huffed.

"What if I kiss you instead?" He knew that she wouldn’t be able to say ‘no’ to that. 

She was always a sucker for his kisses.

Always.

Even when she was furious with him.

"That's a much better alternative." She whispered.

He crashed his lips against hers softly, his fingers tangling in her hair as he wrapped his arm around her waist, pressing his whole body against hers.

He would never, ever, get enough of her.

Not today, not tomorrow, not until the end of time.

And he prayed that she never got enough of him either.


	17. What We Can’t Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox’s heart hurt knowing that she couldn’t give Ethan the one thing he wanted more than anything in this world. She just hoped that he wouldn’t leave her for it once he realized the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning: mentions to loss of pregnancy due to violent acts. You have been warned.

Rox had been so thankful when things had finally calmed down some.

Once Ethan had gotten over the topic of marriage and moved on with his life.

It wasn’t that she was entirely against it. No, she had sort of settled on the idea that it was going to happen eventually.

She knew they both just needed some time.

But he hadn’t brought it up in a few weeks and she was glad.

Things were finally starting to become more normal.

That was until they had been on a call and they had arrived to find a young woman struggling to breathe.

They had tended to her quickly, giving her oxygen and reassuring her that they would get her to the hospital and get her back on her feet in no time.

She had gasped out the name ‘Anna’ before her eyes filled with tears.

And that’s when Ethan noticed the baby swing in front of the window and the bottle on the coffee table.

Rox and Mario had moved the woman out to the ambulance and they had been ready to leave when Ethan came out of the house, a small pink bundle in his arms.

His eyes were soft as he climbed in the back of the rig with who she could only assume was Anna.

She was only a few months old from what Rox could tell, but she had smiled at Ethan and he had smiled back.

And Rox’s heart had broken in two.

She had seen the way his eyes lit up at the child.

At how excited he had gotten at holding the baby close.

They had rushed her mother to Angels, Anna snuggled close to Ethan’s chest the entire ride, and she had had to bite her lip to fight off the tears forming in her eyes.

After they had gotten her settled, and Ethan had handed the infant off to her father who had met them there, she had vanished down the hall and out to her car quicker than she thought possible.

She knew she should have told someone that she was leaving, but she just wanted to get the hell away from them, from all of them.

But especially away from Ethan.

She had driven home with tears in her eyes.

She had ignored all twelve of Ethan’s calls and all of his texts.

She had fallen into bed and cried herself to sleep and she didn’t even care that it was only three in the afternoon.

Her heart was broken and her soul was tired and she just wanted to disappear.

—

When she awoke a few hours later the house was dark and quiet, the moonlight creeping in through her bedroom window.

She let out a sigh as she rolled onto her side and checked the clock beside the bed.

7:34pm stared back at her and she closed her eyes once more.

Four hours of sleep wasn’t nearly enough to make her feel better.

Not after the events of today.

Not after seeing the look of pure joy on Ethan’s face at the fact that he was holding a little baby.

She had never hated herself in one specific moment as she did right then and there.

She knew that he deserved the truth.

She knew that she needed to talk to him about what was plaguing her mind and why.

But she couldn’t bring herself to face him.

Sighing to herself she made her way into the bathroom and showered before making her way down the hall and into the living room.

The sounds coming from the TV didn’t hit her until it was too late.

“Hey you.” Ethan’s voice was soft as he lifted his head from it’s spot against the arm of the couch.

He looked so perfect and so relaxed and she stopped in her tracks at the sight of him.

He had obviously showered at some point, and he had changed into track pants and an Army t-shirt. His hair was a wild mess but his eyes were gentle and calm and all of the things she certainly didn’t expect to see.

“You sleep okay?” He pushed himself into a sitting position but didn’t move any more.

She was thankful that he was keeping his distance.

She certainly didn’t think she would be able to handle it if he got to close.

“Yeah.” She whispered.

She didn’t know if he had heard her, but then he was nodding his head and standing slowly, moving toward the kitchen with slow steps.

“I was gonna make dinner but I didn’t know how long you’d be out so I just ordered a pizza instead.” She watched as he stopped in front of the counter and opened the white box in front of him. “There’s still half of it left.”

She had never heard the doorbell ring.

She had never even heard him enter the house.

She must have really needed that nap she had taken.

“Thanks.” She could barely make words form in her throat.

Every time she looked at him she saw him with that baby in his arms.

And it was breaking her more and more with every minute that passed.

“Don’t worry about work,” He turned to face her and his eyes were so sleepy that it made her want to fall into his arms right then and there, “Mario and I covered for you.”

She didn’t know what to say so instead she just nodded her head.

Her legs had forgotten how to work and apparently so had her voice.

“Why don’t you go sit down?” He gestured toward the couch with one hand as he turned back around and grabbed a plate from the cabinet. “I’ll bring you some pizza.”

Again, no words formed in her throat, so she just nodded her head even though she knew he couldn’t see her.

Taking a deep breath she forced one foot in front of the other and made her way toward the couch slowly.

She had only been seated a minute or two when a plate appeared in front of her. She took it slowly from his hands and she watched out of the corner of her eye as he settled himself back into his spot on the other end of the couch.

She was thankful that he didn’t try to push himself on her.

That he was respecting her space.

He was getting a little bit better at that with every day that passed and she was appreciative, whether he realized it or not.

They sat in silence while she ate, the only sound in the room coming from the cooking program Ethan had left the TV on.

She both welcomed the quiet and hated it.

She could practically feel the tension between them and it was too much for her to bare.

"I can't give you that." She whispered softly.

She felt her heart literally crack as the words left her mouth.

"Give me what?" His eyes shifted from the TV screen to her and she let out a sigh as she set her plate on the coffee table.

"A baby." She choked out.

It hurt so much to actually say those words out loud.

She had never feared them before now.

Probably because she had never had anyone who wanted the same things as her before now.

"A baby?” He shifted his body on the couch, turning himself so that he was facing her. “Who said anything about a baby?"

"I saw the look in your eyes earlier.” And that look had broken her heart. “You want one. You want a baby. You wanted that baby."

"No. Not particularly.” She watched as he blinked his eyes a couple of times while he spoke. She knew that she was confusing him, but she couldn’t even wrap her head around what was happening right now. “I especially don't want some stranger's baby."

"Ethan..." She could feel her anxiety setting in.

Her hands were starting to shake and she could feel her heart racing in her chest.

She really didn’t want to have this conversation.

But she knew that it was necessary.

Especially if they were going to continue on with this relationship.

"Hey, if anyone's giving me a baby, it's you.” He smiled at her softly as he moved himself forward, stopping when he was directly in front of her. “Otherwise, I'm good."

The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye made her lose control.

"I can't give you a baby Ethan!” She shouted her words and she was shocked when he jumped slightly at her raised tone. She never got loud with him, ever. “Don't you get that?"

"I'm so confused.” He reached out for her but she pulled away, standing from her spot and moving to stand in front of the window. She couldn’t stand being so close to him. Not when she was about to destroy him. “What are you talking about?"

"I was pregnant once.” She whispered. “When I was nineteen."

"What happened?" She noticed that he had moved to stand, but that he kept himself by the couch instead of moving toward her.

She both wanted him to stay put and to come closer.

Her mind was raging a war with her heart right now that she certainly didn’t appreciate.

"I wanted to keep it. He didn't.” She could feel the tears falling down her cheeks and she wrapped her arms around herself to try and offer some comfort. “So he took care of the problem himself."

She heard Ethan let out a sigh and then he was moving to stand behind her.

He wrapped his arms around her gently, his hand pushing it’s way under her tank-top to rest against her bare stomach.

"The scar on your stomach?" He let his fingers trace over the top of the scar lightly before he pushed at her pants, letting them slide down a little so that he could follow the path of the scar.

She hated that scar more than she hated any of the other ones.

That scar was a constant reminder of the child she had lost.

Of the life that she had never gotten to live.

"I'm sure you've read my file Ethan." She knew he had seen it. She knew he had to know what had been done to her all those years ago.

"I haven’t Rox, not the details.” He nuzzled his nose against her neck as he moved his hand back out from under the material of her underwear.

"I don't talk about it." She whispered.

And she didn’t.

She didn’t talk about it when it happened and she sure as fuck didn’t talk about it now.

"How far along were you?" His question sent her mind into a tailspin.

She guessed he wasn’t going to just let the conversation go.

"13 weeks." She choked out.

She still remembered how excited she had been when she had found out.

She had called Emo immediately and told her the good news.

She had gone out and bought the vitamins and all the healthy food she could find.

She had been determined to do the whole thing the right way.

"I'm so sorry Rox." He pressed his lips against her shoulder as he tugged her back against his chest.

She felt a shiver leave her body, followed by a sob, and then he was gently turning her around in his arms.

One hand settled softly on her hip while the other cupped her cheek against his palm.

"I spent almost 5 months in the hospital.” She had been so screwed up, and not just physically, after the attack that they had kept her to make sure that she got the proper amount of care. “I'll never have children Ethan."

"Hey, it's certainly not a deal breaker for me." He dropped his forehead to hers as he pulled her close.

"You deserve a family." She hated that she had to take that away from him.

That she would be the reason that he never got to have children of his own.

"I have a family. I have you, and Ariel.” She knew he was lying. She knew that he wanted children. He had mentioned it a bunch of times before. “That's enough for me."

"You don't want kids?" She was hoping to call his bluff.

"Sure I’d love them if I had them,” He pressed a soft kiss to her nose before continuing, “but I’m not gonna up and leave just because we might not be able to have a baby of our own.”

"Oh. Okay." She felt her heart start to race again and she reached out, clinging to his t-shirt desperately.

"I love you Rox.” He pressed a soft kiss to her lips then, his fingers tangling in her hair as he dragged his lips over hers. “Nothing changes that. Kids or no kids. You hear me?"

"I just..." She couldn’t get the words out.

Not now. Not after everything.

"Don't. Don't go there. Don't go to that place in your head. It's not worth it.” She was thankful that he understood her so well. That he knew exactly what was running through her mind in that given moment. “I love you and you're mine and I'm yours and we will be just fine just the way we are."

"I..." Her throat felt like it was on fire and her head was pounding all of a sudden.

She could feel her body starting to spiral out of control.

She was thankful when Ethan pulled back slightly, moving them back toward the couch and settling her in his lap once he was seated.

He wrapped his arms around her tightly, his lips dropping kiss after kiss to her head as he did his best to console her.

She would never understand what she had done to deserve this man.

"Roxane. Look at me.” He reached down then, gently lifting her chin up so that their eyes locked. “It's okay."

She nodded her head softly before dropping her head back against his chest.

She felt him tighten his arms around her and she let out a strangled sob as she tried to bury herself against his chest even more.

She felt like a small child, trying to hide away from some invisible enemy.

They had sat there for a while, him just holding her close, his head nuzzled against hers as he tried his best to calm her down.

She had felt her body start to relax after a while, and with it her mind.

She felt like talking about all of a sudden, and she wasn’t sure why that moment had done the trick, but it had.

"I always wanted kids. More than anything. I wanted to do things right you know? Make up for all the shit my parents put me through as a child.” She whispered her words as she let her fingers settle under his t-shirt and against his bare chest. She sought out the chain of his dog tags as she let out a soft sigh. “I was so happy when I found out I was expecting. I didn't think it was a big deal. He didn't have to involved, I didn't want anything from him."

"So why do it? Why did he care if you gave birth or not?" His question was one she had been trying to answer for almost eighteen years.

And she had yet to get any closure from it.

"He was just evil like that, that's all.” He had been a first rate asshole is what he had been. He used to beat her, constantly. And he told her how much he hated her whenever he had the chance. She never understood why she kept crawling back to him. She guessed that she had just been so fucked up back then that she just needed to feel like she belonged somewhere. Even if that somewhere was with him. “He didn't want to see me happy I guess."

"Just so you know, if I ever see that guy on the street, I'm gonna shoot him." He let his fingers run through her curls softly, his lips gentle against the skin of her forehead as he pressed a few kisses there.

"Get in line." Emo had lost it when she found out, and so had Jim. 

She was honestly surprised that neither one of them had hunted him down and killed him for what he had done to her.

"I'm sorry he took that from you baby.” He settled himself even further back against the cushion, his arms tightening around her as he held her close. “It wasn't fair. You didn't deserve that."

"I became real depressed after. I just wanted to die.” She remembered praying over and over again that something would go wrong and that she would just die from complications. And after she had been released from the hospital, she had just wanted to take her own life. She had tried, once, but she had obviously failed. “It all just felt so, unreal. If it hadn't been for Emo, I never would have survived."

"I'm glad you had her." She couldn’t imagine what life would have been like back then if it weren’t for the older woman.

She was still her saving grace.

"Me too." She whispered.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I wish I could take it all away.” She could hear the sadness in his voice and that’s when she felt his tears against her skin. She hated that she had broken him with the news. She wished she had never had to tell him any of what had happened to her back then. “I wish I could give that back to you."

"I just... I had already fallen so in love.” She loved the idea of being a mother, especially back then. “I had picked out names and everything."

"I'm sorry honey. I'm so so sorry." He dropped a kiss to her head as he let out a soft sigh.

She could feel his heart racing under her fingertips and she pressed a kiss against his shoulder as she snuggled closer.

"I felt like I was being punished for something.” The man who had hurt her told her that she deserved it. That she deserved to suffer for being such a whore. She had believed him back then, and part of her believed it now. “I saw it as a sign and I just, I lost myself because of it."

"You didn't deserve that. No one does. You hear me?" Ethan reached down and gently lifted her chin up once more, his eyes locking with hers as he dropped his forehead against hers. 

She could see the pain and sadness in his eyes and it killed her.

"It's hard sometimes. Seeing babies, little kids. It hurts.” It had been hard since the day it had happened. And every time she saw little ones it broke her in two, especially babies. And after having seen Ethan with that little girl in his arms, it had been too much for her. “He or she would be almost 18 but it still kills me to know that I'll never get that opportunity back."

"We can always adopt." His words startled her and she pulled back from him with a curious gaze.

He was making no sense at all.

How in the hell had they gotten to this point?

“Excuse me?” She choked out her question as she tried to wrap her mind around what he had just said.

"What? Don't look at me like that.” His eyes were soft and slightly playful, but they were also full of so much truth and love and it was almost too much for her handle. “There's nothing wrong with adoption."

"I never said there was." She had no issues with adopting.

She supported it 100%.

But the idea of them, adopting, together, was something that she couldn’t wrap her head around.

"Then why are you looking at me like I have seven heads?" His tone was playful as he tugged her back into his arms, sighing when she refused to settle back against his chest.

"It's just..." She honestly didn’t know why the topic startled her so much.

It’s not like she hadn’t thought about it before.

Especially not with her biological clock surely ticking down.

"What? Look Rox if it's something you really want then it's something I'm totally up to looking into.” His words made her heart flutter in her chest. She couldn’t believe what this man was willing to go through for her. “I just want you to be happy."

"But adoption? That's expensive. And stressful." She knew all to well the plight that Leanne had gone through in order to get Ariel.

She remembered all the court dates and hearings. All the paperwork and late nights. All the sweat and tears and anticipation.

She didn’t know if she was cut out for that.

"So is having a baby. In fact, so are a lot of things in life.” She knew that was true, but still. “But if it's something that would make you happy, I'd do it."

"I don't... I don't think that's the right move for us Ethan." It’s not that she didn’t think it was a good idea. It was better than not having any children at all she supposed.

But it was something that required so much more planning and effort than she figured Ethan would ever be willing to put in.

"Then we'll get a bunch of cats." He offered her a soft smile as he spoke.

"I'm allergic to cats." That, and she had no desire to be known as the cat lady.

Emo had a friend who was like that.

An old spinster with a house full of furry critters.

She was as nice as could be, but if Rox was being honest, the woman scared her.

"Then we'll get a bunch of dogs.” She knew he was really into the idea of getting a dog or two. It wasn’t the first time he had mentioned it to her. 

"I've always wanted a dog." And she had, ever since she was little.

Her parents had certainly never indulged that fantasy.

And Jim was allergic to them, so that had ruled out having one at Emo’s.

But she could totally see her and Ethan with a dog.

"Dogs are always fun.” He winked at her as he ran his fingers down her cheek. “A lot less stressful than a baby too."

"So, we're getting a puppy then?" She knew her eyes had lit up judging by his smile and she hoped that he would say ‘yes’.”

"Yes Rox, we can get a puppy." She let out a soft squeal as she threw her arms around his neck, her lips crashing against his hungrily.

This conversation may have started out horrible, but as long as it ended with her getting a dog, she was perfectly okay with the fact that it had taken place.


	18. Best Friend Like Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan needed some closure about what Rox had told him the other night. And he was thankful for a best-friend who was willing to give him just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y’all should know by now that I’m a Willish shipper at heart, so this shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise.

Ethan’s talk with Rox about having children had completely done him in.

Especially after he realized the severity of the situation at hand.

He had spent the rest of the night consoling her.

His arms staying wrapped around her at every chance they could.

And when she had tucked herself against his side and silently pleaded with him to just let her sleep, that’s exactly what he had done.

And he had held her all night long.

His eyes staying open and his heart beating unsteadily.

He had finally extracted himself from her grasp around 4:00am and had showered and left without so much as word ‘goodbye’.

He hoped that when she woke she understood that he had just needed to clear his head.

He had gone into work and immediately dug up her file.

And he had tucked himself into an abandoned corner of the hospital and had read it front to back multiple times.

Several surgeries. Hundreds of stitches and staples. Thousands of hours of therapy.

She had been a broken, bloody mess when they had found her. And apparently nothing much changed over the five months that they kept her at Angels.

His heart had stopped in his chest when his eyes caught sight of the name of the doctors and nurses who had taken care of her back then.

Leanne Rorish. Jesse Sallander. Ed Harbert.

All people he knew.

All people who knew her.

Two of whom knew them quite well in fact.

He had choked back a sob as he snuck her file back into it’s place in a storage closet on the fourth floor.

And then he had sought out Leanne, his heart racing in his chest as he tried to find the words he needed to say.

—

He had found the woman in her office, the lights down low and a soft ballad he sort of recognized flowing from the speakers of her computer.

He hadn’t even bothered to knock, instead, he had pushed his way through the door quietly before letting it shut behind him.

She didn’t even look up from her paperwork before the words had left her mouth.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to come find me.” She said softly.

Her eyes shifted up from the folder in front of her and she eyed him through the lenses of her glasses as he took careful steps toward her desk.

“You know why I’m here?” He could barely form words.

His heart hurt too badly to contemplate much of anything right now.

“I take it this is about Rox?” She set her pen down as she stood, making her way toward him.

“You knew?” He felt his breath hitch in his chest and he let his body fall back into the couch beside him. “You knew what that bastard did to her and you never told me?”

“It wasn’t my place Ethan.” She moved to sit on the table across from him, her hands twisting together in her lap. “She had to be the one to do it.”

“I…” He closed his eyes as he felt his pulse start to race. “How…”

“I know Ethan.” Her hands were soft as they landed on his knees.

He snapped his head up, his eyes opening wide as he eyed her softly.

The tone of her voice told him all that he needed to know.

That she was haunted by Rox’s demons just as much as he was.

“She was just a kid.” He had always known that Leanne thought the age difference between them was a bit odd, even if she didn’t come right out and say it to either one of them. “What that bastard did to her Ethan, it was horrible.”

“She never stood a chance did she?” He hated thinking about it, that he could have lost her before he even had her.

“Her only chance at survival was removing the fetus.” She whispered. “We did what we could to repair her uterus, but there was so much damage…”

“She’ll never have kids will she?” He felt his heart breaking in his chest.

Not just for him, but for her as well.

She may have acted like having kids now wasn’t a big deal, but he knew that she was lying to him.

“I highly doubt it.” Leanne’s eyes had filled with tears and it made him hurt even more.

The fact that she still seemed to care so deeply for the both of them was something he was having a hard time coming to terms with.

He expected her to hate them both.

But she had been nothing but supportive instead.

“But there’s still a chance?” He wasn’t one to give up hope. Not if there was even a tiny chance that they could make it happen.

“Maybe with some intervention.” She leaned back on the table, her hands wiping at her tears as she tried to gather her thoughts. “I don’t know how safe it would be though.”

He nodded his head at her words.

It was killing him the more and more real this became.

“I never really cared much about having kids before…” Sure he had mentioned it to Leanne when they had been together.

Sure he had pondered the idea of it.

But he knew what she had been through and he had never wanted to overstep his bounds.

But when Rox came along, well, the thought had simply blown him away.

He could just imagine her pregnant with his child. And he loved the idea of raising a house full of kids with her by his side.

“I know Ethan.” She had always brushed off his comments about kids with an eye-roll, and he had learned eventually to stop bringing it up.

“Not that I don’t love Ariel…” He didn’t want her to think for a second that he didn’t love their ‘daughter’ more than anything in this world.

The girl had become his whole life at one point, and even though he and Leanne were no longer together, and he didn’t get to spend nearly as much time with her as he once had, she was still the most important person in his life other than Rox.

“I know you do Ethan.” She patted his knee softly as she offered him a smile. “I’ve never once doubted that.”

He let out a sigh at her words.

He was thankful that after everything they had been through that she knew that he still cared about them both.

That he would do anything for either one of them.

Leanne was his best-friend and Ariel was his child. He would give his life for them if he had too.

He hoped that neither one of them ever doubted that.

“I just…” He closed his eyes as he let his head fall back against the couch cushions. “I wanted that so badly for us. For Rox and I. I wanted a house full of children. I wanted it all.”

He heard Leanne let out a soft sigh and when he opened his eyes he could see the trace of regret flash across her face.

It was gone in an instant though, and she was back to smiling at him and picking him up off the ground so to speak.

“I know Ethan.” She offered him a curious look as she spoke and he wondered what wheels were turning inside that beautiful head of hers.

“What?” He dared to ask.

She could be pretty mischievous when she wanted to be.

He wondered if she knew something that he didn’t.

“I could see you two with a house full of kids too.” She chuckled slightly at the image that must have popped into her head. “Those kids would be hell on wheels.”

“Those kids would be fucking adorable.” He said softly, a small laugh leaving his lips as he let the thought take over.

Those kids would be beautiful with Rox’s brown curls and his gray eyes.

They’d be determined and head-strong like her, but curious and sneaky like him.

They’d be in for the time of their lives if they were ever able to procreate.

“That they would.” She whispered softly.

He let out a breath as he leaned forward, his hands reaching out to take hers softly.

“Thank you Lea.” He whispered, his eyes locking with hers. “Thank you for taking such good care of her. Back then, and now. She’s lucky to have you.” He squeezed her hands as he spoke and he watched as her eyes filled with tears. “We both are.”

“Oh hush.” She tried to pull her hands free from his but he wouldn’t let go.

Instead, he pulled himself into a standing position, tugging her up to do the same.

And then he wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her against his chest with a soft sigh.

“I mean it Lea.” He felt her arms tighten around his waist as she buried her face against his neck. It had been so long since he had held her like this. So long that he had almost forgotten how good it felt to have her in his arms. He dropped a soft kiss against her hair, his arms squeezing her tightly as he took a deep breath. “We’d both be lost without you.”

“The feeling’s mutual.” She whispered, her lips pressing against his shoulder softly.

He knew that while things between them hadn’t ended on the best of the terms, that she always had his back.

And he always had hers.

No matter what.

And he was incredibly thankful that she had Rox’s back too.

He knew that whatever he and Rox faced together in their future, that Leanne would be there by their sides for it.

And he was incredibly lucky to have a best-friend like her.


	19. Grandkids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan hated having to tell his dad the truth about Rox’s medical history. But more than anything, he hated having to come to terms with the painful truth himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I know, I know, I’m evil for putting our poor couple through all of this. I do apologize. But… never say never right?!

After his heartbreaking conversation with Leanne all Ethan wanted to do was go home and curl up with Rox and sleep the weekend away.

But then he realized that she was working and that he had nowhere else to be.

So he had headed back to his place, his eyes still tearful and bloodshot.

His hands still shaking and his heart still racing in his chest.

He couldn’t wrap his head around what had happened to her all those years ago.

Not even after Leanne confirmed for him the details.

Not even after he had been over them a thousand times in his head.

He didn’t know what to do or what to think and he could feel his heart breaking even more in his chest.

And it certainly didn’t get any better when he got home.

—

His dad had been sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through the mail, when he walked in.

He let out a sigh.

He was really hoping to be alone right now.

He had headed toward the stairs quietly, praying that the man wouldn’t hear him, but he wasn’t as lucky as he thought.

“Your cousin Amy’s having another baby.” He called from the kitchen.

“Good for her.” He called back.

He didn’t even want to think about babies right now.

Not after the past few days.

And he certainly didn’t want to think about Cousin Amy and her small army of children.

Sure, he contemplated the idea of a half dozen kids or so, but he never actually thought he’d go through with it.

Amy, on the other hand, well she was already on what had to be kid number seven at this point.

“This makes baby number six.” Okay, so he was close enough.

Still, six kids in under nine years sounded like too much damn work for him.

“Her choice dad.” He knew that Amy was well aware of how birth control worked, at least he hoped so. If her and that crazy husband of hers wanted to have another child, they were more than welcome too.

He just didn’t want to have any part in it right now.

"So when are you gonna give me grand babies anyway?" His dad’s question caused him to stop in his tracks, his hand tightening around the railing of the staircase as he took a deep breath.

“You have Ariel dad.” He called back.

“Yeah, well, I meant a baby Ethan.” He rolled his eyes at his father’s words.

"That's not gonna happen dad." He hated letting those words leave his mouth.

It broke his heart every time he had to come to terms with the fact that he and Rox would probably never have a baby of their own.

"Oh come on." His dad appeared next to the staircase, a curious expression on his face as he held up what Ethan guessed was an announcement about Cousin Amy’s new baby.

"It's not possible dad.” He let his head drop forward, his eyes doing their best to avoid the card in his father’s hands. “So don't get your hopes up."

"Not possible?" The older man raised an eyebrow at him and he dropped down to the steps, his back leaning back against the wall as he let out a sigh.

"Not possible." He lifted his head then, his eyes connecting with his father’s.

There was a look of understanding behind the man’s eyes and it almost broke him more.

"I hate to be invasive, but is it you? Or her?" He honestly didn’t mind his father’s questioning, for once in his life. But he didn’t know how much of this Rox would feel comfortable with him sharing.

"Her." He whispered.

"Bad?" He could see that his father was concerned and nothing more.

He knew that the man cared about Rox a lot. That he loved her like a daughter. He knew that he would just want to make sure that she was taken care of.

"She was pregnant once. Guess her guy of the moment wasn't okay with that.” He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke. Simply saying those words were almost too much for him. “He decided to take care of the problem on his own."

"That doesn't sound good." He could see the panic in his dad’s eyes as he moved to stand at the bottom of the stairs.

"He slashed straight through her uterus.” He closed his eyes as he whispered his words. “She was in the hospital for months."

"Damn." His father’s voice echoed his thoughts and he could almost hear the pain in that one simple word.

"There's a 1 in 1000th chance she'll ever conceive again." Leanne had laid the odds out for him. She had shown him the research that had been done, the possibilities that were out there for them. It didn’t look good, but he didn’t want to give up hope if he didn’t have too.

"Well if there's anyone who can beat those odds, it's you two." He snapped his eyes up to meet his father’s and he felt his heart stop in his chest.

There was nothing but hope in the older man’s eyes and it made his heart race in his chest.

"Dad, please." He wanted to beat those odds more than he had ever wanted anything in his entire life. And yet, he didn’t want to get excited about something that would likely never happen.

"What? I'm just saying.” He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke softly and Ethan let out a breath. “You two are pretty good at beating odds if I recall correctly."

"Even if she did conceive dad, she'd never carry to term." Of that much, he was certain. 

He knew enough about the process of growing a baby to know that Rox’s uterus would never be able to withstand that kind of growth.

They would likely never make it past 32 weeks is what Leanne had said.

Which is what all the research had said too.

And while that was doable, it wasn’t even a guarantee. 

He wanted a healthy baby, but he wanted a healthy Rox even more.

And if this could potentially harm either one of them, it was out of the question.

"You know, I get that being 'carried to term' is important medically and all, but it's a bit overrated." He let out a groan at his father’s words.

The man had no medical knowledge outside of what he had learned from watching reruns of ER on late night television.

For him to let those words leave his mouth made Ethan cringe.

"Excuse me?" He choked out his question, his eyes boring into his dad’s as he tried to grasp what he was saying.

"You and your brother we're both early. In fact, you were probably what would be considered preemie by today's standards.” He knew that his mom had only made it to 34 weeks with Robbie before she had gotten pneumonia and he had had to be delivered. He wasn’t aware that she had had him early as well. “You both turned out fine."

"It doesn't always work like that dad.” And not every preemie baby made it out alive. And not every preemie baby went on to live a normal life. There were long term effects that he didn’t want to face, that he didn’t want to dare try and wrap his head around. But more than that, he didn’t want it to hurt Rox. He could never handle raising a child without her. “It could hurt Rox. I could lose her. Totally not worth the risk. No matter how badly we want a baby."

"So you guys have talked about it?" He closed his eyes at the older man’s question.

He knew that his dad was as supportive of their relationship as one person could possibly be.

But it was still odd to tell him that they had talked about having a baby.

"Well not really." Well, sort of anyway.

"Enough to know it'd happen if it were a possibility?" His dad must have been able to read his damn mind.

And it pissed him off slightly.

"Enough to know that the loss of that baby she once carried has broken her.” She was haunted by it, that much he knew. And while she hadn’t said anything to him about it since their conversation the night before, he knew that there was still so much inside of her that hurt. “It still haunts her everyday. I would never put her through that again."

"And if she happened to get pregnant?" He wasn’t sure how he would handle that if it ever happened.

The idea both thrilled and frightened him.

"Then we'd do what we had to do." And he guessed that they would.

If it meant terminating the pregnancy to save her life, that’s what it meant.

If it meant taking every careful step and precaution necessary to get her as far along as possible, than that’s what they would do.

"It's a shame really.” He could see the sorrow in his dad’s eyes and his heart ached knowing that he could never give his dad grandchildren like he seemed to want. “You guys would make great parents."

"I think we're probably better off as not." He didn’t believe that for a second. 

They would make great parents. Of that he was certain.

But he figured it was easier to just act like he wasn’t that interested.

That it was safer to protect his heart from the idea 110%.

"Well, I guess that's open to interpretation then huh?" He closed his eyes as he nodded his head.

"Guess so." He whispered.

They stayed silent for a few minutes, his breaths starting to even out as his dad shifted from foot to foot in front of him.

He knew that he was trying to be supportive, but right now, he just wanted to stop talking about it.

“You two can always adopt.” He had brought that idea up to Rox but she hadn’t seemed very interested in it.

“Dad…” He knew that his dad was trying to be helpful. That he was trying to provide him some sort of wisdom.

“What? I’m just saying. There’s plenty of kids out there who need a good home.” He was well aware of that fact. He had Ariel after all. And knowing where she had come from, what he and Leanne had saved her from, was enough to make him want to save them all. “Look at what Leanne has done for Ariel. Look what you’ve done for her. You and Rox could give that kind of good life to other children.”

“We’ve decided we’re just gonna get a puppy.” He shrugged his shoulders with his words.

He had always wanted a dog anyway. And apparently so had Rox.

So he figured they might as well at this point.

“A puppy Ethan? Really?” His dad rolled his eyes though. He guessed that maybe he thought they were being a bit childish in their decisions.

“What? Rox wants a puppy.” And so did he if he was being honest. It wasn’t even her idea to begin with.

“But not a child?” He didn’t understand why his dad was so wrapped up in this.

Why couldn’t they just get a dog or two and call it a day?

“Yes dad, she wants a child. But after everything she’s been through…” He let his voice trail off as he closed his eyes. They wanted a baby, he knew that much. Whether she would come right out and admit it or not, he knew that’s what they both wanted. But he would never put her life in danger, not over something as small as this. There were other ways they could complete their family, ways that wouldn’t put her life at risk. “I’d never put her through that again. Not unless it was what she wanted 110%.”

“I think you should look into it son.” He opened his eyes as his dad sighed softly.

“I’m not having this discussion with you.” He moved to stand, his heart deciding that he had had enough of all this baby talk.

He just wanted to go to sleep and forget this had ever happened.

“What? I’m just trying to help.” He whispered softly. “You guys want a baby but can’t have one yourselves, is that right?”

“Yes dad, that’s right.” He couldn’t stand the thought any longer. It was too much for him.

“Then why not take someone else’s baby?” He raised an eyebrow at his father’s words.

He made it sound like they were ready to commit some kind of crime.

“You make it sound like I’m gonna sneak into the nursery in the middle of the night and steal some random person’s kid.” He would never do such a thing, but he knew what his dad meant by his statement.

“You know what I mean son.” And he did know. He knew all to well what his dad meant by those words. Adoption wasn’t out of the question, at least not entirely. “There’s no reason you two can’t get what you want out of all of this.”

“Dad…” He huffed out.

He knew the man’s heart was in the right place but his head was hurting and his heart was racing and he just wanted this conversation to stop.

“Or get a surrogate.” He had never even given that option a single thought. But it was a good one. “I’m sure you could find someone willing to do that. It’s LA for Christ’s sake. Anything for a quick buck right?”

“Jesus dad, we’re talking about having a kid, not trading in an Oldsmobile.” He was getting snippy and he knew it was because he was tired and overwhelmed.

He hoped that his father understood that he didn’t mean any harm by it.

“Just… I think you guys should think about it. Look into it.” He shook his head as his father continued to speak. “Do some research. What could it hurt?”

“I’m going to bed dad.” He whispered, his legs turning his body around as he started to head back up the stairs and toward his room. “Thanks for the pep talk, I think.”

“Think about it son!” He heard his father call from the landing. “No reason to give up on your dreams so easily!”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” He sighed to himself.

If only it were that easy.

If only their dreams could come true with such little effort.

He knew that he shouldn’t give up.

He certainly didn’t want to give up.

But he knew that Rox was hurting even more than he was and that was enough to make him want to stop and reconsider everything.

He loved her, more than he had ever loved anyone or anything, and he wanted nothing more than to make her happy.

And it was breaking his heart knowing that he couldn’t give her this.

No matter how badly he wanted to try.


	20. Slow Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox had never seen Ethan look quite as handsome as he was tonight.

Rox wasn’t entirely sure why she had agreed to accompany Ethan to his buddy’s wedding.

It’s not like he wasn’t capable of going by himself.

He was a grown man after all.

But when he had casually mentioned it a few months ago she had said ‘sure’ and hadn’t given it any more thought since then.

She honestly didn’t expect them to still be together by the end of February.

She was almost certain that Ethan would have dumped her ass by then.

But he hadn’t, and they weren’t, so here she was.

Standing in front of her closet at 11:30am on a Saturday trying to decide what the hell she was going to wear to the wedding she had completely forgotten about.

Ethan had reminded her last night about the event when he had kissed her ‘goodbye’ in the ambulance bay.

He was headed to the rehearsal dinner and then to the bachelor party and he had been reluctant to let her go.

He said he would much rather spend the evening with her, but she didn’t believe him for a second.

But now, well now he was on his way over and she had to be dressed and ready to go by 12:15pm because he would be there by 12:30pm.

The wedding wasn’t until 3:00pm, but since he was a groomsmen he had to be there early.

Something about pictures and getting dressed and making sure that the wedding party wasn’t too drunk before the ceremony started.

He had rolled his eyes when he told her that last part, but she had just chuckled.

She knew he would be the most sober one there, whether he liked it or not.

“What’s the problem dear?” Emo’s voice startled her from her thoughts and she whipped around, her eyes catching sight of the older woman.

She had completely forgotten that she had asked Emo to come over and help her get ready.

The woman had been entirely too quiet while she had been showering and she had thought she had left.

“I have no fucking clue what to wear.” She let out a huff.

She wasn’t one to cuss, but dammit if she wasn’t having a really tough morning.

She didn’t know what Ethan was wearing, but she knew that he would look handsome regardless.

She was fearful of not looking good enough to be his date.

She didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his friends.

“What’s Ethan wearing?” Emo moved into the room slowly, depositing herself on the bed with a sigh.

“I don’t have a clue.” She turned back toward her closet before grabbing her phone from the dresser.

 _What the hell do I wear to this?_ She hit send before she reached out, grabbing a red strapless dress from the back of the closet.

She held up in front of her and turned toward Emo.

The older woman’s expression said it all.

“You’re going to a wedding Roxane, not a night club.” The sarcasm dripping from her words made Rox laugh.

She honestly had no idea why she even still owned that dress.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had worn it.

 _Something pretty?_ Ethan’s response reminded her of just how much of a man child he really was sometimes.

 _What are you wearing??_ She added an eye roll emoji before tossing the red dress to the bed and turning back to the selection in front of her.

 _My uniform._ She felt her breath hitch in her chest.

She had only seen him in his uniform once, at the funeral they attended with Martin almost a year ago.

He had been the most delicious sight she had ever seen and she had had a hard time keeping her hands to herself.

Even back then.

She couldn’t imagine what seeing him in it today would do to her.

 _So… not blue then?_ She didn’t want to clash with him too much.

She was sure she was already going to be making a fool out of herself.

 _Or red. That’s what the bridesmaids are wearing. At least according to Jeff._ But what does he know? She rolled her eyes once more.

These men were certainly not helping her situation any.

 _Whatever you wear you’ll look beautiful in Rox. Just something simple. It’s nothing fancy. Church wedding, rec center reception._ His response made her smile. He always knew how to bring her back down.

 _So not my hooker dress?!_ She was curious to see what his response would be to that.

 _No!_ She could almost imagine the look on his face when he read that.

 _But you can save that for later ;)_ She let out a laugh at his words.

He really was too much for her sometimes.

“So… what did he say?” Once again, she had forgotten that Emo was there and she felt bad.

She was so wrapped up in Ethan that she kept forgetting about the other woman’s presence.

“He’s wearing his uniform.” She turned to face her as she spoke.

“Well I’ll be damned.” Emo whispered.

Rox just rolled her eyes. Emo was so dramatic when she wanted to be.

“He said the bridesmaids are wearing red and it’s a church wedding.” She turned toward the closet once more, her hands reaching for the simple black gown she had bought on a whim a few years ago

She had never worn it though. And it just hung in her closet waiting for the perfect time to get worn.

It had cap sleeves and a crew neckline with a straight skirt that stopped right at her knees.

The whole thing was covered in lace and she had fallen in love with it the second she had tried it on.

She hoped it still fit like it had back then.

“What about this one?” She held it up in front of her as she moved toward the full length mirror on the other side of the dresser.

“Oh Roxane, that’s perfect!” Emo practically squealed with delight and she felt like a teenager getting ready for prom.

She stared at herself in the mirror for a minute, her eyes taking in every detail of the dress as she contemplated whether it was the right choice or not.

“You think he’ll like it?” Her question was whispered as she closed her eyes briefly.

They had never done the whole ‘dolled up’ gig before.

Sure they had been slightly fancier than jeans and t-shirts once or twice.

But she never wore dresses, and she had certainly never worn one around him before.

“You could wear a brown paper bag and he’d still think you were the most gorgeous woman in the world.” Emo’s words caused her to snap her eyes back open.

She shook her head as she turned.

“Oh hush Emo.” But the smile on Emo’s face told her all she needed to know.

Ethan would indeed love it.

“Go honey, finish getting ready.” The older woman gestured toward the bathroom. “He’ll be here soon and we still need to do your hair.”

Rox looked at the clock on the nightstand.

Somehow it was already 12:10pm.

She had less than twenty minutes.

She had better hurry if she was going to do anything with the mess of curls on her head.

Not that she thought Ethan would mind one bit if she left them just the way they were.

He always made the comment that he liked her hair slightly curly anyway.

Today, that might be just what he got.

—

After getting dressed and convincing herself that she indeed looked fine, Emo had fixed her hair for her, pinning it back slightly with some fancy silver clip that had appeared out of nowhere.

She had tried to convince her to put on some makeup, but Rox had swatted her off, claiming that she was perfectly fine with her soft pink lipgloss and nothing else.

She had just fastened the clasp on her necklace, the one that Ethan had given her for Christmas, the one that she wore everyday without fail, when she heard the front door open.

“Anyone home?” Ethan’s voice called softly through the small space.

“We’re in Rox’s room dear!” She was thankful that Emo spoke up because she had all of a sudden forgotten how to speak.

“Is it safe to come back?” She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at him.

“Of course!” Once again, she couldn’t speak, so she was thankful when the older woman behind her did.

She heard Ethan’s footsteps as he made his way down the hall and she found herself holding her breath.

It’s not like this was a special occasion.

It’s not like it was their wedding.

And yet, she was so incredibly nervous for him to see her that she felt like she was going to throw up.

“Hey Emo.” His voice was soft as he stopped somewhere just inside the door.

She could feel his presence close by and it made her heart flutter.

“Hi Ethan.” The older woman said softly.

She patted Rox on the shoulder before leaving the room, the sound of her feet echoing as she made her way down the hall.

She knew that she should turn around, but she had forgotten how to move.

Her whole body was frozen in place.

“Hi love.” She felt Ethan’s hand on her hip and she let out a breath.

“Hi.” She whispered.

She didn’t understand why she was so nervous.

This was absolutely insane.

She got ready to speak when he gently turned her around, his hand leaving her hip briefly as he let her move to face him.

He let out a breath when she stopped turning, his eyes lighting up at the sight in front of him.

“You…” He reached out once more, his hand going to settle against her cheek this time.

He pulled her in for a searing kiss, his lips hot, yet soft, as they crashed against hers.

She let her hands fall to his chest as she kissed him back.

She was sad to see that he wasn’t in his uniform yet.

Instead he was clad in jeans and a flannel shirt.

But he looked handsome nonetheless.

“You look so fucking beautiful.” He whispered as he pulled from the kiss.

“Shut up Ethan.” She whispered back.

She absolutely did not look ‘fucking beautiful’.

She was lucky if she even looked halfway decent.

He stepped back from her then, his eyes giving her a once over as he reached out for her hand.

She took it, and he spun her gently as he continued to ogle over her.

“You do realize that I’m gonna have a very hard time focusing tonight right?” He pulled her close after she gave him a good spin, and he let his hand settle back against her cheek.

“It’s really nothing special Ethan.” She wasn’t sure why he was so lovestruck.

There was noway that she looked that nice.

“We had better get going.” He whispered.

She could tell by the look in his eyes that if they didn’t leave now, they never would.

Nodding her head, she reached behind her and grabbed her clutch from the dresser before sliding her feet into the simple pair of black heels she had dug out from under the bed.

He held his hand out to her and she took it graciously.

“Behave yourselves tonight you two!” Emo called as they made their way past her.

Ethan let out a soft chuckle as he held the front door open for her.

Rox doubted there would be any behaving involved.

—

They had made it the venue around 1:15pm and Ethan had deposited her in the care of the bridal party before disappearing down a hallway with a man she could only assume was the groom.

She had been nervous about spending almost two hours with a group of women that she had never met before.

But lucky for her, they had all turned out to be rather nice.

And they had welcomed her with open arms and wine and a few stories about Ethan that she had been extremely thankful to hear.

She had excused herself around 2:45pm and made her way out into the main part of the church, finding herself a seat toward the back.

She knew she wasn’t the only one there that was sitting alone, but she still didn’t want to make herself noticeable.

At least not to anyone other than Ethan.

She had flipped through the program, her eyes straying extra long on Ethan’s name next to the title of ‘groomsmen’, before checking her phone one last time before the ceremony started.

When she heard the doors at the front of the church open she had snapped her eyes up quicker than she thought possible.

She waited with bated breath for Ethan to appear.

And when he did, she felt her heart stop in her chest.

He looked even more precious today than he had last year, his uniform making him all the more handsome than he normally was.

He had tamed his hair ever so slightly, and while she liked it when it was a little wild and lopsided, the slicked back affect was doing things to her as well.

She let out a breath when his eyes locked with hers, and she couldn’t help but blush when a giant smile came across his face.

“I love you.” He mouthed to her, his eyes soft and relaxed.

“Love you too.” She mouthed back.

She watched as the man next to him jabbed at him and whispered something.

Ethan blushed slightly before replying, his eyes never leaving hers.

She guessed that maybe the man had made a comment about her.

The old Rox would have been embarrassed by it.

But today, she was okay with seeing just how obsessed with her Ethan truly was.

—

The ceremony had been short and sweet, but beautiful all the same.

And when the preacher had been talking about ‘in sickness and in health’ and ‘until death do us part’ Ethan’s eyes had wandered to hers.

She had offered him a soft smile, which he returned, but he kept his gaze focused on hers long after he should have broken it.

She knew what he was thinking.

She knew that his mind was going to a place where they were the ones saying those lines.

To a place where she was the one wearing the pretty white gown and the handmade lace covered veil.

She had broken the eye contact when her mind had started going to that place as well.

But then the bride and groom had been kissing and the wedding party was making their way outside and she had let out a sigh as Ethan had strolled past her, his arm linked with a redhead she had shared a candy bar with earlier.

She had waited until all the guests had started making their way toward the recreation center next door before she had exited her pew.

She really didn’t like making small talk with people, especially when she didn’t know what to say.

She didn’t know anyone here other than Ethan.

And while she had met the bridesmaids and the bride, she doubted any of them would remember who she was.

So instead she had loitered outside for a bit, taking in the sights of the old church’s grounds, her clutch held tightly in both hands.

“You coming inside beautiful?” She snapped her eyes up from where they had been taking in the view of the mountains from behind the church.

She certainly wasn’t disappointed with the sight in front of her either.

“Just taking in the view.” She said softly.

She watched as Ethan made his way toward her with careful steps, his eyes soft and gentle as he stopped just in front of her.

“It is quite a beautiful one isn’t it?” He whispered.

She simply nodded her head at his question.

She wasn’t sure if he was referring to the mountains like she was, or if he was referring to her, but either way, she wasn’t sure exactly how to respond.

“Come on inside.” He said softly, reaching out for her like she was the most fragile thing in the world. “I wanna show you off.”

“I’d rather you not.” She whispered.

She wasn’t something to be shown off.

She wasn’t a trophy or a prize.

She was just his girlfriend.

That was it.

“Please.” He took her hand in his softy and tugged her to him.

She went willingly, her hands settling against his chest as she stopped right in front of him.

“Ethan…” She didn’t know what she was pleading with him for.

She knew she was a goner.

“Come on Rox.” He leaned down and kissed her softly before pulling back and continuing, his words sending her heart into a tizzy. “We’ll make the rounds, have a glass of champagne, and maybe sneak in a few shrimp.” He let his forehead fall to hers with a gentle smile. “We can even share a dance or two if you’d like.”

Her heart skipped a beat.

A dance?

She didn’t dance.

Nope. Never.

“I don’t dance Ethan.” She whispered.

“Bullshit.” He pressed his lips against hers softly. “Let’s go.”

And the next thing she knew he was gently escorting her inside the reception hall, his hand soft against the small of her back.

She wasn’t entirely certain how she felt about this, but all of her was certainly freaking out about it.

—

They had made the rounds slowly and Ethan had beamed from ear to ear as he introduced her to all of his military buddies and their significant others.

He hadn’t hesitated to call her his girlfriend.

He hadn’t hesitated to hold her hand and kiss her cheek and agree with his friends when they said he was a lucky guy.

She wasn’t entirely sure why that had done her in, but it had, and she had been putty in his hands the rest of the night.

They had taken part in a few champagne toasts. And they had shared a small plate of food.

And then the next thing she knew Ethan was leading her out onto the dance floor and she was helpless to stop him.

He had settled his left hand on her hip as his right hand took a hold of hers and she had let her free hand settle against his uniform jacket.

He had smiled at her softly as he started to sway them back and forth and she had let her eyes fall closed for a second as she took in the moment.

The song was soft and slow and was, of course, something about love and forever and growing old together.

She vaguely recognized it from the radio.

She was shocked when Ethan seemed to know the words though.

She had expected their dance to end after one song, but it hadn’t, and instead he had pulled her close, his hand moving up her back and away from her hip.

His forehead fell to hers as he tugged their hands between them, resting them against his chest as he pressed a kiss to her nose.

“You’re the most beautiful woman in the room.” He whispered.

She rolled her eyes at his statement.

“I most certainly am not.” She whispered back.

“Well you are to me.” He pressed a soft kiss to her lips and she felt like her world was going to ignite.

As many times as they had kissed before. As many times as they had made love before. This was by far the most intimate of situations they had ever been in.

She felt herself falling further and further in love with him.

If that was even possible.

“Well then,” She let her hand travel gently from his shoulder to rest at the nape of his neck, her fingers scratching lightly at his hair, “you are the most handsome man in the room.”

“Lies.” He nipped at her lips softly and she chuckled at him.

He was such a tease.

They swayed back and forth to the music for a few minutes before he spoke up, but when he did, she felt her heart start to race in her chest.

“Maybe the next time we dance this close will be at our wedding.” The smile that was on his face made her mind, and her heart, completely forget about how much that topic scared her.

Because for the first time in a long time, it didn’t.

“Maybe.” She whispered.

She watched as his eyes grew wide and his smile softened.

She knew she had hit him right in the heartstrings.

He pressed another kiss to her lips as he continued to sway her back and forth, his forehead going to rest against hers once more.

“You know,” He whispered after a minute, “as good as this dress looks on you,” he had a twinkle in his eye and she was pretty certain she knew where he was going with this, “it would look so much better on my bedroom floor.”

She let out a soft chuckle as she let her fingers rake through his hair slowly.

“I could say the same thing about you and that uniform.” She offered him a wink and she chuckled when he raised an eyebrow at her.

She wasn’t one to counter back with such suggestions.

She must have thrown him off his game.

“You wanna get out of here?” He had slowed their pace down so that they were now just standing there together.

“Don’t you have to stay?” She figured he would have to be there for speeches and gifts and all that fun stuff.

She was perfectly okay with staying if that’s what he had to do, but she also really, really wanted to get him home, and out of that uniform.

“Nah.” He pulled back from her slowly and she all of a sudden felt very empty. “Jeff will understand.”

She nodded her head then, watching as a giant smile broke out on his face.

He stepped back from her, his fingers tangling with hers as he lead her off the dance floor.

He shot a look, and a nod, toward the bride and groom, before they headed out the door and out into the cool evening air.

She had wondered if she would need a cover-up of any kind, but she had forgotten to grab one before they left.

But then Ethan was sliding his uniform jacket off and over her shoulders and she was instantly wrapped up in a scent that was uniquely him.

And her whole body relaxed.

He took her hand in his once more and lead her toward the car.

They didn’t speak a single word on the car ride home, but their hands stayed entwined on the center console the entire time.


	21. Beautiful Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as Ethan had loved the look of that black, lace dress on Rox, he was more excited about seeing what it would look like on her bedroom floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This is nothing but pure smut, you have been warned.**

Ethan had thought the wedding had gone off without a hitch.

Jeff had managed not to get to incredibly drunk and Liz hadn’t forgotten her vows.

And they had both managed to make it through the hundreds of pictures without killing each other.

He had been so very happy for his friends and their new title as husband and wife.

But he had been happier that he had gotten to experience it all with Rox by his side.

She had looked beautiful, as always, and the sight of her in that short, black dress had done things to him that he couldn’t possibly begin to explain.

She was the most stunning woman he had ever seen.

And he had been dying to get his hands on her all night.

They had shared a few kisses, and even a few slow dances, but none of those had been enough to calm down his desires.

No, he needed her, as badly as a man could need a woman, and he wasn’t willing to wait any longer.

“Ethan…” Rox’s whimper of his name had snapped him from his thoughts and he offered her a soft smile as he let his hand continue pushing its way up her dress.

They had barely made it out of the car and up the steps before he had had his lips on hers.

And then her hands had been in his hair and her tongue was begging for entrance.

He had granted it without a second thought as his hand made it’s way down her hip and toward her thigh.

He had gripped the material at the hem of her dress and had slowly pushed it upward, his fingers running along the bare skin of her leg as he dragged his teeth across her lip.

“Whaaat?” He whined out.

He didn’t want to talk. 

Not right now.

Not unless it was to tell her all the dirty things he wanted to do to her.

“Emo’s still here.” She whispered.

He didn’t give a fuck who was here.

That wasn’t going to stop him from having his way with her.

“Don’t care.” He let his hand continue up her thigh, stopping when he got to her hip.

He felt lace under his fingertips and he inhaled.

She had never worn these panties for him before.

“We should stop.” She could barely get the words out between kisses, but she sure as hell was trying.

“Nope.” He let his fingers tug on the waistband of the lace underwear she was wearing and she nipped at his lip.

“Ethan!” He wanted to rip the damn things off of her and have his way with her right there against the wall.

But then the front porch light was flickering on and off repeatedly and he knew they had been caught.

“Oops.” He whispered.

He dropped his hand from under her dress, his arm falling to his side as he let his forehead fall against hers.

They were both trying desperately to catch their breath when the front door opened beside them.

“You two are impossible.” Emo huffed out. “Making out on the front porch like a bunch of teenagers.”

He felt Rox start to tremble beneath him.

He knew that part of it was from need, but the other part was from overwhelming emotions as well.

“Sorry Emo.” He said softly.

He turned toward her and she simply offered him a smile.

“I’m going to leave so that you two can finish this,” She gestured between them with a raised eyebrow, “in a more appropriate place.”

Rox’s head fell forward against his shoulder as she let out a sigh.

“Thanks.” He figured he would answer for the both of them since Rox obviously couldn’t seem to form words in her throat.

And then Emo was gone, her legs carrying her slowly down the steps and then the sidewalk.

She climbed in her car and gave them both one last knowing look before she was gone.

He felt Rox’s fingers tighten around the hair at the back of his neck as she lifted her head back up.

“Sorry.” She whispered.

“Don’t be.” He let his fingers trail down her cheek softly then. “Let’s take this inside.”

He offered her a knowing look and she returned it, her eyes dark with lust as she let him drag her through the doorway and down the hall toward her bedroom.

He didn’t miss a beat once they were inside, his hands pushing her back against the doorframe softly as he shut the offending object.

He knew that Emo was gone and that they could have just left the door open.

But he needed something to back Rox up against and that was the closest solid space.

“Now where were we?” He let his hand travel back down to the hem of her dress, but her fingers stilled his motions before he could push the material up.

He got ready to speak when she reached to her side, her fingers gripping the zipper of the dress and sliding it down slowly.

The material fell away from her body in slow motion and he inhaled so sharply it almost knocked him off his feet.

She may have looked beautiful in that dress.

But dammit if she didn’t look fucking gorgeous standing before him in a black lace bra and panties to match.

He shook his head softly as he let his hands move to settle on her hips, pressing her back against the door as she stepped out of the dress, letting it fall to the floor between them.

“I love you.” He whispered before crashing his lips against hers.

She let out a whimper against his lips, her fingers tugging at the hem of his white dress shirt.

She untucked it and started undoing the buttons before he could even make sense of what was happening.

If he hadn’t been in uniform he would have just told her to rip the damn thing open.

“Love you more.” She whispered against his lips, her fingers undoing the last button before pushing the material away from his shoulders.

He let a shiver run through his body as the cold air of her bedroom met his skin.

“Not possible.” He nipped at her bottom lip as he toed his shoes off.

He pulled his hands from her hips then, undoing his belt and buckle in one swift motion.

He pushed his pants to the floor and stepped out of them before crashing his lips back against hers.

She tangled her fingers in his hair as she tried to pull him closer.

He wished it was possible, but he was pretty certain it wasn’t.

They stood there for a few minutes, their lips pressed against one another as they both made messes of the other’s hair.

He pulled away from her with a soft sigh, his head falling to her neck as he gently hoisted her up.

She wrapped her legs around his waist with a soft whimper, her fingers gripping at his shoulders as he dragged his teeth along her pulse point.

He would never get over how amazing it felt to have her in his arms like this.

Once he was certain that she was secure in her spot, he let his hands wander up her sides and to her shoulders where he pushed at the straps of her bra.

“This must be new.” He whispered, his eyes locking with hers as he slid the straps down.

“I got it yesterday.” She could barely make words form and he could tell.

She always lost the ability to speak when they were intimate.

“I like it.” He let his hands fall downward to cup her breasts, his fingers dancing over the lace slowly as he dropped his head down to her chest. “A lot.”

He felt her nod her head as she clung to him, her back arching as he dragged his teeth lightly over the exposed skin of her right breast.

He reached behind her then, his fingers undoing the clasp with ease, and he watched as the garment fell to the floor.

He had seen her naked a hundred times, maybe more, and yet every time his body reacted the same way.

She was perfect to him. In every single way. And he would never stop reminding her of it.

“Beautiful.” He said softly, his lips falling to her breast as he kissed the smooth skin.

He heard her let out a soft moan, her head falling back against the wall as her eyes slammed shut.

She was putty in his hands and he knew it.

He spent a few minutes letting his lips dance over her right breast before moving to the left, and when she let out a whimper in anticipation he couldn’t help but chuckle.

He knew what she needed.

Better yet, what she wanted.

But he wanted to take his time tonight.

“Easy girl.” He whispered against her shoulder as he brought his head back up to hers.

She shook her head back and forth before letting her eyes open and connect with his.

“Ethan, please.” Apparently slow and steady wasn’t in her play book for tonight though.

“Please what?” But he wasn’t above making her ask for it.

“Ethan…” He could see the angst in her eyes. The way she was needing him, probably so badly that it hurt.

“Roxane…” He let his forehead fall to hers as his fingers made their way down her sides to settle on her hips.

“I can’t…” She didn’t finish her sentence. Instead, she closed her eyes, her head falling forward to rest against his shoulder.

“Yes you can.” He whispered.

And then he was hoisting her up and carrying her toward the bed, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist.

He laid her down gently, his hands settling on her hips as he let his head drop to her stomach.

He pressed kisses along the mangled skin before he pulled back, his fingers hooking around the waistband of her panties.

He dragged them down slowly, her eyes shooting daggers at him as he took his time.

He chuckled softly as he tossed them aside, his head falling downward so that he could press kisses along the insides of her thighs.

She let out a whimper that almost convinced him to pick up the pace, but he wasn’t going to be deterred that easily.

Instead, he let his head settle between her legs, his tongue dancing along her folds as he slid a finger into her.

She let out a growl, accompanied by a series of curse words, and then his name.

He let his other hand settle on her hip, holding her in place as he slowly brought her to the edge.

She whimpered out his name as she came crashing down and he felt her fingers grip at his hand tightly as her orgasm rattled her body.

He pulled back, his eyes shifting upward to catch a glimpse of her, but her head was turned to the side and she had her eyes closed.

He pushed himself upward some, his lips pressing against her thigh as he kissed his way back up her body.

When he got closer he could see that she was biting her lip and that there were tears falling from her eyes.

He prayed that those tears were from just having her world rocked.

Not from something else.

“Baby, look at me.” He let the hand that was on her hip move upward, cupping her cheek softly as he turned her head so that she was facing him.

But her eyes didn’t open. Instead she shook her head at him as she kept her arms by her side.

Normally at this point she had her hands in his hair.

He was terrified of what he might have done wrong.

“Rox…” He nudged his nose against hers softly. “Please. You’re scaring me.”

And she was.

He was terrified that he had hurt her.

Or that he had gone too far when she wasn’t ready.

He didn’t know what had gotten into her.

“Roxane…” He dropped his forehead to hers as he let his fingers run along her hip softly. “Please baby. Talk to me.”

She opened her eyes slowly as she took a deep breath.

He could see something there that he didn’t recognize.

And it both scared and excited him.

“Are you okay?” He whispered.

She nodded her head as her hands moved to his bare back.

“I didn’t hurt you did I?” That had always been his fear with her.

Even though he knew damn well that she had had much more physical lovers, he always worried that he would take it too far or bring back a memory she wanted to forget.

She shook her head back and forth this time and he let out a breath.

“Will you talk to me?” He just wanted to know what was going on in that beautiful head of hers. “Please.”

She let out a breath as she let her fingers tangle in his hair.

She dragged his head down to hers, their lips crashing together as she pushed at the waistband of his boxers with her free hand.

He wanted to argue with her and tell her that this didn’t count, but he refrained.

He knew that she needed to do things her way, and in her time, and that’s all there was too it.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, their lips pressed together softly as they both worked to calm themselves down.

When he finally pulled away he could see her eyes had calmed down some, her hand having softened against the back of his neck.

“Are we okay?” He whispered his question as he lined himself up with her.

She nodded her head softly and he slid into her with ease.

He was thankful that they could easily bring each other back down without much effort at all.

“I love you.” He pressed a kiss to her nose as he set a slow, but steady pace, and when she offered him a soft smile he felt his heart flutter.

“I love you too.” It was the first time she had spoken in a while and her voice was rough.

But then she was crashing her lips against his and thrusting her hips upward to meet his pace and he couldn’t help but smile into the kiss.

It didn’t take them long before they were both tumbling over the edge and he had whimpered out her name against her lips as he came within her.

She had tugged at his hair and whispered his name over and over again as her walls clenched around him and he had been helpless at that point.

“I love you so goddamn much.” He pressed a searing kiss against her lips, his body finally starting to relax against hers as he tried to gather his thoughts.

She simply nipped at his lips before letting her hands settle against his back.

“Shower?” She whispered softly.

He could tell that she was done for the time being. That her body was spent, as was her mind, and he had no problem in indulging her with a warm shower.

“Yes please.” He pulled from within her slowly, his hands gently going to tug her upward with him, and he smiled when she leaned against him. “I got you.”

She nodded her head softly as she wrapped an arm around his waist, her head falling to his shoulder with a contended sigh.

They made their way toward the bathroom slowly, and he had cranked up the hot water before stepping inside the shower first, his hand extending outward for her from behind the glass.

She had joined him without hesitation and he had tugged her body against his under the warm spray as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I love you Roxane.” He dropped his forehead to hers. “I love you more today than I did yesterday.”

She offered him a soft smile as her fingers danced over his bare chest, water droplets bouncing off her head and onto his shoulders.

“And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now.” She whispered back.

He couldn’t help the giant smile that came over his face at hearing her say those words to him.

He would never get over how in love with this beautiful woman he was.

And he prayed to God that he never had to know life without her.


	22. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox is tired of Ethan worrying about her. Ethan is tired of Rox pushing him away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fight to end all fights, but I assure you that it’s going to get better. It just has to get bad first.

Ethan couldn’t remember the last time he had ever been so exhausted.

In fact, he was pretty sure that he never had been.

After he and Rox had gotten home from the wedding last night they had made love.

And boy had it been good.

But then she had started to shy away from him and she had started to push him to the side and he had felt his heart breaking.

They had come so far and yet it didn’t seem to be making any bit of difference.

He felt like they were back at square one again.

Like he had to completely re-earn her trust.

He hated the idea of losing her, because he felt like he had finally gotten her right where he wanted her, but she seemed to have other plans when it came to their relationship.

And he hated it.

Absolutely hated it.

They had showered quietly, her body trembling as she went through the motions.

It was almost like she was in shock. Like she didn’t know what had just happened.

And he felt so broken by her behavior that he had a hard time keeping the tears from his eyes.

After drying off they had both collapsed into her bed and he had been asleep before his head had fully settled against the pillow.

But then he was awoken an hour later to her sobbing, and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from pulling her into his arms and holding her tight.

She had allowed him to comfort her for a few minutes, but then she was shoving him away and telling him to let her be.

And that was how the rest of their night had gone.

He would doze off for an hour or two, only to wake up to her crying.

And he would try his best to comfort her, only to have her push him away.

By the time morning had rolled around, his alarm going off to signal that it was quarter after seven and he needed to get his ass in gear, he had barely been able to hold his eyes open.

And he had dragged himself from the bed and into the shower with a low growl.

He had dropped a kiss to Rox’s head before leaving, telling her that he loved her and that he wanted her to try and rest, and then he had let himself out.

That had been a few hours ago and he was struggling to keep his head above water.

He knew that everyone could see that he was barely hanging on and he was honestly surprised that no one had commented on it yet.

That was until he ran into Noa in the break room and she broke the silence.

"You look exhausted.” Her voice was soft and he was thankful that she was alone. He didn’t think that he could handle dealing with Mario right now too. “Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Not really." He whispered.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, willing his migraine to go away.

He had already had three cups of coffee and none of them were doing him any good.

"How’d the wedding go yesterday?" He was shocked that she remembered him mentioning the special event on Friday before he had left for the day.

“Great.” He leaned back against the counter as he brought his fourth cup of coffee up to his lips.

“Let me guess,” She raised an eyebrow in his direction as she leaned back against the counter opposite him, “you and Rox spent the night together last night didn’t you?”

"Yes, Noa, we spent the night together." He didn’t know what that had to do with anything though.

They spent almost every night together.

How in the world did that relate to his lack of sleep?

"Too much wild sex keep you up?" He nearly spit out the sip of coffee he had just taken and he shot Noa a look.

"Noa?!" He couldn’t believe her.

Well, actually, he could.

But still, it was none of her business what he and Rox did in there spare time.

Or if it kept them both up all night.

"What? It's not like we don't all know that you two can't keep your hands to yourself.” There was a soft smile on her face and he knew that she while she was being serious about the topic at hand, she was also just joking around with him. “And I've seen the way you look at each other. It's dangerous being around you two sometimes."

"We're not that bad.” He and Rox were grown adults who happened to be in love with each other. What was the harm in them being all heart-eyes over each other? “Are we?"

"You totally are." She offered him an eye roll as she stepped forward, grabbing a cup from beside him and pouring herself some coffee.

"Well I'm sorry.” In reality, he wasn’t the least bit sorry. They were very, very attracted to each other and he couldn’t help himself from wanting to touch her constantly. He didn’t understand how that was a problem. It’s not like he ever did anything at work. Yet. “And no, wild sex didn't keep me up all night."

He wished he had been kept awake all night by wild sex with Rox.

He would have given anything to have had her naked body in his arms all night.

Instead, he had spent the entire night trying to save her from some sort of nightmare that he wasn’t privy too.

He wished that she would have just told him what was bothering her.

He would have done anything to help her.

"Everything okay?" Noa’s question was soft as she eyed from her spot next to him.

"Rox has nightmares sometimes.” He didn’t know if Rox would care that he was sharing this information with the younger girl, but he needed to confide in someone, and Leanne was nowhere to be found. “Bad ones. They can be pretty intense."

"Let me guess,” She raised an eyebrow at him as she took a sip of her coffee, “last night she had some of those nightmares?"

"Several of them actually.” He let out a soft sigh, his eyes closing at the memory of Rox screaming out in pain and horror. Whatever demons she was fighting off were worse than he knew what to do with. “I don't know what set them off, but it was bad. I felt so helpless. Absolutely nothing that I did worked to comfort her."

"I'm sorry Ethan.” She patted his arm before moving back to her space across from him. He could see the wheels turning in her head and he wondered what she was thinking. “Has she ever talked to anyone about them? You know, like a professional?"

"She saw a therapist for a few weeks after her accident.” In reality, he was pretty sure she only went to the three mandated sessions before giving up. She wasn’t one to open up to others, especially strangers, and he knew that talking to someone about her problems had been hard for her. “But they focused on her recovery from that and once they cleared her she never went back."

"She should have kept going." Noa’s words echoed his thoughts exactly.

He had tried to encourage her to keep going. He had tried to tell her that it would help.

But it had lead to a fight and so he had thrown his hands up and walked out.

If she wasn’t willing to try and get better he hadn’t been in the right headspace to help her.

Not back then anyway.

Not when everything was still so fresh.

Her accident had shattered him and almost losing Ariel had been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

He had remained strong for Rox, and for Leanne, but the amount of self-guilt that he dealt with had been enough to make him question his sanity.

Even after realizing that he was losing it when he saw Robbie’s ghost walking around.

Even after they locked him in that damn psych hold in San Diego.

He knew he was spiraling downward and he had forced himself to suck it up for Rox’s sake.

She needed him to be strong, and up until now, he felt as though he had been doing her justice.

"You're telling me." He whispered.

"Have you tried suggesting that to her?" She should have known that Ethan wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. Of course he had tried convincing her to see someone again.

"A few times. It always ends in a fight." But once again, it always ended in a screaming match.

And he was so incredibly tired of fighting with her about every little thing.

"I could try talking to her if you want." He snapped his head up at the woman’s comment and offered her a soft smile.

"No Noa, it's okay.” He knew that Noa and Rox were friends. He knew that she just wanted what was best for the other woman, just like he did. But he also knew that she wouldn’t take kindly to someone else suggesting that she was in need of a little extra help. “I just gotta find a way to get through to her."

"She trusts you Ethan.” He let out a snort at her comment, he wasn’t to sure about that anymore. “She shouldn't be so afraid to open up to you."

"If you knew what she'd been through, you'd understand." It wasn’t an excuse. Her abusive past, the torment and pain that she’d been put through, it wasn’t an excuse for pushing him away like she was.

But he wanted to believe that it was.

He wanted to believe that she was just so broken that she couldn’t handle the love he had to give.

He figured that was better than trying to come to terms with the fact that maybe she really just didn’t trust him like she should.

"Well, let me know if you need any help.” She smiled back at him brightly as she downed the rest of her coffee before tossing the cup into the bin beside him. “I don't mind lending an ear to either one of you."

"Thanks kid. I appreciate it." And he did appreciate it.

He was thankful for her friendship, especially in the last few months. And while they weren’t as close as they had been before Rox’s accident had dragged him away, he was still glad that the girl seemed to respect him and think of him as a friend.

Especially after everything he had been through.

\--

Ethan had stayed put in the kitchen for another five minutes, just staring off into space, when his pager had gone off and he had been summoned to Center Stage.

He had tossed his half-full cup of coffee into the trash with a huff and headed out the door without another thought.

He had worked through the crisis at hand without more than a few words to the people around him and when Leanne had shot him look after he yelled at Elliot over a stupid mistake he had excused himself to get some air.

She had started to follow him, but he had heard Noa tell her to leave it be.

He was both thankful, and regretful for that.

After getting himself together some he had wandered back into the hospital and he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Rox entering the building from the ambulance bay.

He didn’t understand why she was at work.

She should have stayed home and rested.

He had already told Campbell that she was feeling under the weather and he honestly hadn’t expected her to show up with how badly she had been feeling last night and this morning.

“Hey you!” He picked up his pace and he watched as she stopped, her shoulders slumping as he neared her.

He didn’t understand why she didn’t seem happy to see him.

"Feeling any better?" He stopped next to her and he could see the bags under her eyes. The way her mouth didn’t turn upward into a smile. The way she was moving slower than normal.

He hated that she did this to herself.

"A little." She whispered.

She refused to make eye contact with him though and he let out a sigh when she crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive manner.

He knew that she was angry with him, he just didn’t understand why.

"Did you ever fall back to sleep after I left?" He reached out and pushed a stray piece of hair behind her ear, but she shrugged away from him before he could finish the task.

"No.” She said softly. “I watched a little TV before giving up and getting ready."

He let out a sigh at her words.

He didn’t understand why she was tearing herself apart like this.

"You should have called out today." He let his hand fall to her arm, but she once again shrugged out of his touch. “I talked to Campbell, told him you were sick. He would have understood.”

"No point.” She huffed out, pulling herself away from him and heading back out the way she had just came. He hurriedly followed behind her, unsure of why she was so desperate to get away from him. “There's work to be done, I'm capable of doing it."

"You sure about that?" It’s not that he wanted to doubt her ability to do her job, but he knew that she wasn’t in the best headspace and that was never a good way to handle things.

"Ethan please... don't start this now." She stopped dead in her tracks as she turned to face him, a look of anger on her face that he hadn’t seen a while.

She normally just got aggravated with him, not full on mad.

But this was different.

And they both knew it.

"I'm worried about you Rox.” He whispered. “I just want you to be okay."

He really just wanted her to stop shutting him out.

He wanted her to stop treating him like the bad guy.

He loved her. He didn’t understand why she couldn’t see that.

"I'm fine!” She shouted. A few heads turned in their direction and he dropped his head downward. He hated it when she made a scene. “I just want everyone to stop treating me like I'm so fragile. I'm a grown woman, I can look out for myself."

And with that she was gone, her long legs carrying her back toward her rig and away from him.

He felt the tears pricking at his eyes as he watched her walk away.

He didn’t understand what he had done wrong, but he had a feeling that this wasn’t something he was going to be able to fix.

And it was breaking him in two.

\--

He had barely made it through the rest of his shift without breaking down.

And it had been Ariel giving him a gentle nudge in the right direction for him to get his head screwed on remotely straight.

But her words had comforted him enough to get him through until it was his turn to go, so he had let them echo in his head until he was ready to walk out the door.

He had seen Rox bring in a few more patients later that afternoon, but she hadn’t so much as made eye contact with him, so he had avoided speaking to her as well.

When he was finally free from the confines of Angels concrete walls he had grabbed his stuff and headed for the parking lot as quickly as he could.

The sight of Rox closing up her rig for the night had stopped him dead in his tracks.

He knew that he should just leave her be. That she obviously didn’t want anything to do with him. But he was a glutton for punishment when it came to her.

"I'm heading home if you wanna come." His words were soft as he stopped beside her.

He watched as she let out a sigh, her hands falling away from the ambulance’s door and resting at her sides.

"No thanks." She whispered.

"Okay.” He whispered back. “I'll see you tomorrow then." 

He really didn’t want to wait until tomorrow to see her.

He wanted to take her home and undress her slowly and spend the entire night reminding her just how much he loved and cherished her.

He wanted to fix whatever he had broken.

"Bye." She didn’t even bat an eyelash as she started to walk away from him.

He swallowed as tears came to his eyes.

She didn’t even put up a fight at the prospect of being away from him for the evening.

Normally she wasn’t one to like being alone at night.

"Rox, wait." He called after her and he watched as she stopped dead in her tracks.

He could see the fight and the will leave her body and it crushed him.

It was obvious that she didn’t want to make this better.

Not this time.

"What do you want Ethan?" Her question was soft as she turned to face him and he could see the ache in her eyes from whatever was torturing her.

"I really don't wanna go home to an empty bed.” And he didn’t. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and smother her with kisses and tell her over and over again how much he loved her. “Please come with me."

"No Ethan.” Her voice shook as she spoke and he knew the end was coming. “I need some time."

"Time for what?" He didn’t understand what she needed time for.

They had been fine yesterday.

In fact, they had been better than fine.

She had talked about dancing with him at their wedding.

She had held his hand and laughed at his corny jokes in front of his friends.

She had been naked and willing and falling apart underneath of him only twenty-four hours ago.

He didn’t understand how they had gone from that, to this.

"Time to process everything.” What was there to process? He didn’t understand what was going on. Where had he gone wrong? “I just... you can't keep treating me like a child and expecting everything to be okay."

"I'm not treating you like a child.” And he wasn’t, was he? He was worried about her. She was clearly struggling. And as her boyfriend, it was his job to help her through this. That’s how things worked. “I'm treating you like my girlfriend, who I'm very worried about."

"Well don't be.” She crossed her arms over her chest as she set her lips in a stern expression. He knew that she meant business and it scared him. “I'm fine."

"Your nightmares last night said otherwise." He knew he shouldn’t have brought them up, but they had scared him.

She had scared him.

He had never seen her so broken and afraid.

"I get them sometimes Ethan, you know this.” She huffed out her words as she rolled her eyes at him. “It's not that big of a deal."

Except it was a big deal.

A very big deal.

People didn’t have nightmares like that for no reason.

They didn’t scream and cry and thrash around in bed for hours on end over nothing.

"Well it is to me. You scared me last night. You wouldn't even let me hold you it was so bad.” The fact that she had pushed him away had been his breaking point. He just wanted to help her and he didn’t understand why she was making this so hard on them both. “I just want you to be okay. I don't want you to have to live with these things anymore. It isn't fair to you, or to me."

"Well then walk away if you don't like it." Her words were like a knife to the chest.

Did she really want him to just leave her?

Wasn’t that what she was used too? Wasn’t that what she had been afraid of this whole time?

That he would just up and leave her like every man had before?

"Rox, please..." He stepped toward her but she held a hand out defensively.

"No!” She shouted at him. “If you don't like it, leave! I don't need this!"

He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.

Had their relationship really meant so little to her?

They had been together almost six months. That was half a year.

Had he really just spent all that time for nothing?

"You're just looking for an excuse to break up aren't you?” Now he was mad and he could feel his blood boiling in his veins. “You want out so badly that you'll use whatever excuse you can find."

"It's not an excuse!" Her face was turning red and he could see her hands starting to shake as she waved them around in front of her.

He had crossed a line.

But then again, so had she.

"For once in your life Rox just be honest with me.” He dropped his head as he spoke. He didn’t want to see the look on her face when she answered him. “Do you want to break up?"

"I..." She hesitated, her voice trembling with the simple word.

"Do you?” He lifted his head despite his better judgement. He could see the heartbreak in her eyes. The way she was terrified of what was to come. “Because if you're not happy, if you want out, I'd rather end it now than continue to be dragged along.”

He didn’t want to waste another six months if she wasn’t invested.

If she wanted out, fine, he’d let her out.

He couldn’t, and wouldn’t, force her to be with him.

“I love you and I don't wanna lose you,” He felt the fight leave his own body, his shoulders slumping as he whispered, “but I can't continue to be the only one in this relationship putting forth any effort."

"I just think... I think maybe we need some space.” Her words made his heart stop. “Some time apart, to get ourselves together."

"You mean, you need some time apart? To get yourself together?” She was the one struggling with letting him in. She was the one who clearly needed to get herself together. But he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t let him help her do just that. “Because I'm already together and I'm fine and I know exactly what I want from you."

"Ethan, please, I'm tired.” He could see the exhaustion written on her face and for a second he felt bad for her. “Can we just agree to disagree on this and move on?"

"Do you want to breakup?" He asked the question again, his heart prepared for the worst.

"I..." And again, she hesitated.

"Do. You. Want. To. Break. Up?" He punctuated each word with a jab of his hand in her direction.

"I think it's for the best." She whispered.

He let out a growl, his heart sinking to his stomach, his eyes filling with tears.

"Fine.” He huffed out. “Have a nice life."

And with that he turned and walked away from her as fast as his legs would carry him.

She had broken him.

Into a thousand little pieces.

And she didn’t seem to care one bit.

"Ethan...!" He heard her calling his name from behind him, but he didn’t stop. "Ethan?"

He couldn’t stop.

He wouldn’t stop.

Because as bad as her nightmares may have been last night.

The ones he was going to have tonight were going to be way worse.


	23. Valentine’s Day or Bust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan just wants to drink beer and watch hockey, not discuss his lack of Valentine’s Day date with his father. Rox just wants to watch sappy movies and wallow, not listen to Emo’s list of reasons why she shouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I somehow managed to skip our favorite couples first Valentine’s Day together and I don’t know how. So, here, well, here’s Valentine’s Day.  
> **This is the longest chapter I’ve written so far so I hope you guys enjoy <3

Ethan had always disliked Valentine’s Day.

Not really for any reason either. He just didn’t like it.

He hadn’t celebrated it as a kid. 

He hadn’t celebrated it with Sarah or any of his girlfriends when he was younger.

Leanne hadn’t been big on it either.

And while he had gotten her flowers every year they had always wound up working on the ‘special’ day.

They always found a way to end the day together, regardless of the rest though.

Their first year together they had then taken part in a very serious make-out session on the roof at Angels.

Their second year together they had barely made it to her office before the clothing was shed.

Their third year together they had taken Ariel to dinner with them before returning to Leanne’s place.

They had both been relatively naked when Campbell had called them both back into work.

The string of cuss words that had left his mouth had been anything but romantic.

And then last year he had been without her for the first time in what felt like forever. 

Instead he had spent the day on some crazy run with Rox.

He had contemplated asking her out for dinner and drinks after that, but he hadn’t been able to get up the courage.

So that afternoon he had picked Ariel up from school and they went out for ice-cream. And then they had spent the evening on the beach, talking about anything and everything.

But this year, this year was supposed to be different.

"What are you doing home?" He heard his dad’s voice before he saw the man and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes at him.

"I live here..." It was officially his house now after all.

"Ethan..." He let out a groan as he fell back against the couch, his now empty beer bottle falling to the floor by his feet.

"Yes dad?" He really wasn't in the mood for his dad's crap right now.

Not after the day he had had.

Not after everything that had been floating around in his head since Sunday afternoon.

"It's Valentines Day." He rolled his eyes at the man's words, as if he could forget.

"Yes it is." He let his head fall back against the couch cushions as he eyed his father.

He stopped just inside the doorway to the living room and Ethan heard him let out a sigh.

"I thought you and Rox had plans." Of course he and Rox had had plans.

Plans that she had no idea about.

He had wanted to surprise her. A romantic dinner, a walk along the beach, an evening of love making they would surely never forget.

"We did." He had seriously contemplated asking her to marry him. Or to move in with him. Something big and extravagant. Something that would surely help her remember their first Valentine's Day together.

"And...?" And instead they were forced to be apart. 

"And what?" It was her doing though, so he just tried to suck it up as best as possible.

"Where is she?" He closed his eyes as he brought his hand up to rub at his temple.

He didn't know if this headache was a result of all the alcohol or the stress of the day, but either way, it was driving him insane.

"Don't know. Don't care." He shrugged his shoulders as he forced his eyes back open.

"Bullshit." He let out a chuckle at his dad's words.

"No. Not really." He grabbed another beer from the box on the table and opened it without a second thought.

"Ethan James..." He hated it when his dad used his full name in an attempt to scare him.

"Martin James..." But two could play at that game.

"Stop." His father's voice was stern and when he turned his head in his direction he could tell that the man meant business.

"Stop what?" However, he was just drunk enough to not care.

"Stop being an ass and talk to me." He raised an eyebrow at his father calling him an ass. The apple didn't fall too far from the tree now did it? "Where's Rox?"

"I don't know dad." He whispered.

"She's not coming over?" He shook his head back and forth.

He didn't understand what the man was confused about.

"No." She wasn't coming over.

Not tonight.

And probably never again.

"You're not celebrating together?" Sighing, Ethan pushed himself up a little, his eyes shifting back to the TV as he took a sip of his beer.

"Celebrating what?" Playing stupid was apparently his MO these days.

"Valentine's Day." He could hear the frustration and it made him smile.

His relationship with his father may have improved greatly over the past year, but he sometimes still took a lot of pride in being able to screw with him.

"What's there to celebrate?" He didn't know why they would be celebrating.

"Did you two break up?" His dad's question sent his mind for a spin.

"I don't know." Had they broken up? He wasn't entirely sure at this point.

"I thought she went to Jeff's wedding with you Saturday." As much fun as the wedding had been, he wanted to forget it all right now.

He wanted to forget the dancing and the laughing.

He wanted to forget the way her body had felt under his as they had made love that night.

"She did." He huffed out.

"How did it go?" He wanted to guess that his father was aware of the fact that it must not have gone too well.

"Fine." He whispered.

"So..." His dad's prodding was starting to piss him off.

And it was making his headache worse.

Neither of which were a good thing.

"So we had a huge fight dad. Like, major, okay?" He hated admitting that they had fought. Especially when he didn't even really know why. "I don't know where she is or what she's doing. All I know is that she isn't here with me and I hate it."

"What did you guys fight about?" Fuck he just wanted this conversation to end.

"I don't even know dad." He sighed before taking another large sip of his beer.

He wanted his dad to leave and he wanted him to do it now.

"Well you should try and make up." He rolled his eyes once more. "Spending Valentine's Day alone isn't good."

"I'm not alone dad, you're here." Ah, sarcasm, his favorite weapon in defense against the older man.

"How many beers have you had?" He supposed that the amount of alcohol he had consumed was probably contributing some to his snarkiness.

"Two." It has only been two right?

"And..." He didn't understand what else his father wanted to know.

"And...?" He shifted his attention to his beer bottle, staring down at it longingly.

"How much of that bottle of Jack Daniel's have you had?" He shifted eyes to the coffee table and toward the object in question. 

"Most." He had forgotten that thing was even there.

"Define most." He couldn't help but chuckle at his words but apparently his dad didn't find his laugher as amusing as he did.

"I'm not drunk dad." And he wasn't. "Not yet anyway."

"Ethan..." His dad's tone was full of warning and he let out a sigh as he shifted his eyes toward him.

"Look dad, I really just wanna be alone to drown my sorrows and wallow.” In reality, he just wanted to drink himself into oblivion and make the world around him disappear. “Now, you are more than welcome to join me, but I'd appreciate it if you saved the judgement for another night. Please."

"Okay okay. I'll stay and I won't judge.” His dad made his way toward the couch and plopped down in the space beside him. “On one condition."

"What?" He growled out.

"You turn off this ridiculous movie and put it on something worth watching." He rolled his eyes at his father’s words.

There was nothing wrong with what he was watching.

"There's nothing else on." And it was true. He had spent the better part of an hour flipping channels trying to find something to watch. 

"Have you bothered to look?" He sighed at his dad’s question, of course he had bothered to look.

"Yes. There isn't even a hockey game on.” He knew he couldn’t expect baseball in February, and he wasn’t really into basketball. But he would have settled for hockey. At least then he might have been able to watch two guys beat the shit out of each other. “Nothing. It's almost like they figure everyone has better things to do tonight."

"Well they..." He shot his dad a glare as he spoke.

"Don't finish that sentence dad." He really didn’t need his father’s input right now.

"Fine. Give me the remote though. And a beer.” He held both his hands out and gave Ethan a look. “If you're gonna drown your sorrows you're not gonna do it alone."

Ethan let out a soft huff before obliging the older man, placing a beer in one hand and the remote in the other.

He was surprisingly thankful that he wasn’t alone tonight.

Although he much rather would have had Roxane for company.

\--

Roxane hated Valentine’s Day.

Absolutely, fucking, hated it.

She had never liked the holiday. Not even as a little girl. And she especially hated it as an adult.

However, she was hoping this year would be different.

She was expecting Ethan to plan something sweet and romantic. Something that would make their first Valentine’s Day together super memorable.

But then they had fought after the wedding and she had pushed him away and here they were.

Apart, on the most romantic day of the year, and she hated it.

"Roxane!” She heard Emo’s voice before she saw her and she let out a groan as she heard the older woman make her way into the house. “Are you home?"

"Yes." She hollered back.

She didn’t know why the woman was here, but she already wanted her to go.

"What are you doing here Rox?" Her question was shocking, where else was she supposed to be?

"This is my house?" She was confused by Emo’s confusion.

"It's Valentine's Day." She gave the older woman a look as she rounded the corner.

"So?” She didn’t understand what that had to with anything.

"So... I'm surprised you're not with Ethan." She let out a sigh, she was surprised too.

"Why would I be with Ethan?" But she wasn’t going to show it.

"Because he's your boyfriend...” The older woman rolled her eyes at her and she huffed, “and you two are fucking obsessed with each other."

"Emo! Language!" It wasn’t like the older woman to cuss and she was caught off guard by the use of the ‘f word’ coming from her.

"Well it's true." She rolled her eyes, it most certainly was not true.

"No it's not Emo." They weren’t obsessed with each other.

At least not anymore anyway.

"Yes it is." Emo placed her hands on her hips and let out a sigh.

"No!" Rox practically screamed back and she watched as Emo’s shoulders slumped.

She never got angry at her. Ever.

She had to have known that something was up.

"Okay, either way, why aren't you with him?" She let her head fall back against the couch as she closed her eyes.

"Because I'm not." She really didn’t want to get into details. No matter how close she was with Emo, this was something she didn’t really want to discuss with anyone.

"That's a horrible excuse." She knew it was, but she didn’t care.

"What do you want me to say?" Shrugging her shoulders she turned her attention back to the other woman, raising an eyebrow at the perturbed look on her face.

"The truth." She said softly.

"Truth is, I'm not with him.” She still didn’t want to talk about it. No matter how sympathetic Emo tried to make herself look. “End of discussion."

"No. No end of discussion.” She stepped further into the room and let her eyes wander around the small place. “It's Valentines Day, you two should be together."

"Why?" She didn’t understand what the big deal was.

"Did you two breakup?" Her heart suddenly stopped in her chest.

"I don't know." She didn’t know if they had broken up, but that’s certainly what it felt like right now.

"Did you two have a fight?" Sighing she closed her eyes once more.

"I don't know." Yes, they had definitely had a fight.

About what she didn’t quite know.

"Roxane Grace!" The use of her full name caused her to turn her attention back around.

She hated it when Emo used her full name against her.

"Jaelyn Grace!" But then again, she could do the same.

She hadn’t been named after the woman for nothing.

"Are you drunk?" She chuckled at Emo’s question.

Drunk? Her? Never.

"No." She whispered.

"How many beers have you had?" She shrugged her shoulders.

She didn’t even care at this point.

"One.” She looked down at the bottle in her hand and sighed. “And a half."

"And that bottle of Malibu? It was full last night." She had completely forgotten about the bottle sitting on the coffee table next to the six pack of beer.

"Well it's not anymore." She was snarky when she drank and she kind of liked it.

"I swear..." Emo moved closer to the couch and shot her a look that could surely kill if it was possible.

"I'm not drunk Emo.” She said softly. “Please. Just leave."

"No such luck.” She moved to sit beside her on the couch and Rox let out a sigh. She really, really just wanted to be left alone. “If you're gonna drown your sorrows and wallow I'm not gonna let you do it alone."

"Then sit down and be quiet,” She shot Emo a glare of her own, “because I'm trying to watch this."

"This movie is horrible." Rox rolled her eyes at the older woman, she never did have a good taste in movies.

"Well it's the only thing on TV so hush." That part was so true too. She had spent almost an hour trying to find something to watch and this was the only thing that sounded remotely interesting.

"Give me the remote." Emo extended her hand in her direction and she huffed.

"No." She most certainly wasn’t going to give up control of the TV.

Not tonight of all nights.

"I'm leaving then." The older woman crossed her arms over her chest and Rox plopped back against the couch cushions.

"Fine." She whined.

"Roxane..." Emo’s hand was still extended and there was still no remote in it.

"Fine, here.” She placed the remote in the woman’s hands and huffed. “Just please, whatever you do, don't put in hockey."

She knew that Ethan liked hockey and the last thing she needed was another reminder of him.

Not tonight of all nights.

Maybe not ever again.

\--

Ethan had just finished his fifth beer when his dad had finally settled on a hockey game that had just started.

He had let out a sigh of relief when the older man finally relaxed back against the couch, his third beer of the night cradled in his hands.

He was hoping that this meant he would finally get some peace and quiet so that he could relax.

"So you and Rox huh?" He should have known his father would award him no such thing.

"What about us?" He sighed. He didn’t want to talk about Rox.

Not now.

Maybe not ever again.

"You broke up?" He closed his eyes at his father’s question.

Hadn’t they already been over this?

"I thought we'd been over this dad.” He huffed out. “Yes, we broke up."

"Why?" If only he knew.

"Don't know." He shrugged his shoulders.

"Did she cheat on you?" He could feel his dad’s eyes on him and he reluctantly turned his attention to the older man.

"God I hope not." He prayed that Rox had done no such thing.

He didn’t peg her for that kind of girl.

He knew that she was used to ‘playing the field’, as the saying went, but he also knew that she had never been in a committed relationship before.

He hoped that she wasn’t stupid enough to cheat on him.

"Did you cheat on her?" He wanted to slap his father for that question.

"Fuck no." How in the world his father could insinuate such a thing made him furious.

He would never, not in a million years, cheat on Roxane.

He loved her entirely too much to even fathom such a thing.

"Is she pregnant?" He hadn’t even thought of that.

"Why would we break up if she was pregnant?" But he didn’t know why they would have broken up because of that.

Unless she was scared of getting hurt again.

If that was the case, he would totally understand her wanting to run from him.

"I don't know." His dad shrugged his shoulders as he turned his attention back to the TV. "You didn't ask her to marry you did you?" 

His dad’s question sent his head spinning.

"No dad." He hadn’t asked her, yet. 

But he had certainly been contemplating it.

"Is she jealous over Leanne again?" God he hoped not.

He was so tired of having that fight with Rox.

She had to know by now that he and Leanne were not getting back together.

"I don't know dad." She had to know, right?

"You don't know a whole lot of anything right now do you?" He chuckled at his dad’s question.

He didn’t know a whole lot of anything anymore.

He both hated and enjoyed it.

"I've had 5 beers and half a bottle of whiskey,” He shot his dad a curious look, “you tell me."

"Drunk." Martin muttered out, followed by a chuckle.

"You're not that far behind me old man.” Ethan tilted his beer in his father’s direction and he couldn’t help but laugh when the older man rolled his eyes at him. “And you've been here half as long as I have."

"I can't believe you two aren't together right now." He couldn’t believe it either, but it was what it was.

She didn’t want to be with him anymore and that was fine.

He would move on and he would be okay.

He was a big boy.

"I wouldn't be much for company now would I?" He hoped that his dad would take that as a hint to finally leave him the hell alone.

"I like you just fine." But apparently it wasn’t enough of a clue for him to get lost.

"Thanks dad." He huffed out.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Ethan slowly drinking his sixth beer, Martin giving in and opening his fourth.

He hoped that his dad would just leave him alone at this point.

Clearly he wasn’t in the mood for talking.

"So what are you gonna do now?" But then it became obvious to Ethan that while alcohol made him quiet, it apparently made his father talkative.

"What do you mean?" He didn’t understand his father’s question.

Right now he was gonna finish drowning his sorrows in beer and whiskey.

Then he was going to pass out, maybe upstairs in his bed, but more than likely right here on the couch.

And in the morning, he would drag his hungover ass to work.

End of story.

"Are you gonna date again?” He rolled his eyes at his father’s question. What was he, sixteen? “Stay single?"

"I don't know." He didn’t know what he was going to do to be honest.

Part of him wanted to go out and get laid just because he felt so shitty about himself.

But that wasn’t him and they both knew it.

"Maybe you and Leanne can get back together." He growled at his dad’s suggestion.

He and Leanne were never going to be a couple again.

No matter how badly his dad and Ariel wanted it to happen.

"That's never gonna happen dad." They had been through too much.

There was too much baggage in that department.

"Why not? You two loved each other didn't you?" He sighed as his heart fluttered in his chest.

"Yes." Of course he had loved her.

They had spent two and a half years together as a couple and had been friends for almost five.

They had lived together.

They had a daughter together.

He had loved her more than anything.

But that had been then, and this was now, and the things that had happened between them were too much for him to bear.

They would never get back together, of that he was certain.

"And that kid of yours, she needs you two." He damn well knew that Ariel needed them.

She told them all the time.

But he also knew that they had both talked to her multiple times about how they weren’t going to get their happily ever after like she wanted them too.

"We haven't gone anywhere dad." Ariel still had them, they were both right there in front of her.

"You guys were a cute couple." He chuckled at his dad’s words.

His dad had barely known them as a couple, save for a few ‘family’ dinners that Robbie had talked them into having before he passed away.

He didn’t know where his father got that perception from.

"I'm incredibly uncomfortable with how this conversation is going." He really just wanted this line of questioning to end.

He had never felt comfortable discussing his relationships with his dad in the past.

That certainly wasn’t going to change now.

"Just saying." Martin shrugged his shoulders as he took a sip from his beer.

"Well, stop." Ethan’s head was starting to hurt again and he was fairly certain that his father was the main reason for his discomfort at this point.

"Good argument Ethan." He felt like he was fighting with a small child at this point.

"I'm tired, dad." He groaned out.

In reality, he could probably keep going for another few hours, but he hoped his dad would be discouraged by his words and would move on with his life.

"Go to bed, son." He tilted his beer in his direction as he shot him a smile.

"I can't." He huffed out.

"And why is that?" His father raised an eyebrow at him.

"Because I can't get up." And he couldn’t.

He was fairly certain that he had sunk so far down into the couch cushions that they would have to just burry him there.

"Admit it, you're drunk." His dad chuckled at him as he tried to push himself into a better sitting position.

"I'm... tipsy." He was most certainly far past tipsy.

"You're drunk." He was most certainly drunk.

"Shut up." But he didn’t want to admit that to his father.

"Speaking of Ariel..." He shot his dad a look as he dropped his now empty beer bottle onto the table.

"We weren't speaking of Ariel." They hadn’t been talking about Ariel, had they?

"Where is she tonight?" He blinked at his father’s question.

How was he supposed to know where she was?

She was with Leanne until Friday night and he did his best, per Leanne’s request, to not worry about how Leanne handled things when she was with her.

"At home I hope.” He was pretty sure she was at home. That was where Leanne had said she would be anyway. “Probably doing homework."

"No date for her?" He didn’t even want to think about his little girl going on a date.

Nope. Not at all.

After everything that happened with Max last year he was perfectly fine with his daughter swearing off boys for a while like she had promised she would.

He couldn’t stand to see her get her heart broken once more.

"Not that I'm aware of." He knew that if she had had one though he would have been the first to know.

They were insanely close like that.

It often pissed Leanne off to know that he was closer to the girl in some aspects than she was.

There were days where he took great pride in that fact.

"Interesting." He rolled his eyes at his dad’s comment.

What did he care if Ariel was out on a date or not?

He was just as protective of the girl as he was.

Surely he wouldn’t have been okay with it, even if there was nothing he could do about it.

"Goodbye dad." He growled out.

"I can't drive home Ethan." He knew that. His dad was already done with his fourth beer.

There was no way the man was driving home after all that.

"Then go down the hall and go to bed." But maybe he would at least leave him alone and go sleep in the guest room.

Or Ariel’s room for that matter.

He didn’t care, as long as he was away from him.

"Fine." Martin huffed out, pushing himself up and off the couch.

"Goodnight dad." He dragged out, watching as his dad waved at him as he made his way down the hall.

"Goodnight Ethan." He called back.

Ethan let out a sigh as he turned his attention back to the TV screen.

This was most certainly not how he had planned on spending his evening.

\--

Rox was exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.

She just wanted to sleep, for days on end, and to be honest, part of her never wanted to wake up.

But instead of sleeping the night away like she had planned she was stuck sitting here with Emo watching some old black and white movie that she had never heard of.

It most certainly was not how she imagined spending her Valentine’s Day night.

“So… you and Ethan?” Emo’s question shook her from her thoughts and she let out a sigh.

“What about me and Ethan?” She didn’t know why she was so interested in their relationship all of a sudden.

Or better yet, their lack of relationship at this point.

“Why’d you break up?” She watched as Emo turned her attention toward her and she sighed.

“I don’t know Emo.” She really had no clue what exactly had transpired between them.

All she knew was that they weren’t talking to each other.

She was pretty sure it was all her fault too.

But she certainly wasn’t going to admit that to Emo.

“You don’t know?” She rolled her eyes as the older woman raised an eyebrow.

“No, I don’t know.” She just wanted her to leave her alone. “Can we please not talk about this?”

“He didn’t cheat on you did he?” Her heart stopped in her chest at her question.

There was no way that Ethan would ever do something like that.

Was there?

“No. Why?” She sat up straighter on the couch and turned her whole body toward the older woman. “Have you heard something?”

“No! No, Rox, he would never.” She sure hoped that he wouldn’t do that to her. But then again, she felt like she didn’t really know him all that well anymore. “It was just a question.”

“Oh. Okay.” Rox sighed as she leaned back against the couch cushions once more, her eyes closing as she tried to ground herself.

“You didn’t cheat on him did you?” She huffed at Emo’s question.

“No Emo. I would never.” She may have been a bit of a ‘player’ before Ethan, but not now.

She was either with him, or with no one, of that much she was certain.

“Wait a minute, you’re not pregnant are you?” Her eyes snapped open at the older woman’s question.

Where in the world would she get a crazy idea like that?

“What?! No!” She shouted back. “Why would you think that?”

“Just curious.” Emo’s excuse was lame, she knew that Rox couldn’t get pregnant.

She didn’t know why she would even bring that up.

“No. I’m not pregnant Emo.” She sighed. She was trying her best to keep her tears at bay. “You know I can’t…”

“I’m sorry I said anything Rox, really.” Emo’s face said it all.

She was sorry, very sorry and Rox could tell that she felt bad for bringing it up.

“It’s fine.” She whispered.

“So you broke up…” Rox slapped her hand against her forehead.

Why couldn’t this conversation just freaking end already?

“Yes.” She growled out.

“Do you wanna get back together?” Of course she wanted to get back together with Ethan.

Not that she would admit that out loud to anyone.

Not even him.

“I don’t know.” She said softly.

“Do you still love him?” Of course she still loved him!

She loved him more than anything in this world and her heart was breaking being away from him.

“I don’t know.” But she had made the choice to fight with him and he had made the choice to walk away from her and not look back.

“You’re real chatty tonight love.” She rolled her eyes once more.

Of course she wasn’t real chatty.

She was drunk. And heartbroken.

What about that situation screamed chatty?

“Well the three beers and the half a bottle of Malibu aren’t exactly making me feel that great.” She wasn’t normally one to drown her sorrows in alcohol, but tonight, it just seemed appropriate.

“You don’t wanna wallow?” No she didn’t want to wallow. “Talk it out? Cry it out?”

“No Emo.” She didn’t want to do any of those things.

She wanted to drink until she couldn’t think straight and then she wanted to pass out.

End of story.

“What are you gonna do?” She didn’t understand Emo’s question. “Are you gonna date someone else?”

“You know I don’t date.” Of course she wasn’t going to date someone else.

She didn’t date. Anyone. Ever. Period.

“You dated Ethan.” She let out a sigh as she sank even further into the couch.

“Ethan was… special.” She mumbled out.

Ethan was more than just special.

Ethan was…

She didn’t even know what he was.

But he had been her everything.

“You miss him don’t you?” Emo’s question sent her heart into a panic.

“Of course I miss him Emo.” She whispered. “He was my best-friend.”

“He’s not your best-friend anymore?” She didn’t even know what he was to her anymore, but she was certain that he didn’t want to be her best-friend anymore.

“He doesn’t need me.” She felt her heart breaking in her chest at her own words.

“This isn’t about Leanne again is it?” Rox didn’t understand why everyone always assumed that her issues with Ethan stemmed from his relationship with Leanne.

“No! Would you stop with the Leanne bullshit?” She wished everyone would just stop making this about the other woman. It wasn’t always jealousy that got her in such a tizzy. “It’s not about Leanne!”

“Then what?” Emo didn’t even miss a beat when Rox screamed at her.

“Nothing Emo.” She sighed. “Please, just, leave it be.”

“Is he going back to her?” How would she know what Ethan’s intentions were?

“I don’t know.” It’s not like he would tell her if he was or not. “It’s really none of my business.”

“Yes it is.” The older woman crossed her arms over her chest and shot her a dirty look. “That would be the ultimate betrayal right there.”

“It’s his life.” She huffed out. “He can do whatever the hell he wants.”

“He’d be stupid to go back to her.” Yes, yes he would.

But if that was what he wanted than she was powerless to stop him.

“He loved her Emo.” In fact, she was about 110% certain that he still loved her. “They have a kid together. It’s not stupid.”

“Stupid.” Emo sighed as she fell back against the couch cushions.

The older woman seemed to be taking their breakup worse than she was.

“Please, just, stop.” She just wanted to stop worrying about it.

It was over and done with and she just wanted to move on.

“I mean it Rox. This isn’t fair.” She knew it wasn’t fair.

Nothing about this situation was fair.

“Life isn’t fair.” But she knew she couldn’t do anything about it.

“You can’t tell me you don’t miss him.” Hadn’t she already admitted that she missed him?

Hadn’t they already been over this nonsense?

“Yes Emo! I miss him like fucking crazy and it hurts okay?” She was shouting now. Loud and overstated and her throat burned with the words she said. “It hurts not having him here with me. It hurts not being able to call him and talk to him about my day. It hurts not falling asleep in his arms at night. But it is what is. We broke up. End of story.”

“Roxane…” She could tell that she had crossed a line, that she had gone to far. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Part of her felt bad for screaming at the older woman.

But then again, part of her just wanted this nightmare to end.

“It’s fine. I’m going to bed.” She pushed herself up and off the couch and headed toward her bedroom.

“Please no, stay.” She stopped when Emo laid a hand on her arm gently. “We can stay up and talk. I’ve got a bottle of wine in the car. We can open it, watch another sappy movie.”

“No. I just… I just wanna go to bed.” She felt the tears starting to roll down her cheeks and she hated it. She hated that she had broken. “You can stay if you want. Or don’t. But I’m gonna go get some sleep.”

“Okay. I’ll be here if you need me honey.” Emo squeezed her arm softly, offering her a smile as she tried to convey to her that she was indeed there for her if that’s what she needed.

Rox knew that she had the best of intentions.

But right now, it wasn’t good intentions that she needed.

“Goodnight Emo.” She whispered.

“Goodnight Rox.” Emo whispered back.

And then she was letting her legs carry her toward her bedroom.

Her heart and her head both pounding wildly.

She really, really hated Valentine’s Day.


	24. Martin Knows Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin wasn’t happy with the way things were going in his son’s love life, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Ethan had spent the past two weeks barely hanging on.

And by barely hanging on, he meant it.

He had been calling out of work more so than not.

And he had spent his night’s getting wasted. Sometimes at home. Sometimes at the local bar.

But he hadn’t ended a night sober since Rox had ended things.

And he certainly didn’t want too.

He missed her. More than he thought possible. And every fiber of his being ached at her loss.

He had stopped taking calls and texts.

He had yelled at Leanne, telling her she was being selfish.

For what reason, he still didn’t understand.

He had pushed Ariel away, shutting her out and refusing to spend time with her.

Yet again, for a reason he didn’t understand.

He had even stopped dealing with his father.

Choosing to change the locks on the house and ignore his phone calls.

He knew he was being stupid.

He knew he was being childish.

But he had had enough.

And he just wanted it all to be over.

He wanted Rox back or he wanted nothing at all.

—

Exactly two weeks after their fight in the ambulance bay his dad had shown up at the house and refused to leave.

He had stayed on the front porch until Ethan had finally given in and pushed the front door open.

He hadn’t bothered to say a word to the older man.

Instead, he had returned to his spot on the couch, his fourth beer of the night still in his hand as he absentmindedly watched the hockey game playing on the TV in front of him.

He didn’t even know who was playing or what the score was.

It was simply just there for background noise.

To make his small, empty house feel not so small and empty now that Rox’s laughter wasn’t filling it’s walls.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” His father’s question startled him.

It’s not that he didn’t expect it.

He knew his father was pissed at him for his behavior.

He knew that he was pushing the man away and he didn’t deserve it one bit.

“Nothing.” He huffed.

He really didn’t want to talk right now.

Instead he wanted to finish the twelve pack of beer he had bought on the way home from work.

He wanted to fall into bed barely breathing and wake up so hungover that everything hurt.

“Bullshit.” His father slammed the front door shut as he made his way into the living room.

His eyes snapped up from the TV screen and he let out a sigh when he saw the look on his dad’s face.

While Martin was obviously angry with him, he looked more worried than anything else.

“I’m fine dad.” He was fine. Totally, fucking, fine.

He just wished everyone would let him deal with this his own way.

He didn’t need their help. He didn’t need their support.

He just needed to move the fuck on with his life.

“Ethan James, I swear to God…” His father got that look in his eyes that he used to get when Ethan was a kid. The look that said he was in trouble and probably about to get his tail whooped for whatever wrong he had done.

“Whaaat daaad?” He wasn’t even drunk, so why he was acting like a complete idiot he didn’t understand.

“What the hell is going on with you?” His dad’s shoulder’s slumped as he moved further into the room.

Seeing his dad throw in the towel was something Ethan wasn’t used too.

He knew he was in for a fight if he kept it up.

“Nothing’s wrong with me dad.” He closed his eyes as he slouched back against the couch cushions, draining the last of his beer as he tried to calm his nerves.

“You’re self-destructing Ethan and it isn’t okay.” His father’s words made his head spin.

Who said anything about self-destructing?

He wasn’t self-destructing.

He was self-medicating, yes. 

But he was fine. Just, fucking, fine.

“I’m fine dad.” He opened his eyes and gave the man the fakest smile he could manage. “I’ve just got a lot going on.”

And he did.

Have a lot going on that was.

“I haven’t seen Rox around lately.” His dad’s words were like a bullet to the chest.

He couldn’t stand to hear her name.

The simple thought of her broke him in two.

“Nope.” He closed his eyes once more, willing himself not to cry.

Not here. Not now.

And certainly not in front of his father.

“Trouble in paradise?” His father had to know that they had broken up.

He had to be aware of the situation at hand.

If last week’s conversation on Valentine’s Day hadn’t told him what he needed to know Ethan would be worried.

“There’s no more paradise dad.” Simply saying those words made him tear up and he swallowed.

He didn’t want to fall apart in front of the older man.

He just wanted to be left alone to drown his sorrows in his own way.

“You’re kidding?” So apparently his father didn’t know of their breakup. He was shocked. He was sure that everyone knew by now. “You two broke up? Why?”

“She wanted space.” He shrugged his shoulders.

He honestly didn’t know why they had broken up.

Her reasons didn’t make any sense to him.

Not after everything they had been through at least.

“And you gave it to her?” There was a hint of disappointment in his words and Ethan felt like a ton of bricks had been dropped on him.

He was used to disappointing his father.

It was apparently what he was best at.

“Not like I had much choice.” He wasn’t going to fight with Rox anymore over the issue. If she wanted out, he was going to let her. “She pretty much just walked right on out of my life.”

In reality, it had been him that walked away.

But his father didn’t need to know the specifics.

It’s not like they mattered at this point anyway.

“That doesn’t sound like Rox.” Actually, it sounded just like Rox. Or at least, the Rox she had been before they had gotten together. He thought that he had been changing her for the better. He thought that he had been helping her. “Did something happen between you two? Did you fight or something?”

“I worried about her.” But he guessed that he was wrong to make those assumptions.

“You worried about her?” His dad’s voice echoed his exact thoughts.

It was crazy that she wanted to break up simply because he cared.

“Yep. And apparently I’m not allowed to do that.” He shrugged his shoulders before pushing himself up and off the couch, his legs carrying him toward the kitchen. “So she left.”

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m confused.” That made two of them.” She broke up with you because you worried about her?”

“Yeah.” He barely got the words out.

Simply acknowledging that they were no longer together was killing him.

He grabbed another beer from the fridge before slamming the door shut.

He shot daggers at his father from across the small space.

He really just wanted to be left alone.

“That makes no sense at all.” He was glad that he wasn’t the only one who thought so.

“You’re telling me.” He whispered.

It didn’t make sense to him why they were even in the position they were in in the first place.

Things had been fine at the wedding.

He didn’t understand what had made her crack that evening.

“When was the last time you talked to her?” He didn’t even want to think about it.

“Two weeks ago.” They hadn’t spoken since he walked away from her in the ambulance bay.

Not a phone call. Not a text. Not a carrier pigeon in sight.

“What about work?” His father must have realized the severity of the situation.

He must have known that two weeks was more than normal for them.

“She asked to be reassigned.” In fact, she had told her boss, and Campbell, in no uncertain terms that she wanted Ethan gone or she was quitting. He had been removed from ride-along duty and had spent what little time he actually bothered to go to work in the ER. “We’ve crossed paths a few times, but she hasn’t said a word.”

“That’s crazy.” Crazy was understatement at this point.

“I know dad.” He knew exactly how stupid this sounded.

He couldn’t believe it himself actually.

“You need to get her back.” He rolled his eyes as he made his way back to the couch.

There was no way in hell that was going to happen.

“I wish I knew how.” He plopped down on the couch as he took a swig from the now open bottle of beer.

He just wanted to drown his sorrows and forget this whole mess even existed.

“Let me talk to her.” He shook his head back and forth violently.

“No dad. Please don’t do that.” That was the worst idea his dad had ever had.

“Ethan, I can help.” He doubted that.

No one could help him.

Not Leanne. Not Ariel.

And certainly not his dad.

“Dad, it’s fine. If she wants out, she wants out.” He just wanted to drop the subject and go back to his wallowing. “I’m not gonna keep her here. It’ll just make things worse if I force her to stay in a relationship that she doesn’t want to be in.”

“But Ethan…” He knew his father just wanted to help.

He knew that he probably hated seeing them broken up.

He had been the one to comment on how much they needed each other.

He knew how badly they loved one another.

But it wasn’t his dad’s place.

“No dad.” He could feel his blood starting to boil. He didn’t want intervention from anyone. “Leave it be.”

“I can’t just sit by and watch you fall apart like this son.” The pain in his father’s words startled him.

He had never heard his dad sound so concerned before.

At least not when it came to him.

“I’ll be fine dad.” He whispered. “I just need some time to figure out what I want to do.”

“What do you mean?” His dad moved further into the living room, stopping right next to the couch.

His eyes shifted to the fireplace beside them.

The place where Robbie’s body had been found.

The place where Robbie had decided that he had finally had enough.

“I just…” He closed his eyes.

He had contemplated taking his life before. Especially after he lost Robbie.

But Leanne had brought him out of that hole.

She had dug him out and saved his life and he owed her everything.

But now.

Well now he wondered if he was just better off joining his brother.

“Don’t you even think about it Ethan James.” His father’s voice cracked as he spoke and when he turned his attention toward the man he could see the tears in his eyes. “I’ve already lost one son, I’m not losing another.”

He shook his head back and forth as he drowned the rest of his beer.

“Might be for the best.” He whispered.

“Bullshit.” Martin spat back. “Bull, fucking, shit.”

He could hear the pain and anger in his words.

The way he was trying his best to not get violent with the way he spoke to him.

“It would…” He couldn’t finish his sentence because his head was too fuzzy.

He didn’t know if it was the beer or the conversation, or maybe a combination of both, but something was making it very hard to focus.

“It wouldn’t be anything but tragic!” His father moved to stand in front of him then, knocking the empty bottle from his hands. “And if you do that to me, I will never forgive you.”

He let out a sigh.

He didn’t understand how this had become about him all of a sudden.

“Dad, please…” He just wanted this to be over.

The conversation. The heartache. The disappointment. Everything.

Losing Rox had taken everything from him.

“Think about that little girl of yours Ethan.” His head snapped up at his father’s words. How dare he bring Ariel into this. “Think about her mother. You really want to do that to them?”

He knew that it would destroy them both if he ever did anything like that.

Hell, if they even knew that he had thought about it it would kill them both.

“Think about Roxane.” Tears sprang to his eyes instantly. He wished his father would have left her out of this. “You honestly think she would be able to handle losing you like that?”

“She doesn’t want me anymore dad.” He whispered. “She doesn’t love me. She wouldn’t care.”

“She would care Ethan!” His father shouted. “She would care and it would destroy her! She loves you, more than anything in this world. And I refuse to believe that this stupid little fight between you two is enough to convince you otherwise.”

“She wanted out dad.” And she had. She was the one who had broken up with him. He never wanted to let her go. But she didn’t want the same thing and he couldn’t force her to. “She’s the one who walked out. She doesn’t care about me. I honestly doubt she ever really did.”

He didn’t believe those words.

Not for a goddamn second.

But it made it easier to think about their subsequent break up if he convinced himself that she just didn’t love him at all.

“Whatever you say son.” His dad threw his hands in the air and walked away, his back staying turned toward him as he ran a hand over his head. “This entire thing is bullshit and you know it. You two need to talk and you need to do it soon.”

He let out a chuckle.

It was kind of hard to talk to someone who ignored you twenty-four seven.

“Right dad.” He rolled his eyes as he spoke. “I’ll get right on that.”

“You’re pathetic Ethan.” His father turned toward him and shot him a look that surely could have killed if that’s what they were meant for. “You’re stupid and pathetic and you’re acting like a fucking child.” If he had been two or three beers less into the evening he may have stood up and took a swing at the old man, but he was far more tipsy than he thought. “You need to get your head out of your ass and stop being so damn selfish.”

“Me? Selfish?” He was pissed now and he pushed himself into a standing position. “I’m not the one being selfish!”

“Yes you are!” He got ready to move forward when his father stuck a hand out. He knew what that meant. He knew that it was in his best interest to stay put. “You’re pushing everyone away and we’re just trying to help you!”

“I don’t need help!” He knew that was a lie. He needed help. Lots of it. He just wouldn’t admit it out loud.

“Yes you do son.” His father’s statement was softer than he expected. “You need help. And if you refuse to let Leanne help you and you continue to push your own daughter away and you continue to shut me out, you’re going to wind up all alone.” He was perfectly fine with that to be honest. “And then what?”

“Than maybe I can finally be happy!” He knew that was bullshit too. He wasn’t happy being all alone. In fact, he was miserable. He missed Leanne and he missed Ariel and he missed his father. He missed Rox and Emo. He missed everyone. But he knew that it was best for them all if he just kept to himself and shut them all out. He would only hurt them if they stayed.

“I don’t believe that.” His father whispered. 

“Well that’s your choice dad.” He fell back onto the couch with a huff, his eyes filling with tears as he did his best to control his breathing.

This entire conversation had made him feel weak and overwhelmed.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this way.

Maybe when Robbie died.

Maybe never.

All he knew was that he hated it.

“You do what you want Ethan.” His dad turned back toward the door then, his shoulders slouching forward as he took a deep breath. “Just please don’t do something stupid.” His dad stopped as he reached for the door, turning back toward him with tear filled eyes. “I’ve already lost one son, I couldn’t handle losing you too.”

And then he was crossing the threshold and the door was closing behind him.

Ethan let out a shaky breath when he heard his father’s truck pull out of the drive.

He let his head fall back against the cushions as the tears poured from his eyes.

He had never meant for any of this to happen.

He had never wanted to hurt anyone.

But losing Rox had taken so much from him.

So much more than he could have ever imagined.

And he was broken beyond repair because of it.


	25. the Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox may have been mad at Ethan for treating her like a child, but when she finds out he’s been hurt, the only thing she wants is to make him better.

Rox hadn’t spoken to Ethan in two weeks.

Not since he had walked away from her in the ambulance bay.

Not since she had yelled at him about being treated like a child.

She still couldn’t believe that they had broken up.

That they had ended things right then and there.

It blew her mind that she had been so willing to walk away from him.

But it had blown her mind even more that he hadn’t put up too much of a fight.

She knew that he was going through something. She could tell it by the way he had handled the whole situation. But she didn’t know what exactly was plaguing him.

And then there had been the rumors she’d been hearing around Angels.

And the worried texts she had been getting from Martin and Leanne.

Everyone knew about their break-up at this point.

And everyone seemed to have an opinion about what they should do in order to get back together.

Martin especially.

And it was starting to worry her.

It’s not that he hadn’t seemed to care about them before.

But he all of a sudden was very concerned with the state of their relationship.

Or lack thereof.

And it scared her.

As if on cue she saw the older man’s truck pull into her drive and she let out a sigh.

She really just wanted to be left alone at this point.

“Martin!” She moved out onto the porch as he exited the vehicle and she could see the pain and worry in his eyes. Something had happened. Something bad. And she was terrified to know what it was. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Is Ethan okay?”

“No. No he’s not.” His shoulders were slumped as he made his way up the walkway. “But I came to talk to you.”

“About what?” She was hesitant to ask for details about Ethan’s well being. 

“About this ‘breakup’ between you two.” He still refused to accept that they were apart.

Not that she had fully accepted it either.

“Martin...” She didn’t want to fight with him right now.

She didn’t want to fight with anyone about the matter.

Not anymore.

She just wanted to move on and forget it all happened.

“Now, hear me out here Rox.” He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and Rox was reminded of just how much alike he and Ethan really were. “I think this is the stupidest idea either one of you have ever had. You’re madly in love with each other, why in the world would you call it quits now?”

“I can’t do it.” She whispered.

In reality, she didn’t know why she had called it quits.

She just had.

And once she had started on that downward spiral, she hadn’t been able to look back.

“Can’t do what?” The frustration was clear in his voice and she let out a sigh.

“I can’t be in a relationship with him.” That was bullshit and she knew it. “He’s crowding me, he’s too overprotective and I feel like I’m constantly being watched like a hawk.”

“Oh please Roxane, that’s bullshit and we both know it.” Apparently Martin knew her better than she thought. “What’s really going on here? Was he getting too close? To emotionally invested?”

“He’s too worried about me and he needs to stop.” It’s not that she didn’t mind a little bit of worry from him, but he had gotten out of hand.

And he had gotten too close.

The wedding talk. The baby talk. Everything that had happened between them in the past two months. It had just been too much.

She wasn’t ready for this and he knew it.

Yet he didn’t back down.

“Rox that man is going to worry about you until the day they put his body in the ground.” She felt a shiver go through her at his words. She knew that Ethan loved her more than anything. She had stopped trying to deny that. But she didn’t think it was fair for him to be with her when she couldn’t give him what he wanted. “It doesn’t matter how long you two have been apart or together, he’s always going to love you. And nothing is going to change that.”

“I just wish he would give me a little space sometimes.” Except for right now. Because whether she wanted to admit it or not, she just wanted him back in her arms. “Stop asking so many questions.”

“He asks out of love my dear.” That, she already knew.

But yet again, she had a hard time accepting it.

“Well it’s annoying.” It was annoying, but she had heard from Leanne and Ariel that that was just who he was. He loved you way too much or not at all. “Sometimes I feel like he loves a little too much.”

“That’s just who Ethan is. He either loves you all the way or not at all.” She was surprised when Martin echoed the words she had heard from the two girls. It must have been a serious trait of Ethan’s for even his father to know exactly what it was. “He’s always been like that. It’s not something that’s going to change.”

“I feel like I can’t make him happy.” She choked back a sob. She really didn’t want to cry over this anymore. She had spent the last two weeks crying about losing him. “One way or another he seems to always be disappointed in me.”

“That’s bullshit too.” She shook her head back and forth at his words. She would never be good enough for Ethan. Never. And that was a cold, hard fact. “That boy has never been happier. Trust me.”

“Martin...” She felt her body starting to shake as tears fell from her eyes.

She hated being so vulnerable and weak.

“No Rox, trust me.” He reached out and placed his hands on her arms gently, a soft look in his eyes as he spoke. “Look, I know that Ethan and I haven’t always had the best relationship, but I’ve kept a close eye on him his entire adult life. And he has never been this happy or at peace. Not even when he was with Leanne. Not even when Robert was still alive. He loves you and I think it’s safe to say that he needs you.”

“I don’t know how to make things right.” And she didn’t. 

She didn’t know what to say or what to do to fix this.

She didn’t even know if she could.

“Go to him Rox.” He squeezed her shoulders as his eyes darkened. “Please. He needs you.”

“He’s never needed me.” She whispered.

She certainly felt that way.

Sure he may have loved her.

But he would never need her like she needed him.

“Rox please…” She could see his eyes starting to water and she was taken aback by the image in front of her.

Martin was normally the picture of stoicism and strength.

Seeing him on the verge of crying broke something deep inside her.

“I’m worried about him Rox.” He whispered. “Please. You’re the only thing that was keeping him together and now that you’re gone he’s falling apart.”

“Ethan’s too strong to fall apart.” She whispered back. 

Ethan was the strongest person she knew, other than his father of course, and she thought it was silly that his dad seemed to think he wasn’t handling things well.

“Rox…” He swallowed as he closed his eyes. “I’m afraid he might do something stupid.”

She blinked her eyes at his words.

Stupid? What kind of stupid?

“What do you mean?” She didn’t know if she wanted to know the answer to her own question.

“His brother… Robbie…” She swallowed. She knew exactly where he was going with this and her heart was shattering in two at the simple thought.

“He wouldn’t.” She choked out.

Ethan couldn’t possibly be that stupid.

He would never do that to them.

He would never do that to his daughter.

“I’m scared he might Rox.” He shook his head as he tried to compose himself. “He’s in a dark place. He’s been through so much in the past year and he just locked it all away. He’s stayed strong for Leanne and Ariel. And he’s stayed strong for you. But now… now he doesn’t think he needs to be strong for anyone anymore and he’s spiraling out of control.”

She felt her breath hitch in her chest.

She had no idea that Ethan had been struggling this whole time.

He had never said a word to her about it.

He had never once asked for help or support or anything.

He had been her backbone since her accident and she hadn’t even realized that he was doing it all on his own.

“I…” She couldn’t get her brain to work.

Martin’s words had destroyed her.

“Please Rox.” He pulled her in for a hug then, wrapping his arms around her tightly. “Just go to him. Try to make this right. You two belong together and you know it.”

She nodded her head softly as she wrapped her arms around him in return.

She could feel the tears pouring from her eyes freely and her whole body started to shake.

She didn’t know what she would do if she lost Ethan.

Especially in such a horrible way.

She would surely lose it.

“I’ll go to him now.” She whispered.

Martin squeezed her tightly in his arms before pulling back and offering her a sad smile.

“Thank you.” He then pulled from her completely and made his way back toward the truck.

She stood on the front porch and watched as he backed out, tears pouring from her eyes as she did her best to compose herself.

She couldn’t believe that Ethan had fallen so far down.

She couldn’t believe that she could possibly lose him in more ways than one.

— 

After her chat with Martin, Rox had rushed inside to get ready.

All she wanted to do was to get to Ethan and make things right.

She just wanted him to be okay.

And she just wanted to be back in his arms once more.

But then her phone had rung and she was being called into work and she had felt like her whole world was coming to a crashing halt.

She just hoped and prayed that Ethan would hold himself together until whatever crisis she was about to face was over with.

So she had shot him a text, the first one she’d sent in two weeks, and she held her breath as she waited for a response.

I talked to your dad and I know you’re not doing to well. I’m here if you need to talk. And then she had climbed into her car and headed to the hospital without another thought.

And she had surprisingly been able to keep Ethan off of her mind.

Until she had heard her phone ring at a little three in the morning.

She had only gone to bed an hour ago, her shift not ending until well after midnight, and she was beyond exhausted.

But when she saw the number for Angels flash across her screen she felt something inside her shatter.

Something was wrong.

“Hello?” She knew she sounded sleepy and out of it, but she hadn’t hesitated to answer, not even to get herself together.

“Rox!” The voice on the other end was panicked and she felt herself starting to join in.

“Noa. What’s going on?” She knew something had to be wrong.

Noa was always the voice of calm and reason.

She never lost control.

Ever.

Until it came to two people.

Mario. And Ethan.

She doubted that she would be calling her in the middle of the night because something happened to Mario.

“There’s been an accident.” She whispered.

“An accident. What kind of accident?” Her heart was racing in her chest as she pushed herself up from the bed, letting her legs dangle over the edge as she tried to catch her breath.

“It’s Ethan.” She prayed and prayed that he hadn’t done something stupid.

She would never forgive herself if he had acted out and she hadn’t gone to him like she should have.

She would never be able to live with that guilt.

“What happened?” She choked out her question as the tears started to pour from her eyes.

She was so goddamn tired of crying.

“Meth head went rogue in the middle of Center Stage.” She didn’t even know that Ethan was at the hospital last night. She hadn’t seen him when she was dropping off patients. “Ethan tried to subdue him and the guy stabbed him before throwing him across the room.”

Of course he did. Being the hero that he was.

“How bad?” She waited with bated breath for the girl’s response.

“He’s gonna be okay. But he’s pretty beat up.” She let out a breath that she didn’t know she had been holding. “Leanne and Jesse are taking care of him now.”

“Tell him I’ll be right there.” She didn’t know if Ethan would care that she was coming to see him. She guessed that he probably wouldn’t. But she was going to him regardless. She knew that he needed her, whether he wanted to admit it or not. “Has anyone called his dad?”

“Leanne did.” She was glad that she wouldn’t be the one making that call.

After talking to Martin earlier she could only imagine how terrified he would be to get a call about something happening to Ethan.

“Good. I’m on my way.” And with that she hung up the phone and pushed herself to stand.

She let out a shaky breath as she made her way toward the bathroom to change.

The only thing on her mind being Ethan.

And the fact that she needed to get to him as fast as humanly possible.

—

When Rox had finally made it to Angels she could barely see straight from crying so bad.

She was honestly surprised that she hadn’t gotten into an accident on the way.

But then she had been barreling down the halls, searching frantically for Ethan, and she could feel her whole body starting to shut down.

“Rox!” She looked up just as Noa rounded the corner ahead of her and she hurried up, her legs carrying her toward the younger woman as fast as she could.

“Where is he?” She barely got the words out, her throat burning from all the sobbing she had been doing.

“I just left him.” Noa reached out and gripped her shoulders gently. “Leanne’s with him Rox. He’s okay. He’s sleeping.”

“Leanne…” She felt her heart stop beating in her chest.

As much as she liked the woman, she really wasn’t a huge fan of hers right now.

She always seemed to be around Ethan when it was the least appropriate time to do so.

“She was with him when it happened.” Noa said softly. “He saved her life.”

“Of course he did.” She huffed out.

She knew that would always happen.

No matter what.

He would go to the ends of the Earth for the other woman.

But he wouldn’t even fight to keep her.

She felt her pulse starting to race.

“Rox, come on, this is Leanne we’re talking about here.” She knew that Noa could sense her discomfort but she didn’t care.

“Exactly my point.” She whispered.

She knew she had no right to be jealous of Leanne, but she couldn’t help it.

These past few weeks had been hell on her, and supposedly they had been hell on Ethan.

And yet he hadn’t hesitated to protect Leanne.

He hadn’t hesitated to stay close to her.

“Rox…” Noa tried to drag her back down but she was already to far gone to care.

“I’m gonna go.” She got ready to turn back in the direction that she had come from.

If he didn’t want her there that was fine.

He wanted Leanne. He could have her.

“Don’t do that!” Noa kept a tight grip on her arms as she spoke. “He needs to see you Rox. Please. Don’t let this shit with Leanne drive you two apart even more.” She began to wonder just how much the younger woman knew about her issues with Leanne lately. “She’s his friend Rox, that’s it. None of us want him to be alone right now and she was the most willing to stay.”

She dropped her head downward and shook it back and forth, tears springing to her eyes once more.

“Come on Rox.” Noa gently pulled back, only to wrap an arm around her shoulders, escorting her slowly down the hall.

They stopped outside of a room that she could only assume was Ethan’s and Noa released her gently.

“Go. Talk to him.” She opened the door slowly and Rox lifted her head, her eyes scanning the room as she took a step forward. “I’ll come back later to check on you guys.”

And then the redhead was gone, her sneakers squeaking slightly as she rounded the corner once more.

Rox took a deep breath as she took another step forward, her eyes settling on Ethan’s sleeping body.

He had a bandage on his head, covering his left eye slightly, and his left arm was in a sling.

She could make out the white bandages on his shoulder poking out from under the blanket that was over his chest. And he had multiple bruises on the right side of his face and neck.

She felt her breath hitch in her chest.

She had never seen him look so fragile and small and broken.

He was always so strong.

Always so brave and hardened.

It broke her in two to imagine him in such an unsettling state.

“Hey Rox.” Her eyes snapped up at the voice coming from her left and she turned her head just as the brunette woman at Ethan’s side stood. “I’m glad you came.”

“Why wouldn’t I have come?” She barked out.

She had no right to take this out on Leanne.

She had no right to be mad at her.

Ethan was the one who had left her. Not Leanne. 

“I was worried you wouldn’t, after, you know…?” She gestured between Rox and the sleeping man before them.

“After what Leanne?” She snapped.

She crossed her arms over her chest and locked her feet in place.

She was ready for a fight and she didn’t even know why.

“I know you two broke up Rox, I’m not stupid.” She wanted to make a comment about being fooled, but she knew that Leanne didn’t deserve it.

“It’s whatever.” She didn’t know what else to say so she shrugged her shoulders.

She just wanted this whole thing to be over and done with.

Hurt or not, she just wanted Ethan to be out of that hospital bed and at home with her.

She was tired of being without him.

“He's been suffering Rox." She whispered.

"That makes two of us." Rox wasn’t in the mood for the blame game.

Sure Ethan may have been struggling, but so was she. And nobody seemed to give a damn about her feelings in all of this mess.

"So why did you break up then?" She could feel her blood starting to boil.

"I don't really think that's any of your business." She was sure that Ethan had probably told her exactly why they had ended things.

She was sure that she knew all the stupid reasons Rox had given him.

Leanne probably thought she was an idiot.

"I'm just trying to help here." Her words sounded genuine and Rox could tell by the look in her eyes that she meant what she was saying.

But she didn’t care.

She didn’t want Leanne’s help. Not now. Not ever.

"Well you can help by staying out of it.” She just wanted everyone to stop meddling in their business. “It's of no importance to you why we are or are not together."

"Excuse me?" She could tell that she had hit a nerve with the other woman and part of her was happy that she could get a rise out of her.

"Stay out of it!" She hadn’t meant to shout her words and she quickly shifted her eyes to the man laying on the bed in front of her.

She really, really didn’t want him to wake up and hear them fighting.

He would take Leanne’s side instantly and that would just crush her even more.

"Rox... I'm worried.” Leanne took a step forward, so she took a step back. “About both of you."

"Well stop it. It's none of your business.” And it wasn’t. It wasn’t her business, or Noa’s or Jesse’s or Martin’s or Emo’s. It was between her and Ethan. And if they chose not to handle it, than that was up to them. “I'm so tired of people always worrying over us. We've got it under control."

"Well obviously not.” Her words hit Rox hard and she took a deep breath as she tried not show any more emotion. “Not if Ethan's sulking around and miserable and you're off in la la land."

"Shut up!” She didn’t know where those words had come from but she instantly regretted them. She felt like a child, screaming at a classmate for something stupid. “Just... stay the fuck out of it."

"Rox..." Leanne wasn’t really phased by her words though and she didn’t even flinch.

Rox was both angry about that and thankful for it.

"I'm done.” She huffed out, turning on her heel. “I'll come back later."

And with that she walked out of the door of Ethan’s room without so much as another word.

"Rox... Rox!" She heard Leanne’s voice calling her name as she made her way down the hall.

But she didn’t stop.

And she didn’t look back.

Instead, she just kept walking.


	26. These Women

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The women in Ethan’s life sure were giving him a run for his money.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The Ethan/Leanne background is killing me here, especially seeing Rox so jealous because of it. But I promise, it’s not going to hurt their relationship in the long haul. **Also, here’s out first glimpse of Daddy!Ethan with his sassy offspring.

Ethan woke up and everything hurt.

His head was pounding. His back was sore. His left shoulder was on fire.

He felt like he had been hit by a truck.

A very, very large truck.

“Rox…” He whispered her name even though he was sure she wouldn’t be there.

She had left him.

She had watched him walk away from her without a care in the world and she hadn’t even tried to get him back.

She hated him. He was certain of it.

“It’s Leanne, Ethan.” The hand that was holding his squeezed tightly and he forced his eyes open.

Sure enough, it was Leanne by his side, not Rox.

He felt his heart sink.

“Where’s Rox?” He knew it didn’t matter.

She wouldn’t come for him, even if he begged for her.

“She stepped out for a minute.” Leanne’s words made his head spin.

So she had been there?

“Where am I?” He was pretty certain he was at Angels.

The room looked familiar at least.

“Angels.” She squeezed his hand once more and offered him a solemn look. “Do you remember what happened?”

“No. Not really.” He didn’t really remember much of anything after having dropped Ariel off at school that morning.

“Meth head patient used you as a punching bag.” There was a soft humor to her words and he couldn’t help but let his mouth curl into a smile.

He was always good at making himself a target.

“Is that so?” He wondered what he had done to piss the meth head off.

He guessed it probably didn’t take much.

“You tried to subdue him,” She raised an eyebrow in his direction as she spoke, “turns out even you can’t handle that force.”

“He hurt anyone else?” He hoped the answer was ‘no’.

“Mario’s got two broken ribs.” That wasn’t the answer he was hoping for and he let out a sigh. “He shoved me into a shelf.”

“You’re hurt?” His eyes snapped open fully as he squeezed her hand.

He tried to push himself into a sitting position but she laid a gentle hand on his chest.

“Some stitches on my back. But I’m fine Ethan. Really.” She gave him a look that told him that it wasn’t worth arguing with her over. He would never win. “You threw yourself at him when he came after me.”

“Couldn’t have him hurting you.” He whispered.

He didn’t know where those words came from.

He hadn’t said anything remotely nice to her in weeks.

“That’s the pain meds talking.” She rolled her eyes at him as she sat up straighter in her chair.

“No.” He shook his head back and forth, which was a giant mistake.

“Ethan. Stop.” She whispered.

“I didn’t do anything.” He shrugged his good shoulder, his hand tightening it’s grip around hers.

“I know where your mind is going.” She pulled her hand free then, poking him gently on the chest as she relaxed back against the seat.

“Where’s it going?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

He was curious to know if she really knew what was going on in his head.

Because right now, he was thinking thoughts about her that he hadn’t thought in months.

“Away.” She whispered.

“I hate how well you know me.” He growled out.

And he did.

She knew him better than anyone and it pissed him off sometimes.

Despite having not been together in over a year, she still knew just how to read him.

And just how to get under his skin.

“Yes well, it’s been almost five years Ethan,” He did a double take at her words, there was no way it had been that long since they met, “if I didn’t know you well by now I’d be ashamed.”

“Hard to believe.” He closed his eyes as he sank back against the mattress.

Five years seemed like such a long time ago.

“What?” She let the hand that was on his chest drop down to his arm, her fingers running over the exposed skin.

“That it’s been five years.” He opened his eyes as he stared her down.

“Feels like it’s been longer.” She whispered.

“Is that a good thing?” For him it felt like he had known her his whole life.

“I’m not really sure.” She shook her head gently before patting his arm.

She removed her hand before he could grab it in his own and she gave him a warning look.

Down boy, down.

“Where’s the kid?” He hoped that Ariel wasn’t around.

He didn’t need her to see him like this.

“With Noa and Mario.” He was thankful for that. “They took her to get some breakfast.”

Breakfast? The last thing he remembered was watching her shove the last of her donut into her mouth before exiting his vehicle and heading into school.

Had an entire day really passed without his knowledge?

“Breakfast? What day is it?” He tried to do the math in his head, but it hurt too bad for that kind of task to take place.

“Wednesday.” Leanne’s voice was soft and her hand returned to his.

She must have sensed his apprehension.

“She go to school today?” He knew that she went yesterday at least.

“I told her she could stay with you,” He was both thankful for, and regretful of, her decision, “but that she had to at least eat first.” 

“Good. I’ve missed her.” And he had missed her.

Other than picking her up and dropping her off at school the past few days he hadn’t really spent any time with her.

It was his own fault. He knew that. 

But he still hated it.

“I know Ethan.” She squeezed his hand again and he felt his heart jump in his chest.

She really needed to stop touching him like that.

“I haven’t meant to be so absent lately. I just…” He didn’t even have a reason to be honest.

There were no excuses for his behavior lately.

None at all.

“I know.” She squeezed his hand once more and offered him a soft look. “You’re lost in your head.”

“I’ve been feeling pretty down lately.” He whispered.

“You’re breakup with Rox hit you pretty hard.” He hated that she knew him so well that she could tell what was bothering him without even asking.

He hadn’t even mentioned their breakup to her. In fact, he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone except his father.

He wondered how much of the hospital was aware of his situation.

“She just watched me leave Lea. She didn’t even try to fight for me.” He felt tears coming to his eyes and he slammed them both shut in an attempt to stop the waterworks. He didn’t want to cry in front of Leanne. Not now, not after everything. “She didn’t beg for me to stay. Nothing. She didn’t care.”

“She cares Ethan. Trust me.” The tone of her voice made him believe her and he wondered what all she knew.

“I don’t know what I did wrong.” He choked out.

“I don’t either.” She whispered.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

He forced his eyes open once more and gave her a soft look.

He hated that he had broken his entire family because of this stupid breakup.

“I shouldn’t have taken out my sadness on you and Ariel. It isn’t fair.” And neither one of them deserved it. Not in the least. “I made her a promise that I would stick around and I haven’t been keeping my end of the bargain.”

“She understands Ethan. She misses you, a lot, but she gets it.” He would never understand why or how his kid was so understanding. She wanted for nothing and she rarely asked for a thing. “She just wants you to feel better. That’s all any of us want.”

“I don’t know how to make things right with Rox.” He didn’t know if it was even worth it anymore. “I really don’t.”

“Try talking to her Ethan.” Leanne’s solution when they had been together had been the opposite of talking.

He wondered if she was starting to realize that that was where their downfall had begun.

“I tried that.” And he had. He had just wanted to talk to her about everything. He wanted to make her see that he was there for her. That he loved her more than anything in the world. “We screamed at each other and she let me walk away.”

“Well, try again.” She shrugged her shoulders as she raised an eyebrow at him. “Maybe this, was exactly what you two needed to realize how important you are to each other.”

“I love her Lea. More than anything in this world.” He whispered.

He didn’t know why he was telling her this. He didn’t want to hurt her feelings or make her uncomfortable.

He hoped that the fact that they were best-friends would make up for the slight awkwardness of the conversation.

“I… I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. After… after we broke up, I thought that was it. I was destined to a life of solitude and misery.” He knew he would always have Ariel, and that was okay with him. But after losing Leanne he had been a mess. “I never thought I would love again. But…”

“Rox came along…” He could hear the hurt in her voice. The regret and the pain and everything in between.

“Rox came along and I fell, hard. Harder than I’ve ever fallen. I love her so goddamn much.” He had never loved anyone as much as he loved her. Not even Leanne. “I wanna marry her. I wanna have a family with her and grow old with her. I can’t imagine my life without her in it.”

And his words were beyond true.

He couldn’t imagine continuing on without her by his side.

She was the best part of his life.

And other than Ariel, she was really the only part that mattered much.

“These past two weeks… I’ve never wanted to disappear so much.” He sobbed out. Tears be damned at this point. He was hurting and he didn’t care if Leanne saw it. “I’ve never hurt so badly.”

“I know Ethan. She’s a special lady.” He wondered why Leanne was trying to act like it was all okay. He knew she was hurting through all of this too. “You two belong together. You’re meant for each other. Everyone can see that.”

“Everyone but her.” He closed his eyes once more and prayed that things would just get better.

“She sees it Ethan. Trust me. She sees it.” Leanne squeezed his hand tightly before moving to sit on the bed beside him. “And it scares the crap out of her. That’s why she’s pulling away from you.”

“I need her.” And he did.

He needed her more than he had ever needed anyone.

And it scared the hell out of him.

“Then you need to go and get her.” She moved her hand from his to rest against his cheek.

He forced his eyes open to look at her and he let out a sigh.

She was right.

And he hated it.

He needed to fight for her, even if she wouldn’t fight for him.

—

The next time Ethan woke up he instantly knew he wasn’t alone.

He prayed that it wasn’t still Leanne by his side.

As much as he loved the woman, she wasn’t who he wanted to see right now.

“Rox…?” He whispered out the woman’s name, his eyes refusing to open so that he could see who was with him.

“No dad, it’s me.” Ariel’s voice was soft, her hand tightening it’s grip around his as she spoke.

He let out a sigh at her words.

He had missed his little girl the past few weeks.

And it was due to no fault of his own.

“Ariel. Hey kid.” He forced his eyes open so that he could get a good look at her. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were tear stained and he could tell that she was having about as good of a day as him. “You okay?”

“Me? You’re the one who got beat up and stabbed.” She rose from her spot in the chair by his bed and moved to sit next to him on the mattress. “The question should be are you okay?”

“I’m fine Angel. Just tired. And sore.” In truth, he was more of an emotional wreck than he was anything else. “But I’ll be okay.”

“I’m glad you’re okay.” She whispered. “I was really scared when mom told me that you were hurt.”

“I’m fine honey. I promise.” He reached up with his good arm to cup her cheek against his palm.

He hated seeing her hurting like this.

He hated more than anything that he was the cause of her pain.

“I’ve missed you.” She sniffled, her head dropping down as she tried to hide her tears from him.

“I’ve missed you too.” He tugged on her hand gently, pulling her toward him. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around sweetheart.”

He watched as she hesitated for a brief second and it broke his heart.

Normally she was quick to step into his arms.

Or, in this case, crawl into them.

“It’s okay.” He could hear the sound of distrust in her voice and it killed him.

“No. No it isn’t.” He tugged once more and this time she gave in, moving to lay next to him on the bed, her head going to his good shoulder as she snuggled against his side. “I’ve been in this really dark place and instead of coming to you and your mom for help I shut you both out and it was wrong of me.”

“I don’t wanna see you hurting.” She whispered, her head nuzzling against his chest as she took a deep breath. “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I know babe. I’m sorry.” He pressed a kiss against her hair as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders tightly. “I promise you it’s nothing that you or your mom did. You hear me?”

“You and Rox broke up?” Her question was soft and he knew that she was afraid to ask it.

As much as she seemed to like Rox, she was still a bit of a sore subject between them.

He hated it, but he understood.

She may have been fifteen, but part of her was always going to be a little girl who just wanted her ‘parents’ back together again.

“Yeah sweetie, we did.” He hated talking about it.

He wanted to act like it never happened.

“Why?” He was shocked she was inquiring about it so much.

He figured that she would just ignore it and hope it stayed that way.

“I don’t really know hun. We just, did.” And that was true. He didn’t know why exactly they broke up.

It didn’t make any sense to him why Rox had taken things so far.

“She’s jealous of mom.” Her words were like a stab to the heart.

He thought they had gotten over that bullshit already.

“Ariel…” He didn’t want the kid involved if that was the case.

She would defend her mother until the end of time, and he was thankful for that, but he didn’t want to have to explain to the girl why he wouldn’t do the same.

Not in this situation. Not when it came to Rox.

He may have loved Leanne. But he was in love with Rox.

And she was the only woman he wanted to be with.

“That’s what mom said. She said that Rox was jealous of your relationship with her.” She looked up at him with big, curious eyes and he shook his head back and forth before letting it fall back against the pillow. “That she was afraid that she was going to lose you to her.”

“Maybe that’s true Angel,” He knew that Rox felt that way. He knew that she was worried that he would go crawling back to Leanne any day now, “but it’s not something I feel comfortable talking about.”

“I get it. I mean, you and mom were together for a while.” Two and a half years was more than a while in his eyes. “But you guys aren’t going to get back together.”

“Ariel…” He hated that she was so understanding of that.

He hated that she hadn’t seemed as phased by his moving on as he thought she would.

“Dad, it’s fine. I get it. I’m fifteen. I’m old enough to understand.” She was definitely mature beyond her years when it came to some things. He wasn’t surprised that her understanding of her parents relationship problems was one of those things. “I don’t get why exactly you didn’t stay together, but I get it, you’re not together and that’s okay.”

“I know it’s been hard on you.” He hated that their breakup had caused the girl to be pulled in two.

They had done their best to maintain a civil relationship with each other for her sake.

He knew they didn’t always succeed, but it wasn’t for the lack of trying.

“It’s whatever. I just want you both to be happy.” He was thankful for that. “If Rox makes you happy, which I believe she does, then that’s who you should be with.”

“I can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from my teenager.” He offered her a solemn look and she chuckled before tucking herself back against his side with a sigh.

“Yeah, well, if you’d stop being so stubborn and get your head out of your ass you probably would have been able to figure this out on your own.” It was his turn to chuckle at the girl’s words.

She was a force to be reckoned with, that was for sure.

“It’s a good thing I love you kiddo.” He dropped a kiss against her hair once more and squeezed her shoulders gently.

“Why?” She didn’t skip a beat in asking him that question.

“Because if your mother knew you were talking to an adult like that she’d lose her mind.” And that part was true. She would never have gotten away with talking to Leanne like that.

He, on the other hand, wanted to raise an honest woman, along with a respectful one.

“Yeah, well, the truth hurts sometimes.” She said softly, her hand patting his chest as she spoke.

“Ariel…” He wanted his tone to be warning, but he didn’t know if it worked.

“No dad, please. You love Rox, that much I know.” He loved how everyone seemed to understand their relationship, except for Rox. “And I’m pretty sure she loves you too. I don’t understand why you’re letting this happen.”

“Letting what happen?” He was confused by her words, he didn’t understand what he was letting happen, or not happen for that matter.

“Why you’re not fighting for her.” She whispered.

“Who told you that?” He didn’t want his daughter to think he was a quitter.

He most certainly wanted to fight for Rox. She, on the other hand, didn’t want to be fought for.

“No one had too. I can just tell.” Ariel’s ability to observe the subtle was something he sometimes he envied. “She walks around all defeated. And you look like you’ve lost the will to live.”

“Honey…” He didn’t want her to think that about him.

He didn’t want her to ever know what was going through her mind.

If she knew that he had contemplated taking his own life, at any point in time, it would break her.

And he never wanted to do that to her.

“No. Don’t. I know you’re hurting dad. I can see it. And it hurts.” He hated that his pain was transferring over to her. It wasn’t fair that she had to go through this. It wasn’t fair that he was doing this to her. “I love you and I just want you to be happy.”

“Oh kid.” He hugged her as close to his side as he could, his lips resting against the crown of her head as he tried to bite back his own tears.

“I’ve already lost one dad.” She whispered and he felt his heart break in his chest. “I don’t wanna lose another. Please.”

“I’m not going anywhere Angel. I promise.” He closed his eyes tight as he felt the tears leave his eyes and he tugged her as close to his side as he could. “I love you so much more than you can imagine and I’m not leaving you.”

“I just want you to be okay.” She sobbed out, her arm tightening around his waist as she snuggled into his side once more.

“I know baby. And I will be.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as he chanced a look at her face. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing softly. He bet she only had a few minutes before she was asleep. “I promise. We’ll get through this.”

“Are you gonna talk to Rox?” Her question was quiet and it startled him a bit.

“I’’m gonna try honey.” He whispered.

“When?” He didn’t know why she was so curious about their relationship all of a sudden.

“I don’t know, but soon.” He hoped it would be soon anyway. The longer he went without her the harder it was to get through the day. “We’ll work things out.”

“Good. I really like her you know?” She looked up at him with soft eyes and he offered her a smile. He was glad that she was accepting of Rox and their relationship. He wouldn’t have been able to stand it if it had been any other way. “If anyone had to be my step-mom I’d want it to be her.”

“I’m sure she’d love to know that sweetie.” He knew that Rox was always skeptical of their relationship. That she wanted to love the teen but wasn’t sure how.

She had always told him that it scared her.

That she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to do a good enough job.

That the girl would resent her or hate her.

He had been both shocked and relieved to find out that Ariel felt the opposite.

“I love you dad.” She whispered, her head falling back to his shoulder as she snuggled herself closer.

“I love you too Angel.” He was reminded of a small child with the way she was acting right now, but he didn’t much care.

She was his girl. She had been since the day she had walked into his and Leanne’s life. And she would be until the day he no longer walked this Earth.

And he would hold her like this for as long as she let him.

—

The next time Ethan woke up he could tell that the room was dark without even opening his eyes. 

The body that had once been snuggled against his side was now gone and he felt almost empty at that knowledge.

He loved Ariel more than he ever thought imaginable and he was thankful for her gentle, loving presence. Especially since she always seemed to show up right when he needed it most.

He blinked his eyes a few times, trying to get them to adjust to the darkness that was currently surrounding him.

He felt a gentle hand take a hold of his and he turned his head in the direction of the movement.

“Hey you.” The voice was soft, just like the hand, and he took a deep breath as his eyes adjusted and he was able to make out the person’s face.

“Rox?” He whispered her name as he tried to push himself up from the bed.

He wanted her in his arms and he wanted her there now.

“It’s me. Easy, easy.” But then there was a gentle hand on his chest and she was pushing him slowly back toward the mattress. “Don’t try and sit up just yet.”

“What happened?” His brain was fuzzy and he couldn’t remember the details.

He knew he was at Angels.

He remembered that much.

“You tried to be Superman and it didn’t pay off so well.” Her voice was quiet and her hand squeezed his as she spoke.

“That meth head?” He was starting to remember things, small things.

He mostly just remembered his conversation with Leanne from earlier in the day.

Or maybe it was only minutes ago.

He wasn’t really sure about time anymore.

“Yeah. He tuned you up pretty good.” She let her hand move from his chest to his cheek, her thumb brushing over his stubble as she took a deep breath.

“Everything hurts.” He wondered if they were even giving him pain meds at this point, because it sure as hell didn’t feel like it.

“Well he did throw you against you a cement wall after he apparently used you as a punching bag.” So her story and Leanne’s matched up.

He really needed to stop trying to be a hero.

“What are you doing here?” He decided to change the subject.

He wanted to know why she had come to see him.

She hadn’t wanted anything to do with him for the past two weeks.

Why did she care all of a sudden.

“Noa called me.” She ran her hand up and into his hair, brushing the stray locks back into place slowly.

“And you came?” He was shocked.

He certainly didn’t expect her to show up.

Not after everything.

“Of course I came.” She whispered.

He could hear the hurt in her voice.

He knew he had hurt her feelings with his shock, but she shouldn’t be so surprised.

“I’m shocked.” He whispered back.

He closed his eyes when he saw the hurt flash across her face.

He had struck her where it counted.

“Well don’t be.” She squeezed his hand once more, her thumb rubbing gentle circles against the back of his hand.

He laid there in silence for a few minutes, refusing to open his eyes or to speak to her.

As much as he wanted to make things right, he was still so broken that he didn’t know how.

And he didn’t know if she even wanted to fix things.

His mind and his heart were at serious war with each other right now and he hated it.

“You should try and sleep Ethan.” Rox let her fingers still against the side of his head and he heard her let out a soft sigh. “You’ll feel a lot better if you get some rest.”

“Okay.” He simply nodded his head at her words.

He didn’t need her sympathy right now.

Even though he definitely wanted it.

“I love you.” She whispered softly, her lips pressing against his forehead before he could object.

“Could’ve fooled me.” He snapped back.

“Sleep, Ethan.” She pressed another kiss to his forehead before pulling away from him and he let out a sigh.

He hated that he was doing this to her, to them, it wasn’t fair.

And yet, he couldn’t help himself.


	27. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain meds did funny things to Ethan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of humor and a little bit of angst. Enjoy.

The next time Ethan woke up he instantly knew he wasn’t alone.

There was a soft hand holding onto his and there were voices talking quietly back and forth.

He tried to force his eyes open but they were so heavy and he couldn’t make them work.

In fact, his whole body felt heavy and his brain felt fuzzy and he wasn’t entirely sure of anything that was going on around him.

Letting out a sigh he tried again to get his eyes to open.

He was successful, sort of, and he peered around the room through his half-lidded eyes.

“Daaad?” He could make out his father’s figure sitting next to his bed and he watched as the man turned his attention to him.

“I’m here son.” He felt a hand on his arm and he let his body relax back against the mattress as he closed his eyes once more.

“Where’s Rox? He whispered.

He wanted Rox. No, scratch that, he needed Rox. 

And their conversation from earlier hadn’t been enough.

“She’s working son.” His father’s words were soft and he tried his best to open his eyes once more.

“I need Rox.” He knew he sounded like a whiny toddler, but he couldn’t help it.

She was his everything and he needed her more than he ever thought possible. 

“She’ll be here later Ethan.” The soft voice that replied to his plea clearly wasn’t his father and it took him to minute to realize who it was.

“Leanne?” He whispered her name softly as he turned his head in her direction.

He could barely make out her features in the dim light of the room but he knew it was her without a shadow of a doubt.

“Yeah. I’m here.” She squeezed his hand softly and he let himself relax a little bit more. “You’re okay Ethan. You’re at Angels.”

“Am I dying?” He certainly felt like he was having an out-of-body experience.

“No son. You’re fine.” He could hear the humor in his dad’s words and he tried to roll his eyes at the man. He was almost certain that it didn’t work out to his advantage. “You’re just drugged up some. You were in a lot of pain.”

“Oh. Drugs.” He nodded his head, or at least, he thought he nodded his head. “I like drugs.”

“I wouldn’t say that too loudly Ethan.” Leanne’s response was humorous and he wanted to flip her off, but he couldn’t even figure out where his hands were so he knew that was out of the question.

“I... everything feels... great.” And everything did feel great. But it also felt real fuzzy and uncertain and he wasn’t even entirely sure what planet he was on right now.

“That’s because you’re high as a kite son.” His dad patted his hand gently and he felt his lips curl upward and into a smile.

He had only legitimately been high a few times in his life and he never remembered it feeling this incredible.

“I miss Rox.” He sobbed out.

He didn’t know where the tears came from but all of a sudden they were there.

“We know Ethan.” Leanne’s voice was quiet but he could hear the hint of frustration in her words.

He wondered if that was out of jealousy or if she was actually just frustrated with him.

He guessed it was probably a little of both.

“I love her so much.” He felt like such a giant baby but he couldn’t stop himself.

He loved the woman more than he ever thought possible.

And for some reason, in his drug induced state, he wanted to let the whole world know it.

“We know son.” Or at least, his dad and Leanne.

“I... she’s so perfect.” He was mumbling like an idiot but he found he didn’t care. “And beautiful and smart. I love her.”

“Ethan...” Leanne’s voice was almost a growl and he shifted his attention toward her.

He knew his eyes were barely open but he still hoped that she could tell that he was glaring at her.

He didn’t have time for her nonsense right now.

“She’s the most amazing woman I know.” He was hoping to stab Leanne right in the heart with that one.

If she wanted to be a jerk, he could too.

“Yes, son.” He saw his dad nod his head out of the corner of his eye and he turned his attention away from the angry woman next to him.

“I wanna marry her dad.” He whispered.

He wanted to marry her so bad it hurt.

She was his best-friend. His everything.

And he missed her. Terribly.

“I know Ethan.” His dad even sounded frustrated with him and he wondered what he had done wrong.

Sure he was acting like a fool, but who could blame him. They had pumped him full of the good stuff.

“I wanna have her babies.” He closed his eyes as he let his head fall back against the pillow with a sigh.

“It doesn’t work that way Ethan...” Leanne patted his arm as she spoke and he shook his head back and forth.

He knew that wasn’t how it worked, did they really think he was that stupid?

“Huh?” He opened his eyes after a second and stared at Leanne. “Oh... well... you know what I mean...”

“Yes son.” His dad squeezed his hand as he spoke.

He knew he wasn’t making any sense.

“She just... she’s so perfect.” And yet, he just kept on talking. “She makes me laugh and she makes me so happy. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“She is a special lady son.” Another hand squeeze and a soft sigh and he felt slightly delirious.

Whatever they had given him was making him feel very weightless and it was both exciting and terrifying at the same time.

“And she’s great in bed.” He had no idea where those words came from and he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.

“Ethan...” Leanne slapped his shoulder gently as she growled out his name.

“I mean, she’s sexy as it is, don’t get me wrong, but daaaamn...” He really, really shouldn’t be talking to his father and ex-girlfriend like this.

They really didn’t need to know anything about his and Rox’s sex life.

Although, in hindsight, his father had witnessed plenty over the past few months.

But then again, it wasn’t his fault that the man never knocked.

“Son, I think you should stop while you’re ahead.” His dad’s voice was soft, but slightly forceful and he told himself that that was enough.

“She just, she knows what she’s doing and she’s so...” He felt his lips curl up and into a smile, “the things she can do...”

“Ethan!” It was Leanne who shouted his name once again and he turned his head toward her, eyeing her curiously as he tried to force his eyes open a bit.

“Whaaat?” He whined out.

“Stop! Please!” She was pleading with him to stop with the dirty talk and he knew he needed to.

They didn’t need to know this information.

“But...” He just wanted someone to listen to him though.

And apparently the drugs they had given him were making him declare things he would normally keep to himself.

“Son, we love you and we love Rox,” He eyed his dad suspiciously while he spoke, “but we don’t wanna hear about what goes on behind closed doors.”

“But the sex is soooo good.” He didn’t know what possessed him to say that but he felt his cheeks turning red as he spoke those words out loud.

“Oh Jesus...” His dad’s face probably mirrored his though, because his cheeks turned red and he ducked his head downward to avoid both of their gazes.

“I’m gonna leave now.” Leanne patted his shoulder softly. 

“Nooo Leanne!” She pulled from his grasp and tried to walk away but somehow he was quicker. He grabbed her hand back in his and tugged her back toward him. “Come back!”

“I think you should get some sleep Ethan.” She whispered.

“But I’m not tired...” In reality, he was exhausted, he was to high to care.

“Well, I am.” She leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead before pulling away from him completely, his hand falling to the bed with a soft thud. “Goodnight Ethan.”

“Goodnight Leanne!” He didn’t know why he shouted at her, she hadn’t even made it out of the room yet. “I love you!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He didn’t know why he had told her that, and he prayed that the wrong person, mainly Rox, didn’t hear him say it.

He heard the door close behind her a second later and he turned his half-lidded eyes in his father’s direction.

“Daaad?” He could tell that the man was still there so why he was calling for him in a questioning tone he didn’t know.

“Yes Ethan.” His father squeezed his hand as he offered him a soft look.

“I love you.” He couldn’t remember the last time he had told his father that.

Probably when he was still a child.

Probably long before his mother had passed away.

“I know son.” His father’s voice was so quiet that he barely heard it. “I love you too.”

It had probably been even longer since his father had told him that he loved him.

“I love Rox too.” He was full of an awful lot of love today wasn’t he?

“She knows son.” His dad patted his hand gently as he spoke.

“I miss her so much.” He hated that they had been apart for so long.

Sure, it had only been two weeks, but dammit if it didn’t feel like a lifetime.

“I know.” He figured his dad was probably tired of hearing him talk about the woman.

He felt like that’s all he had done the past few days.

“I want her back.” He just wanted her in his arms again.

The little bit that she had been with him earlier hadn’t been enough.

He wanted to run away with her and never look back.

“You’ll get her back Ethan.” His dad sounded so confident. “I promise.”

“We had such a bad fight.” He didn’t even really know what their fight had been about to be honest.

“I know.” He guessed that maybe his father knew more than he did.

“I don’t want to lose her.” He never wanted to lose her, ever.

“She hasn’t gone anywhere son.” Again, so confident. “She still loves you too.”

“How do you know?” He was curious as to how his father seemed to know so much about their relationship, or, at the moment, the lack thereof.

“Because she told me.” He said softly.

“She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Not that he hadn’t loved Leanne and the life that they had lived together, but he was a different person back then.

“Indeed she is.” He was glad his father agreed because he knew that while he liked Leanne, he was much more fond of Rox and their relationship.

“Do you think we’ll get married someday?” He prayed he wasn’t the only one with his eyes on the prize.

“I sure hope so son.” He sounded genuine in his response and Ethan felt his heart flutter.

“She’s my best-friend.” He whispered.

“I know.” His father whispered back.

“I need her.” He knew he was whining but he didn’t care.

“I know.” The older man didn’t seem to mind it that much either.

“I’ve never needed anyone before.” And he hadn’t. Though Leanne had been special to him, he had never needed her, not like this.

He felt like he was dependent on Rox for his survival at this point.

Like he couldn’t breathe without her in his life.

“No, son, you certainly have not.” He wondered what possessed his dad to say that.

Maybe he knew him better than he thought.

“My head hurts dad.” He said quietly.

The headache had come out of nowhere but it was painful and he all of a sudden felt dizzy.

“I know son.” His dad patted his cheek softly. “You should try and sleep.”

“Okay dad.” He nodded his head once but instantly regretted. “Goodnight.”

And the next thing he knew his head was falling back against the pillow as his eyes grew heavy.

And he was asleep before his father could even tell him ‘goodnight’.


	28. Saying Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox knew she had a lot of people to say sorry too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Nothing to report here. Just some angst and apologizing. And Ariel being a daddy’s girl as always.

Rox had been reluctant to leave Ethan at the hospital, especially after she had seen how disoriented he was.

But then he had made it very clear to her that he didn’t want her there.

And so she had waited until he fell asleep and she had left.

And she had ignored that little voice in the back of her head that told her to turn around.

That he needed her, no matter how he may have acted.

She ignored it all the way to the car before the waterworks started.

She hated herself for doing this to them.

She hated that she was letting him go through this alone.

When she had gotten home she was shocked to see that Emo had been waiting for her.

“How is he?” She hadn’t even made it through the front door before the words left the older woman’s mouth.

“Emo, hey!” She wasn’t expecting her to be there. And she certainly wasn’t expecting her to ask about Ethan right off the bat. “He’s uh, he’s hanging in there.”

“How badly was he hurt?” She stood from her spot on the couch and offered Rox a curious look.

“Two broken ribs, a broken wrist. Sixteen stitches in his shoulder where he was stabbed.” She had barely been listening when Noa had recapped Ethan’s injuries to her last night. She was surprised that she even remembered any of what was said. “He has a pretty nice goose egg on his head too, but there’s no sign of swelling or brain trauma.”

“Has he woken up? Did he see you?” Emo’s question sent her heart into overdrive.

She had begged and pleaded for him to wake up.

And then, when he did, he didn’t want anything to do with her.

“He woke up for a bit. He was pretty out of it though.” She tried to rationalize his behavior with the fact that he was doped up and had just been through something traumatic. It made her feel slightly better, regardless of whether or not it was true. “I don’t know if he’ll remember any of it.”

“I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you once he realizes what’s going on.” She shook her head back and forth at the older woman’s words.

He most certainly wouldn’t be happy to see her.

He’d probably never be happy to see her ever again.

“Doubtful. He... he didn’t seem to thrilled to see me earlier.” She whispered. “He was almost, mad, that I was here.”

“Well after your fight I’m sure he was just surprised.” Surprised didn’t seem to appropriately cover how Ethan seemed to feel about her being there. “I certainly wouldn’t have expected to see you sitting next to him. In fact, I’m a little shocked.”

“I still love him Emo.” And she did. More than anything in this world. And she missed him terribly. But she didn’t know how to make things better, not this time. “I didn’t just stop doing that overnight. That’s not how this works.”

“No offense sweetheart, but that’s exactly how you painted this to him.” She took a deep breath as her shoulders slumped forward. She knew Emo was right, 100%. “He most certainly thinks that you forgot about him overnight.”

“He’s talked to you?” She shouldn’t have been so surprised. 

Ethan seemed to confide in Emo about a lot of things.

Mostly about things that involved her.

“Briefly. We didn’t get very far.” The pained look on Emo’s face told her all she needed to know. “He got very emotional.”

“I miss him.” She whispered.

“Then why do you keep pushing him away?” Emo asked quietly.

“Because it’s easier that way.” In the long run, it might have seemed easier, but right now, it was killing her being away from him. “It’s easier if I act like it doesn’t matter to me.”

“Easier on who honey? On you?” She wanted to shout that it wasn’t easier. She wanted to tell Emo the truth. That it was breaking her being away from Ethan like this. But she didn’t want to seem emotional. She didn’t want to seem vulnerable. “Because it’s most certainly not easier on him.”

“I just... I warned him that I wasn’t any good at this.” And she had, from the very start. She had told him when they were at the cabin that she didn’t know how to do this, that she didn’t understand relationships or how they worked. She had been warning him all along. “I don’t know how to do relationships. I knew I would screw this up.”

“Well I think now is the perfect time to fix things, don’t you?” Emo offered her a soft look. A look that told her it was okay to open up. That this was something she was willing to help her with. 

“Fix things how?” She whispered her question as she felt the tears start to fall from her eyes.

“He’s gonna need someone to take care of him. Someone to lean on while he recovers.” She hadn’t even thought of that. She was sure that he probably already had that taken care of. Leanne and Ariel had been around him plenty after all. “He was there for you, now is your chance to be there for him.”

“I don’t know if I know how to do that.” She didn’t know how to take care of him.

She knew that he was emotionally and mentally unstable too.

She couldn’t fathom how hard his recovery would be with that piled on top of the physical discomfort.

She imagined it would probably be similar to all the pain she had felt during her recovery all those months ago.

“Surely you do love. “ Emo stepped forward then, her hands settling on Rox’s upper arms as she spoke. “He needs you and you still need him, whether you want to admit it or not.”

She swallowed as she nodded her head softly.

She just wanted things to be better.

—

Later that night Rox had finally gotten up the courage to go visit Ethan once again.

She had barely made it through dinner with Emo before the woman had basically shoved her out the door.

Telling her that she needed to ‘go get her man’ and make things right again.

So after she had showered and put on fresh clothes, that’s exactly what she had done.

Except when she arrived at Ethan’s room he was fast asleep.

However, he most certainly wasn’t alone.

“Hey kid.” She whispered as she entered the small space, her feet moving slowly as she tried to convince herself that she belonged here just as much as the young girl did.

“Hey Rox.” Ariel’s voice was soft and Rox could tell that the girl had been crying.

She knew this had to be hard on her, watching her father suffer like this.

She had never felt that kind of connection to her own dad, but she imagined that Ariel was probably feeling some kind of awful.

“How is he?” She whispered her question as she let the door shut behind her.

“Sleeping. He’s been out of it for a while now.” The teen didn’t budge from her spot in the chair beside the bed. Instead she seemed to move herself closer to the sleeping man in front of them.

“Yeah. Jesse told me they gave him a strong sedative.” She had been shocked when Jesse said that they had had to sedate Ethan earlier.

That he had become hysterical after waking a little after noon.

They were afraid he would rip his stitches, or worse, try to hurt himself.

So they had given him something to knock him out for a few hours.

She was surprised that it was still working though.

“Mom said he was really emotional when he woke up earlier.” The girl turned to look at her and she looked so lost.

Her eyes were swollen and raw, her cheeks tear-stained and red.

Her voice was scratchy too, like she had recently been sobbing.

It broke Rox’s heart to see her like this. To know that she was hurting during all of this.

She had never meant for this to come down on her the way that it had.

“Yeah. I heard that too.” She wondered if Ethan had said anything when he woke up. If he had asked for her or if he had simply just been an emotional wreck.

"I'm worried about my dad." Ariel’s whispered voice sent a shiver down her spine.

"I know Ariel. I'm sorry." She wanted to tell her that she was worried about him too.

She was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to get through this in one piece.

She was afraid that all of this would ruin him once and for all.

"It's not your fault." She certainly felt like it was her fault.

Their fight two weeks ago had been the catalyst to all of this.

"It's my fault that he's been so closed off.” She had pushed him away and he had shut down. She would never forgive herself for doing this to them. “Your grandpa told me he's been pushing you away. It's my fault that he's been like that and I'm sorry."

"I don't blame you." She could tell the girl was being honest with her. She hoped that she understood that she never meant for any of this to happen.

"Well you should.” She certainly blamed herself. And she knew Ethan did too. “Look, your dad and I had a fight, a bad one. But he shouldn't be taking out his anger on you."

"Mom told me you guys broke up." Ariel’s face said it all.

She knew exactly what went down between them.

She knew exactly how broken they both were.

Rox had always known the girl was smart, but damn was she observant beyond her years.

"We did." She whispered.

"Why?" That was a question she was still trying to answer herself.

She really didn’t know why she had started that fight with Ethan in the parking lot two weeks ago.

And she didn’t know why she had let him walk away without a fight.

"We just...” She let out a sigh as she shifted her focus from the girl in front of her to the man sleeping peacefully just a few feet away. “We don't belong together Ariel."

"Bullshit." The teen’s response shocked her.

She knew the girl didn’t hesitate to get feisty with her father, but she had never once shown her any ounce of disrespect.

Not that she thought that calling her out on her nonsense was disrespectful. Not at this point anyway.

“Ariel…” She would give the girl props. She wasn’t backing down when it came to protecting her father.

“No. I’m sorry.” Ariel turned around and gave Rox her full attention. “But I’m not gonna sugarcoat this for you Rox.”

“Excuse me?” She really didn’t want to fight with the girl.

But she was ready for one should it arise.

“This isn’t fair.” The teen’s voice was soft and broken and she suddenly understood what she meant.

She wasn’t trying to start a fight out of anger.

She was concerned and worried and she just wanted what was best for her father.

“Ariel… please.” It broke Rox’s heart all the same though.

"I want my dad to be happy.” She barely heard the girl’s words but when they registered in her mind she felt her heart shatter in two. That was all she wanted for Ethan as well. “It's what he deserves."

"I can't argue with that." She whispered in response.

Ethan deserved the world and she knew she couldn’t give it to him.

That’s why she had let him go.

"Then why are you pushing him away? You make him happy Rox. He loves you.” The girl was almost pleading with her now, her eyes filling with tears as she wrapped her arms around herself. “Why are you so focused on destroying this? He needs you. And I get the feeling that you need him just as much, if not more."

"It's not that simple Ariel." In reality, it was a lot more simple than she was making it out to be.

But she didn’t want to admit defeat to the teen that easily.

"Then explain it to me." She gave Rox a pointed look. A look that had Leanne Rorish written all over it.

If Rox didn’t 100% know any better, she would swear that the woman had given birth to her fifteen years ago.

And she wouldn’t doubt for a second that Ethan was her biological father.

"You wouldn't understand." She didn’t know what there was for the girl to understand at this point.

She knew she was being ridiculous.

Everyone had told her so.

Noa and Emo reminded her of it constantly. Jesse wouldn’t stop telling her she was being stupid. Martin wouldn’t stop giving her looks that said he knew better.

And Leanne. Well Leanne had laid into her and she had deserved it.

This whole fight was overrated and pathetic and she really, really needed to move on.

"Like hell I wouldn't!” The girl was getting mad and Rox couldn’t blame her. “Look, I've been through a lot in my life and I've seen a lot of shit. I know more than people give me credit for. I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were." She would never in a million years think that Ariel was stupid. She knew better.

The girl may not have been Leanne and Ethan’s biological child, but dammit if she didn’t have their brains, wits, and everything else in between.

"But you're treating me like it.” She guessed that the kid probably felt like that a lot over the past year and a half. She didn’t know the details of Ethan and Leanne’s breakup, but she wondered if Ariel had been caught in the middle like she suspected. “I know you love my dad. And I know he loves you. And that should be enough."

“Things are complicated Ariel. It’s not easy.” They were only complicated because she was making them way.

“Well make them easy. Things were so good.” Ariel was right, things were good. They were better than good. They were great. “You guys were so happy. What changed?”

“It’s really none of your business.” There was absolutely nothing surrounding their breakup that the girl couldn’t handle hearing about.

She didn’t know why she was so focused on shutting everyone around her out.

“But my dad is my business. I’m scared I’m gonna lose him Rox.” She stood up then, moving toward the sleeping man. Rox watched as she let her shaking hand settle on Ethan’s cheek softly. “He… he’s been so lost. I know he’s going through some stuff. And I know that he’s been strong for mom and I because it’s what he does. And he’s been staying strong for you because he loves you. But no one’s strong for him and I…”

“Ariel, honey…” She reached out for the girl, her hand settling on her shoulder as she stepped forward.

She had never had a real relationship with the girl before.

They had never really bonded like Ethan had wanted them too.

It was nothing personal, at least not for Rox. She just couldn’t seem to get the girl to connect with her.

She wondered if it was out of respect for her mother or if they just really didn’t have anything in common.

Either way, it made her a little sad inside that the teen seemed so distant from her sometimes.

“I’m scared.” She gasped out as she turned around.

Rox’s heart shattered into a thousand pieces at the image in front of her.

Ariel was normally the picture of strength and coolness.

She never let anyone see her break.

And yet, here she was, falling to pieces right in front of her.

“Don’t be sweetheart. He would never do anything to hurt you.” She reached forward and pulled the girl into her arms, wrapping her up tightly as she spoke softly into her ear. “Do you hear me? He loves you so much. You’re the most important person in his life and he would never do anything to hurt you.”

“But he’s not getting any better.” Ariel wrapped her arms around her tighter than she expected, her body shaking as she sobbed into her shoulder.

“He’s just started healing hun.” She ran her fingers through the teen’s blonde hair, her lips pressing a soft kiss to her head as she held her tight.

“I don’t mean physically. I mean mentally, and emotionally.” She pulled back a little, rubbing at her eyes as she tried to calm herself. “He’s in such a dark place. I don’t wanna lose him there.”

“You won’t.” Rox brushed her hair from her face and offered her a soft smile.

She hoped that the girl realized just how much her father loved her.

“He needs you.” She whispered.

“No he doesn’t.” Ethan would never need her. Not like he needed Ariel. Not like he needed Leanne. He would always have them to love more. “He has you and your mom. That’s who he needs Ariel.”

“No. He needs you.” Ariel shook her head back and forth as she spoke. “He and mom are never getting back together. And as much as it hurts, I’m old enough to see that and I’m strong enough to accept that. This isn’t a fairy tale and they’re not gonna live happily ever after together and that’s okay.”

“But they could…” She didn’t know why she was so convinced of that, but she couldn’t help it.

She had seen them together, on both good days and bad. And even on their bad days they were better than she and Ethan ever seemed to be.

“No. No they couldn’t.” The girl didn’t seem convinced though. “Dad, he loves you. More than I think you realize. He talks about you all the time and I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. He needs you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

“I beg to differ sweetie, I think that might be you.” Rox offered her a smile in hopes of calming her down some.

She needed the girl to understand that she was her father’s entire world.

That nothing, not even Rox, could trump that.

“Well then you’re the second best thing to happen to him.” She sniffled as she stepped back into Rox’s arms. “Either way, you mean the world to him and I hate watching you two fight. I want you guys back together. It’s what’s right. It’s what makes sense.”

“Ariel…” Rox held her close, her arms tightening around her shoulders as she listened to her cry softly against her shirt.

“Please Rox. Please just talk to him.” She clung to her like she was going to vanish and it broke her. She hated seeing the kid like this. And she knew that if Ethan was aware of how much his daughter was suffering right now, that he would lose his mind. “He needs to know that you still love him, that you still care about him. He needs to know that he hasn’t lost you.”

“I will Ariel, I promise.” She pressed a kiss to her head as she let her eyes wander toward the sleeping man in question.

She knew she needed to make things right.

Not just for her and not just for Ethan, but for the broken girl in her arms who was worried about losing the only father she had left.

—

Rox had stayed with Ariel and Ethan a little bit longer before she decided that she needed some fresh air.

The emotional toll her conversation with the teen had taken on her was overwhelming and she needed to get herself together.

She had tucked the teen in next to her father before pressing a kiss to the top of both of their heads.

And then she had quietly excused herself and made her way toward the parking lot as quickly as her legs would carry her.

She had just made it out the door when she spotted Leanne heading inside and she knew that she needed to talk to the woman.

There was so much she needed to say and she knew that Leanne needed to hear her apology sooner, rather than later.

“Leanne!” She picked up her pace as she tried to catch up with the woman before she disappeared inside the doors. “Wait!”

“Rox, hey.” Leanne slowed her pace then, stopping as Rox made her way toward her. “Is everything okay? Is Ethan alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah, he’s fine.” At least, he was as fine as he was going to get for now. “I just… I wanted to apologize to you for the way I spoke to you yesterday. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Rox.” She looked understanding enough and it both worried and soothed Rox. “You were scared and emotional. I get it. It’s no big deal.”

“But it is a big deal.” She felt horrible for the way she had talked to the other woman. She felt horrible for everything that she had said and done toward her in the past few weeks. She certainly didn’t deserve any of Rox’s anger or animosity. “You were just trying to take care of Ethan and I lost it for no good reason.”

“It’s fine Rox.” Leanne’s shoulders slumped and she hoped that she wasn’t going to lose the will to carry on this conversation.

“Please Leanne. Just accept my apology.” She needed the woman to know that she never meant to hurt her. She never meant for things to get so crazy. “Just know that I never meant to speak to you like that. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. You’re Ethan’s friend and that’s fine. I have no right to get upset about that.”

“You don’t need to be jealous Rox.” She took a deep breath at the other woman’s words.

“I’m not.” She was jealous. A little bit. But she didn’t want to admit that out loud.

“Yes Rox, yes you are.” She let out a sigh as she closed her eyes.

She didn’t want Leanne to think that she hated her.

That wasn’t the case at all.

“I…” She didn’t know what to say.

“And it’s okay. I get it. There’s a tiny part of me that’s jealous of you too.” Leanne jealous of her? That didn’t make any sense. She could have Ethan back in a heartbeat. She wondered if the other woman knew how lucky she was. “I know it’s silly and it’s wrong and I would never act on that feeling, but it’s there.”

“He was yours first.” What was she, twelve?

“This isn’t middle school Rox.” Leanne gave her a funny look and she couldn’t help but let her head fall forward, avoiding the other woman’s eyes. She felt stupid for making such a comment. “I’m not gonna fight over a guy with you just because I had him first.”

“I…” Again, she was at a loss for what to say.

She had never really had friends before.

People who cared about her and her thoughts and feelings.

She was used to being able to just shove stuff aside and ignore it.

She both hated and loved that her friends here at Angels didn’t put up with that bullshit.

“Rox… it’s fine. Really. You two belong together.” Everyone kept saying that and yet… “And he needs you. I see that now more than ever.”

“I love him Leanne. I really do.” And she did. She loved Ethan with every fiber of her being.

It scared her sometimes how much she loved him.

“I know.” Leanne’s voice was soft and the look on her face told Rox all she needed to know.

She was well aware of just how serious this was for her.

“I got scared.” She whispered.

“I got that feeling.” Leanne didn’t seem mad though. Rather, she seemed concerned.

“He wants to get married.” She didn’t know why she was telling the other woman this.

She was sure that she didn’t want to hear the details of their relationship.

“I know.” Yet, she seemed perfectly fine with it.

“He wants to have a baby.” That part was still scaring her to her core.

Even though Ethan knew it probably wouldn’t happen, he was still hopeful, and that terrified her.

“I know that too.” She wondered just how much Leanne knew about their relationship.

It seemed that she knew quite a lot.

“I don’t think I’m ready for those things.” In reality, she wouldn’t have minded those things, but she was so scared of making those kinds of commitments. It terrified her.

“Then tell him that.” Leanne always cut right to the chase didn’t she?

“I did.” And she had. Repeatedly. And it hadn’t seemed to make much of a difference.

“And…?” She was waiting for an answer and Rox didn’t know what to tell her.

“He still wants them.” Ethan hadn’t seemed to change his mind about getting married or having a baby.

Despite Rox’s hesitation.

Despite her fears.

He still wanted them, probably now more than ever.

“He’s always going to want them Rox. That’s not going to stop just because you need time.” Leanne offered her a soft smile, her hands reaching out to take Rox’s upper arms in her hands. “But I can guarantee you that Ethan would never, not in a million years, force either of those things on you.”

“I don’t know how to make things right Leanne.” She practically sobbed out.

She hated being so vulnerable in front of the other woman.

She didn’t want her to see her as weak.

“Go to him Rox. Apologize.” She didn’t even know if she knew how to do that. She didn’t know if she had the strength in her that it would take to apologize to him. “Tell him what’s scaring you. Be honest with him. That’s all he wants from you.”

“I screwed up.” She whispered.

“So what if you did Rox. Learn from my mistake.” Her head snapped up at the other woman’s words. What could Leanne possibly have to teach her when it came to Ethan? “I messed up and I let Ethan walk away without a fight. And while I know that it was for the best in the long run. I know that I shouldn’t have just let him go like that. Don’t do that Rox. Don’t let him walk away from you without trying your hardest to keep him. You two are meant for each other. Everyone knows it. Especially Ethan.”

She wished that she could convince herself of it.

She wished she could wrap her head around everything that was happening.

“I don’t get why you’re so nice to me.” She said softly. She would never understand why Leanne didn’t hate her after everything they had been through. “After everything I’ve done.”

“You haven’t done anything Rox. You got scared.” Scared was an understatement at this point. “You acted out of all of those emotions and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But you’re our friend.” And she was, she was a great friend, especially to Ethan.

And they had been friends too, once.

Before she was even aware of her relationship with Ethan.

Before she even knew that Ethan existed.

“And that’s why I can forgive you.” She squeezed Rox’s arms tightly, her eyes shining in the early afternoon sun as she offered her a smile. “That’s why I can look past this and accept that the things that you said had no bearing. You’re my friend Rox, a good friend, and I want you to be happy.”

“I’m sorry for everything Leanne. Really.” And she was. So very, very sorry.

She hated that this had turned into such a mess.

“I’m sorry too Rox.” Leanne said softly.

“Can we just put this all behind us now?” She wanted to forget that this had ever happened. She wanted to just move on and start over and put this all in the past. “Please?”

“I want nothing more.” Leanne’s smile said it all.

She wanted the same thing and nothing more, nothing less.

And Rox was incredibly thankful that her apology had gone over so well.

She didn’t know what she would do if it hadn’t.


	29. Missing You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox has been missing Ethan something awful. Too bad she doesn’t quite know how to tell him just how much.

Rox had felt horrible that she hadn’t been by Ethan’s side constantly since his accident.

But she just hadn’t been able to bring herself to sit there and watch him suffer.

Not that he seemed to care if she was there anyway.

The last time he had been aware of her presence he had written her off. Told her that he doubted that she loved him. That he was surprised that she seemed to care.

Those words leaving his mouth had hurt her terribly.

She never expected him to say something like that. Ever.

It broke her heart in two and she was still trying to get herself together after everything that had happened.

She had stayed by his side until he was fully asleep and then she had retreated downstairs and climbed into her car with tears in her eyes.

She had just turned the key in the ignition when there was a knock on her passenger side window and she let out a sigh when she saw Martin standing next to the door.

“Martin.” She rolled the window down quickly and eyed him curiously as he dropped his hands to his sides. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just wanted to talk to you for a minute.” His voice was soft and she could see in his eyes how tired he was.

“Okay.” She unlocked the doors and motioned for him to join her inside the vehicle.

She didn’t really wanna get out and risk getting roped back into the hospital.

As much as she loved her friends and their unending support of her relationship with Ethan, right now, she just wanted to be alone.

“Is everything okay with Ethan?” She assumed that whatever Martin wanted it had to do with his son.

“Yeah. Well…” He climbed into the seat beside her and offered her a soft look. “Something’s off with him and I think you might be the key to fixing that.”

“Martin…” She wasn’t in the mood for this right now though.

She just wanted to go home and take a shower and curl up in bed.

She had plans to sleep for the next three days.

“Rox, please.” He sounded defeated and it made her heart hurt.

She knew that he was struggling with whatever was going on with Ethan.

That it was hurting I’m almost as much as it was hurting her.

“Martin, I don’t know what to do okay.” She sighed.

She didn’t know how to fix this.

She had no clue how to make things right.

She just wished that everyone would stop trying to force some kind of reaction out of her about it all.

“Just please talk to him Rox.” Martin was pleading with her and she could tell that it was killing him.

“I…” She let her head fall forward as she let the weight of everything that had happened the past few days weigh on her.

“Please Rox.” She caught sight of Martin’s eyes and it broke her heart.

The man was breaking too.

Everyone around her was breaking.

And it was all her fault.

—

After her chat with Martin she had watched him go, his long legs carrying him back toward the hospital.

She assumed that he must have returned to Ethan’s side since that’s where he had been the past few days.

She felt bad that she hadn’t been able to do the same.

She had driven home in complete silence, the tears rolling down her cheeks effortlessly.

And when she had gotten home she had showered quickly and climbed into bed without a second thought.

She knew that this wasn’t where she belonged. That this wasn’t where she should be. But she couldn’t convince herself to get up and go to him.

Not now. Not after everything.

She had fallen asleep while the sun was still shining.

When she awoke a few hours later the clock on her nightstand read 12:29am.

She couldn’t believe that she had been asleep for almost eight hours.

She had contemplated going back to sleep but then her phone buzzed from it’s spot on the bed and she rolled over to check it.

The name that stared back at her sent a shiver down her spine.

Ethan.

She didn’t know he had his phone on him.

She didn’t know why he was texting her.

But she opened her phone anyway, her eyes reading over the message before she let out a sigh.

_I miss you._ Was all it said.

Three simple words that sent her heart into a complete tailspin.

He certainly hadn’t acted like he missed her earlier.

She tried to come up with what to say in return when it buzzed once more.

_I love you. That hasn’t changed. And it will never change. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can’t imagine my life without you. These past two weeks have been complete hell and I can’t stand it anymore. I know this is all scary for you, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things better again. I hope you’re getting some sleep right now but I would really appreciate it if you would pay me a visit sometime tomorrow. I need to see your beautiful face._ She reread the message three times before she realized that she was crying like a baby.

He wanted to fix things.

He wanted to make them right.

And even though she had no idea how to make that happen, she wanted to do the same.

So instead of responding to his messages she pushed herself from the bed and grabbed her phone, heading toward the bathroom to change as quickly as possible.

If he wanted to see her, she would go to him.

Especially now more than ever.

—

Rox had changed quickly and practically run to her car, the tears still falling down her cheeks as she did her best to make it to Angels without causing an accident.

When she arrived she headed straight for Ethan's room, her body never stopping as she tried to get to him as fast as possible.

But when she arrived she was stopped just outside his door by a panicked looking Leanne.

And her entire world came crashing down around her.

"Leanne!" Rox shouted the other woman's name as she turned her attention toward Ethan's room. "What's going on?"

"He..." Leanne was shaking, visibly shaking. And her eyes were full of tears.

Rox felt her heart break in her chest. She couldn't bear it if something happened to Ethan.

She couldn't lose him. Not now.

Not when she just realized just how much he really meant to her.

"What happened?!" She screamed. "What happened to Ethan?"

She watched as the other woman got ready to speak when Campbell exited the room, Ethan's bed being pulled behind him.

"Campbell! What happened?" She screamed once more.

She was begging for someone, anyone to answer her.

She just wanted to know what was wrong.

"Not now Rox!" He screamed back.

She felt like she couldn't breathe.

Her whole body ached.

Her vision was blurry and her hands were shaking.

"What happened?!" She just wanted someone to tell her what was happening. "Please, just tell me what's wrong?"

She watched as they wheeled Ethan down the hallway away from her.

"Leanne..." The other woman turned toward her just as the sound of foot steps echoed behind her.

She held her breath.

She knew it was coming.

"Mom?" Ariel stuttered out. "Mom, what's going on? Is dad okay?"

"Ariel." Leanne turned her attention toward the girl behind her and Rox closed her eyes. "Your dad..."

"Is he okay?" She barely heard the girl's words as she turned herself to face her. "Is. He. Okay?"

Rox wanted to know the answer to her question and she wanted to know it now.

"He's..." Leanne swallowed as she reached for the girl. "He spiked a fever. The incision in his shoulder is infected. They... they're taking him up to surgery."

"Surgery?" Ariel scrubbed her hand over her face as she turned toward Rox. "Why surgery?"

"I don't know." Rox whispered.

"Mom?" The girl stepped into Leanne's open arms as she sniffled.

"They have to clean out the wound." She said softly.

"I wanna go with him." The teen cried. "I wanna be with him. He needs me!"

"Ariel, honey, calm down." Leanne ran a hand down the girl's back as she offered Rox a look.

She could tell that Leanne was begging for help.

That she wanted her to step in.

"You should be with him!" She screamed.

Rox watched as Ariel pushed herself out of Leanne's arms and stepped away from her.

"Why is he alone?!" The tears pouring down the girl's face were breaking her heart in two. "Why aren't you with him?!"

"Ariel..." Leanne reached for her once again but Ariel shoved her off.

"No!" She shouted. "Someone should be with him!" She turned her attention toward Rox this time and she felt hopeless. "Please Rox. Someone should be with him."

Rox let out a sigh as she closed her eyes.

"I can't honey." She whispered. "I don't have the privileges."

"Mom..." She watched as Leanne's shoulders slumped forward and she sighed. "Please!"

"I'll go." Leanne turned toward Rox with a saddened look. "Can you stay with her?"

Rod nodded her head softly.

"Of course." She whispered. "Come on Ariel, lets get some coffee."

Ariel shook her head back and forth.

"I..." Rox reached out for the girl and pulled her into her arms without a second thought.

She knew the girl was scared of losing the man in question.

She knew she was hurting in so many ways.

"It's okay sweetie." She pressed a kiss to her head as she watched Leanne head down the hallway, following the trail the other doctors had left. "Come on."

She felt Ariel wrap her arms around her tightly, her face burying against her shoulder.

She pressed another kiss to her blonde locks as she held her close.

She hoped the girl got some of the comfort that she needed.

Something to help soften the blow that she had just received.

—

Rox had managed to convince Ariel to go get a cup of coffee with her.

And then she had snuggled her close while they sat in the waiting room, her arm around the girl's shoulders as she laid her head against the older woman's.

They must have both dozed off because the next thing Rox knew Leanne was shaking her shoulder gently.

Her eyes were tired and bloodshot.

Her cheeks tear stained and her hands shaking.

"How is he?" She whispered.

She could feel Ariel still tucked against her side and she didn't want to wake her.

"Resting." Leanne said softly.

"How bad?" She didn't know if she wanted to know the answer to that question.

"He's gonna be okay." She let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. "He'll have to stay put for a few more days, but it's nothing a few rounds of antibiotics and some rest won't fix."

"Where is he now?" She wanted to see him.

No, scratch that, she needed to see him.

"Back in his room." She could tell that Leanne was barely holding on.

She didn't know if it was the stress of the situation or the exhaustion that had done her in, but she was a mess.

"You and Ariel should try and sleep." She said quietly. "I can stay with him."

Leanne nodded her head as she reached forward and brushed back some of the girl's hair.

"She'll want to see him first." Her voice, combined with the movement of her hand, must have woken the teen because the next thing she knew Ariel was opening her eyes and pushing herself up out of her chair.

"Mom?" She rubbed at her sleep filled eyes with the back of her hand. "Is dad okay?"

"He's fine honey." Leanne reached out for the teen and Rox instantly felt very alone.

"I wanna see him." She whispered.

Rox watched as she tucked herself into her mother's arms and she swallowed.

It was times like this when she wished that she had someone to lean on.

"We can go now." Leanne pressed a kiss against the girl's head before pushing her back slightly. "But we can't stay. You have school in a few hours."

"But..." She wanted to argue, Rox could tell. But one look from Leanne had her hanging her head.

"No buts Ariel." She patted the girl's cheek softly as she offered her what Rox assumed was supposed to be a comforting look. "You have two tests today and you can't miss them."

"Can I please stay with him tomorrow?" The teen was pleading in a way that she had never heard before and it made her heart hurt. "Please mom?"

"We'll see how he does today okay sweetie?" Rox understood Leanne's desire to not make promises.

But she knew where Ariel was coming from too.

She needed to be with Ethan, just like Ariel did, and it was killing her standing here instead of being by his side.

"Come on," Leanne turned the girl toward the double doors with a soft smile, "let's get going before it gets any later."

Ariel simply nodded her head and Rox watched as the two started to walk away from her.

But then the teen was stopping in her tracks and she turned back to face her, tears filling her eyes as she locked them with hers.

"Aren't you coming Rox?" She whispered her question and Rox noted that Leanne's head fell forward just a tad.

"Not right now honey." She gave the girl the fakest smile she could manage. "I'll go back in a bit, let you and your mom have some time with him."

She wanted to tell her the truth.

She wanted to tell her that she wouldn't go back there with him because she knew where she wasn't welcome.

She knew where she didn't belong.

And in that moment, the last place she was supposed to be, was by his side.

"Rox..." She shook her head back and forth as she continued to smile at the girl.

"It's okay babe." Ariel sniffled as she shifted her gaze toward her mother. Rox knew that she understood what she was saying without actually saying it. "I promise, I'll go later."

She wanted to say that she had to wait for her mother to leave his side.

But she didn't want to be rude.

After all, it wasn't the poor girl's fault this was all going down this way.

"I'll tell him to be expecting you." She said softly.

Rox simply nodded her head at her words.

And then she was turning back toward the door, her legs carrying her through them with her mother at her side.

And Rox was suddenly left all alone in the OR waiting room, tears running down her cheeks as she tried to maintain her composure.

She just wanted to be by Ethan's side. Now more than ever.

But sadly, now more than ever, did she suspect that he would want anyone but her to be there.

—

Rox had retreated to the cafeteria in search of a snack of some kind.

Instead she ran into Noa who spent twenty minutes convincing her that she needed to go see Ethan.

She had finally caved and told the younger woman that she would go there now.

In reality she just wanted to be left alone.

She had wandered the halls for a bit before she found herself outside the very room she was trying her best to avoid.

She stood there staring at the closed door for a good ten minutes before she finally convinced herself to go inside.

She was expecting to find Leanne and Ariel still by his side.

Or maybe Martin or Jesse.

But instead, she found no one.

Letting out a breath of relief she stepped inside the room and closed the door quietly behind her.

“Rox?” She hadn't expected to hear Ethan's voice echo through the small room and it took her completely off guard.

“Shh Ethan..." She moved toward the bed slowly, her hand reaching out for his subconsciously, "go back to sleep.”

“What time is it?” He asked quietly.

She could barely make out his soft, blue eyes in the dim light of the room, but they looked tired.

“A little after four." She whispered. She let her free hand move up to brush his wild hair off his forehead. He was hot to the touch still and she winced. "You need to rest.”

“So do you.” He locked his eyes with hers as he squeezed her hand gently.

“I’m okay Ethan." She had slept plenty earlier and now she was perfectly content with staying awake and keeping an eye on him. "Close your eyes, try and rest.”

“Lay with me?” His question startled her.

She certainly didn't expect that reaction from him.

Surely he was expecting Leanne to come back any minute now.

“Ethan...” She didn't understand his request so she tried pleading with him instead.

She didn't want to be played.

She didn't want to get hurt.

“Please.” But she could tell by the look in his eyes that he just wanted to hold her.

He wanted her close, real close, and it sent shivers down her spine to even think about being so close to him after all this time.

She hesitated for a second before giving in to him, her body moving to rest beside his on the small bed.

She was shocked when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her against his side with a gentle tug.

"Relax." He whispered.

She could tell that he sensed her anxiety about being here.

She could tell that he wasn't liking it one bit either.

After a minute of sitting in silence she finally caved and she allowed her body to sink back against the mattress.

Her head fell to his shoulder as she let out a soft sigh.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered as he dropped a kiss to her head.

She felt her heart start to race in her chest.

He hadn't done that in two weeks.

Two long weeks without his lips against her skin.

It was almost more than she could handle.

“I’ve missed you too.” She whispered back.

She felt him tighten his grip around her shoulders before relaxing back against the pillow.

She knew he had to be downright exhausted after everything that had happened.

“I’m sorry.” His apology shocked her.

He really had nothing to be sorry for.

It was her who had screwed up, not him.

“I know Ethan.” She said softly.

She let her hand settle against his chest, her fingers pressing lightly against his bare skin.

He was warm to the touch and it made her hurt in ways she didn't know existed.

She had never felt this much love toward anyone before.

She had never been this scared of losing anyone.

“I wanna make things right again.” She closed her eyes as she let her head settle further against his good shoulder.

She wished more than anything that they were back home, curled up in her bed with the sheets tangled around their naked bodies.

Not here, in a hospital bed, barely holding on to each other.

“I know.” And she did know.

She knew he wanted to make thinks right.

She knew he just wanted their life together again.

“Don’t you?” He asked softly.

“I do...” She whispered.

She wanted to make things right.

She wanted to be back in his life again.

“But?” The fact that he could sense her fears even now made her shiver.

He knew her better than anyone and it killed her.

“I just... I wanna make sure we do this right." She let out a sigh as she closed her eyes. "I don’t wanna have any more fights like that. I don’t wanna keep getting hurt.”

She was tired of feeling so broken all the time.

And while she was just as much to blame as him, she still didn't like it one bit.

“Stop pushing me away then.” He whispered.

“Ethan...” It's not that she did it on purpose.

She loved him. More than she had ever loved anyone.

She wanted him to know all the parts of her.

She didn't want to keep him at arm's length anymore.

“I love you Rox. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. And I just want us to be happy together." She turned her head so that she could see his face. His eyes were half open and she could see the anguish in them. She had broken him by pushing him so far. "I want to make this work, but I need you to help me out. I need to know that you’re all in here.”

“I am Ethan.” She whispered.

He shifted his gaze toward her and let out a sigh, his head shaking back and forth in defeat.

“Then what’s the issue?” He asked softly.

He was seeing right through her mask and she hated it.

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now.” She let her head fall back to his shoulder as she bit back a wave of tears.

She didn't want to cry.

She was so tired of crying.

“Rox...” He said her name softly as he let the fingers of his good hand trail over her bare arm. "Please."

“No Ethan." It was her turn to shake her head back and forth. "It’s late, I’ve had a very rough past few days and so have you. Can we please just close our eyes and sleep for a while?”

“We need to talk.” He sounded so sad and lonely and lost and she knew exactly how he felt.

“We can talk later.” But she didn't want to acknowledge that pain right now. Not in him, and certainly not in her.

“You promise?” She could hear his voice getting softer as he sank back against the pillow with a sigh.

“Yes Ethan, I promise." She pressed a gentle kiss against his shoulder as she snuggled herself closer to his side. "We’ll talk later.”

“Okay." He kissed her head softly before settling in and she heard him let out a gentle huff as he let his body finally start to relax. "Goodnight Roxane.”

“Goodnight Ethan.” She whispered back.

When she looked up a few minutes later he was already asleep.

His eyes closed and a sad look on his face.

She hoped that he wouldn't be plagued by bad dreams like she had been.

She hoped that he could rest soundly and peacefully now that she was by his side again.


	30. Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan wakes up to find a surprise visitor in his hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I promise Ethan isn’t losing his mind.  
> **This is a longer chapter and I’m thankful because I won’t be able to post quite as frequently as before since I went back to work on Monday.  
> ***Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne and current Leanne/Ed.

When Ethan woke up the following night everything felt heavy and faded.

His head was still pounding and his shoulder was on fire.

His arms and legs felt like they were made of rubber.

He felt so, off, and he hated it.

He let his eyes stay closed for a minute as he tried to gather his thoughts and when he opened them he was met with complete darkness.

He didn’t know what time it was, but it felt like the middle of the night and it worried him.

He remembered Rox climbing into bed with him early that morning.

Had he really slept another day completely away?

“Ethan.” The voice that said his name was certainly not a voice he ever expected to hear again.

“Robbie?” He blinked his eyes slowly as he tried to figure out where the voice was coming from.

“Hey E.” And then he saw him, sitting in the chair in the corner, his body barely visible by the light from his monitor.

“What time is it?” He figured he should probably be more concerned about why he was seeing his dead brother’s ghost and not the time, but he had been through so much the past few days that it was honestly the least of his worries.

“Little after midnight.” Damn, he had slept through another day.

“What are you doing here?” He whispered his question as he tried to push himself up into a sitting position.

He had no luck though and he let out a huff when Robbie chuckled from his spot.

“Didn’t want you to be alone.” Robbie rose from his seat and moved toward him, stopping next to the bed and offering Ethan a smile.

“But… I am...” And he was alone.

Robbie wasn’t real. He was a ghost. Ethan knew that.

“I’m not leaving bro.” He let out a sigh at his brother’s tone. He always was the obstinate one. “That girl of yours is supposed to be coming back soon. I’ll wait until she arrives.”

“Rox...” He wished she was here.

He had felt so much more at peace with her tucked against his side earlier.

He hadn’t even heard her leave and he wished that he knew where she was.

“Yeah her. Rox.” Robbie gave him a look that said that he needed to start talking, and soon.

“She wants to see me?” He was still in shock that she had come around in the first place.

The fact that she wanted to come back was astounding.

“I guess so. I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders as he pulled the chair he had just vacated up and parked it next to the bed. “Heard her telling dad she’d be back soon.”

“Oh.” Ethan closed as his eyes as he heard Robbie take a seat.

He let out another sigh before opening his eyes again and giving the man a once over.

The last time Ethan had seen him he was dressed in his uniform, but not this time.

No, tonight he looked like everyday Robbie, clad in jeans and a Dodgers t-shirt. His hair was a wild mess and he was wearing the motorcycle boots with the hole in them.

Ethan wasn’t aware that ghosts were allowed wardrobe changes but it was comforting to know that his brother looked more like himself this time around.

“Ethan...” Robbie must have been able to tell that his mind was wandering because he squeezed his hand gently and offered him a soft look.

“I said some things...” He was surprised that he remembered his conversation with his dad and Leanne from earlier.

But he did. And it was embarrassing.

“You always do.” Robbie chuckled.

He always did pride Ethan on being the goofy one.

“Leanne and Dad…” He closed his eyes as he shook his head.

He couldn’t believe some of the things that had left his mouth.

“I doubt they cared much dude.” In all honesty, it could have been worse. “You’re pretty drugged. They know you’re not quite right in the head.”

Leanne knew him better than anyone, other than Robbie of course, and his dad understood him well enough to know where his head was.

“Clearly.” He turned toward Robbie and offered him a smile. “I’m seeing my dead brother’s ghost.”

Robbie let out a laugh as he leaned back in his chair.

“Good one.” He pointed at him and rolled his eyes.

God how Ethan had missed this.

“Am I dead?” Not that he wanted to die, but having his brother by his side again would have been a perk.

“Not quite E.” He whispered.

He wondered if Robbie missed him just as much.

“How long have you been here?” He wondered if he had watched him make a fool of himself in front of Rox two weeks ago.

If he had watched him push Leanne and Ariel away.

If he had witnessed his fight with his dad.

“Long enough to know that you have a slew of people who love you and want you to get better.” He patted his arm with his words and Ethan watched a solemn look come over his face.

“Same people loved you too Robbie.” And that was true.

He had never wanted his brother to suffer. And he certainly never wanted him to die.

And neither did their dad. Despite their differences, Ethan knew that he loved them both.

And Leanne adored Robbie. She had been just as heartbroken after his death as they had.

“Not like they love you.” He chuckled as he closed his eyes and then opened them again. “And man, that kid of yours…”

“Ariel?” He wondered if that’s who Robbie was talking about.

That was the only ‘kid’ he had so he was going to assume that was who he was referring too.

“Yeah, her.” Robbie offered him a soft smile as he spoke.

“What about her?” His brother had never had the pleasure of getting to meet Ariel and it killed Ethan sometimes.

They would have been two peas in a pod.

“She’s got quite the mouth on her.” Ethan rolled his eyes at Robbie’s comment. They were slowly working on that issue with her, but she was a feisty thing once she got going. “Pretty strong willed thing too. You sure she ain’t yours?”

“She’s mine in all the ways that count.” And she was. She may not have shared half of his DNA but she was just as much his.

“She’s a good kid. She told that girlfriend of yours that you two belong together. She was pretty adamant about it too.” He could see it now, Ariel and Rox going toe-to-toe about him and their relationship. He knew that Ariel liked Rox, but he didn’t realize that it meant that much to her that they stayed together. “And I know I don’t know much, ya know, considering I’m dead and all, but I’m inclined to agree with the kid.”

“Why... why would she tell Rox that?” However, he knew that deep down she would always want him and Leanne to get back together. “I didn’t think she cared for her much.”

“Apparently she does. She seems to really love you.” He felt his heart swell at his brother’s words. He used to wonder if he would be a good father to her, if he could give her a good life like she deserved. “You and Leanne are doing a great job with her.”

“She’s so… she’s a great kid Robbie.” And she was. After everything that she had been through she came through it all with flying colors. She was the strongest kid he knew and he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. She was his entire world. “I wish you could have really met her. You guys would’ve gotten along great.”

“I can tell.” They would have driven him absolutely crazy, of that he was certain, but he would have loved having them by his side through everything.

“I screwed up Robbie.” He whispered.

“I know Ethan.” He patted his arm once more and offered him a sympathetic look. “You can fix this though.”

“Can I?” He didn’t think he could.

He was pretty certain that he had screwed up.

That he had lost Rox forever.

And it was slowly killing him.

“Yeah man, you can.” His brother was normally the pessimist of the two, so to hear him say that made his heart flutter. “If you two work together, you can make it work. You belong together.”

“I love her.” And he did, more than anything.

He just wanted her back in his arms again.

Back where she belonged.

“I know. And she knows.” He wondered how Robbie knew that.

How long had he been watching them? How much of their relationship did he really know about?

“I wanna see her.” He didn’t know when she had left but he already missed her being by her side.

“You will E. She’ll be here soon.” He hoped she hurried up. “Try and sleep until then okay?”

“Okay.” He closed his eyes as he settled back against the pillow. He realized that if Rox showed up though it would mean that Robbie would leave. “Hey Robbie...”

“Yeah man?” He opened his eyes as Robbie shifted in his seat.

“I miss you. A lot.” He whispered.

He felt tears coming to his eyes and his heart was pounding in his chest.

He hated that his brother was gone.

It was the most miserable feeling in the world.

“I miss you too bro.” Robbie whispered back.

“Promise me you won’t stop looking out for me?” He needed his brother to keep watching over him. 

He needed him to keep making sure that he was getting by okay.

“Always man.” Robbie patted his shoulder gently and offered him a big smile. “You always had my back when we were kids, now it’s my turn.”

Ethan blinked back the tears in his eyes as he huffed.

“I love you kid.” He whispered, his eyes growing heavy all of a sudden.

“Love you too dude.” And before Ethan could respond his body gave in to sleep.

\--

When he woke up a few hours later Robbie was still in the chair next to the bed, his arms crossed over his chest, his head tilted backward as he snored softly.

Ethan mustered up all the strength he could manage and kicked the chair gently with his foot.

Robbie shook himself awake before shooting a glare in his direction.

“You know Robbie,” Ethan pushed himself up into as much of a sitting position as he could and he offered his brother a smile, “I didn’t think ghosts needed to sleep.”

“No rest for the wicked man.” The younger man winked at him as he adjusted himself. “Besides, keeping up with your life is exhausting.”

Ethan rolled his eyes at his brother’s words.

If only he knew.

“Did Rox ever come back?” He whispered his question as he closed his eyes.

He hoped that she hadn’t only because he wanted to see her.

He wanted her to come when he was awake and could actually talk to her and hold her.

“She poked her head in for a minute.” His eyes popped back open as he turned his attention back toward the man beside him. “I guess she saw that you were sleeping so she went on her way.”

“Dammit.” He muttered.

He was pissed at himself for sleeping for so much.

He just wanted to go home and be with his family.

Not stuck in this damn bed all day.

Robbie got ready to respond when the door to the room opened slowly.

Ethan shifted his gaze toward the door, praying that it was Rox and no one else.

"Ethan..." But he had no such luck.

Instead, Leanne poked her head through the door and eyed him softly.

"Leanne!” He wondered if she had heard him talking to himself a few minutes ago. “Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I came to check on you." She pushed her way into the room before shutting the door behind her quietly.

"I'm fine." In reality, he was anything but fine, but he didn’t want her to know that.

"You we're talking to yourself..." She whispered.

"Yeah. Sorry.” He hung his head in shame and he watched as Robbie shook his head. “It's been a long day."

"Ethan..." Leanne knew better though.

She knew there was something going on with him.

She always did.

"What?" He didn’t want to go there with her though.

He didn’t want her to know that he was slowly losing his mind.

"Who were you talking to?" Her question was soft as she moved to sit on the bed beside him.

"No one..." He whispered.

"Ethan James stop it.” She took a gentle hold of his hand as she gave him a soft look. “Tell me who you were talking to."

"Robbie..." He watched as Robbie shrugged his shoulders before standing.

He prayed that he wouldn’t leave just because Leanne was here.

He wasn’t ready to say ‘goodbye’, again.

"Robbie?” She raised an eyebrow as she lifted her right hand up to brush across his forehead. He knew that she must have suspected that he had a fever again. “Robbie's dead Ethan."

"I know." And he did know.

His brother was dead and he was never coming back.

Except, he did, occasionally.

"So...?" Leanne didn’t seem convinced and he couldn’t really blame her.

"So...?” This time it was Ethan who raised an eyebrow. “You asked who I was talking to, I told you."

"You were talking to Robbie?" She was still skeptical and that was okay.

If she had told him that she was talking to a ghost he probably would have looked at her funny too.

"Yes." He said softly, closing his eyes.

When he opened them back up Robbie was pacing the room, his long legs carrying him across the small space quickly.

"Oookay." She didn’t seem entirely freaked out by the situation, which he supposed was good.

They sat in silence for a few minutes and he watched as Robbie leaned back against the counter by the door. He was staring at Leanne and Ethan wondered what was going through his mind.

"Is he still here?" She asked quietly.

Robbie let out a soft laugh as he nodded his head and Ethan rolled his eyes.

Surely he didn’t think that Leanne would be able to see him too.

"Yeah.” He shifted his gaze toward the other man and he couldn’t help but smile when Robbie started to speak. “He says 'hi'. Says you look good."

"Hi Robbie." She shifted her gaze to his right and waved softly with her words.

"He's over there." Ethan pointed toward the door though and Leanne turned slowly, as if she was expecting the man to magically appear behind her.

"Hi Robbie." She whispered.

Ethan chuckled when Robbie waved rather enthusiastically at her.

"He waved." He said with a smile.

"This is weird Ethan." Leanne stared at the spot where Robbie was standing and Ethan could almost feel the confusion radiating off of her.

"You're telling me.” He blinked his eyes a few times, offering her a soft smile as she turned back around to face him. “I’m the one seeing dead people.”

“Do you need a psych consult while you’re here?” Her question wasn’t unwarranted, but he rolled his eyes nonetheless.

“No!” He shot Robbie a glare as the younger man let out a laugh. That would surely make his brother’s day. “I’m perfectly healthy in that aspect.”

“You’re seeing dead people…” She raised an eyebrow as she dragged out her words.

He knew this was weird.

He knew that most people would consider him crazy at this point.

But he wasn’t crazy, he just missed his brother.

And his brother had always been his rock in rough situations. He had always been the one to get him through tough times. He just needed someone to lean on for a little bit and Robbie was the perfect person for that.

So what if he was dead.

“Well, only one dead person. And I at least I know this dead person.” He shrugged as he tried to lighten the mood as best as possible. “There’s no weird sixth sense shit going on here.”

“I’m gonna get Amanda.” She reached down to pull her cell out of her pocket and he reached out quickly to stop her.

He didn’t need Amanda.

He didn’t need anyone.

He just wanted to spend some time with his brother. He didn’t understand what was wrong with that.

“Leanne!” He shouted her name and she jumped slightly. “I’m fine!”

She rolled her eyes at him as she turned back toward the direction in which he had told her that Robbie was standing.

“Robbie, go away.” He knew that she wasn’t trying to be mean, but he didn’t appreciate her trying to get rid of the man.

“He doesn’t appreciate that.” Robbie had had a few choice words for her after that remark and Ethan was trying not to bust out laughing as his response.

“It’s nothing personal, I promise.” He knew that Leanne adored Robbie and that she would never have actually sent him away

“She just wants me to go back to being sane.” He whispered.

He knew what she was thinking.

He knew that she was worried that he was going off the deep end again.

And while he appreciated her concern, he didn’t need it.

He was fine.

“Ethan…” She dragged out his name as she turned back to face him once more.

“He says there’s a fat chance in hell of me ever being sane.” Robbie had always thought he was a little, off, about some things.

This was the perfect ammunition for him.

“Well, Robbie, please,” She turned back around and pleaded with the empty space next to the door, “just, give us a minute.”

“He said ‘fine’.” Robbie had rolled his eyes before nodding his head and vanishing.

Ethan felt like a piece of him was suddenly missing and he hated it.

They sat in silence once more for a few minutes while Leanne stared at him.

It was making him incredibly uncomfortable.

“Is he gone?” She whispered her question and he wondered if she was trying to make sure that Robbie didn’t hear her if he was still around.

“Yes.” He said softly.

He was gone, just like before, and Ethan prayed that he wouldn’t stay away for too long.

“Ethan…” He could tell that she wasn’t convinced though.

“He’s gone Lea.” He said sadly. “I promise.”

“Why are you seeing Robbie’s ghost?” She sounded genuinely concerned and he understood why.

A break from the psyche like that was normally associated with some sort of trauma.

And while being pummeled by a drug addict in the middle of Center Stage was certainly a stressful event, it wasn’t exactly traumatic enough to warrant this kind of behavior.

“I don’t know.” He whispered.

He didn’t know why he was seeing his brother.

Maybe it was all the mental and emotional turmoil that he had been through the past few weeks.

Maybe losing Rox and then trying to subsequently drink himself into the ground wasn’t the best idea he had ever had.

“Is this the first time?” She had to know the answer to this question.

Surely Campbell had told her that he was seeing his brother when he was in San Diego.

There’s no way the man would ever let him live that kind of situation down.

“No.” He didn’t want to have this discussion with anyone, but he figured having it with Leanne was his best option.

“When?” She asked softly.

“Huh?” He was confused by her question.

When what?

“When else have you seen Robbie’s ghost?” She reached out and brushed his stray hair aside, her fingers lingering over his temple.

He knew that she was still suspecting a fever to be the cause of his insane behavior.

“When I was in San Diego.” He had been shocked when his brother had shown up at his side.

And even though he hadn’t recognized him at first, he had known from the start that the man was significant somehow.

“With Rox?” He should have known that bringing up that trying time would make her cautious.

Ariel had run away that same day.

Their daughter had left without a trace, no phone calls, no notes, nothing.

And Leanne had come home to an empty house while Ethan sat hundreds of miles away holding another woman’s hand and begging her to wake up.

He hadn’t been there when Leanne had needed him the most and he suspected that that had been the final straw in their relationship.

“Yeah. He was at the hospital with me.” Robbie had remarked on how he thought it was odd that Ethan was with Rox and not Leanne too. Apparently his little brother wasn’t convinced that he was in love with the paramedic. “In the brig too.”

“And before that?” She let her hand fall down to rest against his cheek as she offered him a soft smile.

“Never.” He didn’t want to admit to having seen his brother’s ghost multiple times over the years.

“Ethan James Willis, I am not in the mood for your shenanigans right now.” She wasn’t playing and he could tell. “Have you seen him before then?”

“Yes.” He whispered.

“When?” She asked the question again and he let out a sigh.

His head hurt and he just wanted to go back to sleep.

“After he died. He was at the funeral.” And he meant that he was actually there too, not just that his body was laying in the casket. “And then during the outbreak.”

“The funeral?” Leanne had been by his side through the whole thing.

She had held his hand through the service and the entire drive to the cemetery.

And then she had stayed pressed against his side as they had stood huddled under an umbrella. When they had finally made it to the wake she hadn’t let him out of his sight, her eyes following him around the small house of Robbie’s girlfriend.

That night he had driven her home in silence and they had sat in the driveway just talking for a good thirty minutes before he finally walked her to the door.

She had invited him to stay the night that night and they had made love for the first time as a thunderstorm rattled the house and knocked out the power.

He had spent the rest of the weekend wrapped around her naked body and while his heart was breaking in his chest at the fact that he had just lost his brother, he was full of a new kind of hope and peace and he prayed that it never went away.

“He was watching from across the lot.” He had been shocked when he had looked up at one point during the graveside service to see Robbie standing across the lot. He was dressed in his pajamas, his hair a wild mess and a five o’clock shadow covering his chin. He looked just the way Ethan had found him when he discovered his body a week prior. “We didn’t talk then. He just stood there.”

He had started to cry even more when he had seen the kid and he remembered his dad simply raising an eyebrow in the same direction.

He wondered if Martin could see him too. If he had seen his son standing there in the pouring rain, looking very much like the child their father still thought he was.

“I’m sorry Ethan.” She whispered.

Her thumb stroked across his cheek as she wiped away the tears that he hadn’t even been aware of.

“I didn’t see him again until you and Ariel were in the tent.” He had been confused when he had seen Robbie show up during that horrible time.

“Why then?” That had been a scary time for them both and he knew that Leanne hated reliving it.

They may have gotten something good out of the whole mess, but even having Ariel come into their lives had barely made up for the tragedy they had lived through.

“I don’t know. He just appeared by my side while I stood there watching.” Robbie had told him to stop being a wuss and to get himself together. He had yelled at him about how he couldn’t let Leanne die because she was the best thing that he had ever happened to him. How Ariel needed him to be there for her because she had lost everyone, just like him, just like Leanne. Robbie had told him then that they were going to become his new family. He hadn’t believed him then, but he was thankful that he had been right. “He told me not to give up. That I had to be strong, for you, for the kid.”

“Oh.” Leanne had been shocked when he had sat by her side, and Ariel’s, through the whole thing.

She had even told him afterward that she expected him to run once Ariel came around. And once she had made the decision to keep her, she had counted on Ethan being out the door.

But instead he had welcomed the teen into their home with open arms and he hadn’t looked back since.

He loved that little girl more than he had ever loved anyone.

And he was thankful that Robbie had made him see just how important she was to him.

“He really liked you you know?” He whispered his question as he offered Leanne a soft look.

“I know.” She whispered back. “He told me.”

Robbie and Leanne had had an interesting relationship from the start.

They had quickly become friends, and they had teased Ethan mercilessly.

He was glad that they had each other, and even though they had only known each other for a year before Robbie passed away, they had bonded.

“He wanted us to get married.” He had never told Leanne that Robbie had been such a strong supporter of their relationship.

And even though he and Leanne hadn’t really been much of a couple, Robbie had declared that they were destined to wed.

If only he had known.

“He didn’t know me that well.” She said softly.

“He’s been watching us.” He should have known that Robbie would keep tabs on his relationship with Leanne. “He thought we were destined to last.”

And so had he.

He would have sworn that he and Leanne would get married someday.

Maybe have a baby or two of their own.

Raise their kids and Ariel together in a little house with a white picket fence and a dog or two.

He had had a dream back then of them and their life together.

Now it was just a nightmare that haunted him sometimes.

A nightmare of what could have been.

“So did I.” She whispered.

He could see the hurt in her eyes.

The way she must have been haunted by their failed relationship as well.

He knew that sometimes it was still hard for her to handle.

That sometimes she missed him and what they had.

Even if she would never come right out and say it.

“Yeah, well.” He shrugged his shoulders at her and let out a sigh.

They had both been to blame for the downfall of things.

He wished that he could say differently. He wished that he could point the fingers solely at her, or him, but he couldn’t. They had both failed each other.

“I wish he was still here Ethan.” Leanne dropped her hand from his cheek to rest against his shoulder and she offered him a soft smile.

“Me too.” He wished more than anything that his brother was still here.

He needed him by his side right now more than ever.

“I should go.” She squeezed his shoulder softly. “You need to rest.”

“I’m okay Lea.” And he was, he was fine. The headache would settle with some sleep and the painkillers were taking care of his shoulder pain. He just wanted to get out of there and back to his life. “I’m just… I’m ready to go home.”

“To Rox?” He barely heard her question but he could feel the pain in her words.

Some days he wondered if she really did still want him back.

“If she’ll have me.” He doubted that she would take him back.

He didn’t know why she would.

“She told me you want to get married.” There was a hint of something in her voice that almost sounded like jealousy and it made his heart hurt.

“Yeah.” He had talked to Rox about the prospect of getting married and it had scared her, bad.

“Have you asked her yet?” Leanne had to know that the answer to that question was no.

“No.” He replied as he gave her a look that silently pleaded with her to drop the subject.

“You scared too?” He rolled his eyes at her question.

Of course he wasn’t scared.

“Yeah know, I’ve proposed twice before, and yet, I’m still not married.” He huffed out. “It’s not like I have the greatest track record when it comes to these things.”

He didn’t exactly have a good track record when it came to getting women to marry him.

He pretended to not be hurt by that, but sometimes, it was a little painful.

Was he really that bad of a man that no one could imagine spending the rest of their lives with him?

“You and Megan weren’t together very long Ethan.” He rolled his eyes. If only that had been why he and Megan hadn’t lasted. “I’m not surprised she said ‘no’ to you.”

“We were together 2.5 years.” He spat out. “What’s your excuse?”

“You know why I said ‘no’ Ethan.” No, actually, he didn’t know why she had said ‘no’.

And so angrily too.

“You got scared.” He whispered.

He wished that was really the reason, but he knew there was more to it. 

“I had Ariel to worry about.” He let out a sigh at her response.

He hated it when she used that excuse.

“Bullshit. She was ours to worry about together.” They had made a deal after all. The girl was theirs, together. They would raise her, together. “You had no excuse Lea. You just didn’t love me enough. Plain and simple as that.”

“That’s not true Ethan.” He saw the tears in her eyes and part of him regretted that he was getting angry with her. She had been through so much since the accident. She had every right to turn down his proposal. “I loved you more than anything. You know that.”

“Not enough to marry me?” But it still broke his heart when she had turned him down.

“I wasn’t ready.” She whispered.

“Would you ever have been ready?” At one point he had been willing to wait forever for her.

But then forever hadn’t been enough and he had gotten tired of waiting.

They had fought constantly over the issue and eventually it just became too much for them.

They had dragged their daughter in the middle and they had turned each other into monsters.

It had only made sense for them to both walk away.

“Maybe.” She shrugged her shoulders as she wiped at her eyes.

“So if we had stayed together,” He reached out and ran his hand along her arm, “would you have ever said ‘yes’?”

“Maybe.” He sighed once more.

“Maybe wasn’t enough.” He had needed more of a promise than that.

He was ready to spend the rest of his life with her and Ariel.

He needed to know that she felt the same way.

“I know.” He could hear the hurt in her voice and he closed his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow. “That’s why we broke up isn’t it?”

“You know it’s not.” He whispered.

“I wasn’t gonna hold you back any more Ethan.” He didn’t understand her reasoning back then and he didn’t understand it now. “You deserved better.”

“I didn’t want better. I wanted you.” That was it. That was all he had wanted since they had met at that shitty dive bar downtown almost five years ago. “You and Ariel. You were my family. You still are.”

“So is Rox.” She had rather adamant that he not forget to include the other woman in his future.

“I love her Lea.” And he did. He loved her so much it hurt. And every fiber of his being ached when he was away from her. “I… I can’t…”

“I know Ethan.” She ran her hand down his chest with a soft sigh before letting it drop to the bed. “You can’t live without her.”

“I can’t.” It had been so hard without her by his side. It was where she belonged. “I’ve been miserable these last two weeks. It’s killing me.”

“So I’ve heard.” She said softly.

“From who?” He wondered who was going around telling Leanne these things.

He didn’t really want her to have to worry about his relationship status.

It wasn’t really her concern anymore.

“Your dad.” He reopened his eyes and offered her a soft glare. “Ariel. Rox.”

“They’ve been talking to you?” He didn’t understand why everyone was getting involved in this.

“Ariel’s been scared.” She whispered.

“Of me?” He never wanted his daughter to grow up scared of him.

She had been through plenty of that when she was in foster care.

“For you.” The tears returned to Leanne’s eyes as she settled her hand on his leg this time. “She was worried you would take your own life.”

“I… oh God.” He couldn’t believe that Ariel would think something like that. He would never do something to hurt her. “She must be so scared.”

“She was. Still is.” He hated the idea of the teen being scared for him. It was almost as bad as being scared of him. “She can’t lose you Ethan. You mean everything to her.”

“She means everything to me too.” He whispered.

She was his whole world and he would do anything for her.

“She doesn’t know about Robbie does she?” He snapped his eyes up at Leanne’s question.

“No. Not unless someone else has told her.” He had never felt like it was an appropriate time to bring up Robbie’s death, especially considering the circumstances for which he took his own life. “I never felt comfortable talking to her about it. She’s too young.”

“She’s more mature than you think Ethan.” He knew that now.

“Maybe now.” He knew the girl could handle the conversation now. That didn’t mean he was ready for it though. “She’s come a long way over the past year.”

“She’s strong.” She was strong. The strongest kid he had ever met.

She had been through hell when she was in the system and he was surprised that she was as well rounded as she was.

“She reminds me of Robbie.” And she did, in so many ways.

“Yeah. I can see that.” Leanne smiled softly at him as she closed her eyes for a brief second.

“I’m sorry Lea. I’m sorry for everything.” He whispered. “For pushing you, for pulling away. I’m sorry I screwed it all up.”

“It’s okay Ethan. I just wish you would have talked to me about everything.” He wished he had talked to her too. She had always had his back and she had always been there for him. That had never stopped, even when they were fighting. “I could have helped. Ariel and I could have helped.”

“I’m still sorry.” And he was.

She had never deserved the shit that he had put her through.

“It’s okay.” She squeezed his hand as she offered him a smile.

“I love you Lea.” It made his heart hurt to say those words but he needed to get that out there. He needed her to know that she meant everything to him. That he still cared about her. “I never stopped. And part of me will always love you.”

“I know Ethan.” Her voice was broken and he watched as a few tears rolled down her cheeks. “I love you too.”

“Things could have been different.” He wanted to reach his hand out and brush the tears away, but he kept himself in check.

It wasn’t his place to do that. Not anymore.

She had Ed for that now.

And while their relationship was still a complete mystery to him, he was pretty certain that there was more to the sudden connection than them just being friends.

“Yeah, I know. But they aren’t.” They had tried to fix things once, but it just wasn’t the same. They had both lost a certain amount of respect for each other and it had made things difficult to work through. “They are the way they are and we just have to roll with it.”

“I’m glad that you’re still here. That you didn’t tell me to get lost.” She would have had every right to kick him completely to the curb. She could have easily taken Ariel away from him too. “I don’t know what I would have done if we weren’t still friends. If I had lost Ariel…”

“I never would have taken her from you. Ever.” She had told him that when they had broken up too and he had struggled to believe her for a while. “You’re her father Ethan, in all the ways that matter most. I would never do that to either one of you.”

“Thank you.” He said softly.

“You’re welcome.” She squeezed his hand once more and he smiled back at her.

“So…” He raised an eyebrow as he asked the question he had been dying to get an answer to. “You and Ed huh?”

“Shut up Ethan.” She swatted at his shoulder with her right hand and he chuckled.

So there was something going on there.

“How long has it been going on?” Not that it was any of his business, but he had been quite open with her about his relationship with Rox, so he figured it was only fair.

“Six months.” She whispered as a blush crept over her cheeks.

He had been right on the money about that one then.

She had vanished for a weekend not to long before he and Rox had gone away to the mountains and he had Ariel all to himself for four days straight.

The teen had been more than thrilled and when she had told him that Leanne was going away with a ‘friend’ he had just laughed it off.

But now it all made sense.

“Figured as much.” He smiled as he squeezed her hand. “You deserve to be happy Lea.”

“Thank you.” She squeezed his hand back as she returned his smile. “But if you tell anyone…”

“I know, I know,” He chuckled, “you’ll inject me with something in my sleep that no one will ever be able to find.”

“Damn straight.” She said with a smile.

“Thank you for everything Lea.” He said quietly. “For talking to Rox, for helping her through this. For not giving up on me”

“She’s a good woman Ethan.” She replied as she pushed herself to stand. “She deserves the best. And so do you.”

“Aw shucks.” He felt a blush creep across his cheeks and Leanne let out a laugh.

“Go back to sleep Ethan.” She pulled the covers up to his shoulders as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Yes ma’am.” He mock saluted her and she rolled her eyes before making her way to the door.

“Get some rest.” She whispered. “I’ll be back in the morning.”

“Goodnight Lea.” He smiled at her as she pulled the door open and she returned it before stepping outside.

“Goodnight Ethan.” She called back.

And the next thing he knew the room was silent again.

And he was all alone.


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan gets a surprise visitor in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I know there’s only like one person still reading this, but I still apologize for the delay, life has been a nightmare lately.

Rox had been beyond skeptical about going to Ethan's the night of the fire.

In fact, she had sat in her car for almost an hour before she gathered up the courage.

She didn't know if he would let her in.

Not after everything that had happened between them.

And while they had talked about making amends when Ethan was still in the hospital, they had yet to follow through with anything.

They actually hadn't talked at all in the five days that he had been home and she was so frustrated with herself for letting it get this far.

She had needed a reason to push herself into seeing him.

Tonight's events had been the perfect opening.

She had pulled into the driveway of Ethan's house at a little after 1:00am and she was pleased to see that his father wasn't there.

She had been worried that the older man would have been around which would have made things extremely awkward.

Letting out a breath she slowly exited the vehicle before making her way up the drive and toward the house.

All the lights were off and she hoped that ringing the doorbell at this late hour wouldn't upset Ethan, or Ariel if the teen happened to be around.

She hesitated before pressing the button and after hearing the ring echo throughout the quiet house she stood and waited.

She waited for any sign of movement. For any sign that Ethan was going to come and let her in.

It was silent for a minute before she heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

She heard Ethan let out a slew of curse words as something fell to the ground and then the next thing she knew the front door was being yanked opened.

"Rox?" Ethan's voice was sleepy and his eyes were heavy and Rox suddenly felt bad for waking him.

"Hey." She offered him a soft smile and he returned it as he stepped back and gestured for her to come inside.

"What are you doing here?" He asked softly.

He was dressed in nothing but flannel pajama bottoms and she could make out the faint bruises still covering his chest.

He looked so soft and cozy and she wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him and never leave.

"There was a fire." She whispered.

She watched as he reached out with his good arm to rest his hand on her cheek.

He was immediately assessing her for injuries and she felt her heart swell at his protectiveness.

"Where?" She could see the concern in his eyes and it made her heart flutter.

She was almost certain that he had forgotten about her.

"My neighbor's got high and set their kitchen on fire." At least that was what the cops thought had happened. "It came through the wall and into my place."

"Oh my God." He stepped forward as the words left his mouth and he let his hand go to her hair, pushing it aside as he dropped his forehead to hers. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She whispered.

She didn't want to cause a big scene and she didn't want to make this into something it wasn't.

"Rox..." She felt the fingers of his other hand settle on her hip and she swallowed.

They hadn't been this close in three weeks and it was killing her.

"I'm fine Ethan." In reality she was totally freaked out by the whole thing, but she didn't want him to panic even more than he already was. "I just need a place to stay for a few days, until I can get back in."

"Well you know you're obviously welcome here love." He whispered.

She was surprised to hear him say that.

She didn't know he still wanted her around.

"You're sure it's okay?" She asked softly.

"I promise you." He pulled back just enough to let his lips press against her forehead. "I want you here baby."

He hadn't called her that in what felt like forever.

"We haven't exactly been," She swallowed as she closed her eyes, "okay, lately."

"I want you here Rox." He didn't seem phased by her words though and she sighed softly as he pulled back to eye her softly. "You can stay as long as you want."

"Thank you." She whispered.

"You're welcome." He let his hands fall back to his sides as he moved to shut the front door. "You wanna shower?"

"No. I'm okay." She shook her head as he stopped in front of her and she offered him a soft look. "I just wanna go back to bed."

In reality she just wanted to curl up in his arms and sleep the weekend away, but she didn't know if he would send her away at that thought.

"Okay. Come on." He gestured toward the stairs and she let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. "I'll rub your back if you want. I know that helps you sleep sometimes."

She shook her head back and forth.

Not only was she shocked that he was offering to comfort her some but she was shocked that he was even suggesting that she sleep upstairs with him.

Surely he would make her sleep in the guest room, far away from him.

"It's fine Ethan." She didn't want to cause issues.

She just needed somewhere to lay her head.

Emo was out of town and she didn't want to be alone.

"Rox..." He reached out and brushed back a stray piece of hair, his eyes soft as he said her name once more. "Rox..."

"I just wanna sleep." She said softly. "Please."

"Okay. Come on." He pulled back and motioned toward the stairs with a soft smile.

She waited a second before making her way toward his bedroom.

She could feel her hands shaking and her heart racing as her body reacted to the prospect of being alone with him once again.

\--

When Rox awoke a few hours later her whole body felt like it was in shock.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, her hands were shaking, her eyes felt heavy and raw.

She didn’t understand what was going on, all she knew was that everything felt off.

“Rox, baby.” Ethan’s hand fell to her hip and she jumped, pushing herself away from him in the bed.

They had fallen asleep on opposite sides of the king mattress last night and she had been thankful that he had kept his distance up until now.

“No.” She whispered.

She didn’t know who she was telling ‘no’ to, or why she was saying it, but the word left her mouth before she could stop herself.

"Shhh honey, it's okay.” He reached for her once again and this time she let him pull her close. “I got you."

"Ethan?" She tried to open her eyes but she couldn’t make them work.

And her whole body stayed almost rigid in his arms.

"It's me babe.” He pressed a gentle kiss to her head in an attempt to calm her down but it didn’t work. “You're okay. You're safe."

"I..." She had had these attacks a lot lately, especially since their fight a few weeks ago.

Normally they ended with her crying herself back to sleep while watching infomercials.

"I know love.” He reached out and ran his fingers along her cheek softly. “Shhh, it's okay. Go back to sleep."

"I..." She was finally able to get her hands to work and she reached out for him, grabbing a hold of his arm like he was going to disappear.

She felt her breath start to quicken as her heart started pounding even faster.

She felt like her whole world was caving in, like the air was being sucked out of the room.

"Rox, calm down love.” Ethan pressed his forehead against hers as he spoke quietly. “You're having a panic attack. Deep breaths baby. It's okay."

"Ethan..." She was pleading with him now.

Pleading with him to make it stop, to make the pain go away.

"Shhh.” He nuzzled his face against her cheek as he pulled her as close to him as he could. “You're okay."

"I... I can't.” She felt so broken and alone. These past three weeks had been absolute hell and she couldn’t believe they had done this to each other. “I've... I've been so lost."

"I know baby." He pressed a kiss against her cheek as he let his hand wander under the material of her t-shirt.

He hadn’t had his hands on her skin in what felt like forever.

It was driving her mad having him this close.

"I didn't mean too.” She whispered. “I never wanted this to happen."

She never wanted their fight to end like this.

She never wanted to spend three weeks without him.

"I know love.” He whispered as his fingers danced over the skin of her stomach. “It's okay. We're okay."

"I can't lose you." She was so scared that he was going to walk out on her.

That he was going to leave her and never come back.

"And you're not.” She needed all the reassurance she could get at this point. “I'm right here. I'm never going anywhere."

"I love you.” She sobbed out. “I love you so much."

"I know.” He stopped the movement of his fingers just above the waistband of her pants and she let out a sigh. “I love you too."

She was sure that he was going to go further.

That his hand would wander below her underwear, to the place she needed him the most.

But he didn’t try anything more.

Instead he pressed a few soft kisses to her shoulder before dozing off, his arm still draped over her waist, his face still nuzzled against her neck.

And soon enough she was fading off too.

—

When she awoke the next time the sun was shining through the open bedroom window.

She could hear the distant sound of birds chirping, the wind blowing gently through the trees surrounding Ethan’s house.

She instantly felt a sense of peace come over her.

She was finally right where she belonged.

“Ethan…” She whispered his name as she reached for him.

“Yeah Rox?” His voice was still sleepy and his eyes were still heavy, but he looked adorable nonetheless.

“Are you okay?” She hadn’t bothered to stop and ask him how he was doing.

He was the one that was attacked a few days ago, not her.

“I’m fine honey.” He said softly. “Go back to sleep.”

He dropped a kiss against her arm as he snuggled close, his eyes remaining closed as he tried to fall back asleep.

“Ethan…” She didn’t want to sleep though.

She wanted to talk.

She wanted to get some stuff out and in the open.

She hated that things seemed to tense.

“Yes Rox?” He mumbled against the smooth skin of her shoulder.

He had nudged the material of her shirt out of the way as he pressed kisses against the bare skin.

“I’m sorry.” She was so incredibly sorry for everything that had happened between them.

She felt horrible for letting it get that far.

“I know baby.” He nipped at her collar bone as he moved to hover above her.

She noticed that his eyes were still closed though.

“Ethan…” She reached down and cupped his face between her palms, pulling his head up to hers.

“Roxane…” He dragged her name out as he opened his eyes slowly.

They were dark and full of love and lust and everything that she loved so much about him.

“I missed you.” She whispered as she let her fingers tangle in his hair.

“I know you did baby.” He whispered back, his fingers pushing the material of her t-shirt up slowly, grazing along her stomach as he lowered his forehead to rest against hers. “I missed you too.”

“Can we please never fight like that again?” She never wanted to go through something so horrible ever again.

“That is perfectly fine with me.” She watched as he pulled back from her slightly and that’s when she noticed that he was trying to remove her shirt.

Lifting herself up she gave him a small smile as he pulled the item over her head and tossed it aside.

“Ethan…” She really needed to shut up and just let him do his thing, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Rox,” He had dropped his head back to her neck and was currently kissing every inch of exposed skin, “I swear to God.”

“I love you.” She let out a gentle moan as he lowered his head down her chest.

“I love you too.” He whispered against the inside of her left breast.

“More today than you did yesterday?” His hands had moved to push her sweat pants down and she let out a sigh when his fingers grazed over her center.

“And more tomorrow than I do right now.” He pressed his lips against the inside of her thigh and she shivered. “Now please, stop talking and let me finish what I started here.”

She let out a chuckle as she watched him remove her panties slowly before lowering himself on top of her once more.

“Yes, sir.” She whispered, her hands going to his waist as she shoved his pants down.

He let out a small laugh as his face moved to bury itself against her right breast, his fingers finding their way to her core slowly.

They didn’t talk anymore after that, save for the moaning and screaming of each other’s names. And when Rox awoke the next time Ethan was snuggled against her side with a soft, sleepy smile on his face.

“I’m glad you’re back.” He whispered as he nuzzled his face against her neck. “I missed you.”

“There’s no place I’d rather be.” She whispered back as she let her arms tighten around his bare shoulders.

And she meant it, now, more than ever.  
This was where she belonged and she knew it.


	32. Move In With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox gets asked a question she never expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry it’s been so long since I last updated!

It had been exactly a week since the fire at her apartment and Rox was beyond frustrated.

She had been staying with Ethan, which had been great.

But having to shuffle her stuff back and forth was becoming a nuisance.

And then there was the phone call she had gotten last night.

The call that had shaken her entire world.

“My building’s being condemned.” She whispered.

Ethan’s head snapped up from his cup of coffee and he raised an eyebrow.

“Condemned?” He asked softly.

“They say that it’s unlivable.” She shrugged her shoulders as she moved further into the break room at Angels. “Apparently the Fire Marshall found more than he bargained for during the investigation.”

“Damn.” Was all he replied with.

And then his eyes were back on the paper in front of him, his hand bringing the cup up to his lips as he returned to his previous activity.

It was as if she had never said a word to him.

Letting out a sigh she leaned back against the counter.

She didn’t know where to go or what to do.

She didn’t really have the money for another place, this being one of the cheapest apartments she could find.

And she really, really didn’t want to move in with Emo.

“I don’t know what to do.” She said quietly, her eyes shifting toward the door as it opened.

“Do about what?” Leanne’s voice filled the small space and Rox couldn’t help but let out a sigh.

While she and Leanne were trying to mend their friendship, it hadn’t been easy sailing the past two weeks.

“Rox’s complex is being condemned.” Ethan stated as he eyed her over the top of his paper.

“Interesting.” And with that the other woman was gone.

Rox felt all the fight leave her body.

She knew that what she had said to Leanne had been harsh, but she had never meant for it come down to this.

She missed her friend.

“You two still fighting?” Ethan dropped the paper on to the table as he stood, tossing his empty coffee cup into the trash can beside him.

“I guess so.” She shrugged her shoulders as she spoke.

She thought they were on the way to making things better.

She must have thought wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He stopped beside her and dropped a gentle kiss against her head. “I gotta go. Shift starts in five.”

“I thought your shift ended an hour ago.” She whispered.

She was really hoping that they could just go back to his place and watch TV in bed for the rest of the day.

“I picked up another shift.” He smiled at her softly. “I’ll be home late.”

“Oh.” She let out a sigh as she hung her head. “Okay.”

“I’ll be home all weekend.” He pressed another kiss to her head because pushing the door open and offering her a soft smile. “I promise.”

She didn’t have anything to say back so she simply nodded her head.

And then he was gone and she felt terribly alone once again.

—

Ethan hadn’t made it home until well after 3:00am and Rox had simply mumbled an incoherent greeting at him as he climbed in bed beside her.

When she awoke a few hours later he had been gone.

She had showered and gotten ready for work in complete silence before leaving the house.

She was expecting to find Ethan waiting for her by her rig when she arrived, but instead she was informed that Noa would be her ride along partner for the morning.

She was upset, but she refused to let it show.

So instead she had welcomed Noa with a smile and a shrug when the girl asked where Ethan was.

And then they were off.

Four hours later, a little before noon, they dropped two patients off at Angels and Rox was forced to stand at the nurse’s station and wait for a release form from a doctor.

She let out a huff when a body appeared beside her, her eyes quickly shifting in it’s direction. 

"Move in with me?" Ethan didn’t even greet her before the question slipped from his lips.

"Excuse me.” She choked out.

She couldn’t believe him.

He hadn’t even kissed her ‘goodbye’ that morning and here he was asking her to move in with him.

He was unbelievable.

"Move in with me." He said with a soft smile.

"Why?" She didn’t understand why he was all of a sudden so interested in having her by his side.

"Because you need a place to live.” He whispered, his eyes searching hers. “I have a place."

"Sound logic my dear." She pushed herself away from the desk and headed toward the break room.

This was certainly not a conversation they should be having out in public.

"Please..." He pleaded with her as he followed her to the small room.

"Please?" He sounded like a child begging for a piece of candy.

"We're together all the time anyway.” He shrugged his shoulders as the door closed behind them. “You might as well."

"Well gee thanks." She felt like he was saying these things because he felt obligated.

Surely he wasn’t saying them because he meant them.

"I want you to move in." He whispered.

"That's an awfully big step Ethan." She let out a sigh as she fell to the couch.

She had never lived with a guy before.

In fact, she had never lived with anyone else.

She went straight from her parents home to Emo’s and then from there she had been on her own.

She didn’t know how to share space with someone else permanently.

And certainly not a grown man with a part-time teenage daughter.

"We're more than ready for it." She could tell by the look in his eyes that he was being serious and it made her heart race in her chest.

"Ethan..." She whispered his name as she closed her eyes.

She couldn’t fathom this.

"Look, we're together all the time as it is. You spend more time at my place than you did at yours, and certainly more time than you spend at Emo's.” He wasn’t lying there. Especially before their big fight a month ago. “Besides, I much prefer waking up next to you every morning. And think of all the sex we could have."

"We have lots of sex as it is Ethan." She rolled her eyes at him.

He was such a man-child when he wanted to be.

"We could have even more." He waggled his eyebrows at her as he settled himself on the table in front of her.

"You're seriously trying to bribe me with sex?" She wouldn’t put it past him to do just that.

"Not bribe, no." He shrugged his shoulders though, his eyes soft as they stared back into hers.

"You're serious aren't you?" She couldn’t believe it.

"Very." And yet, here he was, being more than amazing and perfect.

This was everything she had ever wanted.

She didn’t know why she was having such a hard time saying ‘yes’.

"We've only been together a few months." She honestly hadn’t been keeping track and she felt bad.

Weren’t girls supposed to be obsessed with anniversary’s and what not?

"It'll be six months next weekend." He said softly.

"Six months?” There was no way. “Seriously? Already?"

"Yes dear, six months already?!" He smiled back at her and she let out a soft sigh.

"It doesn't seem like that long." It had been a wild ride, that was for sure.

"Time flies when you're having fun." He replied with a wink.

She couldn’t help but let out a laugh as she shook her head.

"You really want me to move in with you?" She whispered her question after a minute of sitting in silence.

"I'd love it if you'd move in with me." He whispered back.

"Where will we put my stuff?” She couldn’t believe that her biggest concern was her stuff. It wasn’t like she had a lot of it to begin with. “My furniture?"

"The guest room or the office. Or the garage if you wanna keep stuff.” The fact that he had seemed to actually put some thought into this was making her skin crawl in all the right ways. “We can always get a storage unit if you need too."

"Ethan..." Yet she was still looking for a reason to say ‘no’.

"What? Let's do it. Let's move in together.” He seemed so excited about the concept and she took a deep breath. “What's the worst that could happen?"

"I just... are you sure?" She could do this.

She had to do this.

"Yes Rox. I'm sure." He reached out and took her hands in his, squeezing gently as he leaned forward to rest his forehead against hers.

“What about Ariel?” She asked softly.

“What about her?” He pulled back and raised an eyebrow at her slowly.

“She lives there too.” She knew that she shouldn’t care what the teen thought, but she did.

She didn’t want to step into their already rocky lives and make things worse.

“Yeah. She has her own room Rox.” He smiled at her as he spoke. “You won’t be moving in there so it won’t affect her any.”

“I can’t just move in without her knowing about it Ethan.” She had been on good terms with the teen since Ethan’s accident and she wanted it to stay that way. “I don’t wanna invade her space.”

“Rox…” He was pleading with her again.

But she had to make sure that he understood the severity of the situation.

“No Ethan. I’m not gonna do that to her.” And she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t rock the girl’s world anymore than it had already been rocked by her presence. “She views your house as her safe place. I’m not gonna just waltz on in and take over.”

“You wouldn’t be taking over anything Rox.” He squeezed her hands once again before standing, pulling her up with him. “Ariel likes you, she won’t mind.”

“I want to hear that from her.” She whispered.

The girl may not have hated her, but she doubted that she was her biggest fan just yet either.

“Fine. Let’s go ask her.” He tugged her toward the door then, a giant smile on his face as they made their way out of the room.

“What? Now?” She couldn’t believe he was doing this now. “We’re at work Ethan, so is she. “

“She’s folding linens Rox, not performing brain surgery.” He said with a chuckle. “Come on.”

And with that he dragged her down the hallway by her hand, a giant smile on his face as they went out in search of the teen.

—

It took them a good twenty minutes to find the girl, her small frame tucked up on the couch in Leanne’s office, a book in her hands and her earbuds in.

Rox felt bad for interrupting her downtime, but Ethan didn’t seem to mind just busting into the small room.

“Hey kid.” His face lit up at the sight of the girl and Rox felt something inside her stir.

She would never get over how happy it made her feel to see Ethan beam with such love toward his daughter.

A tiny part of her wondered if he would ever beam with such love toward their daughter.

If they were ever able to have one that was.

“Hi dad. Hi Rox.” The girl pulled her earbuds out and set her book down, her eyes shifting between them slowly.

“Hi.” Rox offered her a soft wave as Ethan settled on the chair beside the couch.

“You look nervous.” She turned her head back and forth as she eyed them both suspiciously. “Am I in trouble?”

“No honey.” Ethan reached out and patted her arm as he offered her a soft smile. “Rox and I have a question for you.”

“Okay…” The teen sounded skeptical and Rox couldn’t blame her.

This was certainly an odd situation they had gotten themselves into.

“How would you feel about Rox moving in?” Ethan didn’t beat around the bush with that one, instead he just came right on out with it.

Rox felt her face grow hot as the girl shifted her gaze toward her and raised an eyebrow.

“Moving in?” She turned back toward her father with her question. “Like, into your house?”

“Yes. Into the house. With us.” Ethan locked eyes with the girl as he spoke softly. “Would that be a problem?”

“No.” Ariel didn’t skip a beat as she gave her father an answer.

And while it was the answer that Rox was hoping for, it scared her almost that she didn’t show any hesitation.

“Ariel, are you sure? I don’t wanna step on any toes.” She knew that the bond that the girl had with her father was sacred and the last thing she wanted to do was to come between them. “I know how much you value your space at your dad’s. I don’t wanna take that from you.”

“Are you gonna move into my room?” The teen asked as she turned her attention toward her.

“Well, no.” She shook her head back and forth.

She had no intentions of taking over the teen’s room, and she doubted Ethan had any plans on doing anything to it either.

“Then it’s fine by me.” She shrugged her shoulders as she sank back against the couch cushions. “You’re there all the time anyway. It just makes sense.”

“See. I told you she wouldn’t mind.” Ethan turned toward her with a smile, his hand patting the girl’s leg as he stood.

“Are you sure Ariel?” She really, really had to be sure that this was okay.

“More than sure.” She smiled back at her though and Rox felt a sense of peace come over her.

She didn’t know why she needed the teen’s acceptance so badly, but she did.

“Okay. Problem solved.” Ethan reached out and grabbed her upper arms softly. “You’re moving in.”

“Just like that?” She couldn’t believe they had just settled that so quickly.

“Just like that.” He beamed back at her and she felt her heart swell.

If he was so excited about it then who was she to take it from him.

"Okay." She whispered.

"Okay?" He whispered back.

"Okay. Let's do it." He was so happy that it made her own heart flutter in response.

She didn’t know that something like moving in together could make him so over the moon.

“So when is all this gonna happen?” Ariel’s voice broke through the silence and Ethan let out a sigh.

“Well, as soon as possible I guess.” He eyed her curiously. “Why?”

“Just curious as to when I should invest in a better set of headphones.” She said with a smile.

Rox couldn’t help but roll her eyes as she let out a chuckle.

The teen had berated them more than once about not exactly being quiet in the bedroom.

Rox had been completely mortified the first time it had happened, but Ethan had simply laughed it off.

He had told the teen that they weren’t monks and that they certainly weren’t participating in any acts of celibacy.

The teen had rolled her eyes and made a disgusted face before she had sulked away.

“What for?” Ethan asked. But then a look of understanding came over his face and he shook his head back and forth. “You know what… don’t answer that question.”

“You asked.” The girl shrugged her shoulders as she sighed.

“Yes, yes I did.” He pointed at her as he pulled away from Rox, his eyes shifting between the two. “And I regret it.”

“Does mom know about this move yet?” Ariel asked softly.

“No.” Ethan whispered his response and Rox felt her heart sink.

Her rift with Leanne had only gotten worse since Ethan’s accident and she didn’t want something like this to further destroy their friendship.

“Are you gonna tell her?” The teen had to have known about the rising tension between the two women in her life though.

“Yes Ariel, we’ll tell your mother.” Rox was glad that Ethan was handling this conversation between she didn’t know if she would be able to maintain her composure like he was.

“You don’t think she’ll be mad do you?” The question left her lips before she realized that she had asked it and she instantly regretted it.

“No!” Ariel jumped up, her eyes softening as she tried to calm her down. “No, I’m just curious.”

“Ariel…” There was a warning tone to Ethan’s voice and Rox wondered what was going through his mind. 

“Okay, okay.” The teen sank back down into the couch and sighed. “She may have asked me the other day if you two were living together.”

“And…?” Ethan pressed on.

“And I may have told her ‘yes’.” She whispered.

“Ariel!” He was frustrated and it was showing.

Rox felt horrible for even bringing Leanne into this conversation.

“What?! I thought she was!” She pleaded with her father. “Rox is there all the time anyway. I just assumed…”

“Was she mad?” Rox asked quietly. “She was mad wasn’t she?”

She couldn’t bare knowing that Leanne had one more thing to hate her for.

“No Rox! No. She was fine with it.” The teen’s voice was soft and she sounded genuine. Rox prayed that it was. “She said it was about time.”

“Ariel, you shouldn’t have told your mom that.” Ethan said softly.

“I’m sorry okay.” Ariel sounded like she meant it and Rox felt herself relaxing a little. “She asked, I answered. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.”

“It’s not a big deal honey.” Rox said softly, her eyes softening as she reached out and patted the teen’s arm.

“Rox…” Ethan dragged her name out as he eyed her cautiously.

She knew that he didn’t like it when she tried to override him when it came to issues with Ariel.

He was her father and what he said went.

But sometimes, what he said, made no sense.

“No, Ethan, it’s fine. It’s fine Ariel. I promise.” She offered the teen a smile as she spoke. “I just don’t want to upset your mother that’s all.”

“She wasn’t upset. I promise.” Ariel smiled back at her and shifted her gaze between her and her father for a moment before continuing. “She’s fine with it. And so am I.”

“You’re really okay with this kid?” Ethan asked softly.

“Yes dad,” She sighed out, “I’m okay with it.”

“Okay then.” He smiled down at his daughter before turning his attention back toward Rox and she felt her heart start to race in her chest. “It’s settled, you’re moving in.”

“I’m moving in.” She whispered with a smile.

He then pulled her into a hug as Ariel let out a small laugh.

She was thankful for the teen’s blessing on the issue.

She just hoped that they wouldn’t be met with resistance from anyone else in their lives.


	33. London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan knew that his job was important. He knew that where the Army sent him, he would always go. But dammit if it wasn’t hard being away from the love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Because I can’t help myself.  
>  ****Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne.**  
>  ***I’m pretty sure that there’s only one person still reading this, so this is for you girl!

Ethan had known the second his phone had rung early one Saturday morning that all hell was about to break lose.

He didn’t know why he knew it, but he did.

And he had answered the phone with bated breath.

And he had regretted it almost immediately.

“Who was that?” Rox’s soft voice broke through the stillness of the bedroom and he let out a sigh.

He wasn’t prepared for this conversation.

Not now. Not ever.

“My CO.” He whispered.

Rox blinked a few times before pushing herself into a sitting position in the bed.

“Is everything okay?” She sounded like she already knew the answer to her question.

“I have to go to London.” He closed his eyes as he ran his fingers through his hair.

He couldn’t believe this was happening.

Things had been going so well.

He and Rox were so happy.

Ariel was doing well in school.

His dad was as involved as ever.

He couldn’t imagine having to leave this all behind.

“For how long?” She blinked her eyes a few times and he could see her fighting off the tears.

“Two months.” He let out a sigh as he moved toward the bed slowly. “I’d be back the last week in June.”

“Oh.” She let her head fall forward as she swallowed and he felt his heart break in his chest.

“I’m sorry Rox.” He dropped to the bed beside her, his hands going out to cup her cheeks against his palms.

He could feel her tears against his skin and he choked back a sob.

He knew that she would struggle with such a long separation.

He knew that she would be lost without him.

“It’s okay.” She whispered.

“No. No it’s not.” He pulled her forward some, his hands lifting her head so that he could look into her eyes.

All that stared back at him was fear and sadness and heart break and he didn’t know what to do with it.

“I’ll be okay.” He didn’t know who she was trying to convince, but it wasn’t working on either one of them.

She didn’t reply with words, instead choosing to simply shake her head back and forth at his words.

“I don’t wanna go.” He leaned his forehead against hers as tears formed in his own eyes.

He couldn’t imagine being away from her for so long.

Two months without her hugs and kisses.

Two months without being able to make love to her.

Two months of falling asleep without her in his arms.

He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to ignore his orders. Consequences be damned.

“I know.” She reached out for him then, her arms wrapping tightly around his neck as she buried her face against his shoulder.

“I love you Roxy.” He whispered against her hair. He hadn’t called her that in a while and he heard her let out a sob at his use of her nickname. “I love you so goddamn much.”

“I love you too.” She sobbed against his shirt.

He couldn’t believe this was actually happening.

Sure, he knew in the back of his mind that this was always a possibility, but he had never actually come to terms with it.

He couldn’t imagine being away from her and Ariel for so long.

It was surely going to kill him.

—

He had only been given a week to get his affairs in order before he left and it had flown by faster than he had expected.

Ariel had been away on a school trip and wasn’t due back until the day before he left and he felt like his whole world was falling apart.

He didn’t know how to tell his little girl that he was going to be gone for two whole months.

He was thankful that it wasn’t to a war zone or any place of danger, but he knew it would break her all the same.

He waited at Leanne’s house for Ariel to be dropped off and he could tell the instant that she got out of the car that she knew something was up.

“Hey kid.” He called softly as she grabbed her bag from the back of her friend’s mom’s car.

“Hi.” She whispered as she walked past him.

He let out a sigh.

Leanne must have told her.

“You know don’t you?” He asked as he stopped behind her on the porch.

“You’re leaving.” Was all she said as she pushed her way inside, her long legs carrying her up the stairs without another word.

He followed her with a huff, his eyes filling with tears as she slammed her bedroom door shut behind her.

“Ariel!” He knocked gently on the door but she didn’t budge.

And when he tried the handle the door was locked.

He let out a sigh.

They had a very strict ‘no locks’ policy.

“Ariel Jane!” He knew using her first and middle name would piss her off, probably just enough to make her open the door for him. “You know better than to lock that door!”

“Go away!” She hollered back.

He let out a sigh as he felt his shoulders sink.

He hated doing this to her but he refused to leave without a proper goodbye.

“Ariel please…” He pressed his forehead against the wood as he pleaded with her. “I leave in the morning and I really, really want to say ‘goodbye’ before I go.”

“Fine.” He heard her throw something to the floor. “Goodbye!”

“Ariel…” He felt a tear roll down his cheek as he begged her to let him in. “I’m not leaving until you open this door.”

She let out a sigh on the other side and he heard her feet against the hardwood as she walked to the door and opened it slowly.

“What?” She huffed out.

“Please talk to me.” He whispered.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She said quietly.

He could see the tears in her eyes and it broke his heart.

“There’s plenty to talk about.” He just wanted her to let him in.

She had been pushing him away the last few weeks and he hated it.

He knew she had a lot on her plate, and Rox moving in last month had created a barrier between them that he hadn’t seen coming.

“You’re leaving. You don’t give a damn about me, or mom, and you’re leaving.” She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared at him sternly. “End of story.”

“Now that’s not true and you know it.” He said softly.

He didn’t realize that she would take this so personally.

They had talked about him being in the military once or twice and he had warned her that there was a very small chance that he could one day get the call to leave again.

“Yes it is.” She whispered. “I bet Rox is going with you.”

“No Ariel, she isn’t.” He had a sneaky feeling that her attitude about his and Rox’s budding relationship had something to do with this. “I’m going alone. Rox is staying here and she’s just as broken up about this as you.”

“Yeah right.” She spat back. “She isn’t losing her father, again.”

“Ariel.” He let out a sigh as he leaned against the door frame. “You’re not losing me. I’m going to London, for two months, that’s it. I’ll be back in June.”

“Whatever.” She rolled her eyes as she moved back into her room. “Have a safe trip.”

“Please honey…” And then she was shutting the door behind her forcefully.

He heard the stereo cut on and he knew that he had officially lost her.

Once the music started playing that was it.

She was gone.

—

Ethan had said a tearful goodbye to his co-workers that night after they had gathered for dinner to send him off.

And he had hugged Emo tightly after dropping her off at her place.

And then he had taken Rox home and they had spent the night making love, their naked bodies tangled together under the bedsheets as he reminded her over and over again how much he loved her and how much he was going to miss her while he was gone.

The following morning Rox and his dad had driven him to the airport and hugged him goodbye.

And he waved sadly back at them as he made his way through the crowd and toward his plane.

He had done his best to keep his tears at bay, but once the plane had left the runway he was a lost cause.

He had texted Rox to let her know that he was safe once he had made it to the flat that he would be staying in for the next eight weeks.

And when he fell into bed that night to sleep all he could think about was her and how badly he wished she was there with him.

—

The first few days had been a complete whirlwind and he had barely had time to think for himself, much less to communicate with his family and friends back home.

And after the first twenty-four hours were spent at a hospital a few blocks from the palace itself, he had been put on a plane and shipped off to a small hospital in Israel.

It wasn’t what he had bargained for, but duty called and he went where it told him too.

Once he had finally gotten settled and had the chance to reach out he had sat down and written out his letters to his family and friends.

He was reminded of being back in the Middle East a decade or so ago, when writing letters was his only form of communication.

Now it just felt strange and other worldly.

But he wasn’t allowed to use his cell-phone while in country and there was no internet connection for the next fifty miles.

So that left him only one option.

Handwritten letters.

He knew that Ariel would probably find the process archaic, but she was his first one nonetheless.

_Ariel Jane,_

_I hope you’re doing okay kiddo. I miss you terribly._

_I’m spending some time in Israel, doing a little outreach and it’s actually a rather beautiful place. I know you’ve always wanted to visit here so I got permission to send a few pictures that I took. I promise we’ll come back together someday and see the nicer parts of the country._

_I hope school’s going okay for you and you’re not studying too hard for those exams coming up. I know you’ll do great though and I hope you get through them unscathed._

_I love you so much and I think about you constantly. I’m sorry that things ended the way they did between us before I left but I promise you that I never meant for things to go that way._

_I can’t wait to see you again. Please take care of your mom for me. And if you wouldn’t mind, stopping in to check on Rox every now and then, I know she’d really appreciate it._

_Love,  
Dad_

He had gently folded up the few pictures that he had taken and gotten printed off into the envelop and he sealed it slowly, his heart racing in his chest as he dropped it onto the desk.

He wished more than anything that he could just pick up the phone and call the girl. He missed her so much it hurt.

—

The following night he had sat down and drafted about nine different letters to Rox before finally settling on one that said what he needed to say without making him sound like a love drunk college kid.

_Roxane,_

_I hope you’re doing okay and that you’re not fairing to poorly without me there. I know this is hard on you and I hate that I’m away from you for so long._

_I’ve done a lot of thinking while I’ve been over here (even though it’s only been a week) and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am so hopelessly in love with you and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t stop thinking about you and I’m terribly distracted from my work because all I want to do is get on a plane and fly back home to you. I need you in my arms now more than ever and it’s killing me that we’re apart._

_You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Ever. And I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I know these past few months have been crazy for us, but I want you to know that I can’t do this without you and I never want to try._

_I know the idea still terrifies you, but I want to get married. I want to make you my wife and grow old with you by my side. I need you to know that my ultimate goal in all of this is to walk down the aisle and say ‘I do’ with you by my side. I know it may still be a few years off, but it’s what I want more than anything._

_I miss you. A lot. I dream about you every night and I think about you and wonder what you’re doing. I walk around in a daze. My roommate thinks I’m crazy but I just told him that I’m in love and that’s my excuse. He just laughed it off but I think he understands._

_I should be back in London in a few weeks and I promise I’ll call as soon as I land._

_I love you more today than I did yesterday.  
And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now._

_Yours always,  
Ethan_

He had tried to rid the paper of the stains left by his tears but he failed miserably.

He hoped that Rox wouldn’t notice.

Or that, if she did, she didn’t mind.

—

He had dropped both letters, along with a postcard to Leanne and one to his dad, into the mail the following morning.

And then he had waited.

Waited for a response which he knew would take weeks to come.

And he hated it.

—

He had returned to London two weeks later and he had still yet to hear from either one of his girls and it was breaking his heart.

But when he had entered his flat and found the stack of mail his neighbor had so graciously brought in for him, his heart had swelled.

There on top of the pile was a letter from Rox.

And right below it, one from Ariel.

He guessed that maybe the Army figured he would be back here sooner, rather than later, and therefore they didn’t need to forward his mail to him in Israel.

Tearing open the letter from Rox he felt his heart seize up in his chest at her beautiful handwriting.

_Ethan,_

_I’m managing the best I can. The house is eerily quiet without you and it makes it hard to sleep at night. I’ve started turning the TV on just to help with the silence. Your dad comes over every few days or so and we have dinner together. It’s nice to have a reminder of you here with me._

_I’m glad to hear that you’re hopelessly in love with me, I guess it’s my charming personality and stunning good looks huh? I know I shouldn’t joke at a time like this, but I can’t help it. I hide behind my humor, you used to think that was cute. I think about you all the time too and I couldn’t tell you how many ride-along partners I’ve gone through because none of them are as good as you. I can’t stand working with others. I wish I could be in your arms more than you can imagine. It hurts being away from you like this._

_Don’t worry, if I have any say in it you won’t have to ever live without me in your life. You’re my best-friend Ethan and I know that I couldn’t do this alone. Nor do I want to try._

_The idea is downright terrifying, so how dare you bring it up! But I am slowly warming up to the idea of being Mrs. Ethan Willis. It still scares me sometimes, that you could be so in love with me that you’d be willing to take such a chance on me. But if it’s what you want than I’m game. Someday, Ethan, I promise, someday._

_I miss you too love. I dream about you a lot too. Mostly naughty ones ;) Emo tries to keep me sane but sometimes she just makes it worse. She keeps asking if we’re gonna get married when you come home. If we’re gonna buy a bigger house and have a baby and all these things that I have absolutely no answers for. I wish you were here to combat her curiosity._

_You’d better call soon because I need to hear your voice. I miss it._

_I love you more today than I did yesterday. And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now._

_Yours forever,  
Roxane_

Ethan had felt like he was going to combust at her words.

He couldn’t believe that she was finally on board with the idea of getting married, someday.

Grabbing his cellphone from his back pocket he dialed her number quicker than he thought possible.

Time zones be damned, he needed to talk to his girl and he needed to talk to her now.

—

The following morning he had finally gotten over his excitement at reading Rox’s words and he had opened the rest of his mail.

He had let out a sigh as he read Ariel’s letter to him and he felt a few tears spring to his eyes at the teen’s words.

_Dad,_

_I’m hanging in there. I’ve been better, but I’m trying._

_I miss you terribly too._

_It sucks going from having you so close for so long to, well, not._

_I’m jealous that you’re getting to see Israel up close and personal, it’s always been a dream of mine to do just that. I hope you’re being safe while you’re there and that you aren’t getting yourself into any trouble. Lord knows mom would flip if you did. I loved the pictures that you sent and I can’t wait to see it myself. I hope we can go back someday, I’d love to be able to share that with you._

_School’s going great. I have two weeks left of classes, but one of those weeks is purely exams, so I’m excited about that. I can’t wait for summer to get here. I found out yesterday that I got into that summer program at UCLA that I applied for at the beginning of the year. I can’t believe it but I’m excited. I’ll actually get to stay on campus, in a real dorm room, and I’ll be taking real college classes. It’s only for a month though, so I’ll be back home at mom’s by the time you come home. But they are having a parent’s reception at the end of June and I hope that you’re home in time to come to it. Even though I haven’t settled on it being my school, I like that it’s close to home ;)_

_I’m sorry that things ended the way they did too. I shouldn’t have shut you out like that. You deserved a proper goodbye and I’m sorry that I took that from you. I love you and I hate it when we fight. It isn’t fair._

_I promise I’m taking care of mom for you. She misses you terribly even though I know she won’t come right out and say it. She’s still hurting from the brunt of everything and I know she thinks that it isn’t her place to reach out to you. I went by and saw Rox on Saturday, we had lunch and talked, mostly about school, but it was still nice. I’m gonna try real hard to let her in dad, I promise. I know how much she means to you and I don’t want to risk losing you because I was too afraid to be a little open minded._

_Love,  
Ariel Jane_

He had never felt more proud of his little girl in that moment.

He knew she had it in her to get herself together, she just needed the love and support that he and Leanne had to offer.

He was thankful that she had gotten together with Rox too.

He knew that she appreciated the effort from the teen even if she wouldn’t say it.

He had sighed to himself as he did the math in his head and when he calculated that it was a little before 7:00pm back home he had taken a chance and dialed the teen’s number from his phone quickly.

He wanted to talk to her just as badly as he had wanted to talk to Rox the day before.

—

He had chatted with the teen for almost an hour before she had excused herself to go finish her homework, the phone somehow magically falling into her mother’s possession.

And all of a sudden Ethan felt like a teenager again, nervous about what to say to a girl on the other end of the phone.

“Ethan…” Leanne’s voice was soft and he felt his heart flutter.

He had missed her too while he had been gone.

Things may have been rocky between them lately, but she was still his best-friend, and being without her was just as hard as being without his girlfriend, and his daughter.

“Hey.” He whispered.

He didn’t know what to say to her.

The last time they had talked it had ended in a fight and she had slammed the door in his face.

“Hey.” She whispered back. “How are you?”

“I’m…” He didn’t know what to say. He was fine, but he felt like those words didn’t do justice to the situation. “I’m okay.”

“That’s good.” She sounded genuinely happy for him so he guessed that was a plus.

“How are you?” He asked softly.

“I’m good.” He was glad to hear that.

“Good.” He felt like an idiot.

This conversation was going nowhere and Ariel had to have known that this would be a bad idea.

“This is awkward.” She whispered on the other end of the line.

“Yeah.” He sighed out. “It is.”

“Let’s talk about something we can both be happy about.” She said quietly.

“Okay.” He replied back as he sank down into the recliner in his living room.

“I assume Ariel told you all about UCLA?” Her question was soft, but he could hear the pride in her voice. 

He knew that she was proud of the girl too.

They had been through so much together and she just wanted what was best for the teen.

“She did.” He said excitedly. “I’m so proud of her.”

And he was. His little girl was nothing but amazing.

“Me too.” She said softly.

He could practically hear her smiling.

“She told me she gets to stay on campus.” He was nervous about that part. Having his daughter living out on her own like that worried him.

“She does.” Leanne’s voice hitched slightly and he wondered if she had the same worries as him. “But we’ve been over the ground rules.”

“No drinking?” The last thing he needed was a call from the local police that they had found his daughter intoxicated, again.

“No drinking.” She replied.

“No drugs?” He knew that Ariel was a good girl, but even good girl’s broke the rules occasionally.

“She’s not stupid Ethan.” He could tell that she was probably rolling her eyes at him.

“Just making sure she knows better.” He said softly. “She’s been doing so well, I don’t want her to screw it up again.”

“I don’t think she well.” She said quietly. “She’s really excited about this Ethan. I mean it. I don’t think we have to worry about her screwing this up.”

“Good.” He let out a sigh of relief at Leanne’s words.

If she thought that this was the real deal then so did he.

“Did she tell you that she gets college credit for this?” She asked excitedly. “And a scholarship?”

“She mentioned the college credit, but not the scholarship.” He was radiating with pride at this point. “What’s up with that?”

“If she finishes the program in good standing, does well in her classes, doesn’t screw up, so on and so forth, she’s eligible for a scholarship to UCLA for her first semester there.” The words leaving Leanne’s mouth made his heart race.

A scholarship would come in handy if she was bound for somewhere like UCLA, which he had a feeling she was.

“Damn.” He whispered. “So I’m guessing that means that UCLA is her top choice now?”

“It’s between that and Stanford.” Leanne whispered.

“Stanford? Wow.” He never imagined her going somewhere like Stanford.

And not because she wasn’t smart or wasn’t capable, but because that just wasn’t her style.

But this school year had started to change her and she had started to turn things around.

He guessed that maybe she was starting to see her future as a little brighter than she had before.

“Yeah.” She chuckled softly before continuing. “Can you imagine? Stanford? Our Ariel?”

“Mind blown.” He whispered.

“There’s a summer intensive there too.” She said calmly. “It’s not until July, after the fourth, but she hasn’t heard anything back from them yet.”

“I’m sure she will.” He couldn’t imagine that they would turn her down.

“I miss you Ethan.” Leanne whispered after a few minutes of silence.

“I miss you too Lea.” He whispered back.

“No.” She let out a soft sigh on the other end. “I… I really miss you.”

“Oh.” He felt a little piece of his heart flutter.

No matter how much he loved Rox, a tiny piece of him would always love Leanne.

She was his first real love.

She was the mother of his child.

She was his best-friend.

There was no one who could compare to her.

No matter how badly he wanted Rox to fill that tiny little void too.

“I know I screwed things up.” He could hear her trying not to cry and it broke his heart. “I never meant for things to go so far.”

“It’s okay Leanne.” He leaned his head back against the cushion as he closed his eyes. “We’re both to blame here. We both fucked up.”

“I…” She took a deep breath and he reopened his eyes, focusing them on the only picture he had in the apartment. “I know that you love Rox. I know that… I know that I can never have you back. I just…”

“Leanne.” He whispered her name as he bit his lip. “Stop.”

“I thought we were gonna make it.” She sobbed out.

“I thought so too.” He felt a shiver run through his body as he blinked back his tears.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both of them breathing unevenly as they did their best to calm themselves.

“I should go.” She whispered.

“Yeah.” He whispered back.

“Please be safe.” She said softly.

“I will.” He was always safe. Especially now that he had so much to live for. “You do the same.”

“I will. I promise.” He heard her let out a sniffle and he wished that he was there to comfort her.

“I’ll call again this weekend.” He had already promised Ariel a call at the same time on Saturday.

“I’ll be here.” He hoped she was.

He hoped that they could get back to talking to each other again.

Just like they used too.

Back before things had gotten all muddled and confused.

“Goodbye Leanne.” He whispered.

“Goodbye Ethan.” She whispered back.

And then she was gone.

He closed his eyes as he brought his phone down to rest in his lap.

He hated distance more than anything.

Both literally and figuratively.

“God I can’t wait to be home.” He mumbled into the darkness of his apartment.

And he had never meant it more than he did in that very instance.


	34. Surprise Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox gets a surprise visitor one afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry it took so long to update! The past week has been HORRIBLE and I haven’t really been in a good place emotionally or mentally. I have marked the story as “on hiatus” because I’m not sure when I’ll be able to post again, but I’m gonna aim to get back up and running by the end of the month. Thanks to those of you who have stuck around, I really appreciate your support. <3

Rox hated London and she hated the Army.

She hated that she had to spend two months without her boyfriend by her side.

But really, she just hated sleeping alone.

And having done so for the past 50 days had made her cranky.

Very, very cranky.

And when she woke that warm May morning the only thing she cared about was crossing another day off the calendar.

Another day closer to Ethan being home.

Another night closer to having him in her bed again.

After showering and getting dressed she made her way downstairs.

Her first stop was the coffee pot, which she turned on with a growl.

She was in the foulest of moods this morning and the eight time zones between her and the love of her life were the only thing to blame.

They had been having regular chats at least once a day, if not more, since he had finally gotten settled at his flat.

But for some reason he had missed her calls the past two days.

She hated not being able to talk to him.

Absolutely hated it.

After she got a pot of coffee going she made her way toward the calendar by the back door, her eyes scanning over the days.

She honestly didn’t know what day it was.

Possibly Friday, but more likely Thursday.

Sometime toward the end of the month.

All she did know was that Ethan had exactly 19 days left in that wretched city across the pond.

And she was counting down the hours, the minutes even, until he was home again.

“You know, staring at that thing won’t make the days go by any quicker.” She heard Martin’s voice call from the doorway to the small kitchen.

She let out a sigh.

How could she not have noticed him there before?

“Are you sure?” She asked quietly.

“Positive.” He replied, moving himself into the small space and plopping down in one of the kitchen chairs. “He’ll be home sooner than you think Rox.”

“Nineteen days.” She whispered as she crossed yesterday off the calendar.

So it was Friday.

That was a relief.

At least she’d have the next two days to relax.

In fact, she had made plans with Ariel for Saturday night.

Something about pedicures and finding the perfect shoes for her stay at UCLA.

She had been shocked when the girl had texted her yesterday and asked.

But she had been more than willing to say ‘yes’.

They were doing their best to bond and she was appreciative that the teen seemed to be letting her in more and more.

She knew that Ethan was behind it somehow, but she didn’t care.

She’d take what she could get.

“You’re off all weekend aren’t you?” He asked as he took a sip of his coffee.

She wondered where he had gotten that from because it smelled heavenly.

And more importantly, she wondered why he hadn’t brought her one too.

“Yeah.” She let out a sigh as she leaned back against the counter. “I gotta work until two today though.”

“That’s not too bad.” He offered her a smile and she shrugged her shoulders.

Working was actually keeping her mind off of Ethan being gone.

Sort of.

“Yeah I guess not.” She heard the coffee pot buzz and she quickly moved to pour herself a cup.

“Got any exciting plans?” Martin was being awfully noisy this morning and she just chuckled to herself.

She guessed that he was probably just as bored as her without his son in the picture.

“Ariel and I are going out tomorrow afternoon.” It still felt strange for those words to leave her mouth.

“Really?” He sounded shocked and she couldn’t blame him.

“Yeah. She wants to get a pedicure.” She offered the man a smile as she took a sip from the mug in her hands. “And she says she needs better walking shoes.”

“Walking shoes? Ariel doesn’t walk.” He said with a laugh.

“For school?” She guessed that was what she meant anyway. “She said she’s gonna be walking around campus a lot so she needs something comfy. She said her flip-flops won’t cut it.”

“Ah.” Martin nodded his head in understanding.

She wondered how much he knew about Ariel’s plans for the summer.

“She’s gonna be at UCLA for a whole month.” She said with pride.

The girl may not have been her daughter, hell, she was barely even her friend, but she was still immensely proud of her for getting into the program.

It was the kind of thing she would have loved to have done at that age.

Instead she was busy drinking and smoking and doing every bad thing in the teenager handbook.

“So I heard.” He smiled at her and Rox figured he understood where she was coming from.

He must have been proud of his only granddaughter too.

“I should probably get going.” She caught sight of the clock above the stove then and realized that she was already running slightly behind. “I’ll see you for dinner tonight?”

Ever since Ethan had left she had been having dinner with Martin and Emo every Friday night.

It was a nice little thing they had going and she appreciated the outpouring of love from the two.

“I’ll be there.” He said softly.

And with that she dropped her coffee cup into the sink and made her way toward the door, grabbing her LAFD jacket as she went.

She prayed that this day would go by quick so that she would be one day closer to having Ethan home with her.

—

She had worked a rather boring shift.

In fact, she had only gotten one call and it had been for a kid with a bee sting.

They had treated him on sight and he was back to climbing the tree in his mother’s front yard before Rox had even pulled out of the drive.

She had spent the rest of the time at Angels, following Noa around and helping out where she could.

She was thankful that Campbell occasionally let her crash there so to speak.

She had just gotten a page to come to the ambulance bay when Noa suddenly vanished into thin air.

Shrugging her shoulders she had mumbled something to Jesse about letting the girl know where she went and then she was off, saying a silent prayer that if this was for a call it wouldn’t last long.

She was due to leave in a hour and she was more than ready to start her weekend.

Pushing her way through the ambulance bay doors she let out a sigh when she saw that the area was empty save for her ambulance.

Shaking her head she got ready to turn back around and head inside when she heard a voice that she knew all too well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” She stopped in her tracks as she took a deep breath, her body turning back around toward her rig.

“Ethan…?” She couldn’t fathom that it was actually him, and without having actually seen his face, she couldn’t be 100% certain that she wasn’t being played.

“Hi love.” And then he was there, standing right in front of her, wearing loose fitting jeans and a gray Army t-shirt.

He was the thing dreams were made of.

"What are you doing here?" She asked softly as he made his way toward her, a giant smile on his face.

"Surprising you." He whispered.

"You're supposed to be in London." She whispered back.

He stopped right in front of her and reached for her, his right arm going to rest on her cheek as his left arm stayed behind his back.

"I may or may not have snuck away." There was a twinkle in his eyes and she prayed that he wasn’t breaking any laws with his little visit.

That was the last thing she needed right now.

"Why?" She didn’t understand why he was here.

He still had nineteen days before he came home. That’s what the calendar said.

"It's our anniversary." He whispered.

"It is?" Their anniversary wasn’t today.

Was it?

"Nine months today." The smile on his face told her all that she needed to know.

"You defied orders and flew across the ocean, just to see me.” She couldn’t believe it. “Just because we've been together for nine months?"

"I didn't defy orders per say... I just have to be back by Monday morning.” He tangled his fingers in her hair as he dropped his forehead to hers. “And yes, I flew across the world just to see you so that we could celebrate having been together nine months."

"Why?" She still didn’t understand.

Celebrating nine months together was something kids did.

Not two grown adults.

"Because I love you." He pressed a soft kiss to her nose then and she reached her hands up, running them along his shoulder blades.

"I... I don't understand." She said softly after he pulled away.

"You don't have to understand.” He said with a chuckle before pulling back, his left arm extended out in front of him as he held up a beautiful bouquet of flowers. “These are for you by the way."

"Oh my God.” She brought her hands to her face as she closed her eyes and then opened them again. “Ethan, they're beautiful."

"You made me promise to deliver them in person the next time,” He chuckled with his words and she remembered the promise he had made to her all those months ago while they stood next to a field of wildflowers, “so here I am."

"Thank you." She didn’t know what else to say.

"You're welcome." She took the bouquet from him with her right hand and wiped at her eyes with her left.

That was when she noticed the crowd of people that had gathered around them in the small space.

Noa was front and center, with Jesse beside her, both of them grinning like idiots.

That must have been where the redhead had disappeared too earlier.

"Can we um... can we go somewhere a little more private?” She whispered her question as he stepped back up to her, his hands settling on her hips as he dropped his forehead back down to hers. “People are starting to stare."

"Let them stare." He said with a small smile.

"I don't like the attention." And she didn’t.

It made her feel weird.

These people may have been Ethan’s family, but they weren’t quite hers.

Not yet anyway.

"Why not? You deserve it." He sounded so incredibly cheesy and she hated him for it.

"Shut up." She snapped back.

She was glad he was home, but she wanted him all to herself.

"Would you two just kiss already goddammit?!" She heard Mario’s frustrated voice call through the crowd of people and Ethan just smiled before tangling his right hand in her hair.

And the next thing she knew his lips were on hers for the first time in 51 days and she felt like her whole world was on fire.

The crowd behind them erupted into applause and she was pretty sure there was even a whistle or two.

And then Campbell was grumpily telling everyone to get back to work.

But she didn’t miss the small smile on his face as he told Ethan to take her home.

"I've missed you." She whispered when he finally pulled back.

"I've missed you more." He looked so good and soft and perfect and she just wanted to fall into his arms right then and there.

"I hate London. And I hate the Army." She really shouldn’t hate those things, she knew she shouldn’t.

But they had taken Ethan from her, and for that, they must pay.

"It's really not that bad.” She had read his letters and seen his pictures and she knew that he was actually somewhat enjoying himself over there. It made her jealous and sad. “The worst part is not having you with me."

"Come home." She just wanted him home with her.

Was that too much to ask?

"Nineteen more days and I will love.” He pressed a soft kiss against her lips as he pulled back, his eyes twinkling in the afternoon sunlight. “I promise."

"Nineteen days is too long." Seventy days had been too much time without him.

She couldn’t take much more.

"Come with me?" He asked softly.

"We've already talked about this Ethan.” He had asked her to come visit him more than once and every time she had had to say ‘no’. “I can't."

"Why not? Take some vacation time. Come back with me.” She really, really wanted to. Seeing London was one of those things she had dreamed of doing as a little girl but had always written off. “You can explore while I'm working and then we can see the sights at night. I've been dying to see the London Eye. And I hear Buckingham Palace is beautiful this time of year."

"Ethan..." His pictures of the beautiful landscapes and architecture had made her heart flutter.

She never dreamed that she would be able to see such a place.

And especially not with him by her side.

"Please Rox. I hate being apart. It's the worst.” It was most certainly the worst. “Just for a week? It'll be fun."

"I... I'll try." She prayed that she could swing it.

She wanted to go back with him more than anything.

"Try really, really hard okay?" She could see the want in his eyes.

The way he almost desperately needed her there with him.

It made something inside her stir.

"Okay." She said with a smile.

"Now,” He pulled away from her completely then, his right hand falling to her left as he eyed her softly, “I vaguely recall someone telling me to take you home…”

She let out a chuckle as she ducked her head, a small blush coming over her cheeks as she smelled the flowers in her hands.

“Is that an invitation?” She asked quietly.

“It’s more like a promise.” He said with a wink.

And the next thing she knew he was tugging on her hand and pulling her in the direction of his rental car, a giant smile on his face the whole way.


	35. That Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything had been going great, until all of a sudden, it wasn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I don’t even know if anyone is still reading this, but here’s an update just in case.  
> **Once again, I clearly fudged the canon timeline, don’t shoot me.  
> ***Mentions of attempted rape.  
> ****This switches between Ethan’s POV and Rox’s.

Ethan had been thrilled when Rox had been able to get time off to come stay with him in London.

And he had been even more thrilled when Leanne had agreed to let Ariel come with her.

They waited until the Saturday after the girl had finished her exams and then they were on a plane and on their way to see him in London.

He had been over the moon getting to spend eleven days with his two favorite girls in such a beautiful city.

After their time was up he had reluctantly put them on a plane and sent them back to LA, promising profusely that he would see them again in just three short days.

And then he had returned to work with a heavy heart.

—

After he returned from London things had been going great.

Ariel had started her summer intensive at UCLA.

Rox was spending more and more time at Angels, working alongside Noa and Mario.

His dad had met a rather lovely lady friend that was coming around more and more.

And he and Leanne had finally started to sort through some of their problems, working to try and save their broken friendship for the sake of their daughter.

Everything had been going great, until Rox’s phone had rung in the middle of the night.

She had answered and talked in a hushed and fluttered voice to whoever was on the other end.

And then she had vanished into the night.

He had stayed awake for a while, waiting for her to return, but she never did.

— — — — — — — — —

Rox had had a blast in London with Ethan and Ariel and she had been thrilled to spend the time getting to bond with the girl and her father.

They had taken in the sights and ate entirely too much food.

And when she and the teen had returned to LA their bond had been stronger than ever.

And that was made all the more apparent when she received a phone call from the girl in the middle of the night.

“Hello?" She asked softly as she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and answered it. 

"Rox?" The voice on the other end was familiar and she felt her heart start to race when she realized who it belonged to.

"Ariel?” She whispered the girl’s name as she pushed herself from the bed and headed into the hallway. “Is that you?"

"I... I need your help." The teen was whispering and she sounded scared.

Rox immediately felt a sense of panic take over her.

"What's wrong honey?” She knew something had to have happened. The girl wouldn’t be calling her at a little after midnight for any other reason. “Where are you?"

"I'm... I..." She was stuttering and Rox let out a gentle sigh.

"Ariel, where are you?" She asked again, her eyes scanning the hallway for any signs of Ethan.

"My room." She whispered.

"Are you at home?" She knew that the girl still had a week left at UCLA before her summer session was over.

"No. On campus." The teen sounded terrified and all Rox could do was pray that she was safe until she could get to her.

"What's wrong sweetie?” But she needed to know what she was getting into. “Talk to me."

"Can you come get me? Please?" The girl was begging and that was all she needed to hear.

She knew then that she needed her and that was all that was important right now.

"Of course. Let me get your dad..." She started toward the bedroom when Ariel cut her off.

"No! No please don't get him, or mom.” She was practically yelling at her now and she felt her heart start to race. “Just... just you. Please."

"Ariel..." She didn’t know if she should go to her alone.

She didn’t want to upset Ethan, or worse, Leanne.

"Please Rox! Please!" She could practically hear the tears in the girl’s voice and it broke her heart.

"Okay. Okay sweetie.” She was desperate to get to her now. “Stay put. I'll be right there."

"Thank you." She whispered.

“Text me your address.” She said softly.

“Done.” And then the line went dead.

Rox let out a sigh and quickly made her way downstairs, pulling a hoodie over her head and sliding her feet into her flip flops.

And then she was out the door and in her car before she could think twice.

—

When she arrived at the address that Ariel had texted her she pulled the car into a space and shut off the engine.

Sliding her phone open, she quickly pressed redial on the teen’s number and waited for her to answer.

“Hello?” Her voice still sounded scared and it was hushed, almost like she was hiding from someone.

“I’m here honey.” She said softly, her eyes scanning the area around her.

“Okay.” And then the line went dead and there was nothing but silence.

Rox kept her eyes to her right, eyeing the entrance to the dorms as she waited for the teen to appear.

A few minutes later, she saw the girl emerge from the shadows, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as she walked slowly.

She could tell that something was wrong so she quickly exited the vehicle and headed toward the girl.

“Ariel, honey what happened?” She stopped just in front of the girl and reached out for her.

“I…” She was crying and it broke Rox’s heart in two. “I was attacked.”

Her whispered voice did Rox in and she quickly wrapped the girl up in her arms.

“It’s okay sweetie.” She whispered, her lips pressing softly against the girl’s head as she held her close. “It’s okay.”

“I…” Ariel clung to her tightly, her body shaking in Rox’s arms as she sobbed against her shoulder.

“Let’s get you to Angels.” She said softly.

The girl got ready to protest when she let out a whimper.

“Noa will take good care of you honey.” And then she was escorting her to the car and opening the door for her.

“You didn’t tell dad did you?” She asked after Rox had gotten back in the vehicle, starting the engine with a soft sigh.

“No.” She had wanted to tell Ethan, because she didn’t know that it was her place to be there for the teen like this. But Ariel had asked her to come alone, so she had. “He was still upstairs when I left.”

“Thank you.” The teen whispered, her head falling against the glass softly.

“You’re welcome.” She reached over and squeezed her hand before pulling the car out of it’s space and heading toward the hospital.

— — — — — — — —

Ethan had finally dozed back off after Rox left, but he hadn’t slept very well.

He knew something was up, he just didn’t know what.

But about two hours after he had heard the front door shut his phone rang, jolting him from his slumber.

“Hello?” He asked quietly.

“Ethan, it’s Rox.” He blinked his eyes a few times before pushing himself up and into a sitting position.

“What’s wrong?” He looked down and noticed that she was calling from Angels.

His heart started racing in his chest.

Something bad had happened and that feeling in the pit of his stomach hadn’t been wrong.

“It’s Ariel.” She whispered.

He felt the wind leave him.

Something had happened to his baby.

She was hurt and he wasn’t there for her and it killed him.

“I’m on my way.” And then he was pushing himself out of the bed and grabbing the closest shirt he could find.

He had barely made it down the stairs before he was sliding flip flops on and grabbing his keys, running toward the Jeep as fast as he could.

—

When he arrived at the hospital he didn’t even park the car properly.

Instead he flew it into a staff parking space and practically ran inside.

Jesse greeted him at the door and escorted him quietly to a room on the second floor.

“We wanted her to have some privacy.” He said softly.

“Thank you.” And then he was pushing past the head nurse and barreling through the open door.

When he got into the room his eyes immediately went to the bed in the middle of the room.

Ariel was laying on her side, her eyes closed tightly.

He could make out a cast on her left arm, and a small laceration on her forehead.

Rox was sitting beside her, the girl’s right hand held tightly in hers, her eyes focused on the girl’s body intently.

“Rox…” He stepped into the room slowly, his hand trembling as he shut the door behind him.

“She’s asleep.” She whispered, her eyes never leaving the teen’s body.

“What happened?” He didn’t know if he really wanted to know the answer to that.

All he wanted was to know if she was okay.

“I think she should be the one to tell you that.” Her voice was shaky and he could see the hesitation in her eyes as she turned toward him. “It’s not my place.”

“Why did she call you?” He wasn’t angry.

In fact, he was thankful that his daughter trusted his girlfriend enough to call her when she felt like she was in danger.

“She just…” Rox didn’t get to finish before Ariel’s eyes were opening, her attention immediately going to him as she started to cry.

“Daddy.” She pushed herself up in the bed, her arms reaching out for him instantly.

And he didn’t miss a beat, stepping up to her side as quickly as he could.

When he pulled her into his arms he could feel her trembling, her tears warm against the material of his t-shirt.

“It’s okay baby.” He whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair as he ran a hand up and down her back. “I’m here Angel.”

“I’m so sorry daddy.” She whispered as she clung to him.

He didn’t know what had happened, but in that instance he didn’t care.

He hated seeing his little girl falling apart like this and he would be damned if he was going to let her think that this was her fault.

“Baby, it’s okay.” He gently pulled himself back and eyed her through his own set of tears. “What happened?”

“I…” She started to choke up and he felt Rox’s hand against his back, pressing in a slightly warning way. “I went to a party…”

He didn’t need to hear the rest to know where this was going.

He could see the bruise on her right wrist quite clearly and if he had to hazard a guess there was probably another one just like it on her left.

“I… I had a few drinks.” He let out a soft sigh and he heard her let out a sob.

He knew that she knew that she had let him down.

But having a few drinks at a party was no excuse for someone to hurt her.

She started to panic then, her breathing becoming ragged and quick, and he instantly regretted his obvious show of disapproval.

“It’s okay sweetie.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead, hoping to calm her down so that she would continue. “Take a deep breath.”

He waited while she got herself together and he watched as her eyes searched for Rox over his shoulder.

She took ahold the girl’s right hand behind his back and he saw her nod her head out of the corner of his eye.

“You need to tell him Ariel.” She said softly.

The girl nodded her head before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes briefly.

When she reopened them he could see the fear in them.

“I went to a party with some of the girls on my floor.” She took another deep breath and he stepped back a little, giving her some space to get herself together. “I… I had a few drinks. We danced. We were having fun.”

“When did the fun stop?” He asked as he searched her face for any kind of clue as to what had happened after that.

“I… I…” She took another shaky breath and Rox squeezed her hand once again. “I met up with a guy that I met in one of my classes. He was nice. We… we danced and talked. We were having a good time. I… I like him. I was just shocked he was talking to me.”

Ethan nodded his head slowly.

He really didn’t want to think about his little girl being with boys.

Not after what happened with Max.

He certainly wasn’t prepared to deal with another heartbreak like that.

“He… he poured me a drink.” He let out another sigh and she hiccuped. “But I watched him do it. And he poured himself one too. We both took sips. I thought it was safe.”

She started to sob again and he reached for her once more.

But this time she didn’t fall into his arms, instead, she pushed him away, her head shaking as she took a few deep breaths.

“We went outside to get some air and the next thing I knew I was waking up…” She closed her eyes as she wrapped her arms around herself and he reached out, brushing her hair behind her ear as he hushed her softly. “He… he was on top of me.”

And that was all he needed to hear to know that he was going to be killing the sick son of a bitch that had did this.

Jail time be damned.

This bastard was a dead man.

“Did he…?” He couldn’t finish his question.

He couldn’t let the words leave his mouth.

This was his baby girl he was talking about.

“I don’t know.” She shook her head back and forth softly before opening her eyes. “My shirt was off. But my skirt wasn’t, neither was my underwear.”

“So probably not?” He asked softly, his eyes locking with hers.

“I don’t think so.” She whispered.

He could see the shame in her eyes, the fear and the embarrassment, and it killed him.

“How did you get away from him?” He needed to know that she put up a fight.

If there was anything that Ariel was, it was a fighter.

“I kneed him in the balls.” She said softly. “That’s when he broke my wrist. But I just kicked him even harder. He let go and I pushed him off of me. He fell backward and I grabbed my shirt and ran.”

He had never been more proud of his daughter than he was in that very moment.

Knowing that she had put up such an incredible fight made his heart swell.

“Good job baby.” And then he pulled her into his arms, despite her attempt to protest, and he held her tight.

“I’m sorry dad.” She whispered against his shoulder. “I know we had a deal…”

“It’s fine.” He whispered against her hair.

And it was fine.

She was a teenager.

A smart, funny, beautiful teenager at that.

If she didn’t break a few rules he would be concerned.

“Mom’s gonna flip out.” He could hear the worry in her voice and it broke his heart.

He knew that ultimately Leanne’s only concern would be her well-being.

But she would definitely be pissed to hear that she had been drinking.

“You let me handle your mother.” He said as he pulled back. “Have you called her yet?”

She shook her head back and forth and he turned to Rox.

“She wanted you.” Rox shrugged her shoulders and he let out a sigh.

This wasn’t going to go over so well.

He got ready to respond when the door to Ariel’s room flew open and Leanne came storming through, Ed Harbert and Jesse hot on her heels.

“What the hell is going on here?” Leanne asked sharply, her eyes scanning the room. “What happened?”

“I’m okay mom.” Ariel whispered from beside him and he stepped aside, allowing the girl to see her mother for the first time.

“Like hell you are Ariel!” It was Ed who spoke up this time and Ethan was shocked.

Ever since he and Leanne had started dating, or whatever it was that they were doing, he hadn’t been a man of very many words.

“Please leave.” The teen whispered. “Please. Everyone just go.”

Ethan could see that she was instantly terrified of all the attention and he turned back toward her, his hand going out cup her face.

He could see her starting to panic, her breaths beginning to race as she tried her best not to lose control.

“Tell me what happened Ariel.” Leanne stepped forward, appearing to his left, and he let out a sigh.

“Leanne, please…” He shot her a warning look and she scoffed at him.

“Ariel Jane…” Ethan had had enough.

“Everyone out!” He shouted, his back turning to Ariel as he blocked her from view. “Everyone! Now!”

Rox and Jesse ducked out quietly, their eyes showing that they completely understood his desire for some privacy, and some comfort, for his hurting daughter.

“I’m not leaving.” Leanne growled at him. “She’s my daughter.”

“She’s our daughter.” He snapped back, making sure to drag out the ‘our’ in his statement.

“I’m not leaving.” She crossed her arms over her chest and he sighed, turning his attention to Ed.

“Out!” He pointed a finger toward the door and Ed shot a helpless look in Leanne’s direction. “Please…”

Ethan was thankful when the other man simply nodded his head and stepped out, the door shutting softly behind him.

When he turned his attention back toward Leanne she was seething.

And he knew he was in for a lashing of his own.

— — — — — —

Rox had paced the hall outside of Ariel’s room for a good thirty minutes before Ethan emerged, his arm wrapped tightly around the girl’s shoulder.

She could see the exhaustion in the teen’s eyes and her heart ached for the girl.

“She wants to stay with us tonight.” He whispered to her, his eyes shifting backward to a crying Leanne.

“Okay.” Rox nodded her head as she reached out and brushed back some of Ariel’s hair. “I’ll meet you guys at home.”

Ariel nodded her head before they made their way down the hall and when she turned around she and Leanne were the only ones left.

“She said she feels more comfortable with you two after what happened.” She could hear the pain in the other woman’s words.

“I’m sorry Leanne.” She whispered.

She didn’t understand why the girl felt that way.

Surely she didn’t know that Rox had been through this before.

She had never given the girl any indication toward it.

“It’s fine.” She could tell that Leanne most definitely think it was fine. “Just… please take good care of her.”

Rox understood her pain.

She loved that girl more than she loved anything in this world.

She was her second chance at motherhood.

Her second chance at love.

And Rox would never do anything to jeopardize that.

“I will.” She said softly. “I promise.”

Leanne simply nodded her head before turning away from her and heading down the hall, her head hanging low as she wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

Rox felt her heart break in her chest.

Not just for the teen who had just been through the worst experience of her life.

But also for her mother, who had just had to watch her daughter choose her father over her for what was probably not the first time in her life.

—

Rox had made it home in record time and when she entered the house she could hear the upstairs shower running.

She almost started to wonder if it was Ethan showering, but then he appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, looking more ragged than she had ever seen.

“I told her she could sleep upstairs tonight.” He said softly.

She nodded her head in understanding. 

She certainly wouldn’t want to sleep downstairs alone after a night like that.

“I’ll sleep on the couch.” She whispered back.

“No.” He shook his head, stepping forward to pull her into his arms. “I will. You two sleep up there.”

He pressed a kiss to her head and she let out a soft sigh.

He must have known what was going through her head.

“You’re the only one who can help her with this Rox.” He said as he pulled back, his forehead falling to rest against hers. “She needs you.”

“I… I don’t know that I’m the best role model in this instance Ethan.” After she had been raped she had fallen off the deep end.

Drinking, drugs, skipping school.

She had used her rape as a way to justify losing herself.

And she had just started to get herself back.

“You’ve been there.” He whispered. “You can offer her the exact words of wisdom that she needs to hear.”

She took a deep breath and shook her head back and forth.

“All I can do is advise her on what not to do.” She would never let the girl spiral downward like she did. “I… that’s all I have for her.”

“You can comfort her.” He pressed a kiss to her nose as he spoke. “Please Rox…”

She wouldn’t tell him ‘no’, not in a situation like this, but it was still hard to fathom being a pillar of strength and wisdom when it came to a topic like this.

“Okay.” She nodded her head just as she heard Ariel’s voice call for her from upstairs and she let out a soft sigh as she pulled back.

“Thank you.” He kissed her softly before pulling back, gesturing for her to head in the girl’s direction.

She took a deep breath before going upstairs, her hand shaking against the railing.

She knew that the teen needed her to be strong.

And dammit if that was what that poor girl needed right now than that was what she was going to give her.


	36. What’s Wrong?

After Ariel’s attack things had been heading in a downward spiral.

The teen had become quiet and distant, withdrawing from the few friends she had and ever so slowly shutting out her entire family.

She fought with Leanne constantly and Rox hated watching the two of them go back and forth.

And while she didn’t fight nearly as much with her and Ethan, she definitely wasn’t the normal chatty and lovable girl they had been dealing with.

Instead she was broken and angry and Rox had tried her hardest to get through to her.

But nothing had seemed to work.

Not talking to her. Not spending late nights with the girl tucked against her side. Not dinner dates or pedicures or donut runs.

Nothing was working and it was slowly starting to drive a wedge between her relationship with the teen.

And her relationship with her father.

Ethan had been a wreck since the whole thing took place and it was slowly tearing them apart.

He had shut her out and every day was worse than the last.

"Ethan..." She called his name softly as she made her way downstairs and into the kitchen.

He had worked a 72 hour shift and hadn’t said a word to her since he had left Monday morning.

It was breaking her heart watching her family fall apart at the seams.

"What?" He growled out.

"What's wrong?" She just wanted him to let her back in.

They had been doing good before everything with Ariel had happened.

They had actually started to let each other in.

Now it seemed like all they did was fight and it was draining.

"Nothings wrong." He snapped.

She could see the way his shoulders tensed up and he gripped his hand against the kitchen counter.

"Obviously something's wrong, you've been in a shitty mood for two weeks straight.” She knew that he was under a lot of pressure. That work and Ariel and her weren’t easy things to deal with. “Did I do something?"

"No." He didn’t bother to turn around and face her as he spoke and it made her even more angry.

She hated it when he did that.

"Ethan..." She didn’t understand why he was taking his frustration out on her though.

He always tried really hard not to do that.

"Why can't you just leave it alone Rox? Jesus Christ.” He whipped around and glared at her, his eyes dark and angry and his face was turning red. “Sometimes people have bad days, let it go."

"I'm just trying to help." She whispered as tears filled her eyes.

She had been doing nothing but try to be supportive these past few weeks and it was back firing on her.

"Well stop." He whispered back.

She could see the pain in his eyes.

Something was going on with him and it was more than just being concerned about his daughter.

"What's wrong with you? What's gotten into you?” She cried out. “You've been a jerk for the past two weeks and you seem to be taking it out on me and I don't know why."

"Maybe because you won't leave me the fuck alone!" He shouted, his hand swinging out in front of him as he stepped forward.

She felt a sense of panic take over in that moment.

One of absolute fear and terror.

She didn’t think he would ever hit her, but in that moment, she wasn’t so sure.

"You wanna be left alone?” She felt the tears roll down her cheeks and she took a deep breath as she shouted back at him. “Fine! Be alone! I’m done dealing with your bullshit!”

And with that she stormed upstairs, grabbed her duffle bag, and threw in some clothes.

And before she could even wrap her head around what was happening she was in her car and on her way to Emo’s.

\--

When she arrived at Emo’s the woman was sitting on the front porch, a cup of coffee in one hand and a book in the other.

She exited the vehicle slowly, grabbing her bag from the passenger seat as she went.

She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and offered the woman a soft look.

“Emo…” She knew that she must look like a mess with her tear stained face, still clad in her pajamas from the night before.

"What are you doing here Roxane?" She asked softly.

"I need a place to stay." She whispered.

She hated saying those words out loud.

She had a place to stay, her home.

Her home with Ethan.

"I thought you were living with Ethan." She let out a sigh.

So did she.

"Yeah, well, now I'm not." She shrugged her shoulders as she tried to wrap her head around what was happening.

"Did you two break up or something?" Emo set her book down as she gestured for Rox to come closer.

"He wants to be a jerk and mope around and treat me like dirt for no reason.” She knew that he was worried about Ariel and that he had a lot on his mind, but this was a little ridiculous. They were supposed to be able to talk to each other about these things. “Then he said it's because I wouldn't leave him alone. So guess what, I'm leaving him the hell alone from now on."

"Roxane..." Emo dragged out her name, just like she used to do to her when she was a kid, and she knew that she wasn’t having any of it.

"No. Don't Roxane me.” She hated it when Emo did that. “He's being an ass and I'm done with it."

"Obviously something's wrong.” But she would never know what it was if he didn’t let her in. “This doesn't sound like Ethan."

"Maybe this is who he really is.” She said softly, her eyes filling with another round of tears. “I knew his true colors would show eventually."

"Roxane, stop." Emo meant business and it was killing her knowing how fucked up the whole thing was.

"What Emo? What do you want from me?” She practically shouted her questions at the woman and she instantly felt bad. “I'm not gonna let him treat me like this."

"Did you try talking to him?" Of course she had tried talking to him!

"Yes." But he wouldn’t let her in.

She knew that they had struggled with letting each other in before, but now, now they shouldn’t have any problems.

"And...?" She rolled her eyes at Emo’s question.

"He blew me off.” He wouldn’t give her any indication as to why he was acting like this. “He's being an asshole and I don't understand why."

"Have you tried talking to his dad?” She had thought of that. “Maybe Martin knows what's going on."

"I haven't seen his dad in a few days.” But the older man had been M.I.A. the past few days. “Something's going on with them both."

"What about his friends at work?" She let out a sigh.

Leanne could barely stand the sight of her.

She doubted that she would open up to her about what was plaguing Ethan.

If she knew herself.

It’s not like they were on the best of terms right now either.

"What about them?" She whispered.

"Do you think they would know?" She doubted it.

He didn’t talk to any of them really.

Other than Noa and Leanne he didn’t seem to have a bond with any of them.

"What? You think he'd confide in them over his girlfriend?" She was pretty certain that he wouldn’t, but she guessed there was a first time for everything.

"Maybe. I wouldn't take it personally." She did take it personally though because she had started trusting him and letting him in.

She didn’t understand why all of a sudden he wanted out.

"Too late." She snapped, her hands going to her hips as she blinked her eyes.

“Don’t say that.” Emo said softly. “You love Ethan and he loves you. You know that.”

“Do I?” She didn’t know why, but now more than ever she questioned what their feelings were for each other.

Ethan certainly wasn’t acting like he wanted any part of her.

“Yes Roxane, you do.” Emo sounded defeated and Rox felt her heart flutter in her chest.

This is why she didn’t want other people getting involved in her relationship.

She didn’t want others to get let down by her inability to keep herself together.

“I…” She took a deep breath before stepping back a few steps, letting her back hit the post behind her. “I hate this.”

She whispered out the three words just as Emo stepped forward and pulled her into her arms.

“I know honey.” She whispered back, wrapping her up tight. “I know.”

She choked out a sob as she wrapped her arms around the woman, her eyes closing as she reveled in the feeling of being tucked up safe.

She just wanted things to go back to normal.

She wanted Ethan back and she didn’t want to wait.

She didn’t know what was going on with him, but she needed to get answers sooner rather than later.


	37. Visiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan has plans to wallow, Leanne and Ariel think otherwise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I’m a bit rusty with this story as my muse has taken a few weeks off, so here’s hoping this doesn’t totally suck and I can get back on track soon!  
> **Mentions to Leanne/Ed and past Ethan/Leanne

Ethan hated fighting with Rox.

He hated the not speaking and the not sharing a bed and the not working together.

He couldn’t stand knowing that he was the reason there was a rift between them.

It’s not like he meant to shut her out and ignore her completely.

It’s not like he meant to hurt her the way that he had.

But his head had been in a tragic place lately and he was struggling with keeping himself together.

Everything that had happened between him and Leanne was tearing him apart.

And everything that had happened with Ariel had broken him.

He couldn’t think straight and his heart hurt and he just wanted some peace from all the chaos in his head.

He knew it wasn’t fair to take it out Rox, she hadn’t done anything wrong.

In fact, she had been beyond supportive and loving the past few weeks, and yet, he had pushed her away.

He had expected her to come back home after a few hours, their fight having been early enough in the morning that he suspected she just needed some time to cool off.

But instead she hadn’t returned by lunch time.

And then she didn’t come home for dinner or for bed.

And when he woke up the next morning he was sleeping alone.

He had tried calling her and texting her, but she didn’t respond.

So instead he had drowned his sorrows in a case of beer and spent the day watching old movies on the couch alone.

He hadn’t bothered showering or getting dressed, the point seeming to escape him when he realized just how fucked up everything had become.

And this dad had come over and they had gotten in a screaming match and everything had fallen apart from there.

When he woke up the following morning he noticed the date on the calendar and he let out a sob.

It had officially been four years since Robbie had taken his own life.

Four years since Ethan had found his body hanging from the ceiling in his living room.

Four years since he had rushed to try and save his life, giving his brother his own breaths in an attempt to bring him back to him.

He had been unable to save him though.

And even Leanne and Rollie’s attempts to save the young man’s life had been unsuccessful.

He had been too long without oxygen to his brain.

He would never wake up.

He would never breath on his own again.

Instead, he would spend the rest of his life with a machine breathing for him, his body suffering unimaginable pain from the trauma he had put it through.

Leanne had held his hand as tight as humanly possible when he whispered for Rollie to let him go.

He knew it’s what Robbie wanted.

He wouldn’t have hung himself otherwise.

He wanted to die and Ethan knew that he had no right to take that from him now.

And so he had softly said his goodbyes and told his brother how much he loved him and that he would see him again someday.

And then the only sound in the room had been the flatlining of the machine.

And then silence.

He had stayed by Robbie’s side for a few minutes before pushing himself past Leanne and out the room and away from all the chaos.

And he hadn’t looked back since.

—

The only time Ethan dealt with it was on this day.

Every year he would cry like a baby and mourn his brother the proper way.

But only on today.

And never while alone.

So instead of staying in bed like he wanted he had pushed himself up and dragged himself into the shower.

And then he had gotten dressed and made his way out the door without a second thought.

He had driven to Leanne’s on auto-pilot, pulling his Jeep in next to Ed’s truck.

He let out a sigh, praying that the man was on his way out the door so that he could be alone with Leanne for a bit.

She was the only one who could get him through this.

The only one who understood his pain and his loss.

He had just shut off the engine when the other man made his way out the front door, shutting and locking it slowly behind him.

Part of him was envious that Ed was now living the life he had worked so hard to build with Leanne.

A life she had never seemed to want with him.

The other part of him was thankful for the man though, his presence bringing a sense of calm to Leanne and Ariel’s life that he knew they needed.

He watched as Ed made his way down the steps, his eyes locking with the other man’s as he stopped at the end of the sidewalk and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Ethan.” He nodded his head in his direction and Ethan pulled the keys from ignition and sighed.

“Ed.” He didn’t like that there was so much tension between them.

They had been friends once upon a time,

“Everything okay?” Ed didn’t seemed concerned about his presence though and he was thankful for that.

“It’s the eleventh.” He whispered.

“Right.” Ed nodded his head simply before walking toward the Jeep.

He reached out and patted Ethan’s arm softly and offered him a smile.

“Is it okay if I go in?” He didn’t want to intrude in their private lives, it wasn’t his place to just walk in anymore.

“She’s been expecting you.” He replied back, offering him a look. “She was up at 5:00am thinking you’d come barreling through the door.”

Ethan let out a chuckle, he had most certainly done that in the past and he wasn’t surprised that Leanne expected it from him now.

“I was a little too hungover for a 5:00am wake-up call.” He had had way too much to drink yesterday and last night and he wasn’t afraid to admit it.

“It’s not good to drink that much alone.” Ed said with a laugh. “Be safe today Ethan.”

He nodded his head at the other man’s words.

“I will.” He knew that everyone knew that he had a history of losing it on this day.

He had done better last year than the year before because he had Ariel to keep him busy.

But she was too big for him now, too grown, and she didn’t need to hang around her dad anymore just for fun.

“I’ll bring home Chinese.” Ethan chuckled, he loved how Ed made it sound like they were some happy little family. “Ariel will be happy to see you.”

He had pointed at Ethan as he said that, stepping away from the Jeep and heading to his truck.

And then he was turning the vehicle on and backing out of the driveway.

Ethan let out a soft sigh as he exited the vehicle and headed up the walkway toward the house.

He paused at the bottom of the stairs and contemplated whether he should turn around and go back home.

But then the front door was opening and Leanne was leaning against the doorframe and he couldn’t make himself turn around.

He knew that he needed her today, more than ever, and he would be damned if he was going to deny himself her support right now.

—

They had eaten breakfast together quietly, the only sounds in the small kitchen coming from their forks scraping against their plates.

Leanne had cleared the dishes after they were done and she had offered Ethan another cup of coffee before curling herself up on the couch and waiting.

He knew that she was waiting for him to speak up, to tell her what was going through his mind.

Every year it was the same thing.

And yet, every year it was different.

This year they wouldn’t be falling into bed together after they let out all their sorrows.

He wouldn’t wake up to the feeling of her hands on his bare skin, her lips soft against his neck.

He wouldn’t drag her into the shower and do all the dirty things he could fathom with her.

There wouldn’t be any snuggling or kissing or making love.

Instead, this year, all he could do was stare at her from the other end of the couch.

And it made his heart hurt to know that he had once had something so special with her.

And yet, here they were.

“Where’s Rox today?” Leanne’s question startled him and he shook his head before replying back to her.

“Don’t know.” He whispered, his eyes closing when he saw the shocked look on her face.

“I figured you’d be with her.” She said softly. “You know, considering everything.”

“We had a fight on Tuesday.” He leaned back against the cushions and he felt Leanne kick his hip gently.

“Another one?” She was frustrated with him, just like he was frustrated with himself.

“Yeah.” He let out a sigh as he cracked an eye open in her direction.

“About what?” He was hesitant to tell her the answer, he knew she would lay into him.

“I was having a bad day.” He heard Leanne let out a groan. “I took it out on her.”

“Of course you did.” She whispered.

He rolled his eyes at her response as he poked at her foot with his finger.

“I’ve had a lot going on you know?” He knew that she knew what was going on.

She was going through it all too.

Their daughter being attacked had been the straw that broke the camel’s back so to say.

“No reason to take it out on Rox.” She wriggled her toe against his side and he flinched at the movement. “She loves you.”

“I know she does.” He whispered. He knew that she loved him, but he didn’t know why after everything that he had put her through. “Don’t know why though.”

“I’m not gonna participate in your pity party Ethan James.” She kicked his side once more before withdrawing her feet and pushing herself up off the couch.

“But today’s my day to have one.” If there was ever a day where he was allowed to wallow this was it.

That had always been their arrangement when they were together. 

He didn’t understand why it was different now.

“Come on.” She squeezed his shoulder as she moved around the couch. “Let’s go.”

“Where are we going?” He eyed her softly, his brain reeling at the possibilities.

She wasn’t normally the spontaneous type so this was a complete shock.

“To see Robbie.” She whispered, her eyes twinkling in the early morning light.

He took a deep breath as he stared back at her.

He hadn’t been to see Robbie’s grave since the first year after his death.

And he had gone alone and sat in the rain and cried.

When he had gotten back into town that night Leanne had been waiting for him and they had spent the night tangled together beneath the sheets, their tears mixing together as they made love countless times.

He hadn’t been able to take himself back to that place after that day.

“I…” She had to have known that he hadn’t gone there since then.

She had to know that he was afraid of that place.

“Let’s get Ariel from school and just go.” He was shocked at her words.

She never let Ariel skip school, ever.

“Leanne…” He wondered what had gotten into her, even when they were together they didn’t do things like this.

“Look Ethan, we’ve been through so much the past few months.” She said with a sigh. “I just… let’s just go. The three of us. For old time’s sake.”

He smiled at her when she said that and he felt his heart flutter when she smiled back.

He knew where she was coming from and he couldn’t help but get excited at the prospect of spending the day with the two of them, even if it was at Robbie’s grave.

“Okay.” He pushed himself up and off the couch and made his way toward her, throwing his arm over her shoulder with a chuckle. “Ariel’s gonna be in shock.”

She offered him a chuckle back as they headed for the car and he knew that they were slowly on their way to mending their broken friendship.

—

They had driven to Ariel’s school in a comfortable silence and Leanne had gone inside to retrieve the girl while he waited in the car.

He had texted Rox once more while he waited and he prayed that she would text back soon.

_I’m sorry for everything Roxane. Things have been real crazy lately and I just don’t know what to make of things. I’m exhausted and I’m so overwhelmed and worn out and its starting to effect me in more ways than one. I never should have taken any of this out on you and I’m sorry that I did. I still need a little time to get myself together, to clear my head, but I’m trying. I still love you and I will always love you and I promise we’ll make things right. Stay safe at work and don’t hesitate to call or text if you need me. I love you with all my heart._

He hit send just as the two women emerged from the building and he couldn’t help but chuckle at the smile that broke out over Ariel’s face when she saw him in the car.

He guessed that Leanne hadn’t told her that he was waiting for them outside.

“Dad!” She ran over to him, throwing her arms around his neck as he stepped out of the vehicle. 

“Hi baby.” He whispered against her cheek. “How are you?”

“Better now that I get to spend the day with you and mom.” She beamed back at him as she pulled herself from his arms. “Where are we going anyway?”

Leanne eyed him softly and he let out a soft sigh.

“We’re gonna go visit your Uncle Robbie.” He felt his heart skip a beat at getting to share this moment with his little girl.

“Okay.” She barely even batted an eyelash as she moved to the back seat and climbed inside.

He smiled as he watched Leanne move around to the passenger’s side and he returned to the driver’s side as well.

They were on the road in a matter of minutes, the music playing softly in the background as he headed toward the cemetery just outside of town.

—

When they pulled up outside the cemetery an hour later his heart was heavy and he was doing his best not to cry.

He couldn’t believe it had been three years since he had set foot inside these gates.

Three years since he had gone to see where his brother’s body had been laid to rest.

Sure he thought about his brother constantly, and every now and then he even saw him, but he hadn’t been here to see that flag and stone in a while.

He wondered why Robbie had never brought up his lack of visits when they had ‘talked’ in the past.

Maybe his brother understood how hard it was for him to be here.

Exiting the car slowly he waited until Leanne and Ariel were by his side before he started walking toward the stone arch in front of them.

Robbie’s grave was exactly six plots behind the arch, under an old oak tree that was missing a few limbs.

He had an excellent view of the valley from his spot, only one more row of plots behind his before the fence that closed off the cemetery from the small river behind it.

He had wondered why Robbie had chosen this place at first, but then he had looked really close at the beauty of the space and he had understood his brother’s logic.

It was peaceful and serene and quiet.

Just like Robbie liked.

“Nice to see nothing’s changed.” He heard Leanne whisper from beside him as they stopped in front of the raised tombstone.

“They’ve cut back the tree.” He didn’t know why he felt he needed to point that out.

But the last time he had been here the branches had been hanging so low in some spots that you could climb right up on them from the ground.

“Should we have brought flowers or something?” Ariel’s question made his heart hurt.

He didn’t know proper graveside etiquette.

He had only ever visited his mom’s grave a few times as a teenager, before he joined the Army and moved away, and he had always taken her flowers.

But this was his brother and his brother didn’t like flowers.

“I think Robbie would have laughed at that concept.” He felt his lips curl upward at Leanne’s statement.

She was probably right, Robbie would’ve hated it.

“Not a flower guy?” The teen shifted her eyes toward him with a small smile.

“Not really.” He whispered, blinking back tears. “He didn’t mind putting them on mom’s, but putting them on his would have been a bit much.”

Robbie would tease him for sure if they had brought anything floral to his grave.

“We should’ve brought him a six pack of beer.” Leanne whispered, linking her arm through his, her head falling to his shoulder as she let out a soft sigh.

“He wouldn’t have appreciated us wasting a six pack.” He said with a soft chuckle as he blinked.

He wanted to keep his tears at bay.

He didn’t want to fall apart in front of them.

“You could have drunk them first.” Ariel said softly, offering him a gentle smile.

“Now that he would have appreciated.” He whispered, pulling gently from Leanne’s grasp so that he could kneel down in front of the headstone.

He reached out then, running his fingers over the engraved stone.

_Robert Joseph Willis_   
_B: September 28, 1977_   
_D: July 11, 2015_   
_Beloved brother, son and friend._

He felt his heart skip a beat as he ran his fingers over the words ‘beloved brother’.

His dad had been angry when he had had them put brother first.

But then he had reminded the man how he hadn’t had anything nice to say to the kid in almost two decades and he had backed off.

“We have the same birthday.” Ariel whispered, her eyes filling with tears as Ethan turned to look at her.

“Yeah.” He whispered back, pushing himself to stand before the girl.

“Why have you never said anything?” She looked so hurt and it made his heart ache.

He had never wanted her to think that she was hurting him by sharing such a special day with his baby brother.

“It wasn’t an issue.” He whispered, reaching out to pull her into his arms. “You are you and Robbie was Robbie. The fact that you share a birthday was a coincidence, nothing more.”

She nodded her head against his shoulder as she wrapped him up tight, her tears soaking through his t-shirt as she clung to him.

He shouldn’t have been so surprised that she was hurt by the similarity she had with the man, she had a soft soul like that.

“I wish I could have met him.” She whispered as she pulled away.

“Same here Angel.” He pressed a kiss against her forehead as he turned back around, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they stood and stared down at the concrete marker.

“He would have loved you.” Leanne said softly, linking her arm back through his, her head falling to his shoulder once again. “You two were a lot alike.”

Ariel sniffled as she snuggled against his side, her arms wrapping around his waist tightly.

“How did he die?” She whispered her question and Ethan felt his heart stop in his chest.

He had never even tried to explain to the girl what happened to his baby brother.

It had been too hard to explain to others, to people who didn’t know Robbie, to people who didn’t love him.

He had never thought that Ariel was old enough to know what had happened.

Her maturity level when she had come to him and Leanne was not exactly high.

And over the years he hadn’t felt right about bringing it up to the girl.

She knew who Robbie was and that he was dead, but that had been the extent of their conversations about him.

“He killed himself.” He whispered.

He felt Leanne tense up next to him and he wondered if maybe he should have cleared this conversation with her first.

“Oh.” She said softly, squeezing his waist tightly “I’m so sorry daddy.”

He sniffled at her words as he turned his head to press a kiss against her head.

“Robbie, he…” He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, opening them back up and locking them on the words etched in stone. “He went through a lot in Afghanistan. When he came home he was a little, lost. He couldn’t get out from under it and it consumed him.”

She nodded her head against his shoulder as she sniffled a little and he felt his heart break for her.

“I’m sure you miss him.” She had never been more right about anything in her life.

“I do.” He whispered. “Everyday.”

He saw movement off in the distance and when he focused his eyes on the figure he saw the one and only Robbie leaning against the fence in front of them.

He sighed to himself as his brother’s lip curled upward slightly, his arms crossing over his chest as he shook his head softly.

“He’s here isn’t he?” Leanne whispered her question from beside him and he let out a chuckle.

She must have been able to sense the way he tensed up when he saw the other man.

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes as he hugged Ariel closer, his head falling to rest on top of hers as he took a few deep breaths. “Against the fence.”

Ariel squeezed his waist once more and when he opened his eyes the man was gone.

He suddenly felt a sense of emptiness in his soul that he hadn’t felt in a while.

He had been through so much over the past year and he would have given anything to have had his baby brother by his side.

He missed him so much it hurt.

“We should get going.” He said softly, pulling from them both slowly. “I’m starving.”

“Are you sure?” Leanne eyed him curiously and he nodded his head with a soft smile.

“He knows we were here.” And now that he knew, that Robbie knew, that they had been there, he felt a little more at ease. “That’s all that matters.”

He knew that Robbie wouldn’t expect him to sit all day and stare at a piece of concrete with his name on it.

“Okay.” She squeezed his arm gently before turning toward the car. “Let’s go get some food.”

Ariel nodded her head before stepping up next to them, linking her arms through theirs as they went.

He hadn’t expected today to be spent like this, but he wouldn’t trade having these two by his side through it all.


	38. I Should Be Thanking You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leanne and Rox have a talk about the man who means so much to them both. Ethan and Ed have a talk about the woman who means so much to them both

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I apologize that it’s taken me so long to update this! I’ve had a hard time getting the past few chapters out and I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself with the posting.  
> **Mentions to past Ethan/Leanne and current Ed/Leanne.  
> ***Also, the Leanne/Rox and Ethan/Ed bromances are strong here ;)

Rox had been struggling with things since her fight with Ethan.

And even though it had only been a few days, she was already missing him like crazy.

She had sulked around Emo’s house the entire weekend before the woman had told her to get herself together.

She had argued with her that she needed to go back to Ethan, back to her home, but Rox had been unable to bring herself to do so.

So instead she had decided to work and not stop.

And after pulling two eighteen hour shifts she was exhausted and angry and sad and everything in between.

She had narrowly avoided Ethan, ducking into the bathroom when she saw him in the hallway.

And then she had headed to Leanne’s office, her mind focused on one thing and one thing only.

She needed answers.

And she knew that if there was anyone who would have them, Leanne would be it.

Knocking on the door softly she waited for the sound of the other woman’s voice, her hands shaking as she held her breath.

“Come in.” Leanne’s voice was soft and she let out a sigh as she gently pushed the door open.

“Hey.” She whispered, her head hanging downward as she crossed the threshold into the room.

“Hey Rox.” She was surprised that she didn’t hear the slightest amount of anger in the other woman’s voice.

They hadn’t exactly been on the best of terms lately.

“Can we talk?” She asked quietly, shutting the door behind her as she sighed.

"Is everything okay?” Leanne set her pen down and pushed herself away from the desk. “You feeling alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." Except she wasn’t fine.

In fact, she was far from it.

“What’s up?” Leanne dropped to the couch, her hands reaching up to remove her glasses from her face, placing them on the table beside her.

"I'm worried about Ethan." She hoped that Leanne would understand where she was coming from.

"Yeah.” She let out a sigh as she leaned back against the cushions, patting the space beside her and motioning for Rox to join her. “I wondered how long before this came up."

"So you know what's going on?" She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared back at her.

She didn’t know why she was jealous at the concept, Leanne was his best-friend after all.

"Sit down Rox." She patted the space once more and Rox sighed.

She knew that Leanne was just trying to make her more comfortable, but she felt like a child being scolded by a parent.

"Why? Is Ethan okay?” She moved to sit down, her heart racing in her chest as she tried to calm her nerves. “Did something happen to him?"

"How much do you know about Ethan's brother Rox?" Leanne’s question caused her to do a double take.

She didn’t know what Robbie had to do with anything.

"Not much. He told me he killed himself a few years ago.” She honestly didn’t know anything about the younger Willis brother and she tried not to let her bother her. “That's all I know."

"Tuesday was the anniversary of Robbie’s death." She whispered back, her eyes closing briefly as she took a deep breath.

"Oh." She had no idea that that was the case.

"Ethan found Robbie's body four years ago.” She could make out the tears forming in Leanne’s eyes and she wondered just how much the other woman knew about what had happened. “He's never forgiven himself."

"He blames himself?" She didn’t understand why, surely it wasn’t Ethan’s fault.

"Very much so." Rox got the feeling that Leanne held a certain sense of guilt inside her too.

She had no idea that they had had a relationship, but she guessed it wasn’t crazy to believe.

Her and Ethan had been together four years ago, of that she knew.

"But it wasn't his fault." She hated that Ethan blamed himself for something like that.

He always did take things hard.

"You try telling Ethan that. You know how he can get Rox. He takes things to heart.” She knew that better than anyone. “Losing Robbie, it screwed with his head. He walks around carrying this burden and it's broken him. Every year on the anniversary of his death he just kind of, fades away."

"I don't understand why he won't tell me any of this.” She didn’t understand why he hadn’t talked to her. She would have been there for him. “Why he won't he talk to me? He's normally so open with me."

"He doesn't talk to anyone about it Rox. He shuts himself away for the week.” She couldn’t believe this was going to last even longer. She just wanted him back in. “He doesn't answer his phone, he doesn't leave his house. He just sits and wallows."

"What can I do?" She wanted to help somehow, that’s what she was here for.

"Wait it out." She sighed at Leanne’s response.

She didn’t want to wait it out, her patience level was already low.

"I don't wanna wait it out!" She hadn’t meant to shout at the other woman, but she had, and she instantly regretted it.

"Look Rox, I know it's hard,” She reached out and patted her arm gently as she spoke, “but you've gotta understand, he just needs to be alone for a little bit."

"But I'm his girlfriend, or at least I thought I was.” She felt her heart breaking at the thought of that not being the case anymore. “Isn't it my job to have his back when he's in trouble?"

"It is, but this is different." The softness in Leanne’s voice made her realize that if there was anyone in this world who understood what it was like to struggle with Ethan and his demons, it was her.

She had known him for five years.

She had seen him at his worst.

"Different how?" She didn’t know if she wanted to know the answer to that question.

"No amount of comfort you offer him can bring his brother back. And he knows that. So he's going to lash out at you.” Leanne sounded just as defeated as she felt and she wondered what had possibly transpired between the two in the past few days. “Trust me, I've been on the other end of that anger the past four years and it's hard. He hides away because it's easier for him to protect himself and the people he cares about."

"I don't like this." She whispered.

She didn’t like it one bit and she wouldn’t pretend that she was okay with this.

"I know Rox, but you don't have to like it.” Leanne patted her arm once again and offered her a reassuring smile. “He just needs his space and once he's gotten back in the right frame of mind he'll be fine again."

"We had a bad fight." She felt guilty for not realizing the importance of the days ahead of Ethan.

She knew she should have been there to support him through it all but it was breaking her heart not knowing how to help him.

"And I promise all will be forgiven when he gets out of this rut.” She sounded so sure of herself and Rox let out a breath. “Trust me."

"How can you be so sure?" She wasn’t convinced though.

After everything they had been through, she didn’t know if Ethan would care to try and make things right with her.

"Because for the past four years we've destroyed each other during this week. I couldn't let it go, he wouldn't let me in.” That sounded all too familiar to Rox and she was shocked to hear that Leanne wasn’t even really able to get through to Ethan during this dark time. “We've been down this road as both friends and lovers. It doesn't get any easier but I've learned to respect his space. This year, it's your turn."

"Will he ever confide in me?" She didn’t know if Ethan would ever let her in like he had Leanne.

She knew that what they had had was special, but she sometimes felt like she was always living in the woman’s shadows.

Like everything she did was being compared to her and her greatness.

"Maybe." She shrugged her shoulders as she tried to reassure her that things would get better.

"He confided in you." She hated sounded like a pouty, jealous child, but that’s how she felt.

"I knew Ethan when it all happened Rox. I was there. I watched him fall apart. It's different.” She could respect that, and at the same time, she couldn’t. “We have a history together. Once you two have been together for a while you'll have that too."

"He doesn't trust me." She whispered.

At least that was how it felt, especially lately.

"It's not that. He just doesn't open up about these kinds of things to people. I'm the only one who knows about his brother here. I'm the only one who he talked to about it.” She didn’t doubt that for a second. Ethan was a private man and there wasn’t much that he talked to other people about. “Other than his dad and I, I don't think anyone knows what really happened. How bad things really were. The fact that he even told you part of the story says a lot Rox."

"I hate this.” She could feel the tears in her eyes and she swallowed. She really didn’t want to break down in front of Leanne. Not now, not after everything they had been through. “I try so hard and it's never good enough."

"It is good enough. Trust me. He loves you Rox, more than anything in this world.” She could hear the regret in Leanne’s voice and it made her feel both exhausted and thankful. “And while it pains me at times to see him happy with someone who's not me, I'm glad it's you. You two are meant to be together. You belong together. And I can promise you that there is no one else he would rather be with."

"I love him so much. I just... I don't know how to tell him that sometimes.” She wasn’t good at these types of things. She had warned Ethan about it plenty of times and yet he always seemed so shocked when things like that happened. “He always seems so open and he's so expressive and I just..."

"That's who Ethan is Rox. He was like that with me too. I wasn't one to express my feelings openly, not after what I'd been through. I always felt like I wasn't good enough.” Rox had a hard time believing that Leanne wasn’t good enough for Ethan. “Eventually, it became too much and we couldn't do it anymore. He loved me more than I could ever love him and we both knew that."

"So you broke up?" She had always wondered what had broken their relationship up.

They had certainly loved each other very passionately at one point in time.

And they had certainly loved their daughter more than anything.

To have that kind of bond break apart meant something intense had to have happened along the way.

"He wanted more Rox. A family, a home, marriage. He wanted a life with Ariel and I and I wasn't prepared to give him that.” She was shocked to hear the other woman say that. “He understood but it broke his heart. Breaking up was his idea and I agreed that it was for the best."

She couldn’t believe that Ethan wasn’t willing to fight for Leanne.

She wondered if he would stop fighting for her eventually too.

"I don't want that to happen to us.” She whispered, wiping at her tear filled eyes with her hand. “I don't wanna lose him."

"You won't Rox." Leanne reached out and gripped her hand tightly in hers as she spoke.

"But..." She didn’t know why this woman was comforting her.

She was surely still the enemy at this point.

"You won't. You want those things too. Of that much I'm certain.” Leanne had known her a long time. Long enough to understand what she had been through and why she was the way she was. “It might take you two some time, but you'll get there."

"I don't wanna hurt him." She was so scared of breaking the already fragile man and it killed her to think that he would one day fall apart because of her.

"You won't.” Leanne squeezed her hand once more and smiled. “You haven't been together that long Rox, give it time."

"It's been almost a year.” Their anniversary was in early September. It was already the middle of July. She should have started to see some sort of progress shouldn’t she? “Shouldn't I know by now if I want to spend the rest of my life with him?"

"I had Ethan for 2.5 years. 2.5 wonderful years that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. He's still my best friend, he still loves our daughter just as much, if not more, than the day he left. He still has my back when it matters most. But never once in those 2.5 years did I imagine marrying him.” She had a hard time believing that. Leanne and Ethan had been perfect together. And while she had been an outsider through the entirety of their relationship, she knew Leanne better than most, and she knew that she had never been happier. “I never imagined myself having his children or growing old with him. We had fun and we made some good memories and we helped each other through some tough stuff. But I never saw myself being his wife, or even his woman, for the rest of my life."

"I..." She wanted that life more than anything and she was almost thankful that Leanne hadn’t been able to cope with it all.

"You do though don't you?" There was a twinkle in her eye and Rox let out a breath.

Leanne knew her all too well.

"I think so." She knew deep down that she wanted it.

But saying those words out loud was something she hadn’t quite come to terms with yet.

"You think so?" Leanne must have sensed her anticipation.

And she saw right through it.

"I love him. I've never loved anyone before." And that part was true.

She had never loved anyone.

Except Emo.

But that was it.

Not her parents. Not a guy. Not even her friends.

While she and Leanne may have been through a lot together, she didn’t even know what loving friends was like.

She had always just been alone, fending for herself.

It wasn’t until the past year and a half that Ethan had started to show her that it was possible to be more than just a shell of a person.

"He's a special guy." Leanne whispered.

Rox could tell the other woman was struggling with this conversation and she felt bad.

Leanne deserved the world and everything in it.

After her accident she had been a shell of a person too.

Rox figured that might have been why they bonded so well back then.

But now, now she was alive and happy and living her best life.

She had a daughter who loved her and who she loved.

And she had a man who was absolutely crazy about her.

She was glad that her friend had finally found happiness, even it meant that she had to lose Ethan in order to do it.

"He makes me so happy. I've never had anyone care about me the way he does.” No man had ever showed her positive attention. And no man had ever loved her so deeply without even trying. “He goes out of his way constantly to make me feel better. He makes me smile and laugh and I've never had so much fun with anyone in my whole life."

"He's good at that I remember." Rox remembered Ethan always gushing over Leanne when they were together.

He had been smitten about the woman and she wondered if he felt the same way about her.

"He spoils me. He's always surprising me with little gifts or nights out. He's always whisking me away for a weekend getaway when he can.” He spoiled her, absolutely rotten, and she knew that if they ever broke up that she’d never be able to move on from him. “He lets me sleep in and he brings me breakfast in bed. He holds my hand in public and he's never afraid to tell me he loves me."

"That sounds like Ethan for sure." Leanne smiled at her as she squeezed her hand again.

"I love him Leanne." She could barely get the words out but it felt good to say them out loud.

Admitting them to someone else was the first step in making things better.

"It sounds like it." She offered her a raised eyebrow.

"Do I really wanna marry him someday?" She didn’t know why she asked that question but she needed some help answering it.

She was thinking about it more and more with everyday that passed.

"I don't know, do you?" Leanne chuckled with her question and Rox sighed.

"I think I do." She whispered her response as she hung her head.

She knew that it was nothing to be ashamed of, but at the same time, admitting it was something she never thought she’d do.

"Then I'm sure it'll happen one day." When she lifted her head Leanne was still smiling at her and she was grateful.

She had half expected the woman to get angry with her for admitting such things.

"I don't know why he'd want to spend the rest of his life with me." She hated the pity party, but that was just part of who she was at this point.

"He loves you Rox. Everyone in this hospital can see that.” She knew the others were well aware of their relationship at this point. She had wanted to keep it a secret but Ethan had told her that there was no point. “He needs you just as much as you need him, even if he doesn't come right out and say it."

"You think it could really happen?" She was getting visions of white dresses and flowers and Ethan all dressed up.

It was making her heart race in her chest.

"I know it could." She squeezed her hand between both of hers this time, offering her a reassuring smile.

"Thank you Leanne.” She was so glad to have a friend like her. “For everything."

"No Rox, thank you." She was shocked at the other woman’s thanks.

She hadn’t done anything.

"For what?" She didn’t understand why she would be thankful for her, especially after everything they had been through.

"For making him so happy. For loving him like I couldn't.” She choked out her words, her eyes filling with tears. “You both deserve the world and I'm so glad that you guys are able to give it to each other."

Rox knew that deep down Leanne would always love Ethan in a way that she never could.

And she knew that Ethan would always love Leanne in a way that he would never love her.

But she also knew that their friendship was thicker than most and that she would be crazy to try and break it.

She needed Leanne just as much as Ethan did.

And that much was apparent.

"I'm certainly trying." She whispered.

She wanted a life with him, a happily ever after.

She prayed that with Leanne’s help they could one day make that happen.

"And you're doing a wonderful job at it. Trust me." She smiled back at the other woman before pulling her into a hug, her arms wrapping around Leanne’s neck tightly.

Leanne’s arms wrapped around her as well, hugging her back tightly as she whispered another ‘thank you’ against her head.

Rox still wasn’t sure why the other woman was thanking her, but she was willing to accept it.

After all, she was trying to change for the better.

— — — — — 

Ethan was exhausted as exhausted came.

He just wanted to curl up in his bed and sleep for days.

Instead he had wound up crashing on Leanne’s couch after their trip to cemetery and that is where he had stayed for the past few nights.

It was nice to have Leanne and Ariel so close again.

And he had slowly gotten used to having Ed around every so often as well.

Except for right now.

Right now, he wasn’t used to Ed being around, and it was making things slightly awkward.

“Please for the love of God tell me you have pants on.” Ethan slammed his eyes shut as he caught sight of Ed sitting on the couch in the den, his bare back clearly visible from the hallway.

“What kind of animal do you think I am?” Ed snapped back, his eyes staring back at Ethan as he shoved a potato chip in his mouth.

“You’re naked.” He pointed at the other man as he made his way into the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the fridge before opening it with a sigh. “Please tell me my daughter doesn’t see you like that.”

He could practically see Ed’s eyes rolling in his head.

“For the record,” Ed turned his attention back toward the baseball game on the TV, “I had a shirt on. I just got salsa on it.”

Ethan chuckled at his response.

For a man who was normally so well put together, Ed Harbert was a sloppy eater.

“Riiiight.” He had teased the other man about it mercilessly for years.

“True story.” He held up the shirt in question, a giant stain right there in the middle of the chest. “Leanne’s gonna kill me. She loves this shirt.”

“It’ll come out in the wash.” He moved toward the den, his legs demanding that he sit after his six mile run that morning. “Do it now before she gets home and she’ll never know.”

He had learned long ago to do his laundry before the woman caught sight of his dirty clothes.

He was never actually getting into trouble, but his clothes sometimes told a different story.

“I can do that?” Ed seemed shocked at Ethan’s suggestion and he laughed as he plopped down beside the man on the couch.

“You do know how to use a washing machine right Ed?” The other man rolled his eyes as he threw the dirty shirt at him.

“Yes, you ass.” He grabbed another chip before leaning back against the couch cushions with a sigh. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you would’ve gone home by now.”

“Nope.” He stretched his legs out onto the table and snagged a chip from the bag. “Why, does me being here bother you?”

Ed shifted his gaze toward the man and raised an eyebrow.

“I mean…” He shrugged his shoulders as he gritted his teeth together. “It is a little weird to have my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend sleeping on our couch.”

Ethan raised an eyebrow at his comment.

So it was ‘their couch’ now?

“Since when did this become ‘our’ couch?” He wasn’t angry, not at all.

He liked Ed.

In fact, the man was one of his best-friends.

But he was still having a hard time accepting the fact that he and Leanne were a thing.

A very serious thing from the sounds of it.

“Well… I…” Ed was stumped and he loved it.

He always had a way of getting under his skin, sometimes without even trying.

“I mean, to each his own…” He really didn’t care if Ed was living here, it wasn’t really any of his business after all.

He did however want to know simply for curiosity’s sake.

“I…” The other man’s face was starting to lose it’s color and Ethan let out a sigh.

“I don’t care man.” He threw his hands up in silent defeat. “This isn’t my house anymore. As long as my kid is safe and taken care of, I don’t care what you and Leanne do here.”

He meant every word that he was saying too.

He cared about Leanne and Ed was his friend, if they wanted to live together, let them.

As long as Ariel wasn’t being effected negatively, he didn’t give a damn where their relationship was headed.

“It’s not like, a permanent thing.” Ed almost sounded, disappointed. 

“Well it should be.” He didn’t know why he whispered that out loud, but he did, and he instantly regretted it.

The other’s man head snapped in his direction, his eyes wide with shock.

“Thanks.” He shrugged his shoulders as he spoke softly. “I think.”

Ethan swallowed as he leaned back against the cushions.

“You two are great together.” He meant that too. “She seems really happy with you.”

Ed let out a sigh as he turned his attention back toward the TV.

“She was happy with you too you know?” He knew that Ed had always thought their relationship to be an odd one, though he would never come right out and say it.

At least not while sober.

And certainly not while in Leanne’s presence.

“Not happy enough.” He had loved Leanne with all his heart and now that she wasn’t his anymore he had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he couldn’t give her what she wanted.

“You know why it happened the way it did E.” He said softly.

Ed had been there for the start of their relationship.

He had also been there for the end.

He knew better than almost anyone, aside from maybe Jesse, how badly things had been.

They had hid it well from Ariel, but their friends weren’t fooled.

“I was an idiot.” He whispered.

He had let his heart take over and had stopped using logic and that had been the end of it.

He had pushed and she had pulled and they had destroyed each other from the inside out.

“Well there’s that…” Ed tipped his now empty beer bottle in his direction and he chuckled.

At least they could laugh about it now right?

“I’m glad you stepped in.” He hadn’t been okay with at first.

He felt almost, betrayed.

But then he had realized how broken and sad and lonely Leanne was and it had made things worse.

When Ed had stepped in he had noticed a change, a positive one, almost immediately.

“I vaguely remember you threatening to kill me one night.” Ed said with a smile.

“I was drunk.” He said softly. “And if I recall correctly, I caught you two making out in a corner booth at the Grove.”

He had tried his best to forget about that night, but it was there in the back of his mind.

And that moment stuck like glue.

“Oops.” There was no shame in Ed’s voice though and Ethan couldn’t help but chuckle. “That was never our intention.”

“Making out?” He raised an eyebrow in the man’s direction.

“Getting caught.” He said with a laugh.

Ethan couldn’t help but join them.

Leanne was much less into the PDA with Ed compared to how she had been with him.

At least at the current moment.

“She needed you.” Ethan whispered after a minute. “I’m glad you were there to pick up the pieces.”

“She picked up her own pieces Ethan.” Ed whispered back. “I just kind of made sure they stayed together.”

He liked his analogy, it was a very accurate description of Leanne and the way she had handled their break-up.

“Either way, thank you.” This time it was Ethan who tipped his beer toward Ed, a small smile on his face as he did so.

“You’re welcome.” Ed tipped his bottle inward, clinging it against his, a small smile on his face as well. “It was my pleasure.”

He made a gagging noise as he rolled his eyes.

He knew what Ed was insinuating and he thought it was just slightly distasteful.

But only slightly.

He knew Ed well enough to know that he meant nothing by it.

“You and Rox seem good together.” The man’s comment came out of nowhere and Ethan snapped his head in his direction as he tried to process it.

He and Rox were great together.

And yet, they weren’t.

“Thanks.” He whispered.

He wondered if Ed knew about their failing relationship.

He would surely mock him for it endlessly.

“Leanne told me you guys had a fight.” Ethan would have been mad if Ed were anyone other than, well, Ed. “She said that’s why you’ve been staying here.”

“Yeah, well, sort of.” He hadn’t been staying at their place because of his fight with Rox.

Rather, he was staying there because he didn’t want to be alone.

And Rox had made it pretty clear that she wasn’t coming home anytime soon.

“You two should talk Ethan.” Ed’s voice was quiet and there was a gentleness to it.

He was back in confidant mode and out of friend mode.

“We’ve tried talking.” He couldn’t imagine trying to talk to her anymore than he already had. “We don’t do so well at that part.”

They were great at the other stuff though.

“Well you know just as well as I do that you need to keep trying.” He sounded like he was talking to a small child and Ethan let out a sigh.

“Thanks for the advice Ed.” He growled.

He didn’t know why what the other man had said made him so angry, but it did.

“I’m just saying E.” But he knew that, yet again, Ed didn’t mean anything by it. “You guys love each other, everyone can see that. You need to find a way to make it work.”

Ethan just let out a sigh as he sank even further back against the couch.

“You’re much happier when she’s around.” He knew that part was true.

He felt like a completely different person when he was with Rox.

He was happy and at peace and everything made sense.

Without her he was empty and lost and broken.

He hated it.

“I don’t know if I can fix this one.” He had screwed up pretty bad this time around.

He had let her walk out the door without so much as a fight.

“You can fix it.” Ed reached out and patted his arm as he spoke. “You’re good at that part.”

Ethan swallowed.

He had always prided himself on fixing things with people, even when they didn’t seem fixable.

It’s why his breakup with Leanne had been such a shock to everyone.

“I’m gonna try.” He whispered softly.

“Good.” Ed whispered back.

They sat in silence, both watching the Dodgers game on TV, for a little while longer.

And Ethan was thankful for the silence, almost as much as he was thankful for the friendship.


	39. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox finally knows where she belongs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sorry it’s taken so long to update. I hope you guys enjoy the adorable Rox/Ariel bonding <3

Rox was so tired of fighting with Ethan.

She was tired of not being in his arms and not having him there to talk to.

She was tired of being alone.

And while she loved Emo and appreciated the woman’s support the past few days, she just wanted to go home.

And home was Ethan’s.

It had been for a while now, even before she had moved in.

And she prayed that it would be a long time to come.

Because no matter how much they fought or how distant they became, she had never felt as loved and at peace as she did with him.

Sighing to herself she made her way up the front porch steps, her hands shaking as she reached out to unlock the front door.

There weren’t any signs that Ethan was home, his bike was gone from the driveway and the house was dark, but she figured that maybe that was for the best.

Once she was home and settled he’d probably have a harder time kicking her out.

Making her way inside, she stopped in her tracks when she heard footsteps in the hallway to her right, the sound of a yawn accompanying the movement.

“Dad, is that you?” Ariel’s voice was soft and sleepy and Rox felt bad for probably waking the girl.

“No honey.” She whispered, her eyes locking with the teen’s as she stopped just inside the foyer. “Just me.”

“Oh, hey Rox.” The girl wiped at her eyes with her hand before letting out another yawn.

“Hi sweetie.” Rox adjusted her bag on her shoulder and offered the girl a soft smile. “Did I wake you?”

Ariel shook her head back and forth before heading into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling a bottle of water out before turning back toward her.

“I’ve been studying.” She looked exhausted and Rox figured her summer classes must be kicking her butt.

“Studying?” She was curious if the girl was nearing the end of her summer term.

Ethan had talked about going away for a few days once she was done with school and she had secretly been holding out hope for a getaway.

“I’ve got a big final coming up.” The teen took a sip from the water after speaking and then she headed back down the hall.

“Oh.” Rox figured the girl had abandoned her, but then she was returning to the small room, a stack of papers in her hand. “What for?”

She had been trying really hard to bond with the girl this summer, especially after her attack.

And they had slowly been making some progress.

Unfortunately, school wasn’t one of those things that she could really help her with.

“It’s a psychology course.” She said softly, plopping down at the table. “It’s really interesting, but I keep getting stuck on the same content.”

She looked defeated and Rox felt bad.

Ariel had come a long way when it came to her education and she couldn’t be more proud of the girl.

However, she often took things a little more seriously than she probably needed too.

She was almost seventeen, her senior year in high school quickly approaching, and while Rox knew that her education was important, she was also still just a kid at heart.

“Have you tried taking a break?” She had heard Ethan tell her that several times.

Apparently walking away from the content and coming back to it was supposed to help.

“No.” She whispered. “I was hoping dad would be home soon so that we could watch a movie or something, but he’s working late again.”

She looked so sad and lost and Rox felt responsible.

If she and Ethan hadn’t have fought he’d probably be here with his daughter right now.

In fact, they both would.

“I’m sorry he’s out honey.” She said softly, stepping toward the girl and rubbing her back gently. “It’s my fault he’s gone.”

“You guys fought again didn’t you?” She hated that the girl knew about their fights.

She had always hated it when her parents fought and it had always caused her great stress.

She couldn’t imagine what it was like for Ariel to watch her dad fight with her and her own mother.

“Yeah we did.” Rox dropped her bag to the floor before sitting in the chair next to Ariel’s.

“He’s been a bad place the past few days.” The teen looked at her with a concerned look on her face. “Because of Robbie and everything.”

“Yeah.” She didn’t really know much about what had happened, but she knew enough.

Enough to know that Ethan was a mess and that missing Robbie was really screwing with his head.

“Do you think you guys will make up soon?” There was a sense of hope in Ariel’s voice and the twinkle in her eye made Rox smile.

“I hope so.” She really, really hoped so.

She missed Ethan more than she could imagine she ever would.

The pair sat in silence for a few minutes before Rox gently slapped her hands down on the table.

“Let’s go.” She gave Ariel a giant smile as she rose from her chair.

“Go where?” Ariel looked shocked and she couldn’t help but laugh.

“Out.” Rox headed for the door, pausing when she realized that the girl wasn’t behind her.

“Out where?” The look on Ariel’s face caused her to laugh again and she held her hands out toward her.

“Anywhere you wanna go.” She watched as the girl slowly stood and made her way toward her, stopping in front of her. “The mall, the movies. We can get ice cream and sit on the beach. We can just drive for a bit if you want.”

She knew the girl was going through a lot and she hoped that she could provide some sense of calm and peace for her.

“Seriously?” She looked so hopeful and there was a hint of excitement and wonder in her eyes. “Whatever I wanna do?”

Rox nodded her head excitedly and waited for the teen to respond.

“Can we get Chinese food?” She asked softly. “And sit on the beach?”

“Absolutely.” Rox could totally go for some Chinese food, her breakfast from that morning long gone.

And she was never one to turn down a trip to the beach.

“Let me get my phone!” The teen scurried off down the fall, her bare feet shuffling as she went.

When she returned she had her phone in her hand, flip flops on her feet, and a hoodie draped over her arm.

“I’m gonna text dad and let him know we’re going out.” Rox simply nodded her head at the girl as they headed out of the house.

She locked the door behind them before making her way toward her car, Ariel hot on her heels.

—

After grabbing Chinese food from their favorite place the pair had headed down to the beach and parked the car before grabbing their food, a blanket, and some drinks, and making their way down toward the water.

They found a spot away from the other groups of people still lingering from the day and settled down, eating in silence for a bit, both lost in their own thoughts.

It was Ariel who broke the silence first and Rox did a double take at her question.

“Is it wrong of me to sometimes still wish my mom and dad were together?” She whispered.

Rox swallowed and took a deep breath, setting down her take-out container as she let the question roll around her in her head for a second.

“No honey, it’s not.” It most certainly wasn’t wrong of her.

Rox had spent most of her childhood wishing her parents would get a divorce because then they’d stop fighting.

But then after it happened she had often wished that they would get back together and she could have a happy, normal family like everyone else.

She often wondered if she would have turned out different, better even, if her parents had given her a loving and stable household growing up.

“Don’t get me wrong,” The teen turned toward her as she spoke, “I love you, and Ed, and I’m glad that you guys are part of my life, but sometimes…” She swallowed and Rox could see the tears forming in her eyes as she turned back toward the water. “Sometimes I just wish they loved each other like they used too.”

“I get that.” She said softly, reaching out to pat her arm. “It’s normal to feel that way.”

“Is it?” Ariel turned back toward her, a tear rolling down her face. “I feel like such a baby.”

“You’re not a baby.” Rox reached out and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, tucking her against her side with a gentle sigh. “You’re a young lady who misses her family being whole. It’s more than normal love.”

Ariel sniffled as she dropped her head to Rox’s shoulder and she hugged the girl closer.

“I just want them to be happy.” She whispered. “If you make dad happy, and Ed makes mom happy, then that’s all that matters.”

Rox couldn’t help but chuckle softly at her words.

She prayed that she made Ethan happy because sometimes she wondered.

“That’s all any of us want.” She knew that Ed was crazy about Leanne and vice versa, she just hoped that it was enough to keep them afloat.

“Do you love dad?” She shouldn’t have been shocked by the girl’s question but she was.

“Of course I love him sweetie.” She wondered if all of their recent fighting had the girl thinking otherwise.

She had never doubted her love for the man, but she sometimes wondered if he still loved her the way he used to.

“He really loves you.” She whispered. “Like, a lot.”

“I know.” She whispered back.

Her heart was tight in her chest and she hated it.

She hated this uncertainty she was feeling in regards to their relationship.

“Are you guys gonna get married someday?” The teen asked after a few minutes of silence.

“I don’t know.” She wished she knew where this was headed, but unfortunately, they could barely make it two days without fighting it seemed.

She doubted that was the healthy ground they needed in order to start a life together.

“Oh. Ok.” She sounded almost disappointed as she reached out and grabbed another egg roll, picking at it slowly as they sat and listened to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.

Rox got ready to respond when Ariel’s phone rang from it’s spot on the blanket and the teen reached out to flip it over.

The word ‘dad’ stared back up at them and the girl quickly answered the phone, a small smile on her face as she did so.

Rox tried not to listen to their conversation but the next thing she knew Ariel was handing the phone to her with a smile.

“Dad wants to talk to you.” She said softly.

“Okay.” Taking the phone from the girl she swallowed, her hands shaking as she tried to calm her nerves. “Hello?”

She shouldn’t be so nervous to talk to the man, and yet, she felt like a teenager.

“Hey.” He sounded tired and she hoped that he wasn’t working himself to death. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah.” She hoped that he wasn’t mad at her for taking the teen out on a school night. “We just had to get out for a bit. I hope it’s okay.”

She held her breath as she waited for a response, her eyes settling on Ariel’s smiling face as she did so.

“Of course.” He didn’t sound upset in the least bit and she let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. “Thanks for taking her. She’s been stressing with school a lot lately.”

“I noticed.” She most certainly didn’t want the teen to burn out before she even started her senior year.

“Are you gonna be at the house tonight?” She could hear the hesitation in his voice and she couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.

“I don’t know.” She whispered back. “Am I?”

“You can stay.” He said softly. “I’ll be late though. Mario’s out sick.”

“That’s fine.” She would most certainly stay for the teen’s sake if nothing else. “I’ll stay so she’s not alone.”

Ariel rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless.

She was perfectly capable of staying alone but Rox still didn’t want it that way.

“Thank you.” She heard him shuffle around on the other end and then there was a bunch of commotion. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll see you girls in the morning.”

“Okay.” She didn’t want to say goodbye all of a sudden. “Be safe.”

“I will.” And then the line went dead and she let out a sigh as she handed the phone back to the girl.

“It sounds like it’s just us for a while longer.” She hoped the girl didn’t mind too much.

“Okay.” She nodded her head as she moved to settle back against Rox’s side, her head falling back to her shoulder with a gentle sigh. “Can I ask you something kind of, personal?”

“Sure.” She wondered what was on the girl’s mind, their conversation about her parents from earlier already more than Rox had bargained for.

“How old were you the first time you fell in love?” The question was as random as they came and Rox couldn’t figure out how to respond at first.

“Um…” She knew she should tell the girl the truth, but it was kind of embarrassing if you asked her.

“I shouldn’t have asked.” She whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“No! No it’s okay sweetie.” She didn’t want the girl to think that she wasn’t interested in talking to her about things because she was. 

And as close as she and Leanne may have been, she knew that there were just some things you couldn’t talk to your mother about.

“It’s kind of embarrassing actually.” She said with a soft laugh.

“Why’s that?” Ariel looked up at her with curious eyes and she swallowed.

“Because I’ve never loved anyone before your father.” She whispered back, a small smile on her face as she spoke.

Just saying those words out loud made her remember why it was that her relationship with Ethan was so incredibly special to begin with.

“Really?” The girl looked a little shocked and she nodded her head.

“Really.” She hoped the girl didn’t ask any questions beyond that, but she sensed that she was headed in that direction.

“Were you… you know, with other guys before dad?” The girl looked embarrassed about asking the question and she offered her what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Yes.” She nodded her head as she reached out and pushed a piece of the girl’s hair behind her ear. “I was with… a lot of guys, before your dad.” She didn’t know if she should be telling her this, but she was hoping the teen would learn from her mistakes. “I’m certainly not proud of that though.”

“I’ve only ever had one boyfriend.” She whispered into the night sky after a few minutes of silence. “Does that make me weird?”

Rox let out a soft chuckle that she instantly regretted when the girl turned to look at her funny.

“No baby, it doesn’t make you weird.” She most certainly hoped that she didn’t think that about herself.

She was a great kid and she was beautiful and smart and funny.

Rox knew what was going through her head though, especially after that party she had been too.

She bet there were some girls saying some not so nice and pleasant things about her and it broke her heart.

“All of my friends have had sex already.” She stated out of the blue and Rox swallowed at her words.

That was most certainly not what she expected to hear.

“Well…” She really didn’t know how to respond.

She had been that girl in high school, the one who put out, the one that the guys called for a good time.

She knew what it was like to be that girl.

Not the good girl who had her head screwed on straight and made good choices.

“I mean, I’ve only ever dated Max. If you can call what we did as dating.” She remembered Ethan telling her about what had happened with the sick boy and she had felt horrible for the girl. No teenager deserved to go through something like that. “But we obviously never, you know, did it.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that honey.” She hoped the girl didn’t feel like there was.

She knew how it was to be a teenager, she knew that peer pressure was a bitch.

“How old were you when you had sex for the first time?” Rox could hear the hesitation in her voice and she contemplated making up a fairy tale answer for her.

But then she remembered that the girl wanted to hear things like they were.

And honestly, she deserved that much right now.

“By choice?” Ariel’s head snapped toward her and her eyes got real big as she processed the question.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s okay honey.” Rox reached out and gripped her shoulder lightly, offering her a soft smile. “I was younger than you.”

The teen blinked as she let it sink in.

“And I didn’t want it to happen.” She had never talked to anyone about this before, not even Ethan, and it was hard.

But, surprisingly, it wasn’t as hard as she excepted.

“You were raped?” There was an understanding look in the girl’s eyes and Rox nodded her head at her.

“I was fourteen.” She whispered. “I went to a party and a boy, who I thought was my friend, took advantage of me. As did his friends.”

“I’m so sorry Rox.” Ariel reached out then, wrapping her arms around her neck tightly as she buried her face against her shoulder. “I didn’t know.”

“You had no way of knowing love.” She wrapped her up tight, pressing a kiss to her head as she spoke softly to her. “But it’s okay. It was a long time ago and I’m okay now.”

“I’m so scared that it’s gonna happen again.” The teen sobbed against her shoulder and she felt a piece of her heart break.

She had lived in absolute fear after her attack too and she remembered just how terrifying it was.

“I know baby.” She pressed another kiss to her head before pulling back softly, cupping the girl’s head gently in her hands. “But you can’t let it control you or take over your life. You hear me?”

She simply nodded her head with a sniffle before tucking herself back into her arms.

“I mean it Ariel.” She hugged her tightly, her words burning in her throat as tears streamed down her face. “I let what happened to me consume me and it destroyed me. Please don’t let that happen to you. Please don’t lose your innocence and your happiness because of this. Don’t let it take that special piece of you away.”

Ariel nodded her head once more as she sniffled, her arms tightening around Rox’s torso once more.

“I love you Rox.” The girl’s words were like a semi-truck to the heart and she couldn’t help but let out a soft sob as she pressed another kiss to her blonde locks. “Thank you for everything.”

“I love you too sweetie.” She had never imagined that she would ever bond with the girl like this and it made her heart swell at the idea that they may have gotten over any hurdles they had once had. “And you’re welcome, for everything.”

—

After their emotional chat on the beach they had finished up their dinner before heading back toward the car.

Ariel had fallen asleep on the way home and when they got to the house Rox had walked her inside with an arm around her shoulder.

The teen had showered quickly before collapsing in bed with a soft sigh, her eyes heavy and sleepy as Rox tucked her in like a small child.

She had then made her way upstairs and showered herself, pulling on one of Ethan’s t-shirts and her underwear before crawling into bed and snuggling under the covers.

She had missed their big cozy bed and the pillows and sheets that smelled like him.

She must have dozed off almost immediately because the next thing she knew she was waking up to the sound of Ariel crawling into the bed beside her.

She had wrapped an arm around the girl and kissed her head before fading back off, her mind reeling after the events of that evening.

When she awoke a few hours later the girl had rolled onto her stomach and was breathing softly, her teddy bear tucked under her arm.

Rox thought she looked more like an almost seven year old than an almost seventeen year old, but she completely understood.

There was just something about cuddling a stuffed animal that made everything better.

She got ready to get up and head into the bathroom when the door to the small space opened and Ethan emerged, a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips, a towel in his hand as he scrubbed at the top of his head gently.

“Hey.” He said softly, stepping into the room fully and turning off the bathroom light. “Did I wake you?”

She shook her head back and forth as she blinked at the sight before her.

“No.” She whispered.

The sight of Ethan bare chested and sleepy was making her ache in all the wrong ways and she was silently cursing the girl for being there in that moment.

“Good.” He moved toward the open side of the bed, tossing the towel into the hamper as he went. “She okay?”

He gestured in the direction of his sleeping daughter, a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah.” At least Rox assumed she was. She still didn’t know why she had crawled in bed with her earlier. “We… talked earlier. About some sensitive stuff. I think she might just be a little overwhelmed.”

She shrugged her shoulders though because it was all just a guess at this point.

“Everything okay?” She knew that Ethan worried about the teen, and that was his right as her father, but sometimes he let his concerns go a little too far. 

“Yeah.” She didn’t want to tell him what they had talked about unless Ariel was okay with it so she hoped that he didn’t pry. “She’s just got some stuff going on.”

He nodded his head as he climbed into bed beside her, his arm reaching around her so that he could run his fingers down the girl’s cheek.

“Yeah I know.” Rox guessed that she may have talked to Ethan about what was plaguing her mind, they were just close like that. “She said she’s been having some trouble with some friends or something like that.”

“Something like that.” Again, she wasn’t going to give him any details though.

“Let me guess, she talked to you about the thing at the party? About how it’s still bothering her?” But apparently Ethan knew more than she expected.

“Yeah.” She let out a breath as she watched the teen stir a little, her brow crinkling in her sleep as she snuggled deeper under the covers. “I told her not to let this destroy her. I told her I know it’s hard but that she couldn’t let it break her. Not like I let it break me.”

She would never be the same after what happened to her, of that Rox was certain, but she prayed that Ariel had the courage and the strength to use this to make her a better person, not a worse one.

“I hope she can get through this.” He whispered, his fingers settling on the girl’s chin before he moved to pull the blanket up over her shoulders. “She’s been through so much, she just… she deserves a break.”

“I know.” She said softly, her hand reaching out to brush back some of the teen’s hair. “She’ll be okay Ethan. She’s a lot stronger than I was at that age.”

“Nonsense.” He moved his hand to hers and pulled it toward him, dragging them both downward as he wrapped her up tightly, his other hand reaching down to pull the covers over them both. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“Maybe now, but not back then.” She whispered. “I didn’t have the support system that she does, the family. I didn’t have people who loved me like we love her. I had Emo, and while she loved me dearly, she was only one person.”

“Well you know what they say?” He looked down at her and raised an eyebrow. “It takes a village…”

She let out a soft laugh as she snuggled against his chest.

“Well she’s got one hell of a village if you ask me.” She was thankful that the girl had so many people who loved and adored her.

She knew it would make recovering and moving on that much easier.

“I’m glad you’re home Roxane.” He whispered against her head, his lips pressing a kiss to her brown locks. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you more.” She whispered back, her lips pressing against his chest softly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.”

“It was my fault.” He said softly. “I pushed you away. I regret it, terribly, I might add.”

“Me too.” She let her fingers find his dog tags and she let the metal rest in her palm as she took a few, slow breaths. “I love you.”

“More today than you did yesterday?” He asked softly.

“And more tomorrow than I do right now.” She replied quietly.

He chuckled softly before pressing another kiss to her head.

“Goodnight love.” She felt him start to settle into sleep and she could hear his heart calming down as he did so.

“Goodnight babe.” He pressed his lips to her temple and tucked her against his side tightly, and then he was out, his quiet snores filling the room almost immediately.

Rox blinked back a round of tears as she let the feeling of being here sink in.

This was where she belonged.

And no matter what happened, these were her people, and this was her home.


	40. Fingers Crossed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan had some questions for Rox about their future. And he had no problem getting started on making them happen right away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Smut and snuggles, our couples two favorite things.

Ethan had been so incredibly thankful when Rox had come home.

He had missed her the few days that she had been gone.

And while they hadn’t exactly talked about what had happened and they hadn’t addressed Robbie’s death, they had both been on the same page in the end.

They loved each other, of that much they were certain, and they knew that they needed to find a way to make things work.

Not just for them, but for Ariel as well.

The teen needed them and they needed her and they were willing to do whatever it took to keep their family together.

They had both worked tirelessly to help the girl through the last few days of her summer intensive at Stanford and when it was all said and done they were all exhausted.

So Ethan had gone to Leanne and asked for a few extra days with the teen.

And then he had whisked his girl’s away for an end of summer trip.

They had driven north and stopped at the beach in San Francisco for two days before heading east.

Their final destination being Yosemite National Park.

Ariel had been over the moon upon their arrival and she had spent the whole time they were there hiking and swimming. 

Ethan had been shocked that he hadn’t seen her phone come out once, except to snap a few pictures along the way, and she had even told them both that she didn’t need to talk to her friends when she had them.

He had had quite the dad moment when she said that and Rox had just chuckled.

He guessed that she probably understood quite well where the girl was coming from.

Today had been their final full day at the park and they were due to return home to LA tomorrow.

They had spent the day exploring the mountains one last time before returning to the little cabin that they had rented and when Ariel had fallen into bed before 9:00pm they had both guessed that they were doing something right.

And then Ethan had dragged Rox down the hall toward their room and he had shut and locked the door with a sneaky smile.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Rox asked softly, her eyes going wide as he leaned back against the closed door.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” He was baiting her and he was curious to see if she took it.

“Are you trying to insinuate that we should be doing something other than sleeping?” She headed toward him then, her eyes twinkling in the low light of the room.

“Maybe.” He reached out for her, his hands grabbing her hips gently as he tugged her forward.

“Why Ethan James Willis,” She wrapped her arms around his neck as she spoke and he chuckled, “that’s mighty brazen of you.”

They hadn’t done anything more than kiss their entire trip, both of them afraid that Ariel would hear, or worse, walk in on them, again.

And after she had busted them both topless on the couch the night before her last day of classes, they had been hesitant to do anything with her around.

“The door’s locked.” He whispered, his head falling to her shoulder as he pressed kisses against the exposed skin. “And she’s fast asleep.”

Rox pulled back, causing his head to fall forward, and he let out a huff.

“You have to promise to be quiet.” She said softly, her fingers running through his hair as she dragged his head upward.

“Yes ma’am.” He leaned forward then, capturing her lips in his.

It didn’t take him long before he was running his tongue along her lips, his fingers pushing at the hem of her sleep shirt as he turned them around, backing her against the door.

She let out a low moan, her nails dragging along the bare skin of his back as she opened her mouth to him, allowing him access.

He couldn’t get enough of her, not now, not ever.

“Love you.” He growled against her lips, his hands gripping at the hem of her shirt, pulling it upward and over her head in one quick motion.

“Love you too.” She whispered back.

He dropped his forehead to hers and let out a soft sigh.

“Let’s have a baby.” He whispered, his eyes locking with hers as he ran his fingers along her bare shoulder and chest, stopping them right above her left breast.

He expected her to freak out, to lose her mind and pull away from him, but instead she let out a soft sigh.

“I don’t think we can.” He could see the hurt in her eyes and it broke his heart.

He loved her so much more than he ever thought possible and all he wanted was to spend the rest of his life with her.

He wanted a family with her too.

Kids, a dog, a nice big house with a beautiful yard.

He wanted it all.

And Rox was the only person he wanted it with.

“You keep saying that.” He prayed that that wasn’t the case, that she wasn’t so hurt that a kid was completely out of the question for them.

“It hasn’t happened yet Ethan.” He could see the tears forming in her eyes and he sighed softly. “It’s not like we’re doing anything to prevent it.”

“Well, maybe we’re not trying hard enough.” He gave her a soft wink and she chuckled, her eyes rolling softly as she brought her hands up to run through his hair.

“I’m not opposed to the idea, but I just…” She closed her eyes for a brief second and he leaned in, pressing his lips to her nose.

“Let’s just keep trying then.” He whispered, his hands tugging gently on her hips as he dragged her toward the bed with him.

She let out a soft laugh and he felt his heart start to race in his chest.

“You really want a baby don’t you?” She sounded so uncertain and it broke his heart.

He thought he had been pretty clear about the fact that he wanted a baby with her.

“Yes, love, I do.” He trailed his fingers up her bare back as he turned her toward the bed, pushing her down onto the mattress with a soft thud. “More than anything.”

“I do too.” She whispered, her hands reaching upward to grab a hold of his hips.

He smiled down at her as he leaned forward, pushing her up the mattress slowly, his body moving to hover over her.

“Maybe that’s all it will take.” He pressed a soft kiss against her shoulder as his hands pushed at the waistband of her pajama bottoms. “Maybe we both just need to be on the same page.”

“I hope so.” He hoped that she meant it.

He hoped that she really wanted this just as badly as he did.

Sure he had Ariel, and he loved her dearly, but he wanted a baby with Rox, a child that was the perfect mix of the two of them, a kid that they could raise together and do all the fun things with.

He hadn’t gotten that with Ariel and it was something he wanted more than anything.

“Me too.” He moved his head down, pressing kisses along the skin between her breasts as he went. He stopped his lips right above her belly button, peppering the area with soft little pecks, before lifting his head up and smiling at her. “You’re gonna be the most beautiful pregnant women in the world.”

She rolled her eyes at him before letting her head fall back against the mattress with a sigh.

“I hope it’s a boy.” She whispered into the silence.

“Why’s that?” He pushed her pants the rest of the way down and kissed her just above the waistband of her underwear with a soft smile.

“Girls are hard.” She said with a chuckle. “Just look at me. And Ariel. You can barely handle us.” 

“Gee thanks babe.” He nipped at the inside of her thigh and she let out a soft whimper.

“Ethan…” He dragged his teeth along the bare skin, moving his way upward as he hooked his fingers under her panties.

“Yes love?” He refused to make eye contact with her as he pulled her underwear down, his lips pressing against her curls as he dragged his fingers up her leg slowly, stopping them at her core.

“Come here please.” She said softly. 

“Why?” He slowly slid a finger inside her, hi/.s lips pressing another kiss just above the spot where he knew she wanted it most.

“Because.” She reached down and grabbed his hair in her fingers, tugging roughly until he looked up at her. “Please.”

He let out a soft chuckle as he pressed another kiss against her curls before slowly moving upward.

He stopped when his face was mere inches from hers, his fingers stroking her lightly as he smiled at her.

“I love you.” She whispered, her hands tangling in his hair as she dragged his lips down to hers.

He smiled into the kiss as he slid another finger inside her and when she groaned he felt his insides stir.

There was something about that sound coming from her that did him in.

“I love you too.” He whispered back, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes. “Now hush.”

She chuckled softly, her hands falling down to push at the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

She had them halfway down before she let out another groan, this time her back arching with the sound.

“Easy girl.” He whispered, his head falling to her chest as he let his lips dance over her right breast.

She didn’t reply with words, instead she shoved her hand inside his boxers, her fingers wrapping tightly around his erection as she whimpered.

He let out a sigh as she used her other hand to push his boxers down, her back arching once more.

“Ethan please.” She moaned out, her fingers tightening their grip around him as she started to pant slightly.

He let out a soft chuckle as he dragged his thumb over her core, nipping at the skin of her other breast as he picked up the pace.

And the next thing he knew she was coming undone beneath him, her eyes slamming shut as she moaned out his name, her back arched under him as she came down from her high.

“Good?” He whispered after a minute, his head nuzzling against the smooth skin of her neck as he withdrew his fingers slowly.

“Very.” She replied softly, her body relaxing under his, her eyes soft and blissful looking.

“You okay for more?” They hadn’t been super intimate with each other like they used to be, most nights ending after only one or two rounds, and he certainly didn’t want to push her if she wasn’t up for more.

“Yes please.” She nodded her head and he smiled as he lined himself up with her core.

“You tell me if I need to stop okay?” He didn’t know if she had stopped wanting to go round after round because she was tired or sore, or if it was more emotional than physical, but either way, he respected it.

“You’re fine Ethan.” She reached up and cupped his cheek softly as he slid into her, her eyes lighting up at the intimacy of the moment. “Besides, we can’t very well try and make a baby if all we do is some handiwork now can we?”

He let out a soft laugh at her words and when she giggled up at him he felt his heart clench in his chest.

“You are correct my love.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss against her lips softly, his hips settling above hers as he set a rhythm.

She smiled at him softly, her hands tangling in his sloppy hair as she thrust upward at him.

They stayed that way for a while, just staring into each other’s eyes as he continued his movements.

He let one hand remain by her hip for leverage but the other reached up and pushed back her curls, a smile on his face as he did his best to convey to her just how much he loved her.

It didn’t take too long before Rox was reaching her breaking point, her eyes closing softly as she let out several soft moans.

The fingers of her right hand tightened around his hair as her left hand fell to his shoulder, gripping the space tightly as she reached her peak and then tumbled over it.

He leaned down and kissed her passionately, his hands settling on her cheeks gently.

She let out a soft sigh when he pulled back, her eyes opening as she smiled up at him.

“Fingers crossed.” He whispered, his forehead dropping to hers softly.

“Fingers crossed.” She whispered back, her fingers scratching at his scalp softly.

“I love you more today than I did yesterday.” He pressed a soft kiss to her nose with his words.

“And I’ll love you more tomorrow than I do right now.” She leaned up and captured his lips in hers, her body relaxing under his as she started to come down from her previous high.

He smiled into the kiss, sliding from within her slowly, and then he rolled onto his back, tucking her against his side tightly, his lips pressing against her hair softly.

“Sleep love.” He whispered against her forehead, his eyes falling closed as the day finally caught up with him.

And before she could respond Rox was asleep, her breaths even as she wrapped her hand gently around his dog tags, her legs tangling with his as he pulled the covers over their bodies.

He smiled as she snuggled into him even more and he pressed one more kiss against her head before letting his eyes close tightly, his body fading off into sleep as well.

—

The next time Ethan woke up he noticed that the bed beside him was empty, his sleeping companion having left him sometime during the night.

He let out a soft sigh as he let his hand fall into the spot where Rox’s body had once been.

The space was still warm, meaning that she hadn’t been gone long.

He wondered if she would be upset if he sought her out, if she needed some time to herself to process everything they had talked about.

She had admitted to wanting a baby.

She had admitted to hoping that it happened.

So he prayed that she hadn’t gone back on that in a matter of hours.

He closed his eyes again for a brief second before pushing himself from the bed and grabbing his boxers and sweatpants, pulling them both on slowly as he listened for any signs of movement in the rest of the house.

It sounded quiet enough and he prayed that the teen was still asleep in her bed upstairs, allowing him a few more hours of alone time with his beautiful girlfriend before she woke.

Opening the door slowly, he stepped out into the hall and made his way into the living room, but there was no sign of Rox in the small space, or in the kitchen, and he let out sigh.

Where in the world could she possibly be?

But then he heard it, the faint sound of laughter coming from the room at the top of the stairs and he let out a breath, a smile forming on his lips as he listened to the two girls giggle about something.

He had always worried that they would never bond the way he wanted them too.

And for a while there, they didn’t seem like they were even willing to try.

But ever since he had come home from London the two had been inseparable it seemed and he was incredibly thankful for their budding friendship.

He knew that Rox needed someone like Ariel in her life, and Ariel most certainly needed someone like Rox in hers.

He made his way up the stairs slowly, doing his best not to make any noise as not to disturb them just yet, and when he stopped just outside the small room he felt his heart stop at the words that left his daughter’s mouth.

“So are you and dad gonna have a baby too?” He didn’t know what struck him harder, the fact that she asked if they were going to have a baby, or the part that sounded like someone else in her life was going to have on as well.

The only person he could fathom that being would be her mother.

And he felt a twinge of guilt mixed with jealousy and regret deep down in his gut.

“I don’t know sweetie.” Rox’s voice was soft and he could tell that she most certainly wasn’t expecting such a question to leave the teen’s lips. “We’ve talked about it.”

There was no response from the girl though and he wanted to bust into the room and hold her tight.

He knew this would be hard on her, having a baby around wasn’t easy, but he also knew that she never expected them to put their lives on hold for her.

She wasn’t selfish like that.

“Who else is having a baby?” Rox asked softly.

Ethan found himself holding his breath as he waited for the girl to answer.

He really, really hoped that she didn’t say her mom and Ed were.

“I heard mom and Ed talking about it the other night.” She said quietly.

He wanted to break something, badly.

“Oh.” Rox sounded as shocked as him by this revelation. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He heard shuffling in the room and he pressed his back against the wall by the door. “I don’t know how serious they are, but I think mom might have thought that maybe she was…”

Her voice trailed off and he heard Rox let out a sigh.

He was suddenly excessively nervous about this whole thing.

If Leanne and Ed were to have a baby together he knew that Rox would constantly be comparing herself to the other woman and he certainly didn’t want that.

“Yeah, she did.” He did a double take at Rox’s words.

He had no idea that Leanne was worried about that.

They had only ever had two scares the entire 2.5 years they were together.

And one of them occurred when they really didn’t want it too.

The other was not to long before Ariel came along and they had been on such a high together.

For five whole weeks they had walked around thinking that they were going to bring a new life into the world, together.

They had talked about it at night, going over what they were going to do and how they would make it work.

And then Ariel showed up and that threw a little wrench in their plans.

And then Leanne called him in the middle of the night to tell him that it was a false alarm.

Deep down he knew that it wasn’t.

He knew it was a loss and she just couldn’t say it out loud.

But he wasn’t about to bring that up to her.

He didn’t want to break her even more than she already was.

They had started fighting after that.

And as the summer dragged on things just got worse and worse.

And by the time Rox had arrived and the school year had started they had broken things off.

The constant reminder of what could have been far too much for either of them to bare.

“She told you that?” Ariel’s words broke through his thoughts and he shook his head to ward off the tears.

He had never fully recovered from what had happened.

He was pretty sure that deep down, Leanne hadn’t either.

“She confided in me that she suspected that she might be.” Rox’s voice was soft and he let out a breath. He was thankful for her friendship with Leanne through it all.

“Is she?” He wanted to know the answer almost as badly as the teen did.

“No.” He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, his body relaxing against the wall.

It’s not that he wouldn’t be happy for her if she was.

He just didn’t know if she would be able to go through something so tragic again.

Losing Eli and Caitlin in the accident had been bad enough.

Then she had lost their baby on top of it.

And then, as if things hadn't been bad enough, they had almost lost Ariel too.

It hadn't been fair.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do if you both have babies." The teen whispered.

"You'll be an amazing big sister Ariel." He knew that was true.

She was a great kid and she was turning into an amazing young woman.

He was so proud of her and everything that she had accomplished and over come.

He hoped that she saw herself the same way.

"I don't know anything about babies." He couldn't help but chuckle.

He didn't know the first thing about babies either.

"Neither do I babe." He hated that Rox didn't get a chance to be a mother earlier in her life.

He prayed that there was a way he could give that to her.

“Have you always wanted kids?” Ariel asked softly.

Ethan felt his heart stop in his chest.

He didn’t know how Rox would handle that question.

“Not always.” She whispered back. “When I was younger I never really thought about it much. But then I got pregnant when I was in my early twenties and all of a sudden I loved the idea of being a mom.”

“Something happened?” He hated thinking about what Rox had been through. “I mean, you don’t have a child so…?”

“I had a miscarriage.” Rox’s words hit him where it counted most.

He still couldn’t believe that that bastard had taken away her baby.

“I’m sorry Rox.” He knew that Ariel would feel sympathy toward the woman.

She had the kindest heart of anyone he had ever met.

“It’s okay honey.” The older woman said softly. “I survived.”

“So now you and Dad want to have a baby?” He wanted to have a baby, more than anything, but he worried that her participation in the whole thing wasn’t as invested as his was.

“We wouldn’t mind having one.” She whispered back. “We’ve talked about it.”

“Are you two trying to have a baby?” He thought the question was a little random coming from the girl, and a little evasive, but he understood her desire to know.

“Yes and no.” He thought her answer was interesting. “We’re not, preventing it.”

“So it could happen?” He held his breath as he waited for an answer.

“It might.” Rox whispered softly. “It might not.”

He hoped it did.

And he hoped it was sooner, rather than later.

“I hope it happens.” He was surprised to hear Ariel say that.

He always figured that she would freak out the idea of being a big sister.

“Me too sweetie.” He was glad to hear Rox say those words. 

He wanted this more than anything and if they could make it happen he would absolutely be over the moon.

He let out a soft sigh as he made his way back downstairs.

He couldn’t convince himself to listen any longer, his brain having already processed enough information for the time being.

He just wanted things to be okay.

He hoped that this trip was a step in the right direction for all of them.


	41. What If’s

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethan had a lot of what ifs, but he never imagined that he’d be discussing them with his daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is nothing but pure daddy/daughter love between Ethan and Ariel, something we were denied during season 3 for whatever reason. Hope you guys enjoy!

Ethan had been thrilled with being able to take the trip to Northern California with his girls.

And he had been even more thrilled when they had come home and were even closer than before.

After they had returned to LA he and Rox didn’t talk much more about having a baby.

They had tried a few more times, but they hadn’t really sat down and had a discussion about it like they originally planned.

Instead they had both jumped right back into work and Ariel had finished getting ready for her senior year of high school.

He was still struggling to accept the fact that his sweet little girl was about to start her last year of school and would be heading off to college this time next year.

She had been quietly tucked away in her room all morning, having locked herself in there before he left for his run and only exiting to grab herself a pop-tart around 10:00am.

Rox had just shaken her head and smiled and he wondered what the two were up too at this point.

She had pressed a kiss against his cheek before leaving for her shift and had told him not to worry.

And then she had been off, leaving him alone with the teen.

He had finally had enough of the silence and had headed toward her room just as his stomach let out a serious growl.

He was downright starving, his muffin having been consumed about 6.5 hours ago, and he wanted lunch.

Knocking on the girl’s door he waited for a minute before trying the knob.

The door opened easily and he poked his head inside, catching sight of the girl slouched over her desk, pen in hand, ear buds in, her brow furrowed as she concentrated on whatever she was scribbling down.

He shook his head softly before retreating from the room and closing the door behind him.

He decided that he would just go ahead and order a pizza anyway, knowing the girl would likely leave her room for something covered in cheese and mushrooms.

After calling the pizza place and ordering a large pizza and some cheese bread, he pulled his phone out and shot the girl a text, knowing that she had to have her phone nearby.

I ordered a pizza. Should be here in 30. He hoped that she would at least have lunch with him before locking herself away again.

Thanks dad :) He shook his head at her response before plopping down on the couch and turning on the TV.

The pizza arrived exactly thirty minutes later and he sent the girl another text letting her know that it was in the kitchen when she got hungry.

She finally emerged from her room about ten minutes later, her bare feet soft against the hardwood as she grabbed a plate, piled it full of food, and grabbed a Coke from the fridge.

He expected her to retreat back into her room and shut the door once more, but instead she plopped down on the couch beside him and offered him a smile before taking a bite of her cheese bread.

“Thanks for lunch.” She said around a bite of food. “I was starving.”

He let out a laugh as he took her in, her hair pulled into a messy braid, one of his old Army hoodies hanging off her shoulders loosely, covering up her black running shorts slightly.

She looked comfortable at least, so he guessed that whatever she was slaving away on wasn’t that horrible.

“No worries.” He smiled back at her before taking a bite of his pizza and leaning back against the couch cushions. “Everything okay?”

She nodded her head as she chewed her bite of food, reaching up to wipe her hand across her mouth.

“Yeah.” There was a slight twinkle in her eyes when she turned to him and he raised an eyebrow.

“Working on something serious I saw?” He was dying to know what it was.

“College applications.” She whispered.

He swallowed as he felt his heart skip a beat.

He couldn’t believe they had finally reached this point.

“Oh.” He nodded his head as he offered her a small smile. “Anywhere good?”

They hadn’t really talked much about her choice in schools and while he knew she had a few in mind, they hadn’t sat down and had that much needed discussion.

“Stanford.” She said softly, her head falling downward as she blinked her eyes real slow. “UCLA.”

He knew those were on her list, she had done her summer intensives there after all.

And she had loved both of them, despite the other things that had happened she had seemed to really enjoy the classes and the professors at both schools.

“Good.” He hoped she could get in somewhere good like that.

Although, he knew that she would.

She was smart, as smart as they came, and she was dedicated and hardworking now that she realized she was capable of having a future.

She had really grown the past year and a half and he was curious to see where things were headed for her.

“A few others…” She trailed off as she turned her attention away from him, her eyes focusing on the TV in front of them.

They had never talked about other schools.

In fact, she had never mentioned any other schools than the two she had already mentioned.

“Other schools?” He liked UCLA and Stanford because they were close.

She could live at home if she wanted, or at least be close by if she decided to stay on campus, either one were fine with him.

And she would get in-state tuition at either one of those schools, not that the money was a deterrent from allowing her to go wherever she wanted.

His dad had already agreed to pay for whatever school she choose as long as she maintained her grades and stayed out of trouble.

“Harvard.” She whispered, her head falling down some. “UVA. Duke.”

His heart stopped at her words.

Those schools weren’t anywhere close to home.

“Oh.” He didn’t know what else to say, his mind becoming fuzzy at the prospect of his baby girl moving to the other side of the country.

“Stanford is still my top choice dad.” She must have sense his distress because she put her plate on the end table and crawled across the couch toward him. “I just…”

“You like other schools too.” He finished her sentence for her.

He understood completely how she felt.

Had he had had the opportunity he would have loved to have gone to a school like the ones she mentioned.

But the Army was his only way out and he went where they told him to go.

“You went to Harvard Med though right?” He nodded his head at her, his heart swelling at the fact that she remembered that.

“I did, after I graduated from West Point.” He had been beyond shocked when he had actually gotten into Harvard, his record not having been the greatest.

But he had the training and the grades to back him up so his CO had told him that he was pretty much a shoe-in for one of the few spots open.

“Did you like it?” She looked at him hopefully and he could tell that she was looking for his blessing on these other schools.

“I loved it.” He whispered. “It was a great experience.”

She nodded her head as she returned back to her spot, grabbing her slice of pizza and taking another bite out of it.

They sat in silence and finished their food, both staring absently at the TV, both lost in their own thoughts.

When the girl was done she stood and carried her plate into the kitchen before disappearing down the hall and into her room.

Ethan let out a sigh, he was pretty certain that she was lost to him again.

But then she returned a minute later, a notebook and her iPad tucked under her arms, a small smile on her face as she moved toward the couch.

“I need some information from you and mom though.” She whispered, dropping down to sit directly beside him.

“What’s up?” He was glad she was including him in the process.

Although, he was pretty certain that she just needed his credit card number for the application fee at the end.

She handed him the notebook and a pen, gesturing for him to fill out the information on the paper in front of him.

He chuckled softly as he started scribbling down the information she was asking for.

After he was done he handed her the paper and smiled, watching as she pulled up a brochure on the screen for Pre-Med program at Stanford, a small smile on her face as she shoved the device in his direction.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve read this brochure about a hundred times Angel.” He whispered.

He and Leanne both had poured through the information more times than he could count.

He had practically memorized it all.

“Really?” She offered him a raised eyebrow as she pulled the iPad back toward her.

“Your mom and I both have.” He reached out and pushed a stray hair behind her ear. “Had to make sure it was good enough for you.”

She let out a soft sigh as she hung her head and he could see the tears forming in her eyes.

“Angel,” He cupped her cheek softly, lifting her head up so that he could meet her eyes, “what’s wrong?”

He had a feeling that she was going to be full with some kind of longing that he couldn’t give her.

“I just…” She sniffled as she wiped the sleeve of his hoodie against her eyes. “Sometimes I wish that you and mom were still together.”

“I know baby.” He hated that she had had to go through such a painful break-up along with them. 

He would have given anything to spare her that kind of sorrow.

“She and Ed wanna have a baby.” She whispered, her head falling back down as she turned to press her back against the cushions.

“I know.” The only reason he knew was because he had overheard her telling Rox that, but he wasn’t going to let her know that.

“And so do you and Rox.” He couldn’t tell if she was okay with that or not by the way her face kind of fell at the end.

“Yes we do babe.” He hoped that it wouldn’t cause issues, but he would totally understand if it did.

“How come you and mom never had a baby?” The question hit him right in the heart and he let out a shaky breath as he leaned back against the cushions.

They had never talked about what happened to Leanne.

He couldn’t make words form in his throat and he swallowed as he let out a sigh.

“Dad?” She reached out and placed her hand on his thigh, her voice soft as she tried to get through to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing sweetie.” He whispered.

He didn’t know if he could bring himself to talk about this with her.

“Did something happen?” He turned to face her and his heart broke at the look in her eyes.

She knew something was up, she wasn’t stupid.

“Look sweetie,” He took a deep breath before locking his eyes on hers and continuing, “your mom, she was pregnant once.”

His heart was racing in his chest just saying those words.

“When?” She asked softly.

“Not long before you came to stay with us.” It had only been a few days after the teen arrived that Leanne had called him.

“What happened?” He could tell by the look in her eyes that she already knew answer.

“She lost the baby.” He whispered.

Tears came to her eyes almost immediately and he reached out and wrapped his arms around her.

He knew that it would hit her hard too, no matter how much she tried to act like it wouldn’t.

“I’m sorry daddy.” She whispered back, her arms wrapping around his neck tightly. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay.” He pressed a kiss against her head, his hands rubbing her back softly. “We never told anyone.”

“Is that…?” She took a deep breath as she sniffled, pulling away from him slowly. “Is that why you two started fighting so bad?”

“Yeah.” He sighed out.

He couldn’t believe that they had let themselves fall apart like that.

“I love you daddy.” She whispered out of nowhere, her arms wrapping back around his neck as she clung to him.

“I love you too baby girl.” He pressed another kiss to her head as he hugged her tightly to him.

He would never get over how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter to love.

They stayed that way for a few minutes, holding each other tightly, before she pulled back and wiped at her face.

“What else do you need for these applications?” He asked softly.

He wanted to change the subject and move on.

He wanted to talk about happy things and the bright future his daughter had ahead of her.

“I have to submit application fees for two of them.” She said quietly.

“Which two?” He knew that she had had her fee waived for Stanford and UCLA after doing her intensives there but he wondered which other one was already covered.

“Harvard and Duke.” He shook his head at her words.

“Why not UVA?” He was curious as to why she wasn’t paying a fee for that one too.

“Ed paid for that one.” She hung her head and he sighed.

He was slightly upset that she had talked to Ed about these things and not him.

“Oh.” He said softly. “Okay.”

“He went there.” She offered him a soft smile as she lifted her head. “He wrote me a great reference and everything.”

“So it’s a contender?” He had nothing against the school, or it’s school of medicine, but he was opposed to her living on the other side of the country.

“It’s above Duke.” She whispered.

“So rule Duke out.” He sounded like such an ass when he said that he and instantly hated himself for it.

“You think?” But she didn’t sound mad, she sounded relieved.

“Ariel, honey,” He reached out and took her hands in his, smiling at her softly, “you’re gonna get in to one of these great schools no matter which one is your favorite. Hell, you’re probably gonna get into all of these schools. You don’t need to apply to ones that you’re not excited about.”

She nodded her head and offered him a soft smile.

“Duke’s out.” She said as she chuckled.

“Okay.” He nodded his head back at her, smiling back. “Duke’s out.”

“That leaves Harvard.” Her voice was quiet as she offered him a look.

“I’ll take care of Harvard.” He squeezed her hands gently before pulling back and grabbing her iPad. “Now, show me their brochure.”

“But you went there?” She looked confused and he laughed.

“Yeah, 25 years ago.” He said with a smile. “I’m sure things have changed.”

“Yeah. Probably.” She chuckled back at him and he watched as she grabbed the tablet and opened it, pulling up the brochure for Harvard’s Pre-Med program.

The two poured over the brochure for a good thirty minutes before she closed the iPad and sank back against the couch cushions, her head falling to his shoulder as she snuggled against his side.

“Promise me something love?” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he spoke softly.

“What’s that?” She looked up at him, her eyes soft and sleepy looking.

“No matter which school you pick, no matter where you move to,” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Promise me that you’ll never get too old for your old man?”

“Oh that’ll never happen.” She said with a soft laugh, snuggling even closer as she closed her eyes.

“Good.” He whispered, his lips pressing against her hair softly before he sank back against the couch as well, his body relaxing into the space.

“You promise I’ll always have a place here?” Her question made his heart hurt.

He hoped that she didn’t think that he would replace her once she left, even if he and Rox had a baby or two.

“Always Angel.” He squeezed her shoulders as he spoke. “This is your home.”

She nodded her head against his shoulder and when he looked down she was breathing softly.

“Sleep baby.” He pressed another kiss against to head before letting his head fall against hers, his body giving in to the demands of the past few days, his heart heavy with the idea of his baby girl leaving him someday.


	42. Mystery Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rox was confused as to why a mystery woman was asking about her boyfriend, and very intensely at that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Smut and the start of a pretty crazy arc. Don’t shoot me!

Rox had had a rollercoaster of a week.

Between work and Ethan and Ariel going back to school, she was just downright exhausted.

And she was so ready for things to just calm down and go back to normal.

She should have known that wouldn’t happen.

She should have known that things were too good to be true.

And all of her hopes and dreams were crushed one afternoon when she saw some strange woman wandering around the halls of Angels.

She heard the woman asking about Ethan.

Looking for him and wondering what he was up to.

She had the feeling that the woman was up to no good.

And it scared her.

After a good hour of watching the woman ask question after question Rox finally cornered Jesse at the nurse’s station and asked the question she had been dying to get an answer too.

"Who is that?" She asked softly, her eyes searching Jesse’s face for any hint as to what his answer would be.

"Her name's Sarah.” He said with a sigh. “That's all I know."

"Why is she here?" She wasn’t impressed with Jesse’s lack of knowledge about the woman.

"Don't know." He shrugged his shoulders as he handed the chart in his hands over to the nurse behind the counter.

"Why is she looking for Ethan?" She probably wasn’t supposed to know that the woman was searching for her boyfriend, but she had overheard her ask for Ethan three separate times.

"Don't know that one either." He turned to face her and she sighed again.

"Jesse..." She dragged out the head nurse’s name, hoping to get to him so that she could get an answer to her question.

"What?" He didn’t seem phased by her though and it bugged her.

Normally she had a much stronger impact on the man.

"You're normally so much better informed than this." She said softly, offering him a little smile.

"Yes, well normally I can be nosy,” He returned her smile as he reached out and gripped her shoulders softly, “but it's hard to be stealthy when it comes to Ethan."

"Don't I know it." She knew that the man kept his life relatively private, sometimes even from her, and it was hard to get information if you weren’t super close to him.

"Look Rox, I'm sure everything's okay.” He said reassuringly. “Go home, get some rest. I'll let him know to call you when he's done."

But she wasn’t reassured and she didn’t want to go home.

She wanted answers and she wanted them now.

"Thanks Jesse." But she knew that she couldn’t stand around Angels forever.

"No worries chica." He squeezed her arms gently before stepping away from her and returning to a nearby patient.

She let out a soft sigh as she watched the woman in question, or, Sarah, as Jesse had so nonchalantly referred to her as, stop Leanne just outside her office.

She wondered if it was worth it to try and sneak into the conversation between the two women, but she saw the upset look on Leanne’s face and she knew it wasn’t worth it.

—

Rox had reluctantly left Angels after that and headed home, stopping to grab a few groceries on her way.

She had texted Ethan and let him know that she was home and that she couldn’t wait to see him, but he never answered.

After showering and changing into a pair of running shorts and a t-shirt she shot Ariel a quick text to see what the girl was up to.

She responded almost immediately, telling her that she was actually about to head to the mall and that she’d love some company.

So she had grabbed her purse and waited on the front porch for the girl, smiling when she pulled into the driveway in Leanne’s car.

Rox knew that Ethan and Martin were scheming to get the teen a car for her upcoming birthday and it took everything in her not to spill the beans to the girl.

After making sure the front door was locked she joined the girl in the car and they headed toward the mall, the sound of the radio playing in the background as they drove along.

They spent two hours walking around the mall, Ariel grabbing a few last minute items for school and Rox grabbing a few new pairs of pants for work.

Ariel had sent Ethan a text, asking him if he wanted to meet them for dinner, but the man never responded.

So instead they had grabbed Mexican food to go and headed back to her and Ethan’s place, turning on a movie and curling up on the couch as soon as they arrived.

The teen had fallen asleep toward the end of the movie and Rox had draped a blanket over her body before turning off the TV and heading upstairs to get ready for bed.

She had just climbed under the covers when she heard the front door open, Ethan’s boots thudding on the hardwood as he moved around downstairs.

And then he was making his way up the stairs and she held her breath.

She wanted to know who was searching for him earlier and if they had ever found him.

Letting out a soft sigh she watched as he entered the bedroom and headed straight for the bathroom, the shower turning on a minute later.

She pushed herself out of the bed and made her way toward the small room, turning the knob gently and opening it.

“Ethan…?” She obviously knew it was him, but she didn’t know if he would respond.

It wasn’t like him to check with her first.

“Hey.” He poked his head around the curtain, offering her a soft smile. “I’ll be right out.”

She nodded her head as she returned the smile.

She wanted to join him but she didn’t know if he was open to such an idea.

“Want some company?” She asked quietly, leaning against the door frame as she offered him a sly look.

“I’d love some.” He winked at her before disappearing back behind the curtain and she chuckled.

She heard him let out a soft laugh as she stepped out of her sweatpants and underwear, pulling her t-shirt over her head quickly.

And then she was stepping into the shower, the warm water hitting her as Ethan reached and grabbed her waist, tugging her toward him.

“I missed you today.” He whispered, his head falling to the crook of her neck as he nibbled at the exposed skin.

“Yeah you were awfully busy.” She had known that was bound to happen more often than not.

“Rollie was out.” He moved his head to the other side of her neck as his fingers fell to her stomach, running gently over the bare skin there. 

“Everything okay?” It wasn’t like the older man to not be at work.

“He had a friend in town.” He let his fingers dip lower, running through her curls as he leaned up to kiss her lips softly.

“Ah.” She let out a breath as he ran a finger along her core, sliding it into her slowly as he deepened the kiss.

“Everything okay with the kid?” She guessed that he wasn’t expecting to come home and find the teen asleep on their couch.

“We went shopping.” She whispered, her head falling backward some as he added another finger.

“Spending all my hard earned money?” He raised an eyebrow at her as he smiled and she felt something inside her stir.

She knew he was just joking, but there was something about having a man that spoiled her that still seemed so hard to believe.

“She got school clothes.” She let out a whimper as he dragged his thumb along her core.

“Wise investment.” He dragged his teeth along her pulse point as he picked up his pace. “Nothing too scandalous I hope.”

She chuckled at his words.

Ariel was typically pretty conservative when it came to her clothes, especially for school, but every now and then she snuck something into her wardrobe when Ethan wasn’t paying attention that drove him wild.

“Everything is ‘dad approved’.” She had laughed when Ariel had asked her to make sure that nothing she bought would break Ethan’s heart.

“Good.” He twisted his fingers in just the right way and all of a sudden she was seeing stars, her hands reaching out to grab at him as he pulled her closer with his free hand.

They stayed that way for a few more minutes, her body finally giving in to him and crossing over the edge with a tremble and a moan and then the next thing she knew he was kissing his way down her body.

She knew he ultimately had one destination in mind and she let out a whimper as he backed her up against the wall of the shower.

“Ethan…” She dragged out his name as he lifted a leg upward, his lips dancing softly against the inside of her thigh.

“Yes love?” He didn’t break his concentration though and before she knew it he was running his tongue along her folds and that was the end of her ability to concentrate on anything other than the sensations running through her body.

She let out a growl as she leaned back against the wall, her eyes closing as she fisted her fingers around his hair tightly.

Then the next thing she knew he was bringing her over the edge once again, his fingers gently coaxing her back down as he kissed her curls gently.

“Good?” He whispered his question and all she could do was nod her head.

It was beyond good and she couldn’t remember the last time she had been so lost in lust.

He stood then, kissing his way up her body as he went.

He stopped at her lips and she couldn’t help but smile when he nipped at her softly, urging her to open her eyes up to him.

“Hi.” He whispered.

“Hi.” She whispered back.

“Love you.” He pressed a soft kiss against her cheek as he ran his fingers through her hair and she couldn’t help but offer him a giant smile.

“Love you more.” She let her hands wander down his bare chest and stomach, stopping them against his erection as she stared back at him.

“Whatcha doing?” He asked with a sigh.

She didn’t answer with words, instead she wrapped a hand around him and began moving it slowly.

He let out a whimper as he dropped his head to her shoulder, his left hand tightening it’s grip on her waist, his right going to the wall beside her head.

“Okay?” She asked softly, her lips pressing against his ear as she continued her movements.

“More than okay.” He whispered, his teeth nipping gently at her collar bone.

She let out a soft chuckle at his words and continued moving her hand up and down, watching as his eyes closed and his breathing quickened.

And then he was tumbling over the edge as well, his body tensing against her as he let out a whimper.

“Damn girl.” He mumbled against her skin, his hand relaxing against her waist as he tried to control his breathing.

She smiled as he pulled his head back, lifting his eyes up to meet hers.

“Good?” She echoed his question from earlier and he rolled his eyes at her.

“Yes dear.” He let his hand wander downward, grazing over her curls once more as he lined himself up with her.

And then the next thing she knew he was sliding into her slowly, a soft smile on his face as he dropped his forehead to hers.

He found a rhythm pretty quickly and she let her hands settle on his shoulders as he thrust into her quickly.

Before she knew it she was reaching the peak once more and she let out a whimper as he tightened his grip against her waist, his lips pressing against hers roughly as they both tumbled over the edge.

And then he was burying his face in her neck as he withdrew from her slowly, a soft whimper leaving his lips as he wrapped his arms around her.

“I wonder how many babies are conceived in the shower.” She whispered into the silence.

“Probably more than people want to admit.” He whispered against her shoulder.

“Hopefully it’ll happen to us.” She let out a soft breath as she watched him pull back, a small frown on his face.

“I take it the test you took came back negative?” There was a sense of annoyance in his voice and she prayed that it wasn’t aimed at her.

“It’s only been two weeks Ethan.” She huffed out. “I figured I’d give it some more time.”

He nodded his head as he pulled back from her, a soft sigh leaving his lips.

“Please don’t be mad.” He turned his back toward her as he grabbed his shampoo.

“I’m not mad.” He said.

He was most definitely mad, she could always tell.

“Yes you are.” She whispered as she pushed herself up off the wall.

She didn’t say anything else and instead she stepped out of the shower and dried off quickly, pulling her underwear and t-shirt back on before exiting the room and slamming the door shut behind her.

She crawled back into bed, her eyes filling with tears as she pulled the covers up over her body.

The bathroom door opened a few minutes later and he stepped out, making his way toward the bed without a sound.

He climbed into bed beside her, his back turning toward her as he laid down, pulling the covers up over his chest.

"Who was that woman at the hospital earlier?" She wasn't going to say anything, but since he was already mad at her she figured it was worth a shot.

"What woman?" He growled out.

"The one who was looking for you." She snapped back.

"Her name's Sarah." He flopped onto his back and let out a sigh as he turned to face her.

"What did Sarah want?" She rolled onto her back as well, her eyes shifting to his as she let out a sigh.

"Why does it concern you?" She rolled her eyes as she raised herself up onto her arm, eyeing him angrily.

"I think I have the right to know why some strange woman is walking around asking about my boyfriend." She huffed out.

"I used to date her sister." He said quietly, his head rolling back onto the pillow, his eyes locking on something on the ceiling. "She's looking for me."

"Her sister?" She didn't understand what was going on. 

None of this made any sense.

"Sarah said she's sick, her sister is. Cancer I think. Megan wants to see me." He didn't even bat an eyelash as he spoke and she sighed.

"Let me guess, you're gonna go see her?" She felt a sinking feeling in her gut and it scared her.

She didn't know what she would do if she lost him to this other woman.

"I feel like I have to." He turned to eye her softly, his eyes betraying the stone cold attitude he was trying to have about the whole thing. "I feel like I owe her."

"Why?" She didn't understand what he could possibly owe this woman.

They used to date, and it had to be at least more than 5 years ago because Ethan hadn't been with anyone since Leanne.

"I just do." He growled out. "Just leave it be please."

And then he was rolling onto his side, his back toward her once more, and she let out a sigh as he reached up and turned out the light.

"Fine." She whispered into the darkness.

She wanted to tell him 'goodnight' and that she loved him, just like she did every other night, but she couldn't make herself do it.

Not when he was acting like this.

Not when he was shutting her out for no reason.

A few minutes she heard him snoring softly and she groaned, pushing herself up and out of the bed.

She couldn't sleep next to him right now.

Not after he treated her like she didn't matter to him.

Not after he pushed her so far away.

**Author's Note:**

> ***Comments make me happy :)**


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